gaisce
2004-06-19 08:12 am UTC (link)

"I must say that, at first, i was a bit puzzled when i purchased this board as i was told by the webpage that 'people who bought this item also purchased > KY Jelly tube, 500ml'. That seemed like a lot of KY. But i obliged, because if so may other people did this then... they must be right.

Well, now i get it! I must say that this board deserves all the raving praise in the world. The height it creates on top of my kitchen counter is PERFECT! You see, my counter was just a wee bit too short, and the table is always too full of stuff for impromptu spontaneity... but now that we can just grab the Henckels and put it in place on the counter... my boyfriend and i spend countless hours of joy in the kitchen! It's our new favourite place!"

There's got to be a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy smut story that follows these exact lines...

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sporked
2004-06-19 08:21 am UTC (link)

Heh. I particularly enjoyed this tale of woe:

Just like I'm sure the rest of you do, I absolutely love having a scented candle burning on my chest while I watch TV. I have chronic body odor and this helps keep the smell away. But my problem is that the melted wax always seems to drown the fire only halfway into my marathon 14 hour TV sessions. I saw this product and knew it would be perfect for me! I took the candle and duct taped it sideways to the board so that the melted wax would drain out the amazing juice channels and duct taped the cutting board to my chest so it didn't fall off. Unfortunately, someone failed to mention that this was board was made of birch wood, and not birch fiberglass so within 3 hours of my TV session, the board had lit on fire! I tried pushing it off, but I had it duct taped on pretty tight. I got up and ran around with this burning hunk of wood on my chest while I am franticaly trying to rip the duct tape off of me. So I ended up with second and third degree burns on my chest, neck, and face, tore off some skin from my sides and back because of the duct tape, and broke my foot since I couldn't see the ground and ended up kicking a table leg. But the juice channels worked incredibly and the price has been slashed to $9.99 so I give it 4 stars!

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	ilpalazzo 2004-06-19 08:29 am UTC (link)
	I cannot tell you how many SWEET JESUS YOU ROCK points you get for tracking this specimen down. It's completely unique! it is rare and fine! And it involves...heh....big knives....yes. Ahem. Good show! (Reply to this)(Thread)

	sporked 2004-06-19 08:39 am UTC (link)
	Well, I didn't trek through the Amazon.com wilds for it, just snagged it off my friends list. I'm glad it amuses you! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	tianxiaode 2004-06-19 09:45 am UTC (link)
	Hah! In the best possible way, too! Okay. Time for a round robin of cutting board ...errr....slash. The birch groaned and warped under the insistent pressure of the chef's knife. The slow rocking of the blade against the fine grained surface of the board was exquistly decadent. tag who's next? (Reply to this)(Thread)

	ilpalazzo 2004-06-19 11:10 am UTC (link)
	The knife had suspected all along that the onion might someday come between it and its first love, the birch board, but it had not expected this. It slid rhythmically through the onion's wet flesh, pressing it against the board's firmness as the onion's slick juices wetted them both. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	kijikun 2004-06-20 12:28 am UTC (link)
	That's strangely erotic. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	garlicbug 2004-06-20 04:22 pm UTC (link)
	... phwoar? (Reply to this)(Parent)

toxictattoo
2004-06-19 05:21 pm UTC (link)

Dear....GOD...

What is the world coming to? Knitting wank, now cutting board wank?

When I first started using this cutting board I didn't realise that there was anything unusual about it. But after using it for a while I find myself unable to cook any meat that I cut on it, I feel compelled to eat it raw.

Since using the cutting board and eating raw meat I have noticed excessive hair growth, and feel an urge to howl at the moon.

[snickers]

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nakannimi
2004-06-19 06:15 pm UTC (link)

Hee hee! Even the Nazis are invoked in this wank.

J. A. Henckels, Sr., was a known Nazi sympathizer and war profiteer who provided the German war machine with sturdy, servicable cutlery at a reasonable price. His utensils shoveled bratwurst down the gullets of troops, fueling their march into Poland and France. As his wartime slogans remind us: "An army may march on its stomach, but it cuts its sausage with Henckels knives."

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	oysteria 2004-06-19 07:57 pm UTC (link)
	I don't know is this is wank, but is sure is some funny shit. They seem to be having a lot of fun... (Reply to this)(Thread)

	allen 2004-06-19 09:28 pm UTC (link)
	Well, there is one person whining about how her reviews never get selected for the spotlight. That was amusingly wanky. But the rest of it was just freakin' hilarious. (Reply to this)(Parent)

mariagoner
2004-06-20 02:58 am UTC (link)

Astoria is full of good, honest, hard-working people, not like Brooklyn with its nogoodniks, its wig-burning crazies, and its Starbucks full of shiftless, lazy artist hipsters. (Once, I drove through Greenpoint and I tell you, I could not lock my doors fast enough!) We may not have MFA degrees, but does that mean we don't deserve sturdy and reliable, albeit juice-grooveless, birch cutting boards for nine dollars and ninety-nine cents?

Oh God-- a neighborhood shout-out. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry!

(Well, I do live in Astoria, the expensive Nose Hair of New York. Probably the latter.)

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	ladybirdsleeps 2004-06-20 10:23 am UTC (link)
	Who is that in your icon? She's creepy. (In a good way.) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	mariagoner 2004-06-20 05:45 pm UTC (link)
	I honestly don't know myself. She's just a random fashion model who resembles a flesh-colored Wicked Queen of the West. I think she's groovy meself. One day, I'm really going to need to track her down. (Reply to this)(Parent)

pfeffermuse
2004-06-20 05:49 am UTC (link)

Maybe it's different in Dutch Kills or closer to LIC. Ditmars and 31st has been slowly becoming the poor man's Brooklyn Heights for the last few years.

Starbucks is slowly pushing out Twin Donut (which if you don't mind tripping over Nick the cab driver and the rest of the OTB crowd, has the second best coffee in the neighbourhood, after Astoria Bagel Shop). Europa Deli bit the dust after Mario's expanded (I'm sorry Sal is gone, he had some of the best fresh mozarella and eggplant parmagiana in the area). Ditmars Pharmacy moved to Sal's store (which will hopefully keep them in business against the CVS and two Eckards). Camera Corner turned into like the 20th nail salon in a six block radius. Day spas are springing up all over the place. There's a bistro, latte shoppe, and glacé vendor nearly every third store...and you can't even park in Key Food's parking lot anymore.

If La Guli, Rose & Joe's, Zygos Taverna and King Penny weren't still around, I'd be really depressed about now.

Pepper

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	mariagoner 2004-06-20 05:46 pm UTC (link)
	Ugh, please don't talk about King Penny. I got my ass fired from that place a while back. And yes, Astoria is getting itself gentrified like crazy, especially around the N-train-station areas. But it's pretty good for me and my fam, since property values are rising, and so our little four bedroom house is starting to soar in value. :D (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

pfeffermuse
2004-06-21 04:45 am UTC (link)

I'm sorry to hear about you getting fired from King Penny. I haven't been in it in quite some time, but I had always found it great for finding those little odds and ends.

Gentrification does bring up the property values, but I'm just sorry that the little neighbourhood businesses are getting pushed out to make way for this area to become the new Upper West Side.

And I'll keep fighting the good fight to keep that bloody Air Train from extending to LaGuardia. ;-)

Pepper

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