On a discussion board on WrongPlanet.net, there is a love-in thread for David Tennant, as series 3 of Doctor Who has just started in the US. However, the general love-in turns into a general wank-fest as the thread is hijacked by uber-troll Kosmonaut, thus:

"I think he is completely mis-cast. The worst Doctor i have ever seen; and it's not even close.
If you think Doctor Who should look like a nancy-boy gaytard, then i can see why you like him."

When called on it, he/she responds:

"I don't see how it is homophobic either. He looks gay and he looks retarded. Hence gaytard.
I have the right to express this.
I thought, homophobic meant you hated gay people. I don't see what you are talking about. How can saying someone looks gay be homophobic."

Aaand they're off.

Because really, why hasn't any Doctor Who finale-wank been posted? Are all the wankas too busy wanking themselves?

( Great big honking spoilers for the Doctor Who series 3 finale )

These are by no means all the links related to the wank, so feel free to add links in the comments!

Perhaps a bit old and small, but amusing nontheless.

In a Doctor Who 2-parter aired a few weeks ago, the Doctor -- who's had his memory messed with so he can appear human to hide from aliens or something like that -- keeps a journal in which he sketches portraits of all the previous incarnations of the Doctor. In the shot of this sketchbook, a portrait of Paul McGann is given a prominent place.

The problem is, Paul McGann only played the Doctor once on TV, in the still-controversial 1996 TV Movie. (Look! It's up on teh YouTubes!) Despite the fact this film is eleven years old, some Doctor Who fans still insist that it's not part of the Doctor Who canon for a variety of reasons. (Mostly, because it was filmed in America and they don't like it.)

In a post about this on doctorwho, the_barlow plays devil's advocate (I think) and attempts to stir up the community a bit by saying, "What doth canon mean?" and "How canst one determine canon?" and "Canst the holy writ of thy Lord Russell T. Davies determine canon?" With a healthy dose of "Americans are teh suck!" for good measure.

It's an old argument, I guess, but at least it's not about Rose.

(What kind of heartless person could deny Paul McGann? He's so cute.)

oberon1972 (note the year!) posts to doctorwho (on LJ) with a subject header saying Issueees!:

I must seriously take issue with folk referring to the Doctors as numbers, as in 10, 7, 5 or whatever.

And he throws a "Baker was the BEST" in there too, making several spelling mistakes along the way.

Wank ensues, over, among other things, dates of birth as qualifications for having an opinion on the show:

DOB 1984. Bye, [sic]

Other Whovians take the piss. (See various threads in the original link.)

Then it gets really fun, as oberon1972 makes not one, not two, not three, but FOUR posts to the community proclaiming he's had enough, and he's leaving!

#1:
Sh*t, I apologise. I am clearly wrong.

So I will take my chuff on the chin and let you all carry on.

But then, I have a life to lead, and cant spend all my time arguing about nonsense.

( more behind the cut )

This means that yet more Whovians take the piss with fake good-bye posts and macros.

***

ETA: Bahleeted!

A community mod removed the five entries, after all the comments mysteriously disappeared from them, even though the OP had been banned in the interim.

oberon1972 says: ...it seems the internet is very dangerous place! (ETA: Now locked!)

(Here's screencap of the first three additional posts, soon after they appeared consecutively on the community recent entries page. 'Tis a pity the macros in the comments were lost.)

Thanks ever so much to the lovely drakyndra and lizbee for bringing this to my attention.

So, anyway, in that crazy Who fandom, you either like Rose, or Martha, or something. I dunno, apparently you're not allowed to like both of them, or not have an opinion either way. I don't even watch the show so I really wouldn't mind if they all fell into vats of acid.

ANYWAY. To summarise drakyndra's wank_report post:

malaleen makes a post telling people to STFU about the Rose v. Martha wars, coming down especially hard on the Rosefen. (This has since been locked, though it was originally open to the public.)

The editors at who_daily do what any good fandom newsletter does: finds the potential for a wank explosion, and links to it, whereupon it is besieged by angry Rosefen, who even take the liberty of going to the LJs of those who disagree with them.

All simmers down, yeah?

Nah.

04nbod posts a badly punctuated rant about how horrible the Martha fans are! Of course, Rosefen are awesome. She also apparently copied and pasted quotes from the now flocked post by malaleen, which brings us to the main source of wank: GTFO AND STOP STEALING MY QUOTES!!!!!

