Hell hath no fury like a Crystalis fan scorned
So, it all started when a website I write for and sort of co-run started up a feature to last us through the month while a new format and layout is being set up, the Top 25 Rad NES Games. We got a lot of guest people to help it out, including J. Parish of ToastyFrog fame. Parish put up a link to our site on his front page a couple days before the feature started.

Now, the list of how rad these 25 games were was from a poll one of the site's writers took to make some page for his programming class final. In that list, Crystalis managed to make it to #24. Then, on one of the ToastyFrog boards, a guy nicknamed Spram wrote a DIATRIBE about how much Crystalis ruled, and how much we sucked for putting it so low on the list:

So Chibi Chan Nudity (the link is in Parish's front page!) ranked the awesome Crystalis as NES's #24 totally rad game.. Next to Doctor Mario (an insult to the vastly superior Crystalis).

As you dont know or care, Crystalis is my favorite game of all time. I know it's not the best made ever, but it's my favorite. I dont care if the caves are boring repetitive mazes or that the animation is bad or that veating Stom's training is either too difficult or too easy for no logical reasons.

But some idiots in the CCN thing (thankfully, Parish was not one of them, I "like" the guy) dont like Crystalis... How? HOW? HOOOOOWWWWW?

I am not in the mood for writting. But Crystalis is better than these games:

1. Metal Gear Solid. Why? Crystalis never bores you with crap 40-minute cutscenes about stupid crap.
2. Resident Evil. Why? Crystalis doesn't take forever to load rooms. Crystalis doesn't have the single worst control of a game people actually like.
3. Metroid Prime. Why? Crystalis doesn't give me motion sickness.
4. Zelda: A Link to the Past. Why? Crystalis doesn't have a crap dark world where everything is ugly.
5. Chess. Why? I can play Crystalis by myself.
6. Sex. Why? I can play Crystalis by myself.
7. Masturbation. Why? After finishing Crystalis I dont feel like It wasn't worth it and have to do it again and again and again until my fingers hurt.
8. Made in Wario's toast-grabbing game. Why? In Crystalis I dont have to have good reflexes.
9. Being Hispanic. Why? When I play Crystalis I dont see Super Mario Bros. 3 telling me that I'm playing Crystalis.
10. Writting this. Why? Because Crystalis is actually fun.

Crystalis > CCN

(Post a new comment)

aruru
2003-06-10 10:55 pm UTC (link)

6. Sex. Why? I can play Crystalis by myself.
7. Masturbation. Why? After finishing Crystalis I dont feel like It wasn't worth it and have to do it again and again and again until my fingers hurt.

*SPORFLE!*

Also... masturbation isn't worth it?

Wow, he must be one of those frigid types.

9. Being Hispanic. Why? When I play Crystalis I dont see Super Mario Bros. 3 telling me that I'm playing Crystalis.

Uh, I sincerely hope this means that this post of his was intended to be a joke, because whenever I see a line like this, I immediately think "prank."

Anyway... Ecchi-Attack! I've never really had a chance to look more closely at Chibi Clan Nudity itself, but the main site's hilarious. ^^

As for ToastyFrog... I'll be honest, but I've never really understood why he's so popular. I looked once at the site years back, and the only bit of humor of his that I found even remotely funny was the Evangelion Thumbnail Theater. Maybe it's just me, though. *shrug*

(Reply to this)

	sorchar 2003-06-10 11:10 pm UTC (link)
	So, even though he himself admits that the game ain't all that great, because it's HIS favorite you're all supposed to elect it King or something? He doesn't get out much, does he? (Reply to this)

	rowan 2003-06-10 11:24 pm UTC (link)
	6. Sex. Why? I can play Crystalis by myself. ... Congratuwations, you can pway a game aw by yoursewf! What a special widdle boy hims is, yes! Well, at least this means he won't reproduce. If he likes the game that much, though... well, too bad he shot MY theory down with Brilliant Point #7. Pfft. (Reply to this)

unoriginality
2003-06-10 11:28 pm UTC (link)

Okay, the guy started shooting himself in the foot right from the start. It's not the greatest game and has all those things wrong with it, and yet it should've gotten higher? Sounds to me like he's lucky it ranked at ALL.

Although this annoyed me a little (mostly because I'm a big fan of it):
4. Zelda: A Link to the Past. Why? Crystalis doesn't have a crap dark world where everything is ugly.

.....a crap dark world where everything is ugly. Um... the dark world was created as the reflection of the regular world twisted by the hatred and blackness in Mandrag Gannon's heart. Yes, things are ugly. They're meant to be ugly. Let me quote Lina Inverse and say: "Get a mitt and catch a clue!"

Got news for you buddy- the story of A Link to the Past was intriguing, the game play was entertaining, the dungeon layout was incredible and the vast amount of new stuff to discover is amazing. I've been playing for years and I've yet to find all the heart pieces. And considering that Chrono Trigger is the only Nintendo game that I've seen consistantly ranked above A Link to the Past, I'd have to say that the biggest share of the gaming world disagrees with your wankish comments. Go home and play your sub-par game.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	pradaloz 2003-06-11 04:12 am UTC (link)
	Got news for you buddy- the story of A Link to the Past was intriguing, the game play was entertaining, the dungeon layout was incredible and the vast amount of new stuff to discover is amazing. Best. Game. EVER. (Though I'll admit that my gaming experience is extremely limited.) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: unoriginality 2003-06-11 05:30 am UTC (link)
	EXACTLY! agrees so much (Reply to this)(Parent)

	sorchar 2003-06-11 01:21 pm UTC (link)
	You know they're bringing it back on Gameboy Advance, right? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	aruru 2003-06-11 04:18 pm UTC (link)
	If you mean A Link to the Past, it's already been out for a few months. :) I hope to eventually get a copy, I loved that game in the SNES and I agree that it's one of the best adventure-genre games ever made. :D (Reply to this)(Parent)

	Re: unoriginality 2003-06-11 09:49 pm UTC (link)
	I know. ;_; I need a GA first. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	jfpbookworm 2003-06-11 12:59 am UTC (link)
	Maybe it's just because I'm a total gamer-geek, but I'm most amused by the fact that all of his "games Crystalis is better than" aren't actually for the NES. (Reply to this)

dawnswalker
2003-06-11 01:25 am UTC (link)

You know, I think most of us have at least one game that we wish had gotten more attention when it first came out.

The difference is, most of us don't go into histrionics when the specialness of said game(s) isn't recognized by most of the rest of the world. Considering how many games came out for the Nintendo, the fact that Crystalis ranked in the Top 25 according to some guy's website is pretty damn good, if you ask me.

(Reply to this)

	raisedbyhyenas 2003-06-11 02:23 am UTC (link)
	I know nothing about the games in question or the entire the entire game...genre...thing, but I'm pretty sure you just fell hook, line, and sinker for a joke. BD (Reply to this)

	lauren 2003-06-11 04:50 am UTC (link)
	The fact that this guy gets more pleasure out of Crystalis than sex or masturbation says something. I don't really want to ponder what it's saying for too long, because my brain can't handle sinusoidal curves and (real) fanboy wank all at the same time. But dude. Wow. (Reply to this)

	oxydosic 2003-06-11 08:30 pm UTC (link)
	I'm a pretty old school gamer and i can't remember what Crystalis was. Regardless, this is pretty wanky. My favorite video games almost never make the top lists, but then...i don't really care. I like em and that's what's important. This guy should learn that lesson. Or, it could be a joke, as some have suggested. Though i wonder why'd they'd pick THAT specific game. (Reply to this)