(Post a new comment)

	parlance 2003-09-30 07:23 am UTC (link)
	That's funny - I just saw that one. That whole asking-the-husband-for-permission thing is completely foreign to me. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	ataniell93 2003-09-30 07:27 am UTC (link)
	Me too, but she didn't--she just mentioned it and he shot her down immediately. I have been the recipient of this from a husband who thought I should ask him for permission for things. I don't know how she lasted 10 years! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

parlance
2003-09-30 07:35 am UTC (link)

*nods* Even it being an *issue* is foreign to me - I understand there's give-and-take in a marriage, but this is more like a parent scolding a bad child. One can only imagine how much control the husband exerts over her life in general if a Duran concert causes this much drama.

One fan posted on a list I'm on that before she got married, she explained to her fiance that John Taylor had been in her life longer than he had, and he was going to have to deal. That shut him up.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	ataniell93 2003-09-30 07:43 pm UTC (link)
	The control-freak ex had problems of this nature regarding my cat. He said I loved the cat more than him. I told him he could complain about my relationship with that cat when he had been in my life as long as that cat had and was even half as loyal! (Reply to this)(Parent)

ataniell93
2003-09-30 07:25 am UTC (link)

Er, well, I looked at that and the issue seemed to be him telling her what to do. I was married (past tense) to someone like this, if I wanted to do something fannish it was a big deal, but if he wanted something that cost $100 you better believe he got it, because it wasn't 'stupid' like a Sailor Moon doll from Japan, it was some antique pocket watch or something else HE thought was 'collectible'. I'm certainly happier without him.

Then again, we weren't together any 10 years.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	coyotegirl 2003-09-30 08:22 am UTC (link)
	Same experience here. It looks more like a control issue to me than a fannish issue, from what the woman said. It is a bit wanky, though. (Reply to this)(Parent)

starherd
2003-09-30 08:25 am UTC (link)

Being not the breadwinner in my family, I can understand the instinct to *ask* the person who *is* making the money if I want something as transient as $100 concert tickets. If I was making money of my own, I'd not think twice about it... But when I'm not, I'm not going to go bringing up concerts and expecting tickets as presents unless I happen to know already that it's well within the budget...

So perhaps she's still married to this person who makes her feel so put-upon because he makes the money? Dunno, have no explanation of her situation. But from her post, it *does* sound remarkably self-centered (or is that Duran Duran-centered?) to me... And if it's concert tickets that put her over the edge toward divorce, maybe she's just looking for an excuse...

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	ataniell93 2003-09-30 12:09 pm UTC (link)
	I know few people in fandom who can't lay their hands on $100 with a month's notice or so, breadwinner or not--that's what ebay is for. I mean, I am one person and I live in a two-bedroom apartment because, being a fan, I have Way Too Much Stuff. And if I really wanted to do something that cost $100 I could probably sell off part of some collection somewhere. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	resmiranda 2003-09-30 04:18 pm UTC (link)
	I'm with you on this - I'm not the breadwinner, so you'd better believe I'm going to talk over a purchase like tickets ($100??? Jayzus!) with my husband. If we can't afford it, we can't afford it. Her husband's jealous? Doesn't like the fact that she spends hours on the computer? God forbid! Selfish much? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	ataniell93 2003-09-30 07:43 pm UTC (link)
	Oh, but it wasn't that he didn't like her spending hours on the computer-- it was spending hours on HIS computer. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	rebeccasama 2003-09-30 08:56 am UTC (link)
	To make one of the lamest jokes in the world... Lady Xanax needs some Xanax. :P Can't help but feel a little bad for the hubby if they're trying to make ends meet and she wants to blow a couple hundred on Duran Duran. LOL Are you allowed to list "Duran Duran" under reason for divorce? ponders much on this wank (Reply to this)(Thread)

mariagoner
2003-10-01 12:23 am UTC (link)

Yeah, that's sort of the vibe I get rom this wank too. But there are three ways to look at this situation.

a) The husband is a complete control freak that deprives his poor benighted wife of all that is precious in her world, even going so far as to infringe on her computer rights;

b) The woman is a crazy spend-thrift that wants to spend money that she doesn't even have (and that her husband earned) on a very transitory and frivolous purchase, and throws a shit-fit when she can't get it;

c) They're both nuts, and should split before they procreate.

