Laurell K Hamilton just published another book that had no other story then to tell the world her wanking fantasies.

More fans then ever complain about the lack of plot, and Amazon reviews go down like hell

( So the great-big-fantastic author needs to point out that no one understands her )

On the same time her publicist/assistent minion Darla posts this to the message board as a warning:

For those of you who say this is nothing but a Praise Board. Fine, it is. Feel free to run up and down the street screaming "I was right!" with my blessing. Personally, I am tired of listening to you whine and trying to make others here feel bad about the fact they don't share your opinion. Trust me, your opinion is really only important to you. The rest of us, could care less about what you think and wish you would go away. Yes, I do get to say what a lot of folks are thinking and have expressed in emails.

The snarkiness and nastiness will now stop. Immediately. Some folks have turned waltzing up to the edge into an art. No more. Abide by both the letter of the rules and the spirit of them or be banned. The mods here have a difficult job and are doing their best. And they do a fine job. If you think something isn't fair, then talk to me. There is no way a single person could mod this board. And there may be some uneveness in how things are handled. But that is mine to deal with. I am the one who makes the rules. The mods merely enforce what I decide. Yup, I am queen. Sometimes, new things come up and a rule may not cover it completely or adequately. That is on me not them. I will applaud those who spend the time seeking loopholes to exploit. Some of you are really good at it. You should run for public office.

People at LKH Lashouts have fun here and here:
http://community.livejournal.com/lkh_lashouts/189542.html
http://community.livejournal.com/lkh_lashouts/190154.html

Posted for a mouse on wank report. I love author wank, and this one even features a fake love letter between two authors, making it honourary RPF.

Okay. So, this is a link to a New York Times article about two feuding biographers. One, A. N. Wilson, has just been discovered to be the victim of a hoax, in the form of a fake letter which he published in his recent book. The letter contains a rude message about Wilson. The chief suspect is the biographer with whom he has been feuding.

The story in short in the NY Times.

There's a link about the feud in the Guardian and this article includes a denial of blame by the chief suspect. And a columnist's reaction here.

It's all really rather civilized -- if you discount the rudeness of the letter and the folks pointing, laughing and denying culpability, but I think the letter elevates this to wank status.

-undomielregina on lj

ETA: A mouse informs us that Hillier has confessed to scamming Wilson.

This wank report owes its existence to a request from the lol_meme. I hope you all find it full of LOL.

There's no wank like author wank, as we've seen before from Anne Rice and Laurell K. Hamilton. Now throw some zealous fans into the mix, and you get Terry Goodkind's wikipedia page.

For those of you not familiar with his output, Terry Goodkind writes novels (don't call them fantasy!) in the 'Sword of Truth' series, beginning with Wizard's First Rule and now up to I don't know what. They've garnered comparisons with Robert Jordan in terms of size and the tendency to go on and on and will probably eventually sell for $2.99 a pound. He's also a serious devotee of Ayn Rand, works grand philosophical insights into his books, and is very insistent that he's not writing fantasy--the nasty publishers have just miscategorized his books:

( Terry Goodkind Speaks! )

The links speak for themselves--short form:

According to Patrick Nielsen Hayden, Harlan Ellison apparently groped Connie Willis onstage at the Hugo awards.

Rachel Manija Brown has her own run-in with Mr. Ellison.

Cristalia calls for a "fatwa" against him.
(there are several more links at the bottom of this entry)

Maradydd offers face punching.

Posting in fandom_wank because as far as I can tell, it's not going to wait to explode, especially with cristalia's post, much less Mr. Ellison's actions.

EDIT:
The photo is here, fourth one down...but at least Morena Baccarin is pretty. /shallow

BASTARD SON OF EDIT: The photo that I originally saw doesn't seem to be on that page anymore. But Morena is still pretty.

UPDATE OF EDIT: Some discussion of Connie Willis' reaction at Elizabeth Bear's journal.

UPDATE OF BASTARD SON: Harlan aplogizes. And it sounds (kind of) sincere. And he mentions JF specifically. And I boggle.

( here, because that board has icky navigation. )

Recently, manga artist Mimei Sakamoto was quoted in an article in which she basically ripped the hell out of Japan's otaku subculture moe, which is apparently a fetish/love/attraction to certain things in anime, most commonly young, innocent girls. (Eh, just read the wiki and don't yell at me if I don't have this exactly right. I'm familiar with the term but not an expert.)

Over at Anime News Network's forums, people flip out. Responses to the article range from "I have a new hero" to "he intolerance from this lady is quite sad and it's magnified by her elitism and draconian definitions." There are some voices of reason in the mix, but there's also plenty of spooge.

