Welcome to the Wank Parade, aka One Ring to Wank Them All
Planet of the Apes fanfic writer Neil Gaiman fanboy My Chemical Romance's frontman, Gerard Way, is known in the fandom for suffering from verbal diarrhoea yet being paradoxically reticent about his personal life. This doesn't stop the fangirls and boys from speculating about whom he's seeing. And although, if MCR fans are to be believed, the band saves more lives than Chuck Norris, lately all the fandom seems to be doing is killing kittens.*

The story begins in 2004, where a hairdresser by the name of Eliza Cuts (member of the World's Most Hated Crew and friend of Alicia Simmons, fiancee of MCR bassist and Gerard's brother Mikey Way) has several comments on her now-deleted MySpace from a certain "g".

Screencaps are here:
(1) Eliza commenting on "g"'s myspace
(2) "g" commenting on Eliza's myspace: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

The last is what causes the most upset: Hello and good day. I am glad that we finally got a chance to talk today. I will call you later tonight when things settle down. You know, the only reason that I like Myspace is to look at your cult following and make fun of people with you on the phone while looking at there (sic) profile. HAhahahaha.

There are some LOLz at Gerard Way misspelling "hearse" (after all, he's in the band that did "Helena"), as well as the comments sounding like they come from someone who bartends in the dark. But other fans take offence at this- it's either (1) she's sockpuppeting to make it look like they're together or (2) it's Gerard Way and he's making fun of the fans whom he claims to love so much. Also, at this time, the current fandom belief is that he is in a long-standing relationship with a woman named Kat, whom he met in art school. There isn't much wank to be had, though, until we fast forward to 2006.

By now fans have pretty much assumed Kat to be out of the picture, but no one is sure whether Gerard really is with Eliza. Her presence, however, is strong enough to be felt on mcrsecrets, a Post Secret-type community about, who else, MCR.

The first time Eliza is featured in a secret, some people are pretty definite about her relationship with Gerard, and cite the above myspace stuff as a reference.

A subsequent post in MCR secrets contains a lot more Eliza. Most are in favour of her, though some are not:

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS they're cute together. & i fantasy (sic) about having a threesome with them.

I bet it's a cover-up. There's no way in hell this man is straight.

The funny thing is, I'm 18 years old. I know that giving a fuck about gerard's personal life is a no-no. Apathy is the best policy. But I remember hating Kate Bosworth. But I can't hate Eliza. Maybe it's because she looks so fucking nice. Or maybe because she looks NORMAL.

Honestly, I think Eliza and Alicia make a better couple than Alica and Mikey.

DON'T LISTEN TO THE HATERS She is beautiful. And I love to see you happy.

WHO CARES IF HE WAS ALL OVER HER? CAN YOU BLAME HIM?

Over all, seems like majority (or at least people submitting secrets) are cool with this woman. However, public opinion begins to turn when a long and confusing thread discusses the possibility that Gerard may have been cheating on Kat with Eliza. An anonymouse brings up the deleted myspace blog, once again, to show that Eliza may have been talking about being with Gerard at the time he was supposedly known to be with Kat. Highlights for those who don't want to wade through the thread:

I have most of her blogs that I thought were clues saved so if you would want to look up one just let me know. I know it seems kinda pathetic and I don't even care about their relationship but I just got sucked into solving the mystery cause I feel like a detective lol.

Here is the one that you said convinced you: September 1st 2005 “I can fix you. he said I cant come with him this time...I am to much trouble. eating toast and fake eggs missing you, oh how things have changed, blood in your hair, blood on my hands but, I am wearing gloves so its ok, always far away or leaving to again....lets move to a top secret location where no one knows where we are..... ok! lets wear way less make up cause we don’t have to prove anything anymore, people just know who we are......I cant hide from you...you know who and where I am.......I am on the farm wearing Halloween pj's and drinking my tenth cup of coffee.....you are not asleep...you should be. Fueling the fire. I miss home, I miss you more. I killed to get here... you got what you wanted. Loving you is like loving a man in a glass prison....I can see you but I cant touch you and I cant talk to you. there is a one-way mic that sends out your voice to me and you sing the same songs over and over and over again. things were different before, before you got caught....but I cant blame you. I would do the same. we tried it that way and I wont go back, I cant go back. I will take the back seat....I will wait....I will work on my own...live on my own. I will cut and cut and cut and I will cut at my funeral...and I will cut at yours. I hate you. You are hated....I cried until 4am and had to work all day in the heat and sun.......thank you. and thanks for helping me carry my laundry. ha! um way to own my heart.”

Here are some ones that were made in late 2004/early 2005:
December 12th 2004: “Second off being the fact that everyone that I want to be around is so freaking far from me.”
February 02nd 2005: “Black history month my boy and I are wearing black all month.”
June 6th 2005: “ummm my steady is in Europe.” Gerard was in Europe at the time. Similar subject matter on June 7th and June 12th blog.

