"We can't help being batshit! Jensen Ackles made us that way!"
Is there a crisis going on in the SPN fandom? Could it be possible that Jensen Ackles really doesn't matter? I am no longer a die-hard fan of Jensen Ackles. In fact, I really don't like him much anymore.

But wait! No! This must be an error! Because: "Why Jensen Ackles Matters"

There's a truckload of mind-boggling awesome tl;dr there, so let me give you the highlights:

• He matters because he has imaginary conversations and fights with the author. Maybe imaginary make-up sex too? I'm not sure - it got really confusing there, and I admit, faced with that wall of text: I SKIMMED.
  
  
• Mr. Ackles....supports charities, reads books, enjoys sports and - wait for it - the man can even sing. For all these attributes, he seems very down-to-earth. Finally, Mr. Ackles tends to attract and perhaps inspire what more than one observer has described as “a particularly noteworthy level of insanity” in his fanbase.
  
  One has to wonder why.
  
  NB: After reading this essay, no, one really doesn't.
  
  
• He simply is one of the best of his generation, inciting comparisons by directors and more experienced people in the industry with whom he’s worked to “a young Steve McQueen,” Paul Newman, Robert Redford.
  
  That whirring sound you all hear? Steve McQueen and Paul Newman, spinning in their graves.
  
  
• For better or for worse, Jensen Ackles is an amazing actor. This seems to be both his curse and a blessing.
  
  
• Then there is the subject of his physical beauty. “It should be a complete impossibility for anyone to look so hot,” says one exasperated fan. “Honest to God, whenever I see him it’s about thirty seconds before I realize I’ve stopped breathing. Right before I pass out, I have to look away. Seriously, there should be a law against anyone looking that pretty.”
  
  
• He’s more than just a face. His attractiveness truly seems to come from inside. Taken separately, his individual features shouldn’t logically add up to the sum of the breathtaking whole. His eyes don’t match, but they’re as clear and luminous as the tranquil sea, and you think you can see all the way to his soul in them. His lips have been described in sinfully delicious terms, and it’s true: porn stars would pay a lot for a mouth like that. He’s covered with freckles that tempt one to think of melted drops of caramel, fresh for the tasting. His nose is crooked: adorably so.
  
  
• On the "typical" Jensen Ackles fan: We’re college educated. Most of us are happily married, although some are happily single. We’re all over the globe, and many of us speak two or more languages. We’re attorneys, scientists, mothers, artists, writers, ballet dancers, teachers, university professors, students, and medical professionals....So we’re smart, and seem to have lives outside of fandom. Another interesting thing I’ve found as I’ve gotten to know more people who share my Ackles love: a lot of us are hot. A lot of us have an anonymous presence on the Internet and do not – or did not – attend those collective cattle-calls known as fan conventions, so we didn’t know how hot we all are. And we’re shy -
  
  NOT SO SHY THAT WE ALL HAVEN'T EXCHANGED PIX OF OUR HOTASS SELVES, THOUGH, DON'T GET ME WRONG!
  
  
• About the author herself: I’m older than him, happily married, a mother of several (really smart, awesome) children. Master’s degree, professional career in a difficult field, sometime writer, ballet teacher...But since discovering Jensen Ackles (about 17 months ago, give or take a sigh) the days seem much… more. Something. Sparkly? Passionate? All that. Thanks to Supernatural, Jensen and Jared, I’ve rediscovered my misspent youth.
  
  
• Quote from another fan: As for why his fandom is so batshit…the man is an enigma. As much as he may wish he can just go to work, do his job, and not have to appeal to outsiders, he’s too fascinating to ignore....I think occasionally, being the awesome group of professional women that we are, we just get LOST in our day to day. The routine just becomes SO mundane. And for us, Jensen is just the brain stimulant that we need. He makes us think, sometimes more than we care to. He makes us care, definitely more than we want to. And he makes us feel, usually things that we shouldn’t…in places we shouldn’t.
  
  
• Musings on Mr. Ackles: He’s not perfect, not by a long shot – even though one is tempted to say so. He’s a curious combination of the every day and the sublime. One moment he’s beautiful, passionate, articulate… and the next, he’s a fucking mess – unable to complete a sentence without inventing a word, fidgeting and rolling his eyes, appearing as gaunt and shadowed as someone who’s been on a three-night binge....there’s where we get into trouble: going beyond the surface of what he presents is like trying to look at the scattering of light reflected on a pond.
  
  
• Mr. Ackles might surprise you: His reputation precedes him: as I stated previously, he’s simply one of the best, a master of nuance and emotional whiplash, his strength and agility making him adept at doing most of his own stunts, his patience, adaptability and knowledge making him an asset on any set - an actor’s actor. He’s a star-thrower, is Jensen, as defined by Loren Eiseley; he’s constantly throwing universes into being
  
  
• Mr. Ackles is a BIG FAT LIAR: He claims he rarely goes on the internet, never has time, claims the biggest downside of it is “consumption of my life"...As if. Jensen, you aren’t fooling anyone. Everyone, including you, is on the Internet.
  
  
• Basically, Mr. Ackles is a duck fish: He’s a conundrum. He makes us think. He is not and never will be a typical Hollywood star. He’s held on to his humanity in ways that most people subjected to that lifestyle abandoned long ago. He’s a walking paradox: arrogant, resilient, thoughtful and shy all at the same time. He’s that odd and rare combination of gentle and rapier-sharp that many Pisces men exhibit, and so few people understand or expect.
  
  Except us! His true fans! We understand and expect!
  
  
• Forget being a Pisces, what Mr. Ackles is is a DEITY: “No one expects the days to be gods,” according to Emerson. Anymore, I actually disagree. We’ve been shown better, by Jensen Ackles. Now we expect no less. He’s an enigmatic prism we can’t help following. Jensen just gives, and gives, and keeps on giving. He adds sparkle to our days...He so perfectly captures the entire range of human emotion and experience in his work, that he reminds us of what it means to be human.
  
  
• Finally, in summation, despite floating through this dirty world on gossamer wings: Jensen Ackles is not so different from you and me… and that, in a nutshell, is exactly why he matters.
  

Sophie Briand and Susannah Eanes - evidently these two wacky kids professional, intelligent, educated, hotass women are one and the same.

BONUS WANK: J2 fans have moved into true tinhat territory: Yes, it's time for the clothing shoutouts!

How very 2002. Domlijah called, they want their schtick back.

ETA: The author has shown up in esorlehcar's journal, claiming it was all fiction, although her friends seem a little appalled and hurt. However, capslock means it was all a joke, evidently!

If it's fiction, does that mean she and her friends aren't intelligent and hot?

ETA 2:

1) susannaheanes has deleted her LJ AND the essay! But it was just FICSHUN! AND FOR THE LOLZ! Alas.

2) Evidently there is nothing more wrong than finding something funny. Only the author and her friends can do that!

3) Evidently me posting this wank is a violation of FW policy! After not explaining how this is to me, she made a very brave post, in which she stood up for her beliefs and completely fail to understand a word Sep said. Now all her friends who are FW members are going to quit or protest or something, I guess. Strangely, these same people who are so concerned with the FW policy, including susannaheanes, do not realize that trolling esorlehcar's journal is a violation of the FW's rules.

I'm sorry, I no longer believe in their intelligence, or hotness. D: