Mock. Mockmockmock. Mockity-mock-mock

9:39am: Something Wanky This Way Comes - "I have the right to not be offended!"
More Potter splooge? Oh yes it is.

Over on MetaQuotes, someone addresses a fandom rumor that JKR is refusing to write Book 7 because the publishers are are all a bunch of rabid Harry/Hemione shippers who are trying to force her into writing their OTP. OR ELSE!!1!11 tzikeh has earned a place on MetaQuotes by scoffing rather loudly.

Where do you deranged practitioners of fucktardery GET this shit? You're why the world outside of fandom thinks we should all get lives or get locked up. If you couldn't see Ron/Hermione coming from ten thousand miles back, if you *seriously* thought that this was all heading toward Harry and Hermione getting together, you need to go BACK TO GRADE SCHOOL and learn how to read books. Not *words* - BOOKS. And while you're at it take your computer back to the store because you are too stupid to own one. Come back when you've proven that "foreshadowing" means more to you than applying blusher above the brow line.

A fair and amusing reaction to such an absurd rumor, yes? Er...not according to windtear. Because apparently, posts such as this should require an "opinion warning" in addition to a spoiler and language warning, because she has the right to be warned not to read something that insults her. She therefore chooses to exercise this right by voluntarily reading a community dedicated to posting and sharing sharp-witted and oftentimes scathing remarks.

Much "bitch, please!" and counter-wank ensues. Best insight so far, brought to us by avallonia:

H/Hr shippers -- the other oppressed minority!

No major HBP spoilers so far, but that might change.

10:03am: Kuro5hin Wank of "Fuck Natalee Holloway"
Kuro5hin is an online "newspaper" that runs more like a blog. It has a rather significant following in the techie industry.

Anyway, one of the regulars posts an article called Fuck Natalee Holloway

The nutjobs come out en masse for this one, folks. The wank comes from camps cheering "get her bitch ass mother off TV" or "I'm a mother and you all are terrible people!"

The author of the offending article (which, incidently is now #1 on the google search for 'Natalee Holloway' no quotes) follows up with a second story in which he details the hate mail that has been flowing into his box.

And more wank ensues.

EDIT:
Yes, I realize that Natalee is/was a real person, but at this point she is a B-list celebrity, even in absence.

12:50pm: MLS Wank
As at many venues where soccer/football/calcio/that game where 22 people kick around a ball for ninety minutes is played, Gillette Stadium, home to the New England Revolution, has a section cordoned off for the rowdy fans. Crowd interaction is a much bigger deal in soccer than it traditionally is in most US professional sports, and there's always been some grumbling between the crowds who want to sit quietly in the midfield to watch the game and the crowds who want to stand and make noise the whole time. At least once or twice a year, someone on the main Revs fan forum decides this horse just hasn't been beaten enough, and starts a whole new thread to wank about it. I should point out we're not talking European or South American style ultras/hooliganism here--this is mostly just about yelling stupid shit at the opposing GK to rattle him and amuse your buddies.

Here's this season's entrant, featuring:

• The initial poster missing the point immediately
  
• Debate about whether "you suck" is vulgar
  
• Multiple "WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN" scattered throughout the thread
  
• The above, only written in incoherent free-verse
  
• The above, in incoherent free-verse, spammed into another thread
  
• Reports that the Chicago Fire fans, who are usually much crueler and louder than us, are having the same wank
  
• Nobody picking up a deliberate attempt to derail
  
• Political spillover into another thread
  

Me? I figure every complaint about vulgarity from the fan section--and I'm usually front row center in it--is one more time I'll yell "I FUCKED YOUR WIFE" at the opposing GK.

(I'd say this is about as far from Harry Potter as it gets, but we do HP-related taunts when the Kansas City Wizards come through town. Don't ask about the thread in June that went all sorting hat)

2:14pm: HPB Wank, the Collectors' Edition
Friends, are you tired of digging through comment threads to find links to the gnashing and wailing of despairing shippers?

Dig no more!

holy god, HP fandom is fucking insane!

Innermurk's HBP reaction

Homophobia made her do it!

The obligatory Dido reference (Yes, yes, dear, go down with your ship -- make sure to use a weighted lifejacket.)

Apparently I Was Wrong

OMG BLAISE IS BLACK!

Dear Mrs. Rowling: YOU SUCK!

WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE NOT HYSTERICAL!

Atanielle's triple threat . (Now with religious sneering!)

ZOMG I had to wait an extra minute for my book!

The Funeral of OBHWF

Someone on remusxsirius needs a serious reality-check.

Half-Blood Prince -- A Run Down

WE ARE FINALLY CANON! (A nice change of pace.)

HBP_WTF. 'Nuff said. Now with icons!</i>

Tonks is just (bleeping bleep) of a beard

Someone's complaining about spoilers STILL?

The letter-writing campaign begins! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

A Picture Message for JKR For some reason, I'm reminded of Brenda Starr.

Homophobia Made Her Do It! Volume II

Even the political communities are getting in on it

Spoilers make you a bad RPGer!

Fictionalley Park's shipping thread joins the party

Mock, and wtf_inc mocks with you! (Not wanky, but funny!)

Whiny fangirls prove they are twelve years old at heart

More protest art The last is soooo classy.

Are you sure you want a fandom, CC?

I don't think they put faces on milk cartons in the UK, liebchen...

Kenboy provides a sense of perspective Too bad he can't bottle it; it's desperately needed.

I have the right to be offended because I can't comprehend the original post! Metaquotes + huffy H/Hr shipper = wank!

Gordon Lightfoot Kills Harry Potter A filking tribute to the 'shipping wars. It came from MP3!

The Weasley Twins: Threat or Menace?

But it's different (really!) when you're making fun of MY ship!

She did it on PURPOSE! JKR supposedly targets H/Hr shippers and the SugarQuill archive.

More whiny protest art. (Locked. So much for never surrendering!)

OMG! JKR'S SO MEEAN!

The wank turns meta!

Another call for perspective Again, if madlorivoldemort could bottle this, she'd be debt-free in hours.

Wow. Someone's got entitlement issues.

And someone else didn't listen to JKR's thoughts on Snape, either.

Witherwings. Because we love proving Emerson right.

Suggestion: visit the library more often.

Reality check, Aisle Nine! (And bring a mop) </ href>

Projection, much?

Some people have a problem with reading comprehension...still.

Sigh. Kids, if you're trying to prove you're sane, "canonrape" isn't the way to do it, 'kay?"

Grow the hell up, gang! Because people are still being stupid.

Everytime you post with a H/G icon, the terrorists win! See what I mean?


Would anyone blame her? Not wanky, but funny.

Ginny bad, Draco good!

Looking for R/S wank? We got yer R/S wank right here! (Friendslocked. I guess they want to go down with their ship the way the Puppies would have wanted, with a little dignity. Or something.

ETA: Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the fandom....

The Mugglenet Wall of Shame, 'shippers edition

11:35pm: Does everybody remember the wank about the fan-made Sonic the Hedgehog character who was used in smutfic by some deranged guy who believes he can talk to the character on some astral plane? Probably not.

So here's a reminder.

Anyway, now his forum about the astral plane and ki is featured at Something Awful.

I know it's not really wank, but I figured it might be fun from a 'point and laugh' point of view.