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mostlysober (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mostlysober) wrote in ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/community.gif){kind=small} fandom_wank,@ 2005-03-01 20:01:00 |
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The War, er, Wank of the Rings
It's a crying shame that I had to shorten this great piece of wank considerably, but if I hadn't done that we'd probably spend the next few weeks or so here. It's a looooong story, as it basically started back in October 2004. So here's Teh Gist.
This is in two parts; Part 1 is a "short" history of events leading up to the wankiness that was this past weekend, which you can read all about in Part 2.
PART 1
I suppose most of you know TORC, short for TheOneRing.Com (not to be confused with TheOneRing.Net, or "TORN") and now located on TolkienOnline.Com. It's a big messageboard for Tolkien fans and LotR geeks with over 40,000 registered members. TORC is a "family-friendly site", as they state in their Vision: Our vision for Tolkien Online is to be a welcoming and family-friendly place for fans of J. R. R. Tolkien. We encourage continuous renewal of discussions for the benefit of new members and readers. We have worked hard to create what we believe is a place that even Professor Tolkien himself may have been inclined to visit because of our high standards regarding civility and integrity in discussion, news reporting, and other materials inspired by Tolkien's works.
Note the part where it says, "a place that even Prof. Tolkien himself may have been inclined to visit".
At sometime during the second half of 2004, the two founders (Jon and Ted) who had also served as messageboard admins decided to semi-retire from active messageboard duty and promoted two former mods to serve as admins. Jon and Ted were rarely ever seen modding the boards. Yet as the two ex-mods-now-admins continued to mod heavily and as there no longer was a "higher authority" to appeal to when posters felt they were being treated unjustly, the atmosphere on TORC changed somewhat. It didn't help that one of the new admins' standard line when dealing with posters on the boards turned out to be, "Drop this or you and I are gonna have issues". Professor Tolkien, a fan of high standards regarding civility and integrity in discussion, would have felt right at home.
In October 2004, a group of 36 TORC posters, many of them long-standing members with no former warnings, drafted a petition and emailed it to the founders. They had kept it off the boards because "Board Disruption" is a violation of the Terms of Service of TORC and thus a bannable offense, and the petition was only to initiate an open discussion between members and staff anyways. They proposed two things: 1) that there be a proper appeal process when an admin acts as moderator, to ensure that there be "division of powers" and a higher authority, ideally not directly involved in everyday modding, to appeal to, 2) since "sexual innuendo" is a bannable offense that it be taken into account that posters with English as their second language may not always be aware of innuendo-y use of words.
The official reply to this petition, in short, was pretty much "Nope. STFU up and leave if you don't like it here", and I'm willing to bet my ass that Professor Tolkien would have said pretty much the same in that situation.
Then in December, one of the signers of the original petition was banned over a dispute with one of the admin.
The poster in question asked for clarification re: innuendo on the boards, as one of the admins had commented that "you seem to have a thing about size" in one of his posts. The reply:
A few posts later crispycreme stated, "Well guess what, you've just pissed your last lifeline."
From the already mentioned Terms of Service of TORC: "Flaming" or personal attacks are not permitted on Tolkien Online. Disagreement is not the same as attack. We are people of varied opinions, and will naturally disagree at times. A certain amount of "thick skin" is necessary in any internet forum. Do not take a strong statement of opinion as an attack. But attacks on another poster (as opposed to their argument) violate these Terms of Service. A poster who engages in such personal attacks may be banned from the forums. Personal attack may be defined as any behavior designed to make a poster feel unwelcome on the forum. This would include, for example, racial, ethnic, religious, and sexual slurs, or scorn directed at another poster, or attempts to drive another poster off the message board. Threads with the purpose of criticising or insulting another poster will be removed.
As the poster banned over this was well-known on TORC, shit ---> fan after that. Several posters, most of whom had never heard about the petition before, protested against what seemed like a member being banned for disagreeing with an admin on the boards. I guess they thought Professor Tolkien wouldn't have approved of that...? If you have a lot of time on your hands, start reading here.
To complicate things, the 36 original signers of the petition had started a little messageboard of their own way back in October when petition-related group emails became too numerous to handle and mailboxes gave out.
As many of the petition people had indeed left TORC after the officials' reply to the petition, their absence didn't go unnoticed on TORC and other TORC regulars wanted to keep in touch with them and were invited to join That Other Board.
The board, called Board77, now has more than 100 members.
Moving on to recent events: PART 2
Friday, February 25. In this thread on TORC, b77 comes up and a mod states:
But if you mean the other board mentioned in this thread then please feel free to bring it up, if that is, it's for discussion purposes with all opinions being expressed, what we would not approve of is using our boards to obtain members for a competitor board - to be honest you wouldn't expect to hand out flyers for one supermarket in another would you?
The discussion is moved to a new thread, and a poster replies: Soooo, people who post on b77 can't invite our friends over there to post with us? Especially if we no longer post on TORC but would like to keep in contact with people we love?
Next up: Shitstorm of D00m. Ted, one of the founders, posts in reply to that:
No, Not on my board you can't. Via email, yes, via AIM, via smoke signals, via fecal matter rubbed on the walls in your bathroom, sure (but you might need to talk to some nice men in white uniforms if that happens), but on my board, with my bandwidth, and with my resources. NO.
And why is this, becuase the sky is purple and the toads are licking my toes. I really don't need to have a reason other than I don't like it.
And Professor Tolkien wept. (Sorry, couldn't resist bolding the whole thang.)
A few posts later, the thread gets locked. Do yourselves a favor and read the last two posts (link) in that thread, again by Ted. A quote:
I desire a new Age here on TORC. An age of peace and discussion. An age not unlike the seond and third ages of TORC. And I will have it. This age will either be ushered in through the gates of peace with an understanding of the simple guidelines we have here or it will be ushered in through the gates of war. And it will be a war unlike we have had here at TORC.
Now we all know that Professor Tolkien wrote like, books on wars, so I guess we're on the safe side there.
A few hours later, 18 (so far) TORC posters get banned indefinitely, most of them obviously for mentioning b77 on TORC, and one for quoting Lao Tsu. That? Pretty much my favorite part so far.
Just to give you an idea what sort of posters were banned, here are three random threads started by members banned from TORC over the last weekend:
Tolkien's Moral Universe
M00bies read the Silmarillion
Of Tolkien's Sub-creation, Actual Reality, and Peter Jackson's Films
Wouldn't wanna have 'em on my board either.
Ted makes an Announcement, in full "WTF IT'S MY SITE AND I CAN DO WITH IT WHAT THE FUCK I WANT *RAGE*" mode: Behold, the parable of the vineyard owner and his son. Followed by an "Official response to all threads regarding the current issue".
Must go get more popcorn.
EDIT: And someone wrote a parody:
The Parable of the Feces on the Walls
SCENE: SOME IDYLLIC VINEYARD
VINEYARD OWNER: Hi. I'm your vineyard owner for tonight, and this is my vineyard. I will become important later on in the story.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: Hi. I'm the vineyard owner's son, and I'm a walking, talking metaphor. I too will become important later on in the story. And I predict that I will die a gruesome death and that my dying scene will be quite heart-wrenching and I know the Oscars are over but I'll still do my best for you, I promise.
VINEYARD OWNER: . . .
SCENE: TORC MESSAGEBOARD. A WEEKEND NIGHT.
TALK POSTERS: *post*
MANWE POSTERS: *socialize in socializing thread*
M00BIES POSTERS: *post in, um, theme month thread*
B77: *is being mentioned*
TPTB: *NOT AMUSED*
SCENE: MANWE THREAD ON TORC
TED: Knock it off.
ESTEL: Hm?
TED: Knock. It. Off.
ESTEL: Butbutbut! I'm not doing anything wrong, I just want to invite my friends to post with me on another messageboard if they want to, and--
TED: STFU, N00B!!
ESTEL: . . .
TED: FECES! ON WALLS! ON BATHROOM WALLS, NO LESS! I MEAN! SMEAR YOUR FECES ALL OVER YOUR WALLS IF YOU HAVE THE ITCH BUT KEEP IT OFF MY WALLS, MY MESSAGEBOARD, AND MY VINEYARD!!!1
MANWE POSTERS: Ooooh-kay?
VINEYARD OWNER: Um, dude? That comes later.
TED: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: *headdesk*
SCENE: TALK FORUM
ALYS: I love you, laureanna.
LAUREANNA: . . .
ALYS: Um! I mean, you know, glad to see you.
LAUREANNA: . . .
SILENCE: *is uncomfortable*
ALYS: Um. Hey? Wanna talk about the weather?
LAUREANNA: The um, Shitstorm on TORC?
B77ERS: *snerk*
LAUREANNA: Yeah. Actually, I'd rather not in this thread.
ALYS: . . .
SCENE: TORC'S CATACOMBS OF ARBITRARINESS
TED: Let's hunt some orc.
JONATHAN: *?*
TED: Er. I mean, let's ban some ass.
JONATHAN: Yeah.
TED: Yeah.
JONATHAN: Totally.
TED: Yeah.
JONATHAN: I smell B77er flesh.
IE: Um, guys? Clichéd, kinda.
VINEYARD OWNER: You'll notice that I haven't really been in this story much so far, but I'll become really important later on, so...
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: And watch for my death scene. It'll be worth it, I promise.
TED: . . .
SCENE: TORC
LAUREANNA: *gets banned*
TED: *does not send an explaining email*
LAUREANNA: Ooooh-kay?
TORC POSTERS: *bitchcomplainWTF?!*
VINEYARD OWNER: Any minute now, I believe.
TORC POSTERS: Okay, so what's happening?
TORC POSTERS WHO ARE ALSO B77 POSTERS: This isn't really the time to say that we saw this coming, but we saw this coming.
POSTERS IN MANWE SOCIALIZING THREAD: So, what on earth is happening?
M00BIES POSTERS: Not to be redundant, but what the eff is happening?
FECES: *are so totally on bathroom walls*
TORC POSTERS: No, seriously. WHAT THE BLEEP IS HAPPENING?
FECES: *like, all over*
SOME B77ERS: OMG LET'S OPEN OUR BOARD OMG.
OTHER B77ERS: Er. No?
YET OTHER B77ERS: Let's start a poll on that, just in case!
VINEYARD OWNER: While we're waiting for my scene to come on, let me just say that next time you're in the area, do feel free to drop by for a sip of wine.
TORC POSTERS: So, any word on what's happening yet?
TED: RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRRRRRR I'LL BAN YOU AAAALLLLLLLLL!! Also? Law is the reestablishment of justice, and justice is the process of righting wrongs.
TORC POSTERS: Ooooh-kay?
TORC POSTERS WHO ARE ALSO B77 POSTERS: Okay, we totally did not see that one coming.
SHIT: *hits fan*
TED: *bans everybody and their table lamp*
TORC POSTERS: . . .
B77ERS: Eh...
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS: *shocked*
FECES: *everywhere*
TED: I BAAAAAAAN YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!11
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS: *get banned*
FECES: *like, ALL over the place*
VINEYARD OWNER: *leafs through script*
TED: *still banning everybody and their table lamp*
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: *would prefer to see the focus of attention shift from feces to like, vineyards or something*
TED: FECES! ON BATHROOM WALLS, I TELL YOU! BUT NOT ON MINE! NOT! ON! MINE!
VINEYARD OWNER: *calls agent*
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: No, seriously. Vineyards? Please? Somebody?
TORCERS: . . .
B77ERS: *spam the crap out of their board*
SCENE: TORC'S THE ONE RING FORUM OF OFFICIAL DECISIONS, SUBTITLED: OFFICIAL VINEYARD FORUM
TED: So. Laws? Reestablishment of justice. Which coincidentally happens to be the process of righting wrongs.
POSTER #1: Yeah. Only... not really?
FECES (on walls): Please oh please don't enrage him further. PLEASE.
TED: Anyway. There was this vineyard once--
VINEYARD OWNER: YUSS!!
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: Thank. You.
TED: --and it was owned by this vineyard owner.
VINEYARD OWNER: That would be me.
TED: And he rented the vineyard to some tenants.
TENANTS: *wave into camera*
TED: And then he went away on a journey.
TORC POSTERS: This better be going somewhere.
VINEYARD OWNER: A long journey.
TED: And when the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to collect the fruit of the vineyard.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: This is where you wanna pay attention.
POSTER #2: But why would he be entitled to collect the fruit of the vineyard? I mean, he rented it to the tenants, didn't he?
POSTER #3: And then he went away on a journey.
POSTER #4: And why would Ted, who did not care about TORC the community enough to regularly participate in it, expect his tenants to surrender to him the fruit of said community?
POSTER #5: You mean vineyard owner. And vineyard. You rebel.
POSTER #4: Oops. Yes, vineyard.
POSTER #6: I'm fairly surprised he even remembers he's growing vine in that vineyard, not avocadoes or something.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: Look, can we...?
TED: And the tenants beat one servant, killed another, and stoned the third.
POSTER #7: That must have been some really decent wine those people were having then.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: If anyone mentions feces right now, I'll be royally pissed.
TED: So he sent his son to them.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: That's me!
POSTER #8: Can I just say, REALLY st00pfid move?
POSTER #9: Totally.
POSTER #7: I'm guessing he was drunk?
POSTER #10: Or high.
POSTER #11: Or distracted by the feces on the walls?
POSTER #12: Let's put this to a vote! Let the majority decide what he was on, and/or distracted by.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: LISTEN, PEOPLE. IT'S A PARABLE, DAMMIT! IT'S NOT A STUDY IN THE SCIENCE OF LOGIC!
TORC POSTERS: Oh good then. Absolutely helpful at this point in time where people want to know WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
TED: And so his son went to the tenants.
POSTER #13: Probably glad to get away from drunk and high dad.
TED: . . .
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: Can you see me alright from where you're standing? Watch for my big death scene now. It's gonna be great. Really.
POSTER #12: Now, the thing you need to know about me...
TED: And they killed him.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: *dies*
POSTER #8: Now that's a surprise.
POSTER #12: Actually? They didn't kill him.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: Oh dear Gawd.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: What?
POSTER #12: I did.
VINEYARD OWNER: You did?
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: She did?
TENANTS: *wave into camera*
POSTER #12: I did.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: This is not happening to me.
POSTER #12: I killed the vineyard owner's son.
POSTER #3: You shouldn't have. You absolutely shouldn't have done that. We hadn't voted on that one yet.
POSTER #12: I'm also Spartacus.
VINEYARD OWNER: Hang on... She did?
TED: Hey, before I forget? Let me also mention that this is now a war, etc. etc.
TORC POSTERS: Yeah, with feces. We got that part.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: And after tonight, just so you know? You're totally alone on that one there, buddy.
TENANTS: *wave into camera*
SMASH CUT TO:
IDYLLIC VINEYARD
The vineyard owner and his son arrive back home after a hard day's work. No tenants in sight. Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed rolls by. Cue lonely wind.
FADE OUT
It's a crying shame that I had to shorten this great piece of wank considerably, but if I hadn't done that we'd probably spend the next few weeks or so here. It's a looooong story, as it basically started back in October 2004. So here's Teh Gist.
This is in two parts; Part 1 is a "short" history of events leading up to the wankiness that was this past weekend, which you can read all about in Part 2.
PART 1
I suppose most of you know TORC, short for TheOneRing.Com (not to be confused with TheOneRing.Net, or "TORN") and now located on TolkienOnline.Com. It's a big messageboard for Tolkien fans and LotR geeks with over 40,000 registered members. TORC is a "family-friendly site", as they state in their Vision: Our vision for Tolkien Online is to be a welcoming and family-friendly place for fans of J. R. R. Tolkien. We encourage continuous renewal of discussions for the benefit of new members and readers. We have worked hard to create what we believe is a place that even Professor Tolkien himself may have been inclined to visit because of our high standards regarding civility and integrity in discussion, news reporting, and other materials inspired by Tolkien's works.
Note the part where it says, "a place that even Prof. Tolkien himself may have been inclined to visit".
At sometime during the second half of 2004, the two founders (Jon and Ted) who had also served as messageboard admins decided to semi-retire from active messageboard duty and promoted two former mods to serve as admins. Jon and Ted were rarely ever seen modding the boards. Yet as the two ex-mods-now-admins continued to mod heavily and as there no longer was a "higher authority" to appeal to when posters felt they were being treated unjustly, the atmosphere on TORC changed somewhat. It didn't help that one of the new admins' standard line when dealing with posters on the boards turned out to be, "Drop this or you and I are gonna have issues". Professor Tolkien, a fan of high standards regarding civility and integrity in discussion, would have felt right at home.
In October 2004, a group of 36 TORC posters, many of them long-standing members with no former warnings, drafted a petition and emailed it to the founders. They had kept it off the boards because "Board Disruption" is a violation of the Terms of Service of TORC and thus a bannable offense, and the petition was only to initiate an open discussion between members and staff anyways. They proposed two things: 1) that there be a proper appeal process when an admin acts as moderator, to ensure that there be "division of powers" and a higher authority, ideally not directly involved in everyday modding, to appeal to, 2) since "sexual innuendo" is a bannable offense that it be taken into account that posters with English as their second language may not always be aware of innuendo-y use of words.
