Mock. Mockmockmock. Mockity-mock-mock

12:25am: FEAR THE COCK!
Earlier today, Colin Farrell's cock took over Livejournal.

(What? His dick's a fandom in itself, I'm sure. Heck, he's certainly a big enough fan of it for the rest of us.)

So. Some enterprising soul went and took screencaps of Tigerland, or, more specifically, COLIN FARRELL'S COCK. (Do I really need to mention that this post, in particular, is NOT WORK SAFE?) Witness pages upon pages of "eeew!" comments from people who, sigh, apparently think uncircumcised = teh ick. Witness other comments along the lines of, "WTF is wrong with you people?"

A couple threads spawned amusing quotes, and, well, I'm sure we all know where this is going. The friendly denizens of metaquotes, LJ version, are never averse to bringing the wank... appropriately enough in this particular instance.

The first post, containing the memorable phrase "jewish in their pants", features the quote-ee, lakepollock, wanking left and right about how all women prefer cut men, all men are shallow vapid bitches, it's SO HARD to keep an uncut dick clean, and if she has to shave her legs and her pits then men should have to cut off their foreskins! (Frankly, I'd like to know who's holding the gun to her head razor to her legs.)

Somehow, it all comes back to female circumcision.

The second metaquotes post features significantly less wank, but it does include an exchange that, at least for today, WINS AT THE INTARWEB:

"( Cut FOR THE CHILDREN )
...perhaps if it had been, then there would not be controversy regarding it..."
"From now on I'm going to say lj-circumcised."

Meanwhile, I'm just sitting here figuring out how I can lure that cock home to me.

12:50am: Reposting the CC wank....
Let's try again, true believers. Since someone decided to bah-leet the original post -- apparently after a few people complained -- I'm reconstructing this, with a moral: Dun delete your posts without a good reason...it pisses us off big-time. So, for anyone unclear on the concept: please don't delete your wanks without good reason, and people bitching about them isn't a good reason in and of itself. Cause, you know, wankers and friends of wankers will always bitch.

Someone apparently broke into Cassie Claire's apartment and robbed her and her roommates of lots of expensive computer equipment. Not wanky, just tragic. She appeals to the masses to try to behave...a dictum they promptly ignore as some people ask about Cassie's ongoing fanfic magnum opus, to which maybethemoon and littletort react very badly. Tackiness begets ranting, and such is life on the Internet.

The original post also included a link to a comment about collecting money, and, while I'm too lazy to search the comments for this, someone did send me this link. Sounds eerily familiar, but I'm just presenting it here for y'all to comment on.

4:00pm: abuh?
We've all heard about Scott Peterson, right?

You know who I mean, The Sexiest Bad Boy on the Planet. Not only is he young, handsome, and a bad boy; but also, he is now single!

Besides the obvious omgwhatiswrongwithyou, there's nothing particularly wanky. But thanks to j.potts post, a flood of "dousche bag"-s come a-running, Caps Lock o' Dooooom in tow (which, IMHO, is more wanky then having the hots for Scott Peterson).

You know the routine. Spelling. Extended edition of "WTF is wrong with you people?" The psuedo-AOLer speak.


First post. Hi, y'all.

7:49pm: Wee Wicked-type wank
So, Wicked leading lady Idina Menzel is married to actor Taye Diggs. Recently, it's been reported that they've been receiving hate mail because of their interracial relationship, some of which has included death threats.

A few over at wicked_musical have made icons in support. It's not long before someone gets offended, because making icons about something so private and serious is "virtually sick."

9:33pm: War of the Tori wanks!
Take this post as a warning: it is highly likely that there will be steady, nay, powerful stream of wankage coming in the next few months from the @forumz Tori Amos board. Because she's got a new album coming out, and the masses are teaming with wank of the highest quality.

Our first example: two song samples have leaked.

Fans already were a little wary, because about a week ago, someone who got an advanced copy of Tori's book with Ann Powers, "Piece by Piece", leaked info and took photos of some of the pages (which have been taken down now, I think because of fear of getting in trouble for it). These excerpts revealed Tori talking in an even loopier fashion than usual, as well as a number of new song titles, including the classy "Hoochie Woman" and "The Power of Orange Knickers". No, sorry, this is not a joke. (That wank went down here, but seeing as it's 16 pages long and the best is yet to come, it might be better to take my word for it.)

Still, despite this mild uproar, if anything this bizarreness lent most fans to believe that the album might be really weird and passionate and out there, another "Boys for Pele" or something, which, after her last album, "Scarlet's Walk", many people were eager for. So the shock at hearing the 90 second clips of "Sleeps With Butterflies" and "Cars and Guitars" was profound, to say the least. Smegma writes: "Thanks, you made my day. But that's actually before hearing those clips."

Of the first song, some have compared it to the type of music you hear when you've been put on hold on the telephone. One poster writes, "The opening vocal of "Cars and Guitars" sounds just like Cat Stevens, "Father and Son"!" Ouch. Some say, "Hold up! These might just be singles, and the rest of the album might be interesting!" Others are already calling it quits.

Pretty soon the Tori forum is awash in splooge. People keep making new threads, often making punctuation errors that would have Lynne Truss in tears ("Sleep's with Butterflys"), either to freak out about the songs, freak out about the people who don't like the songs, or freak out that they are such losers they care so much.

( for example... )

And ... yeah ... there's more, much more. And more will come, I can guarantee.