The whole thread is fun, but here are some highlights: ( Read more... )

My favorite part is Navak's comment in page 3, in response to the inevitable "can't we get along" plea: With 314 icepicks and 313 people, we sure can get along.

So, in Wizard magazine, Spider-Man writer J. Michael Straczynski and Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada announced their plans to "fix" Spider-Man and "rip out [the fans's] hearts". Again. Joey Q also shared his thoughts on yaoi went on about his hate-on for Spidey's wife, Mary Jane. Because it's totally her fault the comics suck, you guys, not retcon after retcon after the fugliest costume in the world.

Anyway, the news reached various comics message boards. I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

We're up to 14 pages of wank on Superherohype.com, 11 pages at Comics Resource Boards, and various splurts on the Spider-Man Comics Board.

And if you think I'm going to sum up 25+ pages of wank, you're as nuts as a guy in a Goblin costume. However, I will share the highlights.

( GO, WANK WEB, GO! )

Oh, and meet Thread 1 and Thread 2, both speculating about how Marvel is going to kill Mary Jane again. Then there's their clone friend, OMG Marvel Stop Raping MJ With a Tent Peg! And of course, we can't end a good wank without lots and lots of whining about how Spider-Man has been destroyed forever. Or bets on how long 'til Gwen comes back. Since, you know, no-one stays dead in comics anymore. Not even Uncle Ben.

ETA: OH NO, THEY FOUND US! We're such mean girls, you guys. =(

ETA x 2: Gregation vs. Logic, Round Two! (More in these pages.) I really wish this guy would stop confusing Spider-Man with Peter Pan.

Nntendo recently announced that their new console, formerly the Revolution, will now be named the "Wii". Pronounced "we".

The internet: WHAT?
Joystiq, Revolution Fanboy, 1up, Penny Arcade Forums, GameSpy, Gamespot News, the Guardian, Engadget, Kotaku.EDIT: Something Awful, GAF, and GameFAQs, YTMND.

The most common comparisons, the dozens of dirty puns aside, are made to the iPod name. What's most fun is watching the hardcore fanwanking fanboys who don't know the difference between good and bad publicity. And those mocking the people who think the name is childish. Several people point out the potential confusion when playing against French players. And, uh, a Red Sox comparison? And one to the name of the Playstation. And the Chevy Nova.

This does make me wonder if they realized that most gaming comics update on Fridays...

EDIT2: And now the first comic, from Joystiq themselves.
EDIT3:A petition. Thanks, jedi_miki.
EDIT 4:Penny Arcade weighs in. A blog entry in defense of Wii. Apparently, it's just an Internet problem. Oh, and won't someone think of the casual gamers? And RealLife. And Fark. And tthe french. [translation] Yess, even the French think they needed focus groups.
EDIT 5:Joystiq rips apart the Nintendo justification. Mind you, this is a blog with a supposed Nintento-positive bias. They also tear some conspiracy theories a new one, and ask if the big N was ready for the collective WTF.

The Buffy shipper wank made me nostalgic for the days when David Boreanaz was thin and pretty, so I went and dipped my toes into the Bones fandom. Guess how long it took me to find wank..?

TWO MINUTES FLAT!

It starts back in February, over on the books discussion of the Fox forum for Bones, when tcjmom sounds the alarm about the first spin-off novel, 'Buried Deep', written by Max Allan Collins: "I'm only on page 14 and have quit reading. I got so mad. ... It seems that not the person who wrote the book or any of those editing it has ever watched one single episode. If they had how could they have gotten something so grossly wrong!!!!! ****steam if coming out my ears***** Oh, you're still waiting for me to tell you what's irritating me so much?! The description of Agent Seeley Booth ...."with his square jaw, close-cropped brown hair, and (***gnashes teeth***) steel-blue eyes..." BLUE EYES!!!! How could anyone mistake them for blue?!!!

****slams down books and stomps off****"

She's mildly worried that she might be over-reacting, until Edgeoforever assures her that she isn't. Just to *really* show her that she isn't, Edgeoforever does what anyone would do in a situation like this, and emails the author to let him know that she most certainly won't be buying the book: "What is the point of writing a book based on a TV series if your characters are not going to be based on the characters in said TV series?( Read more... )

Max Allen Collins allegedly takes some time out of his busy schedule of knocking out CSI novels to actually respond:( Read more... )

Edgeoforever emails him a picture of David Boreanaz to "express her feelings".

Collins considers the picture and loses his cool:( Read more... )

Edgeoforever explains that she has a very rare medical condition: "I won't argue with you about my people skills, but maybe, like Brennan, I also have a mania for truth."

fluteishness offers a valuable contribution to the debate about Boreanaz's features: "His face is square-shaped, not his jaw. His jaw is prominent, but it tapers normally like most other guys'."

Edgeoforever sends Collins some of Boreanaz's interviews to aid him in writing future books about Boreanaz's dreamy eyes and hair Bones and magnanimously offers to actually read 'Buried Deep'. It transpires that she has in fact had "many lengthy exchanges like that with writers, radio personalities, journalists etc.  I don't find anything unusual in that."

And all is momentarily quiet, until lasakra invokes the First Amendment to defend the writer's freedom to give the character whatever eye colour he wants!

Edgeoforever: "Freedom of speech is all fine and dandy, but then don't put on the cover "based on the TV series" - because then the so call freedom becomes deceit and false advertising."

After a little more tedious mudslinging, fluteishness steps forth again to illustate that paying attention to detail is important when it comes to Bones, by talking about how she created Sims of Seeley and Tempy: "I just created their faces with the Simulator. Several hours, and several downloaded pics later (including quite a lovely one where someone was in a bathtub...) two lovely sims were born (and later married *g*)."

And there was still wank coming out of this thread five days ago...

Basically, I just stumbled across this at VH1's Best Week Ever Blog and was dumbfounded at the sheer wankiness.

The short version: Joe Rogan dives head-first into the wank when his entire fanboard starts to splooge all over a former poster when they discover ex-poster was, HORRORS, a fatty. It proceeds into trolling, lots of Anti-Semitism (including jokes about the Holocaust) and Rogan being happier than a pig in ... well.

VH1 provides plenty of the wanky links but, if you really want to torment yourself, just surf the thread for yourself.

You might remember Joe Rogan from Fear Factor or maybe from when he trolled some kid on myspace. Maybe even from the one good project he was involved with, Newsradio. I will now always remember him as that guy who is WAY too into his fanboard/spends too much time on the Internet and who doesn't have the slightest clue what the word "karma" means.

From a beautiful and talented mouse on wank_report and moonjaguar:

You thought this was all, didn't you? Well, you, my dear, have no idea of the depths of the wank. Oh no.

As far as I can tell, It starts here, in the Joe Rogan forums. They find the Not OK post and rag on it. One clever troll, Dandello, aka lynny posts on prime_liquor, PZB's fan-club comm.

Then it gets... knotty.

PZB's fans troll in lynny's journal (and I'm not sure where the virulent child-free-ness comes from, but it's spooging all over the damn place) and the orignal post, counter-troll, there are missing/stolen flickr accounts, and some other stuff that somehow got wound up together with this. PZB's LJ is full of ... anger & pretension, as is Prime_Liquor and now my head hurts and I need some good booze, good sex, or my mommy. I'm just not sure which.

Anne Rice is getting biblical in her next book, due out in November from publisher Random House. "Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt" will tell the story of Jesus' early years in his own words.

Yes, his own words. Lestat wasn't enough, now Christ the Lord is speaking through Anne Rice.

She even wrote a lengthy letter, as we well know is her habit, to go with advance copies of the book:

"I'm not a priest, I can't be one. I'll never be able to go to the altar of the Lord and say the words of consecration at Mass, 'This is my body. This is my blood.' No, I can't work that magnificent Eucharistic miracle. But in humility, I have attempted something transformative which we writers dare to call a miracle in the imperfect human idiom we possess. It's to bring Him here in the form a story, and that story is Christ The Lord."

A miracle, you see. I can just see the news now: Anne Rice Heals The Lame And Writes Crappy Book In One Day!

This is straining my Dickensean principles to the max.

ETA: Thanks to jessicareeves we have the entire EW article and excerpted "letter of truth."

"What does it feel like to be Jesus? What did it feel like to be God and Man as a child?"

Tune in for my book when, I, Anne Rice will tell you what it feels like to be Jesus. EXCLUSIVE!

For the first time ever author Laurell K. Hamilton of the 'Anita Blake Vampire Hunter' series visits her official message board.

( And completely loses her shit. )

Resulting fan wankage can be found here and here.

An anonymouse left a pointer to this wank in the last thread, and checking it out, I agree that lo, it is wonderfully wanky.

Laurell K. Hamilton writes books about a vampire heroine named Anita Blake, I believe. Her husband Jon runs a blog for her. (One hopes she writes better than he designs blogs.) Part of the blog is a guest book.

People comment on the guest book that LKH is a lousy writer. Example: I have been a reader for close to 50 years and a reader of serials for almost 40 years and I have never, NEVER, read a series where an author completely undermined, assassinated and betrayed her characters the LKH did.

Husband Jon gets into a hissy fit on the blog. 'm not sure if this is going to be helpful or not, but I'm the kind of person to throw gasoline on a fire. sometimes it puts the fire out, sometimes it just makes it worse. In other words, this is proably going to offend most of you. ( Does that sound foreboding to you? Read on! )

Sorry if this has already been posted somewhere; I couldn't resist.

Courtesy of, oddly enough, my mother:

New York Times article on the Anne Rice-on-Amazon-Debacle, October 11th, 2004: "The People Have Spoken, And Rice Takes Offense", by Sarah Lyall.

Running out of things to iconate? Here, have a telling highlight!

In a telephone interview, Ms. Rice elaborated on the point [her refusal to submit to criticism, constructive or otherwise, from an editor].
"People who find fault and problems with my books tend to say, 'She needs an editor,'" Ms. Rice said. "When a person writes with such care and goes over and over a manuscript and wants every word to be perfect, it's very frustrating."
She added: "When you take home a CD of Pavarotti or Marilyn Horne, you don't want to hear another voice blended in. I feel the same way about Hemingway. If I read it, I don't want to read a new edited version."

And of course everyone's favourite--sing along if you know the words!--

She posted a blistering, 1,200-word defense of her book on the site, laying in to those critics who, she said, were "interrogating this text from the wrong perspective."

I feel sorta warm and fuzzy. Now the whole world can point and laugh like True For-Real Fandom Wankas!

Apparently Anne Rice is upset about some of the reviewers at amazon.com for they have strained her Dickensean principles to the max!

(Scroll about halfway down. You are looking for reviewer "Anne Obrien Rice" and a paragraph that never ends.)

ETA: You will now have to click on "Next" under the customer reviews to locate the "Anne Obrien Rice" review. Just click and scroll down. It's hard to miss.

Also, iconage has happened at fwank_icons.

Son of ETA: Amazon.com seems to have deleted the Anne Obrien Rice review (and the crop of reviews that came after it). Fortunately, some things which are posted on the internet have a way of ( being preserved forever. )

All of this takes place on the official Black Library Forum. Black Library is a subdivision of Games Workshop, which makes the Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 games. They are little metal toy soldiers that you paint and then move around in a vague battle-like way while shouting stats and waving rulers.

Yes.

So, first, we have a kid sayin' what one of the guys at his store told him. Random little fanwank, no big harm, right?

"The GW staff members you know need to be shot for their stupidity, and for breeding sad little half baked ideas among the younger GW goers."

Your standard sad bastard reply, right?

The publisher gets involved, which leads to a very lovely reply, which includes the following:

"First off, I'd love to know where in the seven hells you get off calling me a beardy gamer? To my recollection, not only have we never met face to face, we've never played a game and thusly you have NO basis for calling me a beardy gamer. Wonderful compliment to a reader who's purchased every G&F, Space Wolf, GG, and short story collection the BL has ever put out."

Wow. Dude. Have you noticed you're contradicting yourself?

I thought long and hard about posting this wank as it's my first time. Nevertheless, this one's going to explode pretty soon, if not by the time I've finished writing this.

Poppy Z. Brite is a former horror writer, who's a lot like Anne Rice in that the more you know about her, the less you want to read her books.

And then... Miss Brite finds a community sort of named after her which mixes childfree-ers and yaoi/slash lovers, two of the most explosive materials known to fandom. So she makes a post to it questioning the adoption of a childfree identity. Our lovely mod Kwobtchan tells her she's off-topic while all Miss Brite can do it whine about how this proves she's not one of the "Cool Kids". I recall there being a F_W law about that...

I bet you've never heard of this community before, right? Nor had most people, so this wank would have died, if only Miss Brite hadn't (within minutes of posting and receiving replies, no less!) written about it in her journal. The "Cool Kids" analogy is mentioned yet again.

Have fun! :)

Love her or (more likely) hate her, you can't deny that the woman is an insane egomaniac.

Witness this ramble from her website, in which she tells us how great she is, and why she doesn't require an editor. And also, all those pesky "grammar mistakes" and "continuity errors"? She meant to do that.

( Here are some of the best excerpts for your enjoyment. )

Oh yes, I'm bitter.

Unfortunately there aren't any wanky comments or anything like that as her official site doesn't have a message board, but I think Anne does a good job of wanking on her own.