Mock. Mockmockmock. Mockity-mock-mock

9:57am: Yet another HP house wank
A mouse reported this wank a couple days ago.

ataniell93 is a Slytherin fan. This irks reader_zero (whom I know we have seen before) enough to "stand up to" [Read: Tell Off] atanielle93 in her journal. reader_zero is subsequently banninated.

I like this wank enough to report it because both sides are pretty wanky (although RZ totally started it). ataniell93 gives her side of it here and here, while reader_zero rebuts here and here.

( the best bits, both pretty tl;dr-ish )

nights_mistress summed it up nicely when the wank was originally reported:

Dear fandom,

The houses aren't real. Associate with them all you like. I'll still laugh at you.

Love
Nights Mistress.

12:00pm: Who got da wank? HP got da wank!
Let's hear it for Harry Potter wank, folks! Without it, I wouldn't have something to post my very first message with.

We begin with jetiswatcher. Jetiswatcher is bitter about not getting his/her comments or posts commented on by Jetis, even though she used to be a good person until "fandom rotted her soul."

I'm serious.

Jetis is apparantly considered one of those dread three-letter evil-doers, a BNF. Moderating one of those invite-only kink communities will make a person might popular, you know. And Jetiswatcher wants the world to know that Jetis is a bad friend. Oh, and that she never comments. To accomplish this, Jetiswatcher friended as many of the HP BNFs as she (I'm assuming gender, since even the most hormonal men I've met haven't been this bad) could, and then posted about teh ebil Jetis.

Opiumcoffeebean tried to be sane and rational. Not that it did any good, as the wank just exploded from there, with name-dropping, mice, and all sorts of venom being spat about the place, now centered around coffeebean. At least Opiumcoffeebean takes it with a sense of humor. Which turns into a butt-kissing fest, but I digress. Besides, a sock-puppet mouse points it out.

And my favorite thread would have to be this one with the graphical representations of Jetiswatcher.

::inhales deeply:: I love a good wank at lunch!

3:17pm: Tales of Wank
A friend pointed me toward this one, and it's too good to pass up.

There is a Nintendo game called Tales of Symphonia. Tales of Symphonia has a small, yet active fandom, and as we all know, with fandom, comes wank. And with LJ RPGs comes even more wank.

On one of the many ToS RPGs on Livejournal, the person playing the character of Regal Bryant is apparently not up to scratch. So when Regal-mun posts a poorly characterized chat-log on the main RPG community, it draws the fire of a lurking mouse:

I've been lurking on this RPG for a while and I really enjoy reading everything but your posts. This is due mainly to the fact that your characterization sucks furry, sweaty buffalo nads. You may think I exaggerate, but I assure you, I do not. In the world of RPG, there are various levels of characterization: "In character", "slightly OOC", "really OOC", and "oh my God call the f***ing cops because someone just committed canon rape." I would give you one guess as to which category you fall into, but since you lack the mental capacity to post anything other than random drivel, I shall assume that you also lack the mental capacity to understand the point of this post. I will therefore spell it out for you. A small legion of drunken leprechauns dancing the Irish jig atop a non-ASCII standard keyboard could likely produce a more coherent post, and your concept of characterization is shameful on a good day. You don't just rape canon. You bend it over, sodomize it until it bleeds, then blow your load all over its chest.

Whoo boy! Next up comes the moderator, who is not amused. The mod, however, is ignored by the troll, who decides to go after Regal-mun's response instead. The other players jump in, and a 32-post wank ensues, including such gems as Okay, WTF. That is so lame, MARTHA STEWART IS MY HERO, I don't get it, and Sorry. Grammar Nazi gets gassed. It finally concludes when Regal-mun announces that she's leaving the RPG.

So everything's fine now, right? WRONG. Regal-mun goes to her character journal and posts yet another I'm leaving! message. A few players are sad to see her go, but then our beloved mouse returns, and offers three simple words of encouragement: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

Cue Splooge Fest Part Deux, and it goes for 94 posts this time, with wank from the troll, the mod, and various players posting under their character names. A few highlights include: You should thank me for chasing off your crappy players; You're an RPG terrorist! (To which the troll responds: Sweetie, get a grip. I'm trolling an RPG, not bombing the World Trade Center.); and "Nobody has the power to make you a post whore without your consent."

After arguing with the troll for a while, and possibly noticing that the troll has seemingly managed to win over a few of the RPers, the mod finally tries to calm things down. The troll bids the moderator a polite farewell, and thus ends the Tales of Wank.

Or at least until the sequel comes out.

7:30pm: Help, help, he's being opressed!  Witness the violence inherent in the music business!
I didn't write this (as I am not nearly brilliant enough), I'm just posting it. Ooh, stealthy!

(Much love to l_s_q for the subject title.  Spelling intentional.  You'll see why below.)

Fans of the UK music scene are no doubt aware of the new outfit fronted by ex-Libertine Pete Doherty called Babyshambles.  After what can only be described as a tabloid shitstorm (and that's as understated as I can get with that) involving supermodels, drugs, arrests, band members quitting, and rehab, the band has been back to gigging, and when a recent gig in Stoke ended in disaster (yet again), lots of fans decided to pack it in and call it a day.

Quite a few say Babyshambles' manager, James Mullord, is to blame for letting things escalate the way they have.  And have let him know through email and mobile calls.  Which he's responded to in ( hostile ) and ( very badly spelled ) extremely unprofessional diatribes, calling the fans "OPRESSIVE NEGATIVE PEOPLE".  Yes, in all caps.

For background, the alleged incident involving the drummer was reported on popular gossip list Popbitch, suggesting drummer Gemma Clarke's departure was due to a violent incident with Mr Mullord.

( Popbitch item in full )

And the post mentioned by the poster named Tia that occurred after a no-show and riot at London's Astoria, in which she claims Mr Mullord behaved unprofessionally, is here.

For the record, I can't speak for whether or not James Mullord is professional enough to manage a band, but judging from the emails and public opinion, most would say no.  I can however say he gets the wank on like a true pro.  And could probably benefit from a course or two in public relations.

8:28pm: I OWN YOU WITH EASY
(Spank me if this isn't F_W-worthy, but I think I've seen game-wanks in here before...)

On the fair World of Warcraft server Tichondrius, we lay our scene.

( If all your enemies were jumping off a cliff, would you do it too? )

( we were testing our parashoots )

( I own you with easy )

From there, it begins to E - X - P - L - O - D - E.

For a few pages, Thados defends himself wanks with fierceness, if not coherency--while begging in private messages for the removal of the screenshots.

People begin to wander in from other WOW servers, and then other MMORPGs, adding their voices to the disturbingly one-sided, but still strangely compelling, beat-down pwnzing of Thados.

In another thread, Thados' guild leader Messykins posts in his defense. The sobriety of Canadians as a whole is impugned.

( he often liked to use hallucinogens to make the game funner )

( As the last page of this chapter closes we venture into the future. )