"DIE YOU FAT PIG! I WISH CANCER UPON YOU!"
Once upon a time there was a little boy named Vinnie. One day, Vinnie made a movie. And I mean, REALLY made a movie. He, like, directed it, wrote it, starred in it, produced it, did music for it, did the cinematography, edited it, casted it, did the production design, art direction, set decoration, costume design, art, sound, and color timing. Plus, he fired Winnona Ryder and Kirsten Dunst from his set.

And people thought his movie sucked...

This made the little boy sad, because nobody likes his movies or understands how deeply he loves bunnies...

"When I see bunnies on the golf course, or in the backyard, I feel that's a safe place. I'm in love with those animals, even in a carnivorous way. They're my favorite meat."

Anyway, Vinnie was so upset about the reception of the movie that he eventually said he was sorry and said he'd never make movies again</i>.

Then along came a fat kid named Roger and Roger said that the movie really sucked.

This got Vinnie so mad that he said Fuck you, I never apologized. I have cursed your colon and now you will die! There were also some comments along the lines of "Roger Ebert may have a black wife, and that's ironic because he has the physique of a slave trader."

During a scene where Gallo shares a bicycle with a young woman, I became so nostalgic for "Butch Cassidy" that I softly sang "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head." I stopped after six words when my wife jabbed me in the ribs. I was overheard by a writer for Hollywood Reporter, who included it in his coverage about how badly the film was received, and that is another reason Gallo has put the heebie-jeebie on my colon and prostate. I am not too worried. I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than "The Brown Bunny."

...

Gallo all but wept in a Cannes interview as he described the pain of "growing up ugly," but empathy has its limits, and he had no tears for a fat pig and slave-trader such as myself. It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of "The Brown Bunny."

But I don't think the little boy will give up. After all, there's always the Villiage Voice who'll tell you that you're great for fighting conventional film making. Because the movies need less films about explosions and more films about people riding around the desert for hours doing nothing... and 8-minute long blow-job scenes.