We don't really have enough info to tell, considering the unreliable and obviously biased resources. So just take your pick, people...

(Reply to this)(Parent)

peacockharpy
2003-09-30 04:40 pm UTC (link)

What I really love is the other fans counseling her to find the money "somewhere" and then lie to her husband about who bought the ticket. (Or lie and say she's going to meet a friend in the same town as the concert. Or suchlike.) Because:

You NEED to go - this is a matter of life (yours) or death (your hubby's).

Ummm, no. This is a BAND. End of story.

=-=-=-=-=

On the "permission" front: all the years of my marriage, we've discussed major purchases. I think $100 for a single concert ticket (ouch) counts as major. Granted, there's never been a moment where he said I had or did not have "permission" to do something. (Nor have I said it to him.) We're adults and we're equal partners.

If this woman has been with him 10 years and THIS ISSUE is what's making her upset, it's far beyond time to head for counseling.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

mrbimble
2003-09-30 06:00 pm UTC (link)

Oh, yeah, lie to the hubby about a. how you got that ticket or b. where you're going. There's a healthy marriage.

As one that's been married almost as long as some people here have been alive (g), there's discretionary money I or my husband have, and then there's MONEY. Our general rule of thumb is $50. Anything more, we've got to put our heads together and see if we really can afford it or need it.

::shrug:: It's a system that works for us. I would think that if they've made it 10 years, there's kids or something holding that marriage together. And I would assume whatever the 'something' is, it might be a little more important than seeing some has-been-past-its-prime-we're-just-out-here-for-the-money band?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

parlance
2003-09-30 06:23 pm UTC (link)

Well, I'm not and have never been married, so I can't speak to that. But the OP explained that it isn't a financial issue in this case. It appears they have other issues - control issues - that threaten the stability of the relationship.

IMO, people are missing the point that this isn't just about a band - gnarled or wrinkly as they may be. ;-> I don't think anyone should have to put up with bitching and insults from a spouse about something they enjoy - in fandom or otherwise.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

iczer6
2003-09-30 07:22 pm UTC (link)

[It appears they have other issues - control issues - that threaten the stability of the relationship.]

I think that's the real problem and DD tickets were simply the catalyst.

Now call me crazy but unless the family is truly in dire financial straits I really don't see the big deal about buying some concert tickets.

It's not like this will be a daily thing for her, and unless the tickets are really unreasonably priced I don't see the issue. It's not like she's forcing him to go with her either, so I do feel that the husband is being a bit of a dick about it.

Icz

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	ataniell93 2003-09-30 07:41 pm UTC (link)
	Exactly my point. If you're not about to be evicted and selling the china, and your husband looks at you and says "Don't even think about it" and the last time you went was 3 years ago--Issues, baby. Issues. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	snacky 2003-09-30 08:51 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah, but where's the wank, then? In the comments right here! g (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	parlance 2003-09-30 10:04 pm UTC (link)
	g As long as there's wank... (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	snacky 2003-10-01 12:51 am UTC (link)
	Give me wank or give me death! g (Reply to this)(Parent)

ataniell93
2003-09-30 07:47 pm UTC (link)

Perhaps it's living in California, but I don't see $100 as a "major" purchase.

I thought the advice on the board about lying was bad; I thought the advice re ebay and garage sales was good.

I also would never, ever, EVER consent to be in a relationship where someone else was the breadwinner if I didn't have discretionary savings of my own, that no one was allowed to question my use of. What do you ladies who talk over every purchase with your husbands do about buying them Christmas and birthday presents--or are they all under $100?

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

crevette
2003-09-30 08:30 pm UTC (link)

When you're living paycheck to paycheck, $100 can be a lot. Especially on something like concert tickets...

