Ryan Lochte Gave Me Chlamydia! TOTALLY TRUE!
Over on ontd_olympics, brand-spankin'-new user kristixkupcakes (journal now deleted) posts a tl;dr entry (also now deleted) titled "MY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH RYAN LOCHTE." Her long, sordid tale of a disappointing hookup with the US Olympic gold-medal swimmer includes the following highlights:

Literally two minutes into the sex he came. It was so fucking hilarious because I was expecting some insane god-sex with him but he was a total minute-man. What was funny was the fact that he was barking like a fucking dog when he came and I just sat there in the darkness hearing him freaking moan and bark and I was kind of freaked. What was even worse was when I asked if he had used a condom and he didn't reply but continued barking like a fucking dog. [...] It was such a bummer because his penis was literally, and I kid you not -- a max of maybe three inches and it was by far the veiniest thing I had ever felt. [...] And I swear to god, his penis smelled like fucking piss and tasted like it but I was too in the moment to tell him to go clean that shit up...

But that's not the worst of it, oh no! Because now she has "chlymidia" (with a fuzzily-scanned prescription form to prove it!) and Ryan is threatening to spread nasty, nasty rumors about her sluttishness if she tells anyone! Sadly, the post has been bahleeted, but a screencap can be downloaded here.

Most commenters actually buy the story at first and offer their condolences, but doubt soon begins to creep in. Her birthday being on April 1st seems to be a major red flag for most...at least until _love_never shows up:

You guys this is no joke. I know this person in RL (no names duh) They are really active on the comm too.

We've been talking about this for awhile and I was around for the RL proof of it. I really wanted her to come out with it because we all fangirl him so much. No doubt he's cute but hitting that is so not worth it. Trust me bbs leave him to Michael Fred. It took me forever to talk her into sharing this and the only way she would was with a new name so she didn't get seriously harassed.

I don't know what kind of proof you guys need it's not like there is a dirty used condom laying around or anything.

Again with the sympathy and the "omg, I totally knew he was a douchebag!" At least until kristixkupcakes posts again:

MY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH RYAN LOCHTE -- MORE.

So I've been an avid watcher of this community and ONTD and I've finally joined here and noticed how everybody's gaga over the kid I slept with on my birthday and I think you guys should know what happened because your opinion of him will change.

And then, behind an lj-cut:

you just got punk'd.
- christopher ashton kutcher <3

USE A CONDOM!

The comments EXPLODE. Accusations of sockpuppetry and mod involvement abound, and there are calls for bannination, as well as the usual "OMG, you guys, have a sense of humor!" Again, this one's been bahleeted, but there are screencaps for downloading: before the post was unlocked and after it was unlocked.

Finally, like all good wanks, this one's wrapped up with a mod post claiming that the whole shenanigan was the result of a "chat that got too out of hand." Things seem to be settling down for now, but who knows? Maybe Nastia Liukin will eat someone's baby, or Usain Bolt will turn out to actually be a cyborg! IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN, PEOPLE.