Punish the adulters!!!
Well, hello there, Wanketeers!

Perhaps the most amusing/bizarre thing about the wrestling fandom is that the best wank, the finest of the wank litter, is started by the celebrities themselves. And no matter how fucking insane the fanfic gets for the fandom, there's a real life story involving a real wrestler that is probably more batshit crazy.

The undisputed kings (and queen) of all wrestling fandom wank is, hands down, Team Xtreme. This is the trio (or, well, when they were less messed up, they were a trio) of Jeff Hardy (fandom faery king), Matt Hardy (fandom uh... well, the guy that's always slashed with the fandom faery, because incest is practically canon in this fandom) and Lita (Matt's girlfriend, "punk chick" with a big tattoo, pretty and seems like a cool chick; unfortunately, she really really sucks at wrestling).

Jeff has long since become cracked out and was released from the WWE, which brought on much wank. Matt and Lita, however, seemed to be pretty solid. They both worked hard, had some injuries, but they had each other. Except, well, Matt came off as kind of a prick in his book when mentioning Lita, but he came off as kind of a prick all around. No big deal. They've been together for a long time, and they seem to be pretty good at staying off heavy drugs, which is what gets most wrestlers.

Except. Matt's been injured for a while, sitting at home while Lita was still traveling with the company and on TV. And apparently, she's been a naughty, naughty girl.

It starts when Matt suddenly pulls all the pictures of Lita (real name: Amy Dumas) off his website. Fans ask: Why'd you take down all the Amy pics? Matt rather tersely suggests that if people wanna know why her pictures are gone from the sight, they should ask her at an autograph signing. Okay! Next, he updates his "Matt Facts" portion of his website with a fact something along the lines of "Matt hates betrayal". Interesting.

Eventually, we find out the truth. How? Well, one of his friends posts it on his message board! The message was later deleted, for reasons unknown, but Wrestling News Site 411 Mania preserved it with the glory of C&P:

Dear Friends:

Let me get a few facts out of the way:

Matt Hardy & Amy "Lita" Dumas are no longer a couple.

Matt was forced to end the relationship.

It has come to my attention that a growing number of participants in this message board are "blaming" Matt for various "rumors" and more. I want to shed a little more light on the situation. This may be upsetting for some of you, but the truth tends to hurt.

I have known Matt Hardy for almost 10 years. He is truly my brother. He is a loving person, loyal friend, and he has always done the right thing in every aspect of his life. I had never known Matt to be more in love with someone than he was wih Amy. He would have gladly given his life for Amy.

Amy Dumas lied to Matt. Amy broke Matt's trust. While Matt told me this story of lies and deceit, I heard so much pain and anguish in his voice that it brought me to tears. I am still shocked and saddened at the pain that Matt has been caused by all of this. What is even more heartbreaking is the other man that precipitated the lies was supposedly one of Matt's better friends. Amy is not the only one who is guilty of lies and breaking trust.

I just wanted all of you to know that Matt Hardy is 1000% in the right in all of this, and I would have never believed that that Amy Dumas would have been capable of the doing this to Matt after all he has sacrificed for her.

Sincerely,
Thomas Simpson

I love it when percentages get above 100. Heh. Matt replied to the message with the following:

Thomas, thanks for the all the love and support. Everything Thomas has said is absolutely true. I will address this appalling situation when the time is right. I greatly appreciate all of the support and encouragement all of you have given me throughout the years. May you all be well and happy. God bless.

It's bad enough that Matt, pitiable as he is in this situation, has his buddies posting on his message board about his relationship, but then, the plot thickens. Turns out not only did Lita cheat, but she cheated with other wrestler and one of the original fandom dreamboats, Edge (real name: Adam Copeland). This, of course, creates a firestorm of wank among mailing lists.

But the best fannish stupidity to come out this, is the petition to "Punish the Adulters", since, yeah, by the way, Edge is recently married:

http://www.petitiononline.com/072684/petition.html

That'll show 'em!

Though, perhaps the miracle of this wank is that it doesn't involve Triple H in any way.