The official reply to this petition, in short, was pretty much "Nope. STFU up and leave if you don't like it here", and I'm willing to bet my ass that Professor Tolkien would have said pretty much the same in that situation.
Then in December, one of the signers of the original petition was banned over a dispute with one of the admin.
The poster in question asked for clarification re: innuendo on the boards, as one of the admins had commented that "you seem to have a thing about size" in one of his posts. The reply:
A few posts later crispycreme stated, "Well guess what, you've just pissed your last lifeline."
From the already mentioned Terms of Service of TORC: "Flaming" or personal attacks are not permitted on Tolkien Online. Disagreement is not the same as attack. We are people of varied opinions, and will naturally disagree at times. A certain amount of "thick skin" is necessary in any internet forum. Do not take a strong statement of opinion as an attack. But attacks on another poster (as opposed to their argument) violate these Terms of Service. A poster who engages in such personal attacks may be banned from the forums. Personal attack may be defined as any behavior designed to make a poster feel unwelcome on the forum. This would include, for example, racial, ethnic, religious, and sexual slurs, or scorn directed at another poster, or attempts to drive another poster off the message board. Threads with the purpose of criticising or insulting another poster will be removed.
As the poster banned over this was well-known on TORC, shit ---> fan after that. Several posters, most of whom had never heard about the petition before, protested against what seemed like a member being banned for disagreeing with an admin on the boards. I guess they thought Professor Tolkien wouldn't have approved of that...? If you have a lot of time on your hands, start reading here.
To complicate things, the 36 original signers of the petition had started a little messageboard of their own way back in October when petition-related group emails became too numerous to handle and mailboxes gave out.
As many of the petition people had indeed left TORC after the officials' reply to the petition, their absence didn't go unnoticed on TORC and other TORC regulars wanted to keep in touch with them and were invited to join That Other Board.
The board, called Board77, now has more than 100 members.
Moving on to recent events: PART 2
Friday, February 25. In this thread on TORC, b77 comes up and a mod states:
But if you mean the other board mentioned in this thread then please feel free to bring it up, if that is, it's for discussion purposes with all opinions being expressed, what we would not approve of is using our boards to obtain members for a competitor board - to be honest you wouldn't expect to hand out flyers for one supermarket in another would you?
The discussion is moved to a new thread, and a poster replies: Soooo, people who post on b77 can't invite our friends over there to post with us? Especially if we no longer post on TORC but would like to keep in contact with people we love?
Next up: Shitstorm of D00m. Ted, one of the founders, posts in reply to that:
No, Not on my board you can't. Via email, yes, via AIM, via smoke signals, via fecal matter rubbed on the walls in your bathroom, sure (but you might need to talk to some nice men in white uniforms if that happens), but on my board, with my bandwidth, and with my resources. NO.
And why is this, becuase the sky is purple and the toads are licking my toes. I really don't need to have a reason other than I don't like it.
And Professor Tolkien wept. (Sorry, couldn't resist bolding the whole thang.)
A few posts later, the thread gets locked. Do yourselves a favor and read the last two posts (link) in that thread, again by Ted. A quote:
I desire a new Age here on TORC. An age of peace and discussion. An age not unlike the seond and third ages of TORC. And I will have it. This age will either be ushered in through the gates of peace with an understanding of the simple guidelines we have here or it will be ushered in through the gates of war. And it will be a war unlike we have had here at TORC.
Now we all know that Professor Tolkien wrote like, books on wars, so I guess we're on the safe side there.
A few hours later, 18 (so far) TORC posters get banned indefinitely, most of them obviously for mentioning b77 on TORC, and one for quoting Lao Tsu. That? Pretty much my favorite part so far.
Just to give you an idea what sort of posters were banned, here are three random threads started by members banned from TORC over the last weekend:
Tolkien's Moral Universe
M00bies read the Silmarillion
Of Tolkien's Sub-creation, Actual Reality, and Peter Jackson's Films
Wouldn't wanna have 'em on my board either.
Ted makes an Announcement, in full "WTF IT'S MY SITE AND I CAN DO WITH IT WHAT THE FUCK I WANT *RAGE*" mode: Behold, the parable of the vineyard owner and his son. Followed by an "Official response to all threads regarding the current issue".