Here are some more blogs that I was going through that I found as revelant to their relationship: (I take the clues out of the blogs so they are not the blogs in their entirety and with the stuff that is not in quotes are my comments and info to help you interpret. Oh and this is the same person that posted the other blogs a few comments back in case anyone is confused)

November 15th 2004: The heading is “I heard you were blanks new girlfriend.”

August 15th 2005: “I am sure that one day he will sign autographs in your town.” “I am trying not to miss my loved ones...one in particular.”

August 22nd 2005: “What is up with everyone leaving to go to Europe today?” Gerard left for a short European tour.

August 26th 2005: "P.s."and all I got was this crappy tan." you are missed. Xo.”

August 27th 2005: “ What do you give the girl that has everything?.......a bf that isn’t on tour and a pumpkin patch...is that considered a goal? ha! nahhh cause all of that will come in time and I like I said, I wouldn’t change how things are for the world. I don’t really know what i would do with a bf that isn’t on tour hahahaha! I mean, what do normal couples do?....go to the park and the movies? lammmme. I am better off getting my make up stolen and my hair pulled, intense conversations are way more fun....that’s more comfortable.”

October 5th 2005: “I am livid right now.........I went to bed that way and i woke up that way....talked to my severe little brother from like 3am to 4am....and woke up again...livid...livid...livid... I do have a knack for picking the crazies....I do tend to be an overdramatic girl at times but.....come on.... how much can I take..... distance...distance....weirdness....solitude.... weirdness..... take what you want and leave the rest.... you feel alone and so you buy another 6 months of time with your words.....splendid..... its a shame that my best friend has to take on the roll of being my bf due to circumstance.” Little brother can be referring to Mikey.

October 6th 2005: “yo, I am mad bumming cause jenna rones and I haven’t seen each other in two days and everyone else that I love is on a bus in the middle of nowhere trying to write me on the kick and they are having bad service.” MCR was on their fall headlining tour.

November 14th 2005: “Getting things settled here for me and my second half. Whatelse can I say? I am tired right now so I am gonna sweep but, I have a feeling euro aim convos will not let me do that as of right now......urrrrrummmm from europe to call is like $1.99 per min. Not doable....I don't care who you are....sooo for now.....aim will be act as my middle man. Thank god for the kick....the glue that holds my relationships together.” Gerard was in England/Europe for fall tour.

People start calling her catty, and say she probably lacks personality. Others refuse to believe they are dating. Still others call Gerard a liar and a cheat. Quite a far cry from the secrets in the same post.

Yet another MCR secrets post features some Eliza secrets, this time more negative. A few say that this relationship is making them lose faith in the band. Someone raises the possibility that she is merely attention whoring. Most are just confused about whether they really are dating or not.

Then more Eliza hate abounds, as people share their experiences with her and once again quote from her blog.

Too true.To quote her blog: "hahahha! i am not trying to turn into oprah or anything.... i just think its beat that hundreds of fake famous, or real famous people run around with a total selfish intent.... ummmm sweetlife.... why not use your chance to have a voice to say something worth saying. i am not trying to get like mad props or anything but i recently started working for a place that gives food to the homeless.... honestly..... its the best thing in the world.... i forgot how good i had it."

and then goes on to say " .... but if you are sitting around loathing me for whatever reason.... i would like to see you say something bad about being a good person.... its hard to talk smack on someone when you are in the midst of serving a hot meal to someone who cant eat otherwise.... werd. i hope all is well with everyone. mwah! xo ec"

and then "Ah well. Life is good..... staying with miss e and j* has been the best, the fun never ends. Hahahahaha. We burned a 100 dollar bill last night for fun. Goodtimes. Mwah!"

Others are starting to think that Eliza might be delusional, and dropping hints to make it look like she's with Gerard.

Then Gerard finally decides to talk about his love life, and there is no mention of Eliza. Instead, he says that he's very much single.

This is not something I've ever told anyone else. I had been in a long-term relationship and it fell apart during the making of The Black Parade. I'm alone right now, for the first time in 10 years. That's not something people know about me. It's really hard. I've had girlfriends since i was 17 or 18. Now I'm 29.

It wasn't something that anybody did. It was a six year realtionship that ended. It was practically marriage. It was with someone who knew me before the band. Halfway through recording-literally just when I had finished tracking the vocal parts and chorus line to Famous Last Words- I realised that line ('I am not afraid to walk this world alone') was the truth. I broke up with her a week later. I had to fly back and talk to her, move my stuff out. It was brutal.

But I've been enjoying being free and not having to make phone calls. It's a good feeling at first -but then you check into a hotel room and realise there's no one who misses you like a girlfriend misses you. I'll sit there and stare at the wall. When we were on our last European run I would just go out at night and walk around alone, thinking, 'Well this is interesting....' "

Another interview with his brother, Mikey, backs up the fact that Gerard isn't seeing anybody:
Who gets all the girls in your band? Well, nobody's single anymore. Actually, Gerard's single now. So, in theory, he would get all the chicks. He's not really into that, though.

Such definite statements, however, only seem to further anger the fans. There is also pointing, laughing, and outright hatred for Eliza. However, the wank and fury die down soon enough, and even Eliza decides to take herself out of the e-spotlight. It's not enough for some fans, though.

