The Matrix fandom, it wanks kung-fu style
My very first wank, from a fandom that wanks beautifully, but seems to fly under the radar most of the time.

I'm not in the fandom, but I used to be, and it's really a shame that it isn't featured on here more often. There are site wars, and religious posturing, "I am prettier/smarter/better-hung than you because I have read Wittgenstein" and other such inanity.

This wank is tricksy; the site where it takes place is The Matrix Community (TMC), but the wank sprawls across their forum, their wiki, and even LJ. It's a sampler, I suppose, of just how wanky the Matrix fandom can be.


A bit of backstory -- this isn't i_wank material as I have not participated in anything behind the second cut, but my name comes up repeatedly. This is because I was a TMC admin from 2000 to late last year. I grew bored with the fandom and the wank, and left for HP (knowing full well that it was even more wanky, but at least we've got new source material coming, yo.). This was right after unholy Trinity, the woman who provided the space for the site, left in a glorious explosion of splooge (it's 2 months old and a very long read, I'm only linking because I can't mention splooge and not show it, can I? :P)

pulse control had been wanking even before I left, helped along by Intrinsic and Christ. In that thread (which featured the following immortal words that ought to be on an icon somewhere: "And you're under arrest, you son of a bitch." -- uttered in all seriousness. I shit you not.) I have in the past expressed trepidation of the day f_w discovered TMC. I am such a hypocrite omg. *snerk*. Well, pulse control apparently got really upset by our leaving. He decided that the community was lost without us, or some shit like that, and proceeded to share portents of doom with everyone. Things went... downhill from there.



One day, ZEN starts a poll on whether or not members have faith in their moderators. Some people vote, other people call it pointless. It totally looks like ZEN started it for one reason. Kira Scurro was going on about the unnamed masses who wanted a revolution but were too scared to speak out because the moderators are OMG oppressive. When poll results start showing that the majority do indeed have faith, KS shows up and bitches how the poll is pointless and doesn't really prove anything at all, because really, everyone knew all along that it was the same four people who questioned the mods. Two pages of half-hearted wank follow, at the end of which KS concludes that ZEN has "no understanding of human psychology or emotion".

pulse control decides to work on the community's wiki and posts a thread about some work he's done on one page. Everything is hunky-dory and people are being civil until Isis shows up. She's a bit shirty and he takes offense. He posts something then edits it out, Igpajo (a mod) calls him on it and there's some wank, after which Igpajo gives up in frustration. ZEN and Isis show up and there is more wank. Choice quotes from Isis include "Seriously, you’re so full of shit, your teeth must look like Milk Duds." and "I think you’re a seriously disturbed individual and a steaming sack of moose shit." pulse control is actually quite civil in response, considering, but he seems to be developing a martyr complex. There's a page at the wiki for discussing ideas. pulse control shows up and tells people to stop cheerleading and start working. Isis indignantly replies that she is "not his wiki ho." pulse control actually sounds saner than Isis at this point (this is near the very bottom of the page).

Somewhere in the above poll, someone mentioned "gray areas" in the community guidelines. TauJB, helpful soul that he is, starts a thread to discuss what these gray areas are. Maritas thinks that it's just people looking for things to bitch about. Kira Scurro says that Maritas is bitchy on her LJ and therefore a hypocrite. Maritas takes offense and says that what she talks about in her friends-locked entries is none of anyone's concern. Sophia101 berates KS for invasion of privacy, and KS takes offense that Sophia is butting in. They bitch back and forth, and KS announces that people's private LJ entries are fair game because they're on the same Internet as TMC.

pulse control shows up, calls KS a fascist and rants about virtual Internet Clubs. People welcome him back. KS tries to take credit for the fact that I left the community. People point and laugh. pulse control tells KS to shut the fuck up then disappears for a spell. Relatively civil discussion follows, with KS just not getting her way, and calling one of the admins "small" as a result. Admin totally pwns by responding with "Oh, I'm 5' 10"." pulse control shows up again and says that he's having dreams about TMC.

He also tries to tell people (many of whom are my friends who know better) that he understands why I left better than them and there's some conspiracy shit behind it that involves Jesus, the corporate machine, and Kung Fu. People point and laugh, and he gets called a troll repeatedly. He ignores them and proposes that they start a forum for people to fight in. It is not well-received. There is some stroking and rubbing, and people propose an NC-17 rating for the thread. The word "recockulous" as used by pulse control makes everyone giggle and talk more about stroking, including things like "Resistance is futile! Your recockulous will be rubbed!".

pulse control (are you seeing a pattern yet?) starts a thread complaining about the definition of "troll". Some people poke the troll half-heartedly, others try to have intelligent debate with him. He tells everybody to follow the community guidelines, quoting them out of context where necessary. It turns out that he'd received his final warning from the mods, and he's trying to publicly dispute it. People poke him for it. Dude gets banned for repeatedly violating the community guidelines; there is a poll inviting people to vote on the length of his ban which provides a detailed account of everything he did to deserve it (that's how they do things over there; banning is very rare).

He starts an LJ wherein he whines that he loves TMC but they're such wankers sometimes, accuses one of the admins of trying to redefine Matrix canon, and discusses the legality of it all (using the word "shitweevil" alongside "plea bargain", which should merit some sort of award for the sheer WTF? factor). There will probably be more at the LJ.

Hope it was good for you. If not, fine, I'll show you my tits. :-P


Props to adora_spintriae -- we were having an LJ discussion in which the subject of Matrix wank came up, and that was what prompted me to chronicle this in the first place.