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galateus ([info]galateus) wrote in [info]fandom_wank,
@ 2009-06-30 02:53:00


Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Current mood:Amazed
Entry tags:can't escape the screencaps, conspiracy theories, crazy people, fandom: warhammer, flouncing, think of the children

In the Grim Dark reaches of the Internet, there is only Stupid.

It's amazing that Warhammer 40000 fandom hasn't wanked its way here before now. But here it is!

It all started when someone on a bizarre conspiracy theory site makes a play to become the next BADD (see also: Dark Dungeons), by writing the article "Space Marines - Death Toys" about the super-soldiers from Warhammer 40k. It lays bare Games Workshop's nefarious plot to brainwash our children for the coming of the New World Order.

Now, Warhammer is a game about psychotic humans fighting psychotic aliens with MANLINESS, phallic weapons and killer fetish-nuns. (TVTropes has the details.) But PBSBlog.com (no affiliation with the Public Broadcasting Service) shows us the true evil lurking beneath the facade of juvenile violence:

What's really fun about this particular toy set is finding all the occult and new world order references. They abound and if you peruse the page you'll find it chock full of nifty, or is it creepy, predictive programming and even tactics to go street by street in a town near you murdering every person you can find. This will make your child a hero. There are swell icons like Azrael, (Israel?) the supreme Grand Master who's "codex" description sounds like something out of a high mason's ceremony.

They are deeply concerned for the mental well being of the legions of small children who play this game of horrific warfare, children who will one day be breaking down the doors when the NWO unveils its secret super-soldier program... any day now.

Sucked in by cool graphics and continuously injected with bizarre ideation and glamorization of death, killing and destruction, and the strange assertion that it is perfectly normal to have unquestioning obedience to who ever has the tallest hat, kids will not be given an equal opportunity to learn how to question such obvious mind control techniques.

In what way do Angels have anything in common with superhuman genetically modified killing machines?
They make it sound like a gift. "I am here to kill you. You can thank me later".
This is supreme head fu*king.

THIS IS HOW THEY GET YOU. THIS IS HOW THEY GET TO YOUR KIDS WITHOUT YOU EVER KNOWING IT.

This teaches children to think of being defiled by the government as something cool. I can't speak for you but I've got REAL BIG problem with that.

The reactions are mostly LOL and TROLL with only a little serious fanrage wanking(But as we'll see later, the wankers skip the forums and head straight to their email boxes...), and the obligatory "HERESY! UNCLEAN! PURIFY IT WITH THE CLEANSING FIRE OF OUR GOD-EMPEROR!". It's mostly pointing-and-mocking at GameFAQs, Digg, the Escapist, (ETA: someplace called DITL,) and Twitter ("Jack Chick meets Warhammer 40,000"), but DakkaDakka somehow derailed it into "the Bible inspires violence, too y'know"; "I am reporting you to a mod for saying that"; "I find you reporting him to a mod hypocritical" so someone starts a new thread when that one gets locked.

There was also an inexplicably bahleeted thread on warseer.com that partially degenerated into cries of "but why was the old thread deleted?" and political sniping like this before it disappeared:

ThisGuy: As a social conservative these people make me want to punch my hand into concrete until the bones shatter and I can't feel anymore. [...] I mean this **** totally ignored the fact that 40k is largely a joke about how easily people can be convinced to do evil things for "good reasons."
ThatGuy: Irony much? keep punchin' :P

And this one guy's friend just has the best summary:

"By targeting children through Warhammer, these fiendish Masons ensure that our most handsome, athletic and socially proficient children will be caught in their sinister net. "

But then it gets juicy: after a week or two the conspiracy folks moved the page to a new URL and replaced the original with this stunning comeback to all the hatemail: (screencap) (ETA: C&P).

Sorry PARENTS WITH SMALL CHILDREN, you are required to ask Warhammer players what you are allowed to think, and what you may and may not tell your own children.   Only their opinions matter, not yours.  THEY own the subject.  I'm sure they'll be happy to help you in the most objective possible way.  They're lovely, caring, people.

