Mock. Mockmockmock. Mockity-mock-mock

12:17am: Augen Auf! Die Anonymice kommen!
Background: Oomph! is a German band. They make good music, and are often compared to Rammstein. Except Oomph! doesn't have as many members, don't have as many of the scary kinky lyrics, and they sing several songs in English. Sadly (for American fans) they don't tour here because they aren't very well known, and don't have any kind of distribution contract in the States. Which brings us to the wank-

Over in the oomphkismet community, anonymice come to play troll. Mostly blasting people for begging songs off other fans, with cries of
great idea... GO BUY THE CD.. nooby fan jackasses. way to delete my other comments too.. go support the band.. man you guys are the worst fans i've ever heard of!

Of course, the fans are quick to say that they would buy the music, if, you know. It was distributed in America.

My favorite part is when the Mouse/Mice pulls out the There are two of us who are complaining here as anonymous users, not just one. its my and one of my best friends, and if you find out who he is, you just might piss your pants.. because, um. We're supposed to quake in Internet Awe of Anonymice or something.

She/he/they have even taken the trouble to troll back through older entries. (There was another, but it has since been friendslocked)

The only disappointing part of this whole thing is when the mouse apologizes and everyone runs to play in a field of sunshine and flowers and hot German men with sexy voices.

Tiny, I know... but it made me giggle.

12:17am: this is sad, in a funny way
He sort of had a break-down in January 2005.

The sympathy-wanks:

Maya Seligman "sez": I want to put you in a nest, so all your fans could nurture you. You could look up and see the hundreds of faces that hold you in their thoughts and prayers on a regular basis (normally without you even knowing it). I wish you could see the strong threads of human connections that are plugged into you, even when they don't express it to you.

cj "sez" (the mandatory Jesus-on-a-cross plug): Remeber man, there is a God who cares very deeply for you. So much so he gave his life up as a sacrafice for you. Email me if you want to talk about it.

Ginna "sez": I'm not going to give you a pile of platitudes that will minimize your pain. Oh yay! Common sense! It may sound dumb, but when I have had similar pain in my life, sometimes it has helped to revel in it. Pull every ounce of pain, misery and tears that you can out of it. Fucking hell... Let it inspire you either to make changes in your life or creatively as it has in this movie. Oh yay! More emo kids!

Ultimately, steve "sez" it for us all: Get off the web.

$20 this is on ebaumsworld within the month?

[EDIT] Shii "sez" (paraphrased): ZING! (mirror)

And then the confessional...
GSTPal "sez": Justin, you are a beautiful butterfly. Your video touched me in a way no video has before, in a brilliant, mind alteringly erotic way. I've always denied it to myself, but now I know.

Justin, you've made me realise that I am gay.

I want to be with you, and I know I can't, but I'm not going to video it, I'm going to find my very own Justin. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find a man who can satisfy you the way no woman could.

PS: This is deadly serious.

Thankyou, Justin.

1:09am: Wank the stupid
Mock the wankers

So over on Mock the Stupid,jenniferjayde, who works at an alternative radio station, made a post about someone requesting The Cure, doing the cover of 311's Love Song.
FYI, it's the other way around. Okay, fine.

smu makes a comment to the effect of Bah, Phillistines.

metsubosnap takes offense and calls smu an "elitist prick" and demands to know how many years of musical theory do you need to get to the center of a Cure Pop. Oh, and appears to initially think that smu is the OP, and uses the opportunity to take out frustration about radio.

Others begin a dogpile of 'Cure is better!' '311 is better!' 'They both suck but not as hard as you!' and there is much wank. Included is 'read before you write' and nitpicking. Also, so many $10 words thrown around that I felt the need to duck.

Small, and metsubosnap seems to have taken his balls and gone home, but still entertaining.

ETA: Take it back. First of all, slight gender mixup, as going back to metsubosnap's reveals that he's a boy. Fixed that. Second of all...it continues. Now there's wank over 'I left!' 'Then why are you still here?'

3:44am: posted on behalf of someone without a jf account
The Linkin Park fandom. Cute boys in what's most fittingly described as a nu-metal boyband. So anyway, the epicenter of the fandom recently moved to lpfiction.com When the new LPfiction.com opened, tension started brewing between a certain Sarah Renee and site moderator Gummibear Queen regarding the new rules, like "no pedophilia", "no animal sex", "no advocating rape" etc (the old now-defunct site having no rules whatsoever). Fair enough.

That was a while ago. Some time these past couple of days Sarah decides to post a story about Mike Shinoda (that's the rapper of the band) having sex with a dead baby. It gets deleted. There was a thread going on on the boards, but it was deleted (too bad, because someone called Gummibear Queen "Gummifucker", and I love that so much I want to frame it and eat it up). Now, the fic itself is gone, but those who want to read an example of Sarah Renee's fics, here it is. (I'd warn you about it, but you know. Just think dead babies.)

Then Sarah starts a thread on the boards, appropriately titled pedophilia!!!, seemingly for no other reason than to provoke Gummibear Queen. Initially, amusement abounds. People make cute little dead baby jokes. Then some people get offended.

The splooge causes ripples on the water in plenty of friends-locked journals, but unfortunately only Sarah makes a public post expressing her views, rather magnificently I must say.