Every tour, the Duranies do the same thing. There are actual entire threads devoted to "Do I pay my mortgage (buy my kids Christmas pressies, feed my family--as if that is a valid question) or do I spend the money to follow the band on tour" questions. You'd be amazed the number of people who advise them to just go follow the band "because it's a once in a lifetime thing".

Then after the tour the posts follow the theme of "I'm so broke, I'm being evicted, I hate my bills, I'm too poor to buy pressies for my kids".

Admittedly this woman has more problems than just the band, but her friends advising her to lie to her hubby, and to go see the band no matter what just amuse the hell out of me.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

ataniell93
2003-09-30 09:09 pm UTC (link)

I sort of understand what you're saying, and I've been broke enough that $100 was a lot at the time, but when I think of 'major purchase' I think of cars, computers, household appliances, things that cost more than that. Things you discuss with a partner, not because you need permission, but because everyone has to be happy with whatever brand/style/operating system you decide on, because more than one person will be using it. (Although I'll never ever share a computer again in my life! Kiri's #1 rule of computers: there is at least one in the house for every geek. Never ever again will I fight with a lover or housemate because their internet surfing means I can't write.)

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

peacockharpy
2003-10-01 05:24 pm UTC (link)

Kiri's #1 rule of computers: there is at least one in the house for every geek. Never ever again will I fight with a lover or housemate because their internet surfing means I can't write.

We live by that one around here... otherwise you're always angling to try and get computer time. With my husband being a system administrator and me being a freelance writer, you can see the necessity. ;)

(Reply to this)(Parent)

hotpinkdragones
2003-09-30 09:38 pm UTC (link)

I live in the Midwest, and I see spending $100 on a single item to be a major purchase. But--depending on what that purchase was--I might or might not discuss it with my husband first.

I put all my purchases on my credit card, and my general rule of thumb is that if something's going to push me above $500 for the month on that card, I confirm with him that our budget can handle it. That's about $300 in "all for me" money, since I spend about $100 on gas and $100 on groceries on that card a month. (In a typical month, the card's usually at $300-$350).

I'd talk to him about concert tickets not because of the cost, but because of the time--our schedules are pretty full and sometimes it's hard to schedule things in.

-hp

(Reply to this)(Parent)

starherd
2003-09-30 10:09 pm UTC (link)

> I also would never, ever, EVER consent to be in a relationship where someone else was the
> breadwinner if I didn't have discretionary savings of my own, that no one was allowed to
> question my use of.

More power to ya :-)
We went from a two-major-income-paying-off-college-debt back east to a breadwinner-and-subsidiary-income here in CA after a year or so. (Husband Dear is a software engineer, and at the time, moving out here was the thing to do; it's at least worked well on the debt front). However, my own job was... erm... Bad, and not amenable to me having a kid. Kid = responsibility = big cut down on frivilous spending, because that $$'s going to be a lot more useful later when you *need* it.
(When we move, for example, we'll probably have to pay for it ourselves, because companies aren't doing the big moving bonuses so much any more - so the more we save, the sooner we can move to somewhere more pleasant for the family.)
So anyway... It's not a matter of consenting to be in a relationship; it's a matter of making a family work, from this angle. Part of making a family involves actually valuing the people you're with more than the money or indepdenence anyway.

Selling stuff on Ebay is where my money for Christmas/Birthday stuff for Husband Dear comes from, right now. I want to get him stuff, so I'm not going to go spending the proceeds on myself until the stuff for him is gotten, y'know? And, yeah, a lot of the time, the gifts we get each other are under or around $100 - $200. It's rare that we actually *want* something that's more than that, honestly.

