Mock. Mockmockmock. Mockity-mock-mock

1:10am: Beating the Skeleton of the Dead Horse, a Wank in Three Movements
punk_turtles posts to the YouThink.com forums, waxing poetic about Avril Lavigne:

"I suppose everyone is tired of reading post based on the pop princess, Avril Lavigne...Well, I was reading in what I think was Newsweek magazine, and there was an article based on Avril..Well, I was reading along, when I came across the part where they called her the anti-Britney.."

Apparently this is rather old news, as the first few commenters point out, which after a comment by jusork ("Criticizing an artist because their [sic] popular is the wrong way to judge an artist") turns into a pleasing diversion about lip gloss, and then Kareng steps in with the ill-fated caveat, "The joke is Avril."

Cue CRYN_OUT—"The joke is how jealous you are of her!"

Several people point out not only the dubious nature of Ms. Lavigne's "talents" (disclaimer: I know nothing about Avril and prefer it stay that way) but the fact that CRYN_OUT doesn't "have to diss people who DON'T like her."

CRYN_OUT (responding to asserations of Avril's lack of a good singing voice): "She doesn't lip synch and I can tell because the song has variations in it." I have no idea what that means.

It calms for a while and then more "haterz" chime in, with CRYN_OUT making a few feeble attempts to stick up for her fave ('cept for one attempt on page 5 where she bravely and courageously says "f*ck"! Twice!).

And punk_turtles was never heard from again. The end.

P.S. "And you're anti anything that is not Beatles or Eric Clapton, so it seems." And there's a problem with that how?

ETA: Thanks to ivorykisses for pointing this out.

10:59am: OMG! Worst House of Usher EVA!!!111
You find really weird shit when you decide to look for other people who have your interests...

"Here's my House of Usher picture!" "That house sucks!" "You're so ignorant!" "I know Poe far better than you do!" "Put your crap behind an LJ cut!"

And throughout this all I'm wondering is when gamma rays were added into the story. RODERICK USHER SMASH!

2:49pm: When real-life literary asshats go WANK!
Is it a small wanky world after all? Spooge knows no bounds, no nationality and now, not even language barriers. Ever since man wrote shit up and gave it to others to read, wank has been a constant companion to humanity, like a loyal dog, or maybe a nasty case rabies, following us to every single corner of the planet.

In tonight's adventure, real-life writers battle it out in a newspaper's 'printed letters' section, because Doctors in Literature can act like 14 year old girls if they really try. I read this and I thought of Fandom Wank. Oh, yes, did I ever…Sure, it's in Spanish. Sure, it talks about 'real' literature. But dammit, why am I getting flashbacks of Harry Potter slashers wanking each other to pieces?

Diálogo (Dialogue) is small, liberal publication of the University of Puerto Rico focused on covering the happenings of the literature world and investigative reporting. In wankspeak, it's a festering cesspool of elitist wankers that write books stuuupid normal people will never read and that every now and then pine for the long gone days when communism and socialism where TEH COOL.

Enter Julio Ortega, a BNF —oops— IMPORTANT LITERARY CRITIC, DAMMIT from Peru. In a section of his essay about contemporary Spanish poetry, he says, and I'm translating from the Spanish, why PR poets are never in his anthologies:

"Contemporary Puerto Rican poetry almost hasn't been able to get out of its insular encasement. Rather, it has been consumed in dividing debates and almost always lacks generosity."

(Ah, foreshadowing…)

In other words, you've been moaning about the same stuff since the 70's. Please, please, please write about something else, anything! I'll even take a LOTR fic!

As if it prove that behind every serious writer with a master in literature there lies a dumb bitch the likes of a Harry Potter fangirl, here come the clowns:

WATCH as 'important' *snicker* writer Carlos Esteban Cana gets his panties in a bunch and starts forwarding the text to all his fellow rejects friends! Not only that, he encourages them to show up for a conference Ortega is hosting near town.

"The anthologist Julio Ortega will offer this week a conference in the Ateneo, called something like "F in Puerto Rican literature". I think it'll be interesting to attend…"

*evil cackle* I'll say!

But WAIT! There's MORE! Somehow this call to arms reaches the newspaper and the next thing we know, the 'letters' section has become the writers very own LiveJournal!

( *Warning: elitist asshats using big words ahead. Trust me, translating this baby was a thing of joy. Proceed with thesaurus. )

This is why I hate my fandom country. It's depressing to see so-called 'serious writers' downgrade themselves to the level of mundane HP fangirls. The real irony is that 90% of the island population has no idea who they are and why should they care. Brings a tear to the eye, precious, oh yes it does…

Wank on, Puerto Rico. Wank on.

