Current mood:

Candy-Coated

Homestuck Wank! Just what the world needs!
It is a damn crying shame that this wank hasn't been reported, so I will do my best here. There is no way on God's green earth that I am c/ping the entire thing from wank_report, because it was seven or so comments long, but let me give you a little rundown:

Homestuck, for those who don't know, is a webcomic that's grown in enormous popularity over the last two years. It started as a fairly simple affair following four friends, John, Rose, Dave, and Jade, and has since blossomed into what could kindly be called 'a giant clusterfuck where everyone dies repeatedly.' Love it or hate it, it's hard to escape. Even if you don't know the comic, you've probably seen a grey-skinned, fanged, candy-corn horned alien and thought 'what the fuck is that?'

That's Homestuck!

Now, Homestuck has a lot of characters, and ship teases are constant, to the point where failed romance is something of a running joke within the comic itself. People make out a lot, although frequently they are making out with dead people. It's all very complicated.

John Egbert and Karkat Vantas are two of the main characters of the webcomic, and are both leaders of their respective groups within the comic. John is a normal human boy of thirteen, lovable, silly, fond of terrible movies. Karkat Vantas is a foul-mouthed, raging alien-troll douchebag with a heart of gold who briefly held a hatecrush - that's an official thing for trolls - for John. He admitted as such to the boy, who shot him down with the (now-infamous line) 'i am not a homosexual!' to which Karkat was baffled, asking 'HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?', because trolls are pansexual and do not even have a concept of gay or straight (except one particular troll named Kanaya who is lesbian by Word of God--REMEMBER THIS, it's important later). Anyway, later on, Karkat confessed said hatecrush was probably rubbish all along and he and John decided they were friends.

From a very verbose mousey on wank_report

The gist of what you need to know of this wank is this. A fellow by the name of vexthewarlord would like the world to know that John Egbert is Not A Homosexual. Because he says so right there in the canon! Vex is very insistent upon this point, to the point of being downright belligerent, going so far as to threaten to shank people who disagree with this assessment of John's sexuality. Word of this gets back to the operators of a fandom kink meme on LJ, who have already had problems with Vex and his nasty behavior. Naturally, he does not take well to this and starts doing what he does best - whining.

So apparently some idiot thought I was being confrontational in a Prompt. (note: some idiot was actually a mod.)

Wait, stop it Vex. If a mod had to come deal with you for being mildly off point you'll probably be accused of genocidal anti-semitism at this rate. Quick, get onto whatever topic you were actually going to!

Anyway, ridiculously thin-skinned OPs aside. The entire situation came about as a result of me being utterly blindsided by a key element of a prompt. In this instance it was futa, but really who cares about the specifics. My point is that I wasn't even aware that it was a factor until I got interested enough to consider filling the prompt and clicked to the original comment. Started writing a comment voicing my support and a theoretical possibility of me actually filling it at some point in the indeterminate future, then bam, I notice the "Futa" fit snugly into the subject line.

Now I'm not blaming the OP, in fact I had absolutely no problems with him until I saw someone was apparently so hurt by -god damn it back on topic- nor was I blaming him/her in my original not-even-really-snarky response or any of the follow-ups I made. They followed the rules about putting warnings in the subject line.

I'm just wondering why that rule exists if apparently it's just for show? The amount of time it would take to mirror those warnings onto the filladex with the rest of the comment along with the pairing/pairing unspecified would be absolutely infinitesimal and honestly makes me wonder why it isn't already being done.

I'm going to briefly summarize the rest as best I can, because it's so massive as to be incredibly daunting. Vex takes his anti-John-slash campaign to Tumblr, where he continues to whine about being a poor oppressed straight male being forced to read slash fics he hasn't actually read. And now for the surprise twist ending!

Surprisingly enough, Vex actually does not mind going against Word of God to make a lesbian troll bi-curious! According to Vex:

Most shippers don’t care about trampling over sexuality that’s established IN Comic, you think they’ll give a damn about sexuality that’s established via Word of God?
But enough trashing on the inanity that is John/whatever

@OP,
I SORT OF see where you’re coming from. I actually have a somewhat similar headcanon that essentially boils down to Kanaya being a Lesbian with bicurious tendencies. However Word of God is still a thing that exists, and there are plenty of in-comic implications that would at least hint at it, if not confirm it.
…Actually has Troll Bisexuality even been confirmed in-comic? I think it might have been just on Formspring. (mousey note: hilariously, troll bisexuality was confirmed immediately after john's 'not a homosexual comment. literally in the next three lines.)

Oh no wait, there was that thing with the homosexuality when John was talking to Karkat, although that’s not entirely definitive

What follows is a smackdown of epic proportions. And for the icing on the cake, Vex gives us his thoughts on yaoi. Literally.

I've also seen references to this on fail_fandomanon, but like hell I'm going and collecting those, too.