It's just an adjustment/different priorities. When you start a family, fandom gets a lot lower on the list of things that it's worth spending money on.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	ataniell93 2003-10-01 12:15 am UTC (link)
	You do mean if, not when, right? Cause I've been fixed for over 10 years now. And you do have income of your own, so you're not one of the people who boggles my mind--the people who say that they have no money their SO doesn't know about and have a say in the spending of. At all. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	rann 2003-10-01 12:55 am UTC (link)
	I think the "When you start a family" was more a general statement, not directed at anyone specifically. (Reply to this)(Parent)

starherd
2003-10-01 02:44 am UTC (link)

How about if/when? Yes, sorry, generalizations aplenty here. :-)

I grew up in a one-income household, too, so me thinking that it's not that odd a financial model probably has to do with my background anyway. But even then, it was more like Mom got part of the paycheck, and Dad didn't interfere/ask about how it was spent (though they would check with each other before bigger expendatures, and for our family budget at the time, over $100 counted).
So, indeed, a husband that doesn't share the income at all when it's a one-income household isn't doing so well with that sharing-as-part-of-relationship thing, to put it mildly. That just wasn't what first sprang to mind for me... but like I said, no way to tell :-P

Those are some darned scary... er... dedicated fans, though. Hope the band appreciates that they're more important than life to some of these fans... either that, or that they're blissfully ignorant...

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

parlance
2003-10-01 06:16 pm UTC (link)

I wonder though - generally speaking, this isn't directed at anyone in this thread - if households with men who aren't the breadwinners bother asking their wives about major purchases before they buy them. Or is it only the women who feel the need or feel pressured to check with their husbands.

Again, not directed towards anyone in particular. I'm just curious as to how that works.

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	valarltd 2003-10-02 03:06 am UTC (link)
	We talk over anything over $50, and don't buy each other presents. And yes, even $30 on the wrong thing at the wrong time can mean a lot of nights of macaroni in a family of 6, with 2 vehicles and ungodly commutes (30 mi round trip 6x week, 60 mi round 5/week, 90 mi 2x/week and 60 mi 1x. week) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	hm_ 2003-09-30 07:13 pm UTC (link)
	Completely randomly: what a lovely icon you have! (Reply to this)(Thread)

	crevette 2003-09-30 08:26 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you! (Reply to this)(Parent)

mariagoner
2003-10-01 12:59 am UTC (link)

Okay, it's official. Lady Xanax is really weird around the guys. Look at what she wrote about how she might finance her Duran Duran ticket if her husband doesn't give her money:

I CAN pay for my own ticket (The donations thing was a nice thought, but I don't need your money. Please save it for yourselves to go and enjoy it. If worse ever came to worse, my father would buy the ticket, Daddies are good for that lol)

This grown (and hopefully mature) woman still calls her father Daddy. And relies on him to give her money when her husband refuses. I'm picturing spoiled little Daddy's girl here, and I'm suddenly feeling very bad for her hubby-dear.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	starherd 2003-10-01 02:48 am UTC (link)
	Oh dear... sounds more and more like a wanker... (Reply to this)(Parent)

	feenix 2003-10-01 02:50 am UTC (link)
	Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but somehow that just...rubs me the wrong way. She very well may be in an extremely domineering relationship. However, the fact that she considers being denied DURAN DURAN TICKETS "marital cruelty" is just really pissing me off. I mean, seriously. And CAPTAIN DURANIE needs to be bitchslapped. Seriously. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	parlance 2003-10-01 06:11 pm UTC (link)
	I think Captain Duranie likes to post things to play devil's advocate/piss people off. A troll who just.won't.leave. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	teratologist 2003-10-01 04:44 am UTC (link)
	Just another example of why joint checking accounts aren't half as romantic as people think. (Reply to this)

	naltariel 2003-10-01 07:36 am UTC (link)
	I got a funny idea that the husband might do it on purpose just to get rid of his wife. HAHAHA. (Reply to this)

leahthegreat
2003-10-02 01:28 am UTC (link)

I can understand that she might feel trapped about the fact that her husband doesn't want her to blow the money on concert tickets, but it's more than that. It appears they're not rich, so if the paycheck is the difference between something important, and the Duran Duran concert, it's kind of a no brainer. The concerts fun, but then you move on. And you feel stupid when you've invested so much time in it.

Counseling. It's your friend.

(Reply to this)