"Iron Hymen" girls abstinence only education program
God, this parody site is funny. The "Iron Hymen" pledge:
- To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
- To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.
- To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
- To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.
- To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.
For the boys, there's the "Sex is for Fags
- To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.
- To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.
- To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.
- To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.
- To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.
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