Current mood:

high

So sayeth the fangirls.
I don't know what it is, but lately the house_md community over on LJ has become a hotbed of idiocy and wank.

Today-- well, yesterday, now-- bardvahalla felt the need to post this screed:


(Crossed posted to the Official Site)

Dear Writers of House,

I don’t know your names and have no interest in looking them up. Don’t take this personally. It’s just that the last time I became emotionally involved in a TV show (X-Files) I had a rather rough time dealing with it when Darin Morgan left.

I know you guys/girls read the board. I know you do. Judging from the amount of ‘squeeling fangirls’ here you may have the impression that the ‘squeeling fangirls’ make up the majority of your audience and you may feel tempted to cater to their twisted desires just to see them squirm.

Don’t.

“Squeeling fangirls’ are the most VOCAL part of your audience, but that does not mean they are in the majority.

Don’t give in to them.
No matter how whiney and manipulative they get.
Trust me on this.

I’ll try to get my point acroos before I start to ramble too much.
Look, the show is named HOUSE. House is a bastard. He’s an arrogant, flawed, unsympathetic BASTARD. The conflict he generates is the driving force behind this show. I like House because he’s an “in yer face”, right nasty piece of work. I like not knowing too much about him. Keep House a mysterious character. If we know too much about him then our interest will wane. If you tell us too much about him and/or gradually turn him into some ‘romance’ figure and/or ‘jump the shark’ by having him land a airplane that’s on fire or some damn thing simply because the vocal ‘squeeling fangirls’ portion of your audience demands it, you will LOSE your main audience.

House (as I am sure you are aware) is an anti-social son of a bitch. THAT’s what make’s him hot to the ‘squeeling fangirls” That “bad boy” thing. Make him nastier, more confrontational, more snarky and less sympathetic. Don’t tell us why he is the way he is. Be brutal. For GOD’S sake keep his clothes on because as soon as he starts humping someone his character will start to die a slow death.

Conflict and interest. Think about that. Having a show where the main character isn’t shagging anyone is a fresh new idea. By all means, have him leer at porn or make lascivious references to pendulous breasts, but DON’T wrap a story line around some goopy relationship. Keep him on ice. He’s far more interesting that way.

Be contradictory.
Mess with our minds.

Besides, the audience will love you for it.
Especially the “squeeling fangirls” because that’s REALLY what they want.
They just don’t know it.

Inevitably you will write a “House gets critically ill, lies dying and angst-ridden” episode and his staff will have to save him. Save it for the LAST episode and then let him die.

I’m serious. Kill him off in the end.
Burn the House down rather than let it fall into a bathering ‘squeeling fangirl’ driven shambles.

Good luck.

BARD

P.S.
Please do not screw this up.
You have a winner here.

I don't know what's wankier-- the dictatorial tone, the overwhelming sense of superiority, or the fact that she's disabled comments.

Alas, this latter fact means it's not likely to grow. So I suggest we all simply enjoy it for what it is: a tiny, perfect microcosm of wank.

ETA: Aha! She's graciously taking comments here. There's growth potential!