The very best part of this wank, referring to people who criticise Rose: Its like mel gibson saying 'jews are responsible for all wars'. Do we let it go because its his opinion? No. Its offensive to people.

Yeah, because criticising Billie Piper's crappy acting is EXACTLY LIKE anti-semitism.

Special bonus! People being jackasses in the wank_report thread!

So over on ol' El Jay, in the usually amusing torch_wood, kastawayking posts about her annoyance with the next to last episode of Torchwood for season 1 (Or episode 1x12 which featured Jack and Jack snogging. It was very, very pretty). Namely her annoyance with the "Bad Wolf" reference.

Then aibhinn mentions the possibility of Rose coming back via the Rift.

And we're off! Enter Doctor/Rose shipper i_bring_u_fire saying that of course they will bring Rose back!

Then kiss_me_quick saying that "Rose was no more important than any other Doctor Who companion."

And then we get into a long thread of "Is too!" "Is not!"

However, enter ryttu3k. Who explains that if Rose/Doctor is canon as asserted by i_bring_u_fire, then so is every Doctor/Companion pair ever

And there was fun had by all!

Originally I wasn't going to post this, but then chaos_theory asked for some Whowank for Christmas. And who am I to say no?

As some of you may remember from a few days ago, batvomit posted on the doctorwho community about the first episode of the last season. I watched 'New Earth' tonight, which reaffirmed my belief that RTD needs to be drug out into the street and shot. (The CW post is here) Well, many posters disagreed with this post and said so in comments.

Fast forward to the next day to this post in which alawston flies in to defend the honour of RTD. Oh yeah and all those who disagree can quite simply, fuck themselves. With a splintered chair leg. Since then, the comm has exploded with posts dealing with Old and New Whoverse. For example, BV feels the need to explain his/her/its comment about RTD being shot. Then we get bemusement over the negative opinions of the new show and finally a post on the "snubbing" of New Who fans.

So, who needs a palate-cleanser after all the HP and b_p things of this last week? I know I do, and this one comes with french fries.

time_and_chips is known to many wankers and many Who fans as the home of the crazy Doctor/Rose fans, who have even acquired their own name: the batchippers. But reassuringly, it also seems to be the home of the sane shippers as well, or at least the "not that crazy" shippers.

When it comes to the first kind, though, range_heidi knows her audience, or at least thinks she does. She posts an internet petition to the community including only two lines of explanation, one being, "If you still need convincing, read my statement and I'm sure you'll be convinced."

What is this incredibly eloquent argument she's sure will win anyone over, and what the petition is about? ( If you're one of the five Americans who has avoided a certain end-season character development and wants to remain unspoiled, this cut is for YOU. )

Startlingly, the community is largely unmoved by this impassioned and exceedingly well-reasoned plea, as several members instantly post comments expressing their devout hope that the range_heidi is joking.

range_heidi wants to know why they would think that.

And it all goes downhill from there.

We get:
- Accusations that people are being insulting.
- Suggestions that K9 the robot dog was better for the Doctor than Rose. (There goes several people's childhoods.)
- Speculation about range_heidi being a troll or sockpuppet. (She is the latter, but like they always do, she claims to have a good reason.)
- Indignant demands to know why someone who dislikes a character in a pairing is in its shipping comm. (With an answer everyone around here can respect.)
- Complaints about how spinoffs are all 'ridiculous'.
- Discussions of how stupid it is to already like Martha when she's never been on-screen.
- The interesting fact that she spammed other communities with this (Here at the least; I cannot explain why she chose to ignore rose_lives, which you'd think would be the obvious choice.)
- Apologies for how omgmean everyone was to the OP.
- A simultaneous case of both whining and attempting to appear superior.
- And, of course, pedantry.

Bonus: that's just the first ten threads! All this, plus an inevitable Fandom Wank name-check. Come on in, folks; it's a Doctor Who wank that isn't largely incomprehensible to outsiders, yet has touches of damn near half the wanks the fandom has had all year, and it's as close to friendly as Who wank gets. All tied up in a shiny bow, just for us. (As seen on clairvoyant wank.)

Well, the BBC just posted pictures for the 3rd season of Dr. Who. And already some people are up in arms.

( Caution for those Americans who somehow have no clue what happens at the end of season 2, this will be spoilery )

Yes, the Doctor Who fandom has done it again - and it isn't the shippers, this time around.