Must go get more popcorn.
EDIT: And someone wrote a parody:
The Parable of the Feces on the Walls
SCENE: SOME IDYLLIC VINEYARD
VINEYARD OWNER: Hi. I'm your vineyard owner for tonight, and this is my vineyard. I will become important later on in the story.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: Hi. I'm the vineyard owner's son, and I'm a walking, talking metaphor. I too will become important later on in the story. And I predict that I will die a gruesome death and that my dying scene will be quite heart-wrenching and I know the Oscars are over but I'll still do my best for you, I promise.
VINEYARD OWNER: . . .
SCENE: TORC MESSAGEBOARD. A WEEKEND NIGHT.
TALK POSTERS: *post*
MANWE POSTERS: *socialize in socializing thread*
M00BIES POSTERS: *post in, um, theme month thread*
B77: *is being mentioned*
TPTB: *NOT AMUSED*
SCENE: MANWE THREAD ON TORC
TED: Knock it off.
ESTEL: Hm?
TED: Knock. It. Off.
ESTEL: Butbutbut! I'm not doing anything wrong, I just want to invite my friends to post with me on another messageboard if they want to, and--
TED: STFU, N00B!!
ESTEL: . . .
TED: FECES! ON WALLS! ON BATHROOM WALLS, NO LESS! I MEAN! SMEAR YOUR FECES ALL OVER YOUR WALLS IF YOU HAVE THE ITCH BUT KEEP IT OFF MY WALLS, MY MESSAGEBOARD, AND MY VINEYARD!!!1
MANWE POSTERS: Ooooh-kay?
VINEYARD OWNER: Um, dude? That comes later.
TED: Oh. Sorry 'bout that.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: *headdesk*
SCENE: TALK FORUM
ALYS: I love you, laureanna.
LAUREANNA: . . .
ALYS: Um! I mean, you know, glad to see you.
LAUREANNA: . . .
SILENCE: *is uncomfortable*
ALYS: Um. Hey? Wanna talk about the weather?
LAUREANNA: The um, Shitstorm on TORC?
B77ERS: *snerk*
LAUREANNA: Yeah. Actually, I'd rather not in this thread.
ALYS: . . .
SCENE: TORC'S CATACOMBS OF ARBITRARINESS
TED: Let's hunt some orc.
JONATHAN: *?*
TED: Er. I mean, let's ban some ass.
JONATHAN: Yeah.
TED: Yeah.
JONATHAN: Totally.
TED: Yeah.
JONATHAN: I smell B77er flesh.
IE: Um, guys? Clichéd, kinda.
VINEYARD OWNER: You'll notice that I haven't really been in this story much so far, but I'll become really important later on, so...
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: And watch for my death scene. It'll be worth it, I promise.
TED: . . .
SCENE: TORC
LAUREANNA: *gets banned*
TED: *does not send an explaining email*
LAUREANNA: Ooooh-kay?
TORC POSTERS: *bitchcomplainWTF?!*
VINEYARD OWNER: Any minute now, I believe.
TORC POSTERS: Okay, so what's happening?
TORC POSTERS WHO ARE ALSO B77 POSTERS: This isn't really the time to say that we saw this coming, but we saw this coming.
POSTERS IN MANWE SOCIALIZING THREAD: So, what on earth is happening?
M00BIES POSTERS: Not to be redundant, but what the eff is happening?
FECES: *are so totally on bathroom walls*
TORC POSTERS: No, seriously. WHAT THE BLEEP IS HAPPENING?
FECES: *like, all over*
SOME B77ERS: OMG LET'S OPEN OUR BOARD OMG.
OTHER B77ERS: Er. No?
YET OTHER B77ERS: Let's start a poll on that, just in case!
VINEYARD OWNER: While we're waiting for my scene to come on, let me just say that next time you're in the area, do feel free to drop by for a sip of wine.
TORC POSTERS: So, any word on what's happening yet?
TED: RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRRRRRRR I'LL BAN YOU AAAALLLLLLLLL!! Also? Law is the reestablishment of justice, and justice is the process of righting wrongs.
TORC POSTERS: Ooooh-kay?
TORC POSTERS WHO ARE ALSO B77 POSTERS: Okay, we totally did not see that one coming.
SHIT: *hits fan*
TED: *bans everybody and their table lamp*
TORC POSTERS: . . .
