Not Wanky yet, but you can just smell it coming. Might as well start the mocking now
I'm fairly sure that this is meant as tounge firmly in cheek. I could be wrong.

World of wizards too much for some mere muggles

May 30, 2004

BY PAIGE WISER SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

THIS WEEK'S ARGUMENT: That Harry Potter is not suitable for children.

I know that young audiences are being charmed by screenings of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." The tots are entertained, adolescence never looked so appealing, good has temporarily triumphed over evil and all that.

But parents, about these books: Do you really know what your kids are reading?

Inspired by the release of "Azkaban," I've finally gotten through the five books in the series, and I must say I'm appalled.

It's not a question of the occult. I have no problem with the occult. Believe me, if I truly thought that witchcraft would help me smite my enemies, I'd be slaving over a hot cauldron right now.

No, the problem with these books is that they're -- how to say this? -- they're hard.

As I understand it, they were written for children. I picked up the first book because I'd heard it had some crackerjack storytelling. To be honest, my level of reading comprehension these days is closer to that of a sixth-grader's, anyway. I read to relax now that television shows such as "The West Wing" and "24" mentally exhaust me to the point of tears.

But I've just finished the gargantuan Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and you know what?

It's over my head.

Author J.K. Rowling eases you into the series, but soon enough you have a Harry headache trying to remember who's a reformed Death Eater, who's Muggle-born, and exactly what the magical limitations of Squibs are.

And that's not the worst of it. Let's say there are kids out there a little sharper than me. Let's say they don't find the books difficult; they follow the Quidditch play-by-plays with no problem. They can recite wizard genealogy back six generations, and still have room in their brains for a mental map of the Hogwarts grounds.

What, do you suppose, they're making of the rather adultish themes in these books? The Harry Potter books contain the following:


Vast conspiracies
Corrupt government
Sensationalistic, untrustworthy media
Butterbeer, which sounds as if it's both alcoholic and extremely fattening
Enormous snakes
Gambling addiction
Routine physical torture during school detention
Prison guards who can suck souls out of mouths
Dead teenagers
Miscellaneous evildoers


"Don't forget the self-flagellation of the house elves," a colleague reminds me.

I mean, why don't we just let these kids read the newspaper?

I know that Rowling means well. And I think it's great that kids are newly excited about reading. But by book five, Harry Potter gets pretty heavy.

It's not like I'm some naive rube. I grew up reading the Trixie Belden mystery series; believe me, Trixie and the gang taught me quite a bit about clues, corruption and crime.

Some might call me "street smart."

But it's one thing to write a series that doesn't talk down to kids, and it's another to reveal to them, without warning, that mermaids are unattractive. What child can take that kind of disillusionment? Why not just tell them the truth about Santa Claus? I mean, you know, that he's blocking reindeer efforts to unionize.

I can't tell you what to do. Go ahead, expose your children to the wizarding world, even if it means nightmares, awkward questions and English accents.

Me? I'm switching to The Baby-Sitters Club.