What it is however, is an extremely tl;dr debate about the suitability or lack thereof of the name "Martha" for a young black women.

( Cut for Series Three spoilers )

With thanks to anne_noonlight for pointing this out to me, and finding some good quotes.

I feel sort of guilty for posting this - I am a part of the community. It's full of nice, if slightly odd people (but nice-and-slightly-odd is a requirement for being a Who fan...)

Anyway... this isn't just Slash!wank, but Asexuality!Wank. Let's just call it Ultimate Nostalgia Bingo Wank!

vandonovan comes into the doctorwho comm on LJ to inquire about a Doctor/Doctor slash comm.

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10124474#t10124474

There must and shall be Doctor/Doctor slash, oui? There must and shall be wank!

Highlights:

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10080186#t10080186

- Masturbation - nah, not wanky, but funny in an utterly bemused way.

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10083514#t10083514

- irkthepurist is disturbed. vandonovan calls "homophobe!"

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10085050#t10085050

- slash of your own fandon = Brain Bleach? But other slash is OK!

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10090426#t10090426

- mrtreacle, the wankeur supremo, reassures himself that the "sick and childish and sexually inadequate" must have their fun too!

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10133434#t10133434

- suitandtieguy claims "juvenile literary rape".


But at least they realise what they're doing...

http://community.livejournal.com/doctorwho/794298.html?thread=10124474#t10124474

ETA: turned on autoformat.

So, last Saturday, the Doctor Who episode School Reunion screened. And some people were... not happy about certain aspects of the episode - namely, to do with sex and love.

( Cut for spoilers up to series two, episodes 3 (and 4), and the anti-sex brigade )

Funny how so many fans convinced that the Doctor is asexual seem to be able to find sexuality absolutely everywhere in the show, huh? It's worse than the Gay Agenda.

As a final note: Do people recall this Doctor Who wank on a similar topic? It was about a spoiler for an episode this season.

Well, that episode screens tonight. Be prepared for the anti-sex people above and the shippers to all go completely mental.

So how'd we all go on the Wankpocalypse Bingo?

(With thanks to nostalgia for pointing me to some of the best and craziest quotes. And the bingo card)

Points of View is the BBC's very own public feedback forum. It's a delightful place full of jolly British sorts having affable debates over a cup of English Breakfast whilst outside you can hear the crack of leather against willow and the merry sound of the larks. No, really.

Okay, I'm lying. It's full of tabloid-reading homophobes bitching about Doctor Who and the gay agenda. For fifteen pages.

Brodley gets the ball rolling. As it were. Nothing funny. He just dislikes the gay:
After having to suffer the blatant 'Captain Jack et al' gay propoganda in the first new series of Dr Who I am very disappointed that the second series is following the same trend. The Doctor's camp 'dance' in the first episode was totally unnecessary, and more seriously, notice how the Doctor accuses one of the characters in tonights episode of having fun with the athletic bald 'monks' whilst his wife was away. This programme is family entertainment and should not be used to distribute propaganda for the gay lobby. Can someone from within the BBC forward this to the Director General and ask when Russell T Davies is going to be sacked, Dr Who is family entertainment and NOT 'Queer as folk'! From a very disappointed and worried parent!

TwoBitTwoBit sucks come succumbs:
"I'd love to stay and discuss this but after watching tonight's episode of Doctor Who I'm off for a night out in Canal Street, Manchester wearing leather trousers and a feather boa."

gatekeeper9696 lets those gayers know what's what:
"I myself have no problem with the Gay comuunity as long as they leave me alone then i leave them alone "let bygones be bygones " as the old saying goes!! Thing is you have to be very careful these days and i guess like me you don't wish to be branded homophobic? i agree that a family show should not show issues like this in strong nature, but what have they shown... Nothing! they have only mentioned about certain peoples sexuallity!"

JamesBolivar likes a bit of well-lubed realism:
"Most conversation is littered with innuendo and sexual references, we flirt all the time; this is normal. Why shouldn't a drama reflect the sexual obsessions of the wider society?

But Quizzimodo makes certain nobody could accuse him of dodgy business:
"Not the conversations we have with our children."

scottie84 brings the voice of snark reason:

"As for how Doctor Who "should't" be camp or include innuendo... Clearly the classic series is being viewed with rose-tinted glasses? What about these lines of dialogue, all from the original run?