From Eliza's buzznet: "its all fun and games until someone gets there eye poked out...

hey guys.... sucks... but i am going to take down my buzznet.... its a bummout... i love the site and i think everyone is great..... i think we all kind of know why i cant have one.... its just to much for right now. thanks to the people at buzznet for being so amazing. mwah! xo ec"

And then everyone shares their thoughts on yaoi how this utterly destroys MCR's credibility.

kreepercamikaze: This whole situation basically turns my stomach. I've been a fan of MCR since I was 16, I've invested so much time and dedication to them its not even funny. I know I don't know them personally and all, but when you invest that much time into something its hard not to take things personally. She's basically managed to discredit not only the guys as people, but also as arists. Not only them either, the fans too. And she seemed to take pleasure out of doing it, playing with peoples heads with the stupid little away messages and blogs; etc;.

I don't care who they are dating, I really really don't, but when some crazy bitch insists on dragging them through the mud for no apparent reason I am not cool with that. I honestly think that they were talking our whatever, things didn't work out, word got out that they might have had something going on, she took it and ran with it. I really don't appreciate the fact that she has costs MCR fans and credibility.

needlehabit: She destroyed the credibility of the band, made Gerard seem like a cheater, a liar, and a disgrace to his music. She wasn't clear on what she was saying and she made no effort to clear it up once the ball was rolling.

She wanted the attention and she got it. Case closed.

The personal life of the band does not interest me. The way Eliza has ran the fandom into the ground, turning fans against each other, and darkened the meaning of being a My Chemical Romance fan. That pisses me off. That is my interest. She is as equally to blame as the fans are, if not more for parading her life in a line of attack that she knew she was going to be in.

And a parcel of teal deer, mostly from skyline3way.

People wonder if there's a deeper reason behind Eliza suddenly going private, and an exchange between anonymice offers the following words of wisdom: "Gerard's record label is now on her ass" EXPLAIN

Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, the man inserts his record label into his woman's ass.

Despite attempts at levity, the fandom won't be satisfied until they get the real deal between Eliza and Gerard. Somehow people think they can get the truth from Miss E aka devilmuse, another member of the WMHC. Unfortunately she doesn't answer with a simple yes or no, but with more tl;dr that boils down to "it's none of our business, I have no right to tell you." This really doesn't make anybody happy, and people continue to insist that Eliza is an attention whore/really dating Gerard/masterminding a plot to fuck with MCR fans. When anonymous #9724385 brings up the MySpaces (first mentioned in this post) devilmuse states that they are both fake. It doesn't matter, though, as people continue to argue about if she's really dating Gerard, is she really a bitch, are the myspaces fake, what is the true meaning of groupie. Some decide to take their eyeliner and go home.

Eventually the issue dies, anonquestions continue trash talking and searching for celebrity screen names, the fandom moves on to talk about which MCR member has the biggest penis and begging each other for concert tickets. Until The Black Parade tour officially kicks off, and we see (or don't see) a certain piece of jewelry.

The wank of the ring begins with an anonymous post saying: I know a lot you don't know about Gerard and Eliza. I know, for example, that you should start watching his hand for a ring in the new video for "I Don't Love You." I know that Eliza was there during the filming and not doing hair. I know that being covered in body paint for hours sucks. And I know this will make a lot of sense to you when you see the video so save your comments until after, kay?

They're engaged. They're in love. She's a very nice girl who is very supportive of him. He's a very nice boy who is in need of the support. maybe you should let them live their damn lives and go run your mouths elsewhere.

-Your Behind-The-Scenes Informant.

People promptly call bullshit. Some say no ring. Another says no ring. Then a report about a show crops up saying yes ring, and yes ring.This thread is yes, no, maybe ring. More photos are posted, and there's argument about the ring's significance and hopes that if Gerard is engaged, it's not to Eliza. Finally, a non-blurry photo shows that yes, Gerard is indeed wearing a ring.

Someone asks if he's doing this to teach fans a lesson about privacy.

Someone else wonders why Gerard doesn't wear the ring throughout the whole show.

Others hope Gerard is engaged to The Used frontman Bert McCracken, especially since New Jersey has legalised same-sex unions.

It's anonquestions after all, and anon asks if Gerard is a liar.

People start to tire of the Eliza hate.


So, in summary:
- hairdresser drops hints that she may be dating a rock star, fans think she's attractive and cool
- hairdresser is perceived as using the internet as her gateway to fame, pisses off fans
-fans feel like they're being played, which pisses off fans
- rock star says he's single, pisses off fans
- hairdresser gets off the internet, pisses off fans
- rock star starts wearing a ring during shows, pisses off fans
-the pissed-off fans get tired of being so pissed off all the time, and start thinking hairdresser is attractive and cool once more

And every wank needs a macro.

*But no one saves more lives than Chuck Norris.

ETA: Apparently there's more "proof" that these people are, indeed, engaged. Discussion quickly devolves to an anonymice fight telling each other to LURK MOAR and that they are not creepy stalkers enough to be good fangirls.