Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Wankas
May it please the court, and if it doesn't, I'll flash my boobies until it does:
As an American, I would like to follow in the traditions of so many of my countrymen and fulfill my God-given right to file a frivolous and vindictive lawsuit. And therefore, as a member in
good bad standing of the so-called "Cult of Mean," I am hereby suing the so-called "Cult of Nice," on the charges of: defamation of character, petty larceny, failure to rewind rental videotapes, sodomy, and wankery in the fourth degree.
I think I speak for all members of the "Cult" of "Mean" when I state that this term is perjorative and inflammatory, on two counts.
- "Mean" is an unfair judgment. For example: some people apparently think it's "mean" to tell dead baby jokes, while others are only concerned with spreading joy and laughter among their fellow human beings. Therefore: I would assert that we are not "mean" but rather "differently nice."
- "Cult" implies a grouping of Scientologists or other bizarre freaks. This is really cutting down on our membership drives, and I am not going to make quota if it keeps up. This month is the free tazer, dammit! Therefore: I would ask that the term "cult" be stricken in favor of "Magical Sunshine Order."
I hereby ask the court to penalize the Cult of Traditionally Nice for its continued and unwarranted slander of the Magical Sunshine Order of Differently Nice, which has had the following effects:
- My johns are tipping 1.4% less than usual
- My badger ran away
- None of the cool kids will sit with me at lunch any more
- My roots are showing
- Blood gushes continually from my left ear
I hereby implore the court to grant us, the members of the Magical Sunshine Order of Differently Nice, actual damages in the amount of $250,000, as well as punitive damages in the amount of $3.2 billion dollars and some tacos. The $3.2 billion can be paid in installments, but the tacos are kind of urgent, because it's lunchtime and I don't have the car today.
In summation: Mmmmmm. Tacos.
Thank you, Your Honor.