Fetch Me My Oriental Penis! or, The Wanker's Progress


Act 1:

Crowfrog: Woe betide me! No one loveth me! The world loatheth me! This forum loatheth me! Sob out my little heart I must!
Chorus: What hath transpired, O snookums?
Crowfrog: Oh ye who aspire to the pinnacles of humanity, ye sicken me! For I suffered, and ye knew me not; in my hour of need, ye abandoned me.
Chorus: Though we still know not that of which you whine, let us hug you and squeeze you and name you George!
Crowfrog: ::DRAMATIC WEEP::
Chorus: Oh, we are undone!

Act 2:

Inu: Thus be what hath so sorely vexed Our Heroine. It be nearly a year in passing, and she art verily a strumpet that ought to be condemned to the Pit.
Chorus: Villainy! Cruel villainy! Can ye not let that which is bygone stay in Fight Club?
Crowfrog: I shall overcome!
Alfador: Someone hug me!
Svzurich: Nonsequitur!
Snowhart: How dare someone think ill of Our Heroine for weeping publicly over a long-dead matter? Away with ye, foul devildog! Can ye not see ye cleave us in twain?
Chorus: Hurrah! What Creatrix hath joined, let no man put asunder!
[Huggling, exeunt.]

Act 3:

Earlessa of Wank: 'SBLOOD, THE COPIOUS SEMEN STINGS MY CORNEAS! Why doth the Lord suffer tards to live?
Horatio: You should wank this.
Earlessa of Wank: It is done!

Fin.


I spent days unable to physically move. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t breathe. I just lay on the floor trying to scrape myself back together. It was months before I finally returned, only to find that no one knew why I had disappeared.

This is my favorite paragraph in all of American literature.