Mock. Mockmockmock. Mockity-mock-mock

12:00pm: The Saiyuki Wank Incident
I love my fandom dearly, but this needed to be wanked.

Sariyuki started a "38 Incidents" project to promote Sanzo x Hakkai: authors are writing toward a goal of 38 ficlets for an underrepresented pairing. It's been a hit so far--22 fics submitted in a little over a month. It's a nice idea, because the fandom is pretty much dominated by 58 (Gojyo x Hakkai) and 39 (Sanzo x Goku). Sure, it's not canon, but come on, THERE IS NO CANONICAL YAOI IN SAIYUKI. The beauty of the series is that you can pair up virtually any of the characters.

Non-38 fans start complaining. Why? Because of the contest's sudden popularity. Because it's supposedly increased the amount of crap on FF.net. Because 38 conflicts with their "canonical" OTP. Despite the fact that THERE IS NO CANONICAL YAOI IN SAIYUKI. 38 fans get called upon to justify their pairing. Someone even proposes a "39 Incidents" project, to combat the onslaught. 39 is possibly the most popular Saiyuki pairing out there, so holding a similar challenge for it would be moot, and contradicts why the "Incidents" project was created in the first place.

*clears throat* I'm both a 38 and 58 fan myself, so it really cheeses me to see that fans on both sides can't get along.

1:57pm: Allez Cuisine!....Iron Chef wank
Since FoodNetwork is showing Iron Chef America: Battle of the Masters for the umpteen billionth time......

"Tell me how you wank, and I'll tell you who you are." --Brillat/F_W
Some wanktastical wank going down at both the FoodNetwork message boards, as well as the Iron Fans Online message board. Seems that some wanker thinks that the Japanese Iron Chefs got shafted during the judging of the dishes.....and decides to start a PETITION to have the decisions reversed.

And then Chairman Kaga announces the theme ingredient: SPLOOGE!!!!! OMG my cuizeen iz pastede on yay!
Hear! Viewers call Iron Chef America racist!
See! Wankers fighting about how Bobby Flay is teh EVOL!

And then the wank de-volves into a FTV bashing of how they're showing ICA far too often.

Enjoy!.....I'm gonna go grab some trout ice cream and laugh 'til it comes out my nose!

5:13pm: WARNING: Gaia wank ahead.

Okay, so it starts when one Mr Smigs posts the following in the writer's forum:

( Fanfiction isn't creative!!!1 )

Not wanky enough on its own, but it gets better when he later says he hates fanfiction because:

see the problem is that for the 1 in a ba-jillion fanfics that is even worth reading, all those others are people who think they might have some chance at being like that 1....
therein lies the problem
while fanfics exist, wannabes will exist

I don't know how bad fanfic writer = wannabe in Smigs' mind but it does.

To be honest, his whining over being labeled and his firm belief that he is a unique and special snowflake in a mass of sheep coupled with his obnoxious overuse of elipses makes me want to hit him more than his stance on fanfiction. And he claims he isn't pretentious.

The whole she-bang is here. It's small now, but it's likely to grow, what with that Hemp Fandango chick getting her knickers in a twist.

Edit because it's getting better: Smigs returns.

first up... hate fanfics 'cause they're from wanabees who write crap, think it's good, and take offence at criticism...

second... the "fanfics" that people do see (dracula, myths whatnot)... have at least been published... doesn't mean they're great... but does mean that someone thinks they were good enough to publish... or remember in the case of myths... that says alot for them... internet released fics don't have that going for them... thus it's like a plague of rats spreading their bile across my screen...

proper grammar, spelling i don't need. I'm an engeneer... i'd speak withcode, but i doubt even the 1337 would get that...
and i think to fast to double check anyways...

I wish I were an "engeneer" then I wouldn't have to bother with that whole spelling and grammar nonsense. I somehow doubt "thinking too fast" is your problem, sweets.

7:09pm: How Not to Become a Well Loved BNF, lesson #1
I'm sure a few of you are aware of an anime called Full Metal Alchemist. It's a trifling little drama about alchemy, and had gathered a small little fandom of its own, despite being so, well, microscopic.

A little while back, scimitarsmile opened up an archive for Full Metal Alchemist fanfiction. Probably to her surprise, interest was unusually high, and she found herself hosting many stories (some by notably excellent writers). Even above the pit of voles Fanfiction.net, this site gained notoriety as THE place to archive FMA fiction.

How does something like this happen? How does one humble webmistress become exalted above all the rest? Part of it is skill, of course: the site has a clean look and is easy to navigate. But the rest is clearly serendipity; there was a vortex of bad fanfiction out there, and clearly this miniscule, chibi, hardly-to-be-accounted for shrimpy fandom needed a decent outlet.

Well, scimitarsmile gave us one. And in return for this, what does she acquire? A Giant Fucking Prima Donna Complex, aka, her "Story Archiving Policies." At issue is the following bullet point:

1. The primary requirement is that all completed FmA stories by any hosted author are archived here. It's an all-or-nothing agreement.*

EDIT: As has been pointed out, I can and do make exceptions. They're rare, and entirely at my discretion.

...

As is often the case, the best wank can be found in the replies, as incredulous hangers on boggle over how any writer could possible find exception to a policy that wrests online publishing control of fics from an author, although scimitarsmile's wounded ego is amusing to witness as well.


6.11.04 EDIT: scimitarsmile has locked the thread. Yes, THAT scimitarsmile, the one who said "I'd lock this thread but I have such a strong streak against censorship." Um, psyche?

10:09pm: Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!
Supposedly, some Star Wars slash group got invaded by some psychoChristians and subsequently nuked from Yahoo via a conspiracy or two. I think that most of us can agree that this, if it happened as reported, is Bad. Unfortunately, the owner of said group has to go and make a fool of hirself.

Witness, through the magic of an online petition (the most effective means of political change known to man, I'm told), threats to contact "the ACLU, The Gay and Lesbein rights society, the FTC, bigclassaction.com, UNIX, the postmasters of the individual providers," and, god help us all, internet lawyers. As always, some of the most funniest funny is to be found in the comments/signatures.

I'd like to dedicate this wank to the sharp pain that appears behind my left eye every time I see people screaming "FIRST AMENDMENT" without knowing what the hell the First Amendment says.