Here a douche, there a douche...
Everywhere a douche douche!

A few night ago, Jared Leto choked Elijah Wood for insulting his band and his brother. (And no one recorded it? Come on, who else would love to watch that girlfight?) There are small bursts of wank in the comments there (a little popup box,) but plenty more to come on other sites, trust me on this. A little bit of "Jared rules" "No Elija Rules!" over at bestweekever., and the implication by someone named "Stephen" that this has maybe more to do with Jared's brother than the actual band. ("I stood about three feet from Elijah Wood’s table all night and saw this tense exchange. The only words I could make out over the music were Jared Leto’s “That’s my f’ing brother, man!” It was intense, and absolutely awesome.") I like a few of those comments. Here are some of my favorites.

"blah blah blah i dont care. im on jared’s side and he happens to be a completly different person than the one all you shit talkers hear about. go suck one sideways."

"well apparently if you talk shit about his brother, Jared Leto’s gonna hafta strangle a bitch. can’t really say i blame him."

"If ugliness were bricks Jared Leto would be the Great Wall of China."

"Here’s what was actually said. I was totally there and heard it with my own ears.
JL: Why are you like this??
EW: Like what?
JL: Like..how you are."

"Listen, I was there, and here’s what happened. Elijah and Jared were having some polite banter, very upbeat and cool. Jared starts to walk away, Elijah thinks he’s gone and starts saying shit like “shitty excuses for musicians” and “his brother is such a fag.” Smooth move Frodo. Everything else that’s been said is pretty close to what happened. Jared is only getting shat on because he’s got a bad rep and Elijah doesn’t. I mean, there’s a reason for that, but a lot of the flak Jared gets is blown up because of his harmlessly arrogant demeanor."

"I think that Elijah and Jared were an item. and now, Elijah is dating his brother. The lady friend is just a beard."


Elijah's fans don't have too much to say at his forum aside from that they were worried he might have gotten hurt.

Not so at the 30 Seconds to Mars forum, where everyone's got their willy out 24/7 ready to start wanking. Starting on page two of the gossip thread.......

Wood got what he deserved.

The Mars Army is coming to get Elijah!

An Elijah fan weighs in.

I HATE JARED AND LOVE ELIJAH BUT I HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST ELIJAH BECAUSE HE IS DATING A SKANK HO! Ooooo-kay.


But when it really gets going is when someone calling themselves "jaredsdouche" starts a thread. It's a lot of "you're lame" "no you are" but there are some choice comments.

I would hit Elijah Wood without any reason!

On page two, jaredsdouche starts to lecture people on decent behavior and gets called out for her username.

Page three: Jaredsdouche stops lecturing and says she's just here to irritate people. There is the usual "BUT YOU'RE NOT IRRITATING ME YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME LAUGH!" Then Jaredsdouche goes back to lecturing, then back to "just being irritating for fun."

Page four, best comment: "Any idiot can satirize the celebrity du'jour to sell their magazine or promote their website, but how many people can write their own music, sing, play instruments, act AND kick Elijah Wood's ass?" Then it disintigrates to comments about farts, queefs and nose-picking. Page seven is worth it for the little exchange between Jaredsdouche and 7corners: "It's been scientifically proven that douches create infection in vaginas."
"So does my penis, but that doesn't stop me!"

It isn't until page nine, where Jared fan "raziel" comes in and pretty much loses the internet while trying to represent. Raziel and Jaredsdouche both get down to "U live in UR Mom's basement" and "I'm older than you, child" and "U are te immature one" and "you can't spell" and "shut up, so what!" bitchslapping contest.

The wank is almost as much fun as trying to picture Jared Leto and Elijah Wood trying to beat each other's scrawny ass and probably end up crying in each other's arms.

THERE'S MORE! Some "Echelon" is upset that Fandom Wank talked smack about Jared hitting women! I don't know where that comment came from (am I gonna have to lose my impartiality and start to actively hate Leto?) but you have angered TEH EHECLONZ!@@@!! (Except that most of them are telling himherit to shut the fuck up already.)

And I fixed the italics. Go me.