"Dear Ms. Rice,

I am an intellectual giant and I've enjoyed your books. Indeed, when my wife gets off her job slinging hash at the truckstop and returns to our humble abode at Shady Acres Trailer Park, she often joins me in a marathon reading of all of your books. I have just read your review and would like to say that you are quite justified in lashing out at those critics who are attempting to denigrate and trivialize your dream of writing about hot -- or, rather, room-temperature -- sex between angst-ridden and voluble dead people.

I am, however, worried about the possibility that I'm projecting my own limitations on your books. You see, my heart is three sizes too small, and thus I can be very cruel. Which leads me to believe that I might be projecting that on your vampires. I recall one of them liked tormenting people, and I wonder if, in actuality, he went around giving sweet, sweet candy to children rather than biting them. Furthermore, penis is likewise three sizes too small, and I'm afraid that the hot man/corpse sex might suffer if I start projecting that as well.

I can assure you that at least one of your fans has actually read your books. I particularly enjoyed 'Salem's Lot and Return to 'Salem's Lot, though I'm worried that little blonde girl will slay all my favorite vampires. Please don't let that happen -- I cried for a week when you killed off Jack Nickolson at the end of Batman. Or was it The Shining? I can't remember. Just goes to show how much I love all your stuff, ha ha ha!

So you tell those meanies off! You go, sister! Suggesting that you're too talented to write such trash is very insulting to you and your power over the editors. I believe you're perfectly capable of writing the worst dreck possible, so don't let those negative nellies telly you otherwise. Because you are democratic and proletariat, you speak for the common man (and woman, my wife just told me to say -- she can't help write this because she's watching the weather channel cause there were tornados sighted nearby) and they don't get much more common than your most ardent fans. Even though I'm an intellectual giant, I'm still in touch with the proletariat myself, so I understand you perfectly. Anyway, you're quite right, your series of book are unique, if not unrivalled. As you said, you alone are capable of writing such dreck, and those naysayers who claim your editors helped are just frustrated Oliver Twist types begging 'Please, sir...I want some more.' Your editors are clearly amateurs, and could never have done what you did.

Does Lestat really talk like you do? My friend and I were having an argument about this and he says that Lestat can't talk like you do cause he's a centuries-old male vampire from France, while you're not. And I told him he was an totally wrong cause you're a centuries-old male vampire from France too. Thanks for backing me up, and he's gonna be so sorry he ever disagreed with me next time I see him and show him your review.

In final analysis, those assumptions that cruel monster makes really are slanderous, and I'm very glad you're above responding to him or her. You're a better person for maintaining your silence.

Sincerely,

Evul D. Grinch"