The greatest quote:

What on earth was I thinking. Warhammer players should control everyone's opinions because they are fully qualified for the job. Their way is the ONLY way. You must love Warhammer because they insist that you do. If you fail to love Warhammer you are a moron and a lesbian and you are also a cannibal.

At the article's new location, the haters get served again, only in, like, giant scrolling marquee font at the top:

The results are in. Violent games and violent entertainment does affect people. Warhammer fanatics PROVE I AM RIGHT with their own emails.
The results are in.  Your own unbelievably rude emails prove my point exactly.  Many gamers are affected by violence in entertainment.  Some of you have no manners at all.  None.  You feel entitled to brutalize people just because you want to.  You choose to lash out first and not ask questions later.  You are self centered, insensitive, combative and mean.  You are foul-mouthed and ill willed.  You posture like bullies and talk like thugs.    And you can't grasp a simple concept outside of yourselves.  It's exactly what I'm talking about here. 
You just proved me right.
No one came barging into your territory to trash you and diss the game and tell you all where to go. ONE OF YOU took my web page and my personal email address without asking and threw me down before you spoiled brats to be sacrificed.  I am the victim here not you.  You are so selfish and nasty it's disgusting.

Sadly, having discovered some semblance of class, they replaced the old URL again with a much less fun version with no 'PARENTS WITH SMALL CHILDREN' in sight. (backup screencap)? (ETA: And C&P.) I'm totally checking up on that page in a month to see if this all starts up again.

ETA, 2009/08/21: It begins.




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(Post a new comment)


[info]fanpoodlex
2009-06-30 06:07 pm UTC (link)
Ah, Warhammer. Always a bottomless pit of drama, even if it doesn't make F_W very often.

I remember seeing a couple of geek boys actually come to blows (well, for a given definition of "blows". A more accurate description might be "actually come to flailing around at each other) over rules interpretations in Blood Bowl - and that was pretty much before teh intahwebz existed, as such.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]fanpoodlex, 2009-06-30 06:10 pm UTC

[info]the__ivorytower
2009-06-30 06:10 pm UTC (link)
In the grim, dark future, there is only wank!

I don't like WarHammer because the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness (sorry, I like my fantasy/sci fi to have hope in it, I'm weird that way), but really doesn't this all come back to the same crap?

(Plus, I fangirl the lovely tribute-games, Warcraft and Starcraft, as they have more hope (usually) and far more pretty, gay elves).

ITT, WarHammer slash fic recs? :D

Plus, we can all just blame Heinlein.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]galateus, 2009-06-30 09:41 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]the__ivorytower, 2009-06-30 09:56 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]galateus, 2009-06-30 11:13 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]the__ivorytower, 2009-07-01 03:07 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]anonyrat, 2009-07-01 06:33 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]frau_eva, 2009-07-01 12:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]the__ivorytower, 2009-07-01 12:49 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]cmdr_zoom, 2009-07-01 04:28 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]anonyrat, 2009-07-01 06:49 am UTC

[info]wolfsamurai
2009-06-30 06:13 pm UTC (link)
Warhammer fandom never manages to show up here on F_W very often for a couple of reasons, I think. First, I don't see many fans around here. Second, for those fans, it's so easy to find wank that you could post it here daily and never run out of material. Wank about army lists, fluff, codices, rules, models, prices, and on and on.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]the__ivorytower, 2009-06-30 06:20 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]wolfsamurai, 2009-06-30 06:21 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]risha, 2009-06-30 10:42 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]a_belladonna, 2009-07-06 12:06 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]miss_padfoot, 2009-07-01 06:31 am UTC

[info]sithwitch13
2009-06-30 06:22 pm UTC (link)
BWAHAHAHA. AHAHA. HA.

Oh God-Emperor. That was great. I'm linking this to absolutely everybody in my Dark Heresy group.

