Current mood:

Candy-Coated

On December 6th, two fandom wank members were lost to us forever. They are memorialized here.


See what we did there? That was pseuicide - faking your death online. In this case, we used the rare pseuicide variant, a pseuicide pact. Ours was a brief pseuicide, not meant to cause outpourings of grief and wank, but simply to pique your interest. Interest in our topic, which today is:

Sep and Snacky's Guide to Pseuicide: How to Fake Your Death In Fandom for the Fun and Enjoyment of All, with help from Ms. Ann Larimer Md. Phd. Esq.

Well, if you gotta...



So. You want attention. Your fic isn't bringing you enough, you have failed in all your attempts to become internet famous, fandom_wank isn't even paying attention to your hysterical rants and you want people to know your name. In desperation, you turn to that tried and true internet standard: pseuicide. Sure, faking your own death will get you a lot of angry people when you're caught. And make no mistake, you will be. Even as we write this, Narcissam or some other archfiend intrepid soul is assembling a crack team of internet girl detectives, investigative reporters, and fandom police to expose another faker. We don't want to tell you how NOT to be caught. We want you to be caught. Because then everyone can have fun, not just you and your accomplices.

Yes, accomplices. If you're going to attempt pseuicide, you really should have at least one or two trusted friends to help you pull it off. And by accomplices we mean "sockpuppets."

Sockpuppets



Prior to any actual pseuicide, please take some time to create and cultivate sockpuppets. They should be active for more than a month, preferably six months to a year. We warn you: pseuicide is not for the easily bored or distracted. If you want to stage a pseuicide, put some effort into it.

You're going to need a bff sockpuppet, someone who you can pretend to know in real life. You should squee about fandom together, beta fics for each other, and post all about your real-life escapades and close relationship in your LJ.

As well, you should have one or two other friends. These socks should be able to verify the existence of both you and the bff sockpuppet (have some IM conversations with yourself) and they should fangirl you both. That way, when your bff sockpuppet announces your death, you will have built in mourners.

Additionally, you should create a sockpuppet enemy. One you can count on to plant the seeds of doubt after your dramatic pseuicide. And that brings us to the next part of this guide: methods.



Methods of Pseuicide



It Is Our Way


Death: Prolonged Illness
Pros: Sympathy vote, presents
Cons: Details, details, details! You don't want to get caught because you claimed one of the symptoms of prostate cancer was x-ray vision. Also, you're a girl.

Death: Aneurysm.
Pros: Bonus points if you write it out as it 'happens'
Cons: It will probably become icon catchphrases when you get caught

Death: "OMG a jet just hit the tower!"
Pros: You died for FREEDOM
Cons: Already been done, by a Red Hot Chili Peppers roleplayer no less

Death: "Defending New Orleans home from Katrina looters with AK-47."
Pros: You died doing what you loved.
Cons: We'll have to put up with tl;dr rants about how you're what's
wrong with Whitey.
Cons: You are what's wrong with Whitey.

Death: Pseucide Pact Gone Wrong
Pros: You're doing it for science!
Cons: You weren't supposed to actually try it.
Cons: Real one. REALLY.

Death: Car Accident
Pros: Sudden, no pre-planning needed
Cons: They'll probably lynch you.

Death: Lynching
Pros: You can claim it was the inevitable result of your car accident hoax
Cons: Only plausible if you're in HP fandom.

Death: Sims Hack Gone Horribly Wrong
Pros: Gains plausibility by tapping into our darkest videogame fears
of what exactly that 'death chooser' painting can really do.
Cons: This is idiotic.

Death: Flying Toilet Seat From Space Station
Pros: Hilarious, opens up possibility of after-death career of Grim
Reaper and fangirling on customers_suck.
Cons: You are not a Dead Like Me fanfic.

Death: Good Old Fashioned Slit Wrists
Pros: Tried and true
Cons: The comments will be filled with 'down the street, not across
the road' macros.

Death: Pills
Pros: You told them you were hardcore
Cons: Details! When giving your dramatic pronouncement, please
remember it takes more than three aspirins. Nothing worse than having
to edit after the fact.