NOTE: Sorry about the lack of links. It's a Spanish printed paper, so I don't think a lot of people would understand it either…

EDIT: I have links! But only in Spanish and only the first half (because it spilled over to the paper's next issue...you'd think they didn't have life *snickers*) Better than nothing...

3:11pm: Deviantart / Guilty Gear mini-wank!
On Deviantart, Remirez-Leonard posts a piece of art expressing distase for characters in the videogame "Guilty Gear."

The Artist Comment:

/Die Faust, Bridget, Zappa, and any other stupid creation Ishiwatari decides to put into his game, having shat it out of his ass prematurely.

GreaTeacherKuri disagrees:

/What's wrong with Faust? Or Bridget?..Or Zappa? They're just characters to bring humor to the serious, GG world. And they're pretty cool characters, too...

So, now you're saying Sol and Ky are stupid creations as well? After all, they could be considered a 'gag' or characters that are just 'rip offs' of others.

You're a fucking disgrace to the GG fanworld, man. Go back under the fucking rock you came out from under./

Ramirez-Leonard fires back:

/LOL, you're a fucking riot! You know jack shit, whore.

Guilty Gear needs no humor; it started out hardcore, it should end hardcore. Baldhead was enough humor to begin with, and even that was almost pushing it.

Bridget is the walking ass cancer of a poorly put together character just to apease the airheaded fangirls who though Sol and Ky were lovers. Such fanwhore material has no right to exist, therefore is a joke character, and deserves to be destroyed. And the fact that he's a CROSSDRESSING LITTLE KID further fucking illustrates his uselessness to Guilty Gear as a whole.

Faust is just outright unfunny. No need for slapstick humor in such a serious environment.

I'm not saying Sol and Ky are anything. Ever since the first Guilty Gear, Ishiwatari started to analy fuck the series over with stupid creation after stupid creation. Not saying that Anji or Slayer, or Ino or hell, even Venom suck or anything, but all the joke characters have to end, because they're NOT funny, and they're NOT vital to the storyline much LESS make the story anything near interesting whatsoever.

Now fuck off twit. You don't like my version of hardcore? Then stay the hell away. No one asked your bitch ass to come in the first place./

There's more, but overall, short and sweet.

PS: Got pointed out somewhere else as wank. Will not list them in case the wank overflows to them, but will give credit if they ask.

10:07pm: Detagged, you're it!
Small(ish) and of course, stopped for now cause deleted, but...

Crystal Gamgee claims to have the 'original' of a particular photograph of Dom Monaghan and Billy Boyd (on dominic-daily on LJ). Cesare (almostnever) points out that the 'original' is a printout of her imperfectly dewatermarked copy of the picture. Crystal Gamgee warns Cesare she could be SUED OMG for dewatermarking pictures. Someone brings that comment to the attention of celebrity image community image_direct, whose mods promptly kick Crystal out of the comm.

Meanwhile the post mysteriously disappears...

Bonus wank: appearing briefly before the post is deleted, the "dear friend who works for Getty Images" comments anonymously to back Crystal Gamgee up. Sadly not captured in the saved page, but maybe someone else has it or saw it? ETA, here now courtesy of Hnkeh:

I have been a photographer for over sixteen years and worked with many well known companies throughout the web as well as WB Studios and Disney...

Please, I allowed Miss Gamgee to post these pictures to the community with the feeling that they would be apperciated by those who also adore the actors who I have captured images of. I do not feel she has to prove herself any further so I have requested that she remove the images from this community and just keep them for her own personal enjoyment. No hard feelings everyone but I do not apperciate a fellow co-worker having to prove herself beyond what she has tried to put forth to the bunch of you already. She is a very talented individual and deserves respect.

Sincerely,
Dan Pantennella

Extra bonus wank: Crystal Gamgee's website of 'sketches' of the LOTR actors, most of which appear to be photographs that were traced, run through graphics filters, or both.

(pun-title provided free of charge by cesare haha. ha. *runs away before she gets killed now*)

11:17pm: Fandom_Bitch Strikes Again!
After her initial wankfest (previously posted), she got a tad boring. But now (due to lack of readership and/or wanky comments, I imagine) she's whining about us, which I find ironic because her journal was only created to spew forth wank in the first place.

Actually, what's doubly amusing is that she can't count; six comes after five, dear (see entry titles).

(Not very wanky at the moment, but what the hell. I needed a break from the crystalgamgee wank.)