(Reply to this)


[info]erototoxin
2009-06-30 06:37 pm UTC (link)
Because impressionable small children LOVE to play Warhammer!!!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]vasaris, 2009-06-30 11:25 pm UTC

[info]makeshyft
2009-06-30 06:59 pm UTC (link)
The REAL question is.. Is "Moronic Lesbian Cannibal" the new "Bisexual English Major"? Y/N?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]barankhy, 2009-06-30 07:18 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]notjo, 2009-06-30 08:30 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]tofuknight, 2009-07-03 09:24 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]sarracenia, 2009-06-30 07:40 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]veleda_k, 2009-07-01 06:01 am UTC

tetradecimal
2009-06-30 07:52 pm UTC (link)
So even tabletop games that are relatively obscure in the public consciousness get blamed for MIND CONTROLLING THE CHILDREN. It must kind of suck, though, to be stuck blaming Warhammer for society's ills when everyone else has moved onto video games and the mainstream media. I mean, sure, you're a conspiracy tinhat, but you're not one of the cool tinhats.

Though personally, I hold Warhammer fans responsible for little more than talking endlessly about their awesome paint jobs and also maybe staring at you until you get uncomfortable and leave the store.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]ldybastet, 2009-06-30 09:12 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mmanurere, 2009-06-30 10:25 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]platedlizard, 2009-07-01 09:26 pm UTC
(no subject) - [info]mmanurere, 2009-07-01 11:00 pm UTC

[info]suziecroft
2009-06-30 08:45 pm UTC (link)
The highlighting and the CAPS just make me think of Timecube.


...anyone else? No?

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]quietladybirman, 2009-07-01 02:37 am UTC
(no subject) - tree, 2009-07-01 03:06 pm UTC

[info]caffeine_fairy
2009-06-30 09:08 pm UTC (link)
Needs more chainsaws.

(Reply to this)


[info]enrythe8th
2009-06-30 09:17 pm UTC (link)
It would be like Shinji and Warhammer 40k! And that would be awesome!

(Reply to this)


[info]mistal
2009-06-30 09:42 pm UTC (link)
As no one mention how deathly this "toys" are?!? I mean, have you seen the bizillion tiny pieces that comes in each box? Enough to choke a school full of kids. Seriously!!1!!

(Reply to this)


[info]dragonsong12
2009-06-30 09:56 pm UTC (link)
Oh God, nothing is funnier than conspiracy theories. The only thing that could make it more amusing is if they were serious. Hahaha! This is the best F_W post is weeks!

(Reply to this)


[info]ahiru
2009-06-30 10:05 pm UTC (link)
Your child should look forward to any chance to be genetically altered by others.

Thank goodness that site is here to protect the children. Parents need to know that Warhammer will undo all those lessons they tried so hard to teach their kids, like how you should always run away when a stranger in van offers you delicious candy and genetic alteration.

that it is perfectly normal to have unquestioning obedience to who ever has the tallest hat, kids will not be given an equal opportunity to learn how to question such obvious mind control techniques.

The important lesson here, clearly: always have the tallest hat, and legions will be yours to command!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]_goblin_, 2009-07-01 12:48 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vzg, 2009-07-02 09:08 am UTC

[info]melkahb
2009-06-30 10:38 pm UTC (link)
I'm especially enamored of the idea that you have to open your mind to realize what these tinhats are teaching you, that you have to learn (or, in this case anyway, not unlearn) to question what someone tells you is true. Yet, I feel certain that attempting to question what these people are telling you only leads to shrieking and pointing and bad Donald Sutherland impressions. Funny how the conspiracy is always constructed to automatically exclude anyone who questions it.

Also, I can't get the Warhammer 40,000/Hello Kitty image to load here. :-( It just seems appropriate somehow when discussing corporations attempting to mind control the populace.

(Reply to this)


[info]white_serpent
2009-06-30 10:41 pm UTC (link)
and the strange assertion that it is perfectly normal to have unquestioning obedience to who ever has the tallest hat

At last, we truly understand the sinister purpose behind Snacky's icon.