Death: Chocolate
Pros: Delicious
Cons: Turns out the menus have been lying all along.

Death: Ninja Honor Duel
Pros: Ninjas totally aren't played out yet, completely plausible
Cons: Like we'd ever know

Death: Murder
Pros: You can say it in italics, real stringpuller
Cons: News reports, probably won't be able to pin it on your fandom
arch nemesis.

Death: Offed Yourself To Join Your Snugglebunny On The Astral Plane
Pros: Do it
Cons: Dooo it


The Next Step




So you've built up your persona. Hopefully you've made yourself beautiful and troubled, because you're about to die tragically. Pick any one of the above scenarios and get to work. If you choose a suicide method, you'll want to make a last, woeful post. If you choose a method like Murder, you might want to do a few weeks of buildup, alluding to sinister figures lurking around you and gaslights. If it's a sudden, accidental death, your bff sockpuppet should be the one making the announcement. They should make it as dramatic as possible, with an LJ mood of "crushed" and the saddest little icon they can find.

This is a big step, admittedly. Are you prepared to kill off your carefully cultivated persona? Are you ready to turn up the heat? This isn't for amateurs, you know. Only wanky professional drama queens should attempt pseuicide, even with this primer. The authors accept no responsibilty for any backlash that may occur upon your pseuicide.


Attending Your Own Funeral




So, the day has come. You've chosen a method, you've planned your exit, and the announcement has been made. Now's when you get to read what everyone really thought about you. There will be pages and pages of comments of grief and mourning and people wailing over your fate. They didn't even know you, but they can't stop crying! But not just fans will be around - no, anyone you ever pissed off ever in fandom will be coming out of the woodwork to say their piece too. And don't worry, the old saying "don't speak ill of the dead" does not apply online. Plenty of ill will be spoken about you, but that's okay. Just take detailed notes, and you'll know who to target as an enemy in your next fandom incarnation.



Aftermath


Your adoring public



Now's the time for the fallout. If you have that enemy sockpuppet, you might want to orchestrate this yourself. Start planting the seeds of doubt, and the evidence of pesuicide. Don't worry if you don't have a sock like that. The internet girl detectives will soon come sniffing around, hoping to unmask another faux death. Make sure they spot the inconsistencies of your story right away (you can do this with anon comments, if you think they need prodding in the right direction) and next thing you know, you'll have them making international phone calls to police stations and hospitals, where they'll be harassing busy professionals with tales of online friends dying and requesting proof. Of course, they'll receive no proof, as cops and medical professionals have better things to do with their time then spend it chatting with internet loonies, but no proof is good here! It shows that your death was really a PSEUICIDE! You should immediately delete your journal and do not make any contact with anyone, no matter how tempting it may be.



Next Stop: Fandom Infamy




Well, here's what you really wanted: for everyone to know your name. And it's going to be splashed all over fandom_wank for the next couple of days, while every detail of your pseuicide is exposed, mocked and and theorized on. You will be accused of being a Msscribe wannabe. People will get into endless debates over whether everyone lies online. Noobs will ask about Victoria Bitter. The naive will be completely horrified that yet another pseuicide has been perpetrated upon fandom. The evil will mock their innocence. The wankers will eat their own. People will make thoughtful, speculative posts on metafandom regarding your motives, and whether this was foreshadowed in your last fic. And your name? Will be all over the fannish grapevine for the next week.


Afterlife


Inevitable result


Eventually the furor will die down. It takes about a week, maybe 10 days. All that work for such a short time of attention, you may ask? Dude, you just faked your death. You didn't *plagiarize.* Plus, your name won't be forgotten - you'll be added to the long list of pseuicide greats, including Victoria Bitter, svmaria, limeybean, Evie Whiting, and Kaycee Nicole. And if you really want more attention, you can always resurface a couple of weeks later with a claim of mental illness, or your siblings or roommate hacking your LJ account, or explaining you did it all for a "social experiment." You'll stir up at least another week of attention, while you write long apologies and defensive rationalizations.

You should probably fade away after this. Fandom will never look at you the same way again. But you've got the attention you craved, and hey. You can always start over and do it again!