Oh snap, I bet this means more clones.
So, in Wizard magazine, Spider-Man writer J. Michael Straczynski and Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada announced their plans to "fix" Spider-Man and "rip out [the fans's] hearts". Again. Joey Q also shared his thoughts on yaoi went on about his hate-on for Spidey's wife, Mary Jane. Because it's totally her fault the comics suck, you guys, not retcon after retcon after the fugliest costume in the world.

Anyway, the news reached various comics message boards. I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

We're up to 14 pages of wank on Superherohype.com, 11 pages at Comics Resource Boards, and various splurts on the Spider-Man Comics Board.

And if you think I'm going to sum up 25+ pages of wank, you're as nuts as a guy in a Goblin costume. However, I will share the highlights.

From Superherohype:

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a swinger can...

And now, my favorite part of the wank. Gregatron, and his belief that Spider-Man should be just like him never have graduated high school. Too bad the 70s ruined everything. Damn dirty hippies, don't they know comics are a timeless fiction? This goes on for two more pages. (Oh, and it's only semi-related to the wank, but I recommend you all check out the rant in his sig for the definition of TL; TB; DR.)

Bringing Ben back permanently? Fine. Gwen's been living as a troll the last 10 years under GW bridge? Ok. MJ has cancer, A.I.D.S. and chronic arthritis? Sure. Spidey's outing himself as Peter Parker and the one TRUE Hobgoblin? There's somebody with a credit card and an "I heart Morlun" T-Shirt that'll pick up the trade.

Now, STOP! COMPARISION TIME! First, MJ gets compared to a car radio, because actresses are just like machines. Then Gwen is compared to a vampire, which is actually pretty apt. Finally, JMS and Joey Q and compared to Pinky and the Brain, and that's insulting to fictional mice.

From CBR:

OMFG SHUT UP AND JUST WRITE GOOD STORIES!

Now MJ is ded from Ultimate Spider-Man.


So it looks like Peter is stuck with MJ for the rest of his life. And what have we learned from this? Marriage is a trap: A suffocating, constricting life-draining abyss from which there is no escape.

I'm getting married on August 5th.

MJ is really a secret agent, you guys!

From The Spider-Man Message Board:

Just go slit your wrists, fanboy. No, really. Stop disrespecting our right to moan!

IT'S TIME FOR DARTH SPIDEY! No, it's time for DARTH MJ! Aw, hell, let's just give her brain damage. Because a guy who left his wife thanks to brain damage would be anything but an asshole.

It is taking all my willpower not to turn this into a "thoughts on yaoi" joke.

Oh, and meet Thread 1 and Thread 2, both speculating about how Marvel is going to kill Mary Jane again. Then there's their clone friend, OMG Marvel Stop Raping MJ With a Tent Peg! And of course, we can't end a good wank without lots and lots of whining about how Spider-Man has been destroyed forever. Or bets on how long 'til Gwen comes back. Since, you know, no-one stays dead in comics anymore. Not even Uncle Ben.

ETA: OH NO, THEY FOUND US! We're such mean girls, you guys. =(

ETA x 2: Gregation vs. Logic, Round Two! (More in these pages.) I really wish this guy would stop confusing Spider-Man with Peter Pan.