The great circle of wank...
Fiction Alley Park, a popular Harry Potter message board, has been home to many a bizarre and silly wank. Here's one that's been brewing in the Britpicking forum.

Fringey decides that since there's already been a thread dedicated to how Brits see the US, we simply must devote a thread to exploring how other nations view Canada. "I was just wondering what Americans and Brits alike find different, or similar, in Canada, as opposed to England or the States." Hey, if Americans can go OT, Canadians can too!

Fringey: "Did you Brits already know that Canada still has a Monarch as the Head of State? Queen of England, in fact!"

No, really? I'll just bet that no English child has ever had lessons about the Commonwealth. Ever.

"Thanks for all the response! It's great to see what our 'closest' neighbors think of us. Canada.... the forgotten country Even if it is first or second largest country in the world .. yup!"

First. Second. Whatever. It's big, right? Totally worth bragging about, whatever number it is!

"Some people *actually* think that the States is bigger than Canada, which is crazy!"

Jerky Thief weighs in: "I love bein' Canadian.
Free Medicare, ya know? Like when I'm in my trailer and I hear a racoon rattling around in my garbage cans outside, and I go out with my shotgun but trip on the stairs and accidentally shoot myself in the foot or something. It's totally covered.

And then there's the crazy currency. Those toonies (the two-dollar coins) well, you can roll over em with your truck and the gold center pops right out!
Yessiree, we Canadians got it good."

Fringey again: "We just get confused with all those terms - the UK, Britain, England.... However, since joining FA I've definitely learned the difference. Actually, what is the difference between the UK and Britain?"

Cookiecrunch: "The one thing that makes me inordinately proud when I read this thread is not that you think we are polite, that is simply a well trained passive aggressive approach to the world that many of us posses, but the fact that you, or at least Carina_Isla, recognize that which I belive to be the major difference between ourselves and Americans; trust."

Nykohl: "I have yet to meet someone who says that they've met a mean Canadian."

"I know that the plural of moose is moose, and the plural of goose is geese."

OMG! Only Canadians can spell!

Fringey: "I think French-Canadian accents are stupid. And, as a generality (no personal opinion on the French-Canadian people) we can't stand how the French-Canadians (my goodness, long words! Maybe I'll just say Quebecois) try to push the French language onto the rest of Canada. Everything, EVERYTHING is bilingual, even though most students don't like learning French and can lean more Spanish in a year than French in six years. From what my friends in Spanish tell me, anyways."

Darn those pesky Quebecois. If it weren't for them, we'd have a Utopia on our hands!

Donna writes: "We don't understand why people get upset when we call Bush a moron, or John Ashcroft the devil."

In Canada, moron means genius, devil means angel and up means down. Why don't people get this? *boggles*

Princess Brat: "Kid Rock said on the MMVA's that he would gladly go on drinking Canadian beer."

Punkster: "Canadians seem to love the UK, I don't know why, I'm one of them but we prefer Britain to America anyday. We have the same 'head of state', we use the same English and we all appreciate Monty Python."

"In fact, we also love Kids In The Hall (precurser for SNL), Degrassi High (the blueprint for 90210) and most definitely, we *love* Rick Mercer. He torments Americans for our pleasure and what's best, it's on the CBC so everyone can enjoy it."

Oh the shame. *hangs head*

One of Grace: "You should read the Canadian History textbook: an entire chapter is devoted to Canadian Identity, and every single event is linked to the way it pulls Canada from Britain and towards America, thus poisoning their identity."

Er... which particular history text is this? Oh wait, I forgot! It's such a small country, we really only need the one.

And then, on the fourth page, we get to the best part.

Narcissa Malfoy dares to find fault with the circle jerk: "One thing that the rest of the world doesn't know about Canada. (But unfortunately is finding out via the internet etc.) Canadians are *the* most arrogant, self-absorbed, vindictive, self-righteous people in the world."

Donna: "Canadians are a polite to a fault." BUT "Stereotyping an entire nation, especially one with such violent regional tensions as Canada (also one that has people who are so entirely unsure of what it means to be Canadian that they jump all over anyone who makes the slightest detriment to their nationality) is a stupid thing to do."

NM: "I wonder. What other nationality has a thread in FA devoted to singing their own praises? This thread may have started out with good intentions, but like every self-discussion I've ever seen by Canadians it has turned into a smug, self-congratulatory, obnoxious round of "We are the best." The only thing that excuses this is that I know that it's produced by a terrible lack of self-worth and a desperate need for affirmation."

Considering the participants, I have hopes this tiff will drag on for some time.