I managed to keep calm up to this part:

"Don't get me wrong here though, this isn't a jealousy thing. I'm very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Twilight is just as faithful to me as I am to her, she's actually sitting on the couch next to me reading while I type this. She's very real to me and I know she's not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist."

then I started giggling. And it just kept getting better from there! She's very vanilla, and she didn't consent to kinky sex with you! She doesn't belong to you, she's mine!

... that can't be real, right? Right?