B77ERS: Eh...
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS: *shocked*
FECES: *everywhere*
TED: I BAAAAAAAN YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!11
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS: *get banned*
FECES: *like, ALL over the place*
VINEYARD OWNER: *leafs through script*
TED: *still banning everybody and their table lamp*
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: *would prefer to see the focus of attention shift from feces to like, vineyards or something*
TED: FECES! ON BATHROOM WALLS, I TELL YOU! BUT NOT ON MINE! NOT! ON! MINE!
VINEYARD OWNER: *calls agent*
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: No, seriously. Vineyards? Please? Somebody?
TORCERS: . . .
B77ERS: *spam the crap out of their board*
SCENE: TORC'S THE ONE RING FORUM OF OFFICIAL DECISIONS, SUBTITLED: OFFICIAL VINEYARD FORUM
TED: So. Laws? Reestablishment of justice. Which coincidentally happens to be the process of righting wrongs.
POSTER #1: Yeah. Only... not really?
FECES (on walls): Please oh please don't enrage him further. PLEASE.
TED: Anyway. There was this vineyard once--
VINEYARD OWNER: YUSS!!
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: Thank. You.
TED: --and it was owned by this vineyard owner.
VINEYARD OWNER: That would be me.
TED: And he rented the vineyard to some tenants.
TENANTS: *wave into camera*
TED: And then he went away on a journey.
TORC POSTERS: This better be going somewhere.
VINEYARD OWNER: A long journey.
TED: And when the harvest time approached, he sent his servants to collect the fruit of the vineyard.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: This is where you wanna pay attention.
POSTER #2: But why would he be entitled to collect the fruit of the vineyard? I mean, he rented it to the tenants, didn't he?
POSTER #3: And then he went away on a journey.
POSTER #4: And why would Ted, who did not care about TORC the community enough to regularly participate in it, expect his tenants to surrender to him the fruit of said community?
POSTER #5: You mean vineyard owner. And vineyard. You rebel.
POSTER #4: Oops. Yes, vineyard.
POSTER #6: I'm fairly surprised he even remembers he's growing vine in that vineyard, not avocadoes or something.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: Look, can we...?
TED: And the tenants beat one servant, killed another, and stoned the third.
POSTER #7: That must have been some really decent wine those people were having then.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: If anyone mentions feces right now, I'll be royally pissed.
TED: So he sent his son to them.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: That's me!
POSTER #8: Can I just say, REALLY st00pfid move?
POSTER #9: Totally.
POSTER #7: I'm guessing he was drunk?
POSTER #10: Or high.
POSTER #11: Or distracted by the feces on the walls?
POSTER #12: Let's put this to a vote! Let the majority decide what he was on, and/or distracted by.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: LISTEN, PEOPLE. IT'S A PARABLE, DAMMIT! IT'S NOT A STUDY IN THE SCIENCE OF LOGIC!
TORC POSTERS: Oh good then. Absolutely helpful at this point in time where people want to know WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
TED: And so his son went to the tenants.
POSTER #13: Probably glad to get away from drunk and high dad.
TED: . . .
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: Can you see me alright from where you're standing? Watch for my big death scene now. It's gonna be great. Really.
POSTER #12: Now, the thing you need to know about me...
TED: And they killed him.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: *dies*
POSTER #8: Now that's a surprise.
POSTER #12: Actually? They didn't kill him.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: Oh dear Gawd.
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: What?
POSTER #12: I did.
VINEYARD OWNER: You did?
VINEYARD OWNER'S SON: She did?
TENANTS: *wave into camera*
POSTER #12: I did.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: This is not happening to me.
POSTER #12: I killed the vineyard owner's son.
POSTER #3: You shouldn't have. You absolutely shouldn't have done that. We hadn't voted on that one yet.
POSTER #12: I'm also Spartacus.
VINEYARD OWNER: Hang on... She did?
TED: Hey, before I forget? Let me also mention that this is now a war, etc. etc.
TORC POSTERS: Yeah, with feces. We got that part.
METAPHORICAL SUBTEXT: And after tonight, just so you know? You're totally alone on that one there, buddy.
TENANTS: *wave into camera*
SMASH CUT TO:
IDYLLIC VINEYARD
The vineyard owner and his son arrive back home after a hard day's work. No tenants in sight. Crickets chirping. Tumbleweed rolls by. Cue lonely wind.
FADE OUT