7:00am: Memoirs of a Wanker
I suppose anybody who cares already knows that Zhang Zi-Yi will be starring in Memoirs of a Geisha. I don't especially care, myself, but I came across the fact on Roger Ebert's website and thought, "oh, boy, I bet there's wank." And sure enough, pop on over to IMDB, and three out of six Memoirs of a Geisha threads are wank city. The two short ones I will summarize in full.

frog123 thinks the movie will suck. WhoLead tells him/her that he/she is wrong. tammyisaacsy2k just refuses to see the movie because 'the novel was too good'.

feilung888 thinks there's nothing wrong with the casting. There is some interesting discussion of the nature of stardom. namieamurosBf841 speaks for the entirety of Japan (although I'm sure most of Japan spells better than she does), saying if you're going to cast a Chinese woman as a geisha you might as well cast a white girl. bakuyaku snarks at her. moag agrees with feilung888, but links to an article that opens bakuyaku's eyes to why Chinese women shouldn't play geisha. andrew2003wong-1 says said article is racist. ghastlywarrior says ethnicity is irrelevant to casting. kyrilona says casting is done purely with box-office draw in mind. feilung888 makes some rather irrelevant point about Bruce Lee, leading to a discussion of stage names.

Then there's the long one:

amy_lee83 quotes a dictionary definition of 'racism' and says that the casting is okay. scj4533 says it's matter of equal opportunity for Chinese actresses. movieguy23 whines with arbitrary capitalization. WhoLead points out that filming's already started and complaining won't do any good now. dumpster_cakes says that anybody griping should go make their own movie. japanophile pulls a classic conversation-stopper by discussing his Asian fetish. theninthwave attempts to be ironic with some help from the CAPSLOCK OF RAGE. amy_lee83 pokes the troll. theninthwave says they can take this outside. blackbarbie20 doesn't get it. pas_si_simple offends everybody by saying there's really no difference between Japanese and Chinese. nquintil thinks the decision was good from an acting POV but not from a minority rights one... or something. sune2 says if Mel Gibson can play a Scot, then Zhang Zi-Yi can play a geisha. The post responding to hers was deleted by a moderator. ParkAMK says all Asians look alike and she knows because she's Korean. The reply to her is deleted, but her response, telling the poster to work on his/her/its English, remains. Another deleted post. daringdestiny thinks the casting is 'crazy'. imready points out that this book about a Japanese woman was written by a European man. jumpbackjack calls 'racism!' QueenMushroom takes exception to a misspelling. namieamurosBf841 can't spell and abuses the ! key. jude_w80 says 'chill, it's just a movie'... and that's only about a third of the thread. Much more wank remains for those who wish to keep scrolling down.

4:27pm: My fandom has stamina!
Yes, more Fullmetal Alchemist wank. First time I get here first I think. (Reminder: this stuff only happens on fm_a, promise.)

( If you haven't seen up to episode 25/read chapter 16, keep away because spoilers are around these links. )

6:44pm: Web-comic Bitch-slap Fun-Fest
This one is so mind-boggling I'm amazed it hasn't shown up here all ready.

So. Rodney "Largo" Caston, formerly the writer and co-creator of the popular webcomic Megatokyo announces he will soon be a daddy, and is offered congratulations by Scott Kurtz, the guy who draws "PVP Online". These congratulations apparently contained the lovely phrase "Luckily,this is one of Rodney's creations that Fred can't steal out from under him." Because apparently Kurtz was under the impression MT was strong-armed away from Caston by Fred "Piro" Gallagher, the artist, and other co-creator of MT.
I can't find where Kurtz originally made this crack, but "Piro" mentions it here (scroll down to read his blog). In the same entry Piro offers his own version of the events that led up to him having full ownership and control of MT.
This obviously causes a big shit storm, Kurtz makes a pretense of an apology,(scroll down a bit to the entry about "anime cat girls") blaming his "half-German half-Italian heritage", and the fact that he was picked on because he was a fat kid, for his rude comment, before finally falling back on the classic "I WAS ONLY KIDDING!!" excuse.
But the biggest (public) shit storm I found was on "Largo's" blog, where Largo explained HIS side of his creative split with Piro, which, despite being amazingly similar to Piro's version of things, STILL has people... a LOT of people... insisting Piro "stole" MT away from Largo. Actually they pretty much accuse Piro of just about anything you can think of, from causing the crash-and-burn of IC Studios (MT's first publisher) to having an affair at Otakon. Be sure to wear your Hazmat suits, kids, because thed shit's being flung all over the damn place on this one. Amazing how vicious and nasty these webcomics fans can get.
There is probably a lot more nastiness going on, but frankly after reading the comments on Largo's blog I think I want to just forget the internet ever existed.

11:44pm: Completely Jynxed
Over on TPM, a semi-popular Pokémon board, an obvious troll posts about how the FCC should be killed for banning Jynx.

If you weren't aware, Jynx is a creature with wigglin' hips, kissin' lips, and long blonde hair. And formerly black skin, which was changed to purple in later games. See, Jynx was accused of being racist and thus was semi-banned from the cartoon show.

The debate goes on for some time. Is Jynx racist? Is she a ganguro? Is she a Nordic ice princess?

Terms like "People of Recent African Ancestry" are bandied about, one person calls *all* black people "African American"...

By this point, even the OP pops up to say that the thread should be closed!

But that doesn't stop Animelee from denying the term 'race', or Dogasu from UNLEASHING THE MEGACAPS OF DOOM *AND* comparing people who have no problem with Jynx to people who have no problem with slurs.