I, for one, will be going out hat shopping tomorrow.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]tachikoma01, 2009-07-01 03:59 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]tachikoma01, 2009-07-01 04:04 am UTC

[info]solelyfictional
2009-06-30 11:16 pm UTC (link)
Cannibal Lesbian Morons! You can escape, but do you want to?

(I bypassed Warhammer and was in nodding acquaintance with the LotR game, but I think my 70s films might be showing)

(Reply to this)


[info]maximuski
2009-06-30 11:22 pm UTC (link)
DAMN.

*sigh*

My opinion? I think these kind of games are good to relieve stress, because let's face it, we all feel like punching people randomly at times. The problem is when you take it too seriously, then yes, you're fucked up. But then again, I don't think violent people become what they are because of videogames; they're just born that way and/or had shitty parents.

(Reply to this)

Because I can't believe no one's said it...
[info]dragonsong12
2009-06-30 11:33 pm UTC (link)
WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Because I can't believe no one's said it... - [info]vasaris, 2009-06-30 11:39 pm UTC

[info]vasaris
2009-06-30 11:37 pm UTC (link)
*snorts, laughing*

Dear Moron:

1. If you don't want rabid fanpoodles to come after you, try not shitting in the pool. If you must shit in the pool, plz 2 remember teh flame retardant biohazard suit.

2. If you don't want rabid fanpoodles to come after you, don't leave your email address where they can find it. Seriously, did you really think no one would notice, point you out, and then call the dogs? Yeah, I'm sure they could have behaved better, but dude, you're still a dumbass.

3. ...because, dude, Warhammer 40K is totally the new snakes and ladders. WTF, jackass? Also, going after one another with fake chainsaw swords is much better than going after one another with real ones. :):):)


I mean, it's not a nice universe, no, but seriously, your tinhat needs adjusting. Even if "my kids" had all of this to look forward to, I don't actually expect them to survive, oh, thirty-nine thousand years so they can enjoy it. *boggles*

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]brennalarose, 2009-07-01 12:44 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]maximuski, 2009-07-01 05:03 am UTC

[info]katemonkey
2009-06-30 11:47 pm UTC (link)
Dude, any company that includes this in their employee handbook is obviously evil.

But not to small children. JUST TO ALL THEIR EMPLOYEES.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]melkahb, 2009-07-01 02:19 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]mary_mac, 2009-07-01 10:51 am UTC

[info]rosehiptea
2009-07-01 01:28 am UTC (link)
Azrael =/= Israel, genius.

Yeah, I could have got a lot more out of this, but I'm stopping there because I already have a headache.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]melkahb, 2009-07-01 02:18 am UTC

[info]ivalice
2009-07-01 02:38 am UTC (link)
"By targeting children through Warhammer, these fiendish Masons ensure that our most handsome, athletic and socially proficient children will be caught in their sinister net."

Is this the new cliché gamer? Awesome. :D

Or does this only apply to the Sudoku, Supermodel and Wii sport games generation? Inquiring minds want to know!

(Reply to this)

Wank for the wank god!
[info]seiberwing
2009-07-01 02:43 am UTC (link)
This is why you don't mess around with Chaos, kids. You'll wind up crazy like this guy.

I'm surprised it took so long for something like this to develop, considering what happened to Dungeons and Dragons. My friend is really big into WH4K, I'll have to see whether this gets derisive laughter or powerful rage.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Wank for the wank god! - [info]seiberwing, 2009-07-01 05:47 am UTC

[info]iczer6
2009-07-01 02:59 am UTC (link)
That must be an interesting family game night.

(Reply to this)

Needs moar dakka
[info]dragonfangirl
2009-07-01 03:02 am UTC (link)
Sorry PARENTS WITH SMALL CHILDREN, you are required to ask Warhammer players what you are allowed to think, and what you may and may not tell your own children.

I'm pretty sure that when you come to this point, you need to suck up responsibility for being a fail parent, and stop blaming it on gamers.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

Re: Needs moar dakka - [info]lissibith, 2009-07-01 02:57 pm UTC


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