"Men out there - young men - are dying for it!"

"Harry here is only qualified to work on sailors..."

"I'm a past master at the double entry..."

"How can Earthlings have penetrated us?"

And the list goes on...

It's a family show, designed to entertain on many levels. It does just that: there is no gay propaganda."

MoonMan is alarmed at the idea of teaching kids about sex:
"Oh well let's show porn on Blue Peter then...
you're argument is a paedophile's charter"

edbonl confuses America with Harmonians:
And it goes on. And on. For 15 pages.

(Warning: most of this wank deals with a spoiler about Episode 4 of the second/twenty-eighth season. Consider this your spoiler warning).

So in the 2005 season of Doctor Who lots of people decided that Rose and the Doctor were in love 4eva (myself included). However, for some of these fans, the thought of anything coming between that OTP is a fate too horrible to describe. Cue spoilers and we get:

The main shipper community, saddened and horrified.

Clever jokes like "madame de poo poo".

"It's not that he didn't love previous companions, but I still think it was the kind of way that you love your cat. As opposed to seeing Rose as more of an equal."

"The problem I have with this is that he's the last of his species. If he gets romantic again, he's going to have to go for a different species, and you know, that's just wrong."

"This is what you get when you bring The Doctor's real gf on set."

The shippers then realize that, at some point, Rose will have to leave the series (Imagine! Companions leaving!) We get two threads on this with such stellar ideas as making Rose a Time Lady (so, in other words, Romana) or making her regenerate (or else "I would lose my interest in the show and my faith in the writers would be smashed.")

The winner is nostalgia (who got all these links together and also made the icons) for her Wankpocalypse Bingo card: ( Wank, in handy illustrated form! )

A little Dr. Who wank for your Sunday morning, much thanks to a mousey over at wank_report.

Over at time_and_chips a Dr/Rose shipping comm on ElJay, in between the fics, wallpapers and OMGTHEYHELDHANDSSQUEEEE!!!! smeggys_world poses a question for her fic about what exactly is Rose's heritage.

ragdoll Wades in with a vast generalisation for an answer. But she is clearly a filthy, no nothing foreigner so this pisses people, and by people I mean uktechgirl, off.

*BOOM* You just know when someone starts a comment with the words "Not meaning to be an arsehole or anything" it's not going to be pretty.

After a bit of back and forth "my knowledge of England's genetic heritage is better than yours so nyaaah!" squabbling they both apologise for being wanky and simmer down once more.

Until shadowjewel and her superpowers of bloody awful spelling (anyone else stunned by the fact she can manage genes and misconceptions but messes up handfull and tiptow?) crash in for another crack.

When they're not whining about another male character hitting on their precious allegedly asexual Doctor or about shipper fics, they're whining about the sudden coolness of Doctor Who.

Doctor Who is cool! That's good! Oh, wait, it's not. Boo.

Replies boil down to Damn you fangirls! How dare you think Christopher Eccleston is attractive? and I thought the Fifth Doctor was hot, but I'm not a silly fangirl! Really!

We also have This is not what the Doctor would have wanted! and how we should be accepting of everybody.

Luckily there's also some I got friend interested in the older series because of the new series

And of course Dude, relax, it's just a tv show.

ETA: Deleted. Too bad. Oh well, I'm sure they'll have something wank about next Saturday when the current series ends.

Anyone writing DW slash which features the Doctor having sex is watching the wrong program. Go play with SG1 or something, cos you clearly havn't a clue what the hell DW is about.

Yes. It's the Doctor again

I won't employ expletives cos even that won't get across how angry I am at some of the trash I've seen in the last couple of days.

This is a fairly self-contained (and self-explanatory) wank, but it bred 59 comments ion half-an-hour. I had a suspicion this would happen when lj-literate fangirls started to tread in the world of old-school flame-keepers. It's like LOTR all over again.

(Also I made one comment, but I don't think it's enough for "i_wank".)

Two classic elements of British Broadcasting culture come together, in messy array.

Doctor Who, the televisual delight of several generations, has a new series out. There is much rejoicing.

Points of View is a classic pool of spooge for the BBC. Irate viewers and listeners from the English heartlands have free reign to generally rant and rave about their pet broadcasting irks. Sort of like Livejournal, only the taxpayer pays for it.

John Blewitt (he didn't) is one of these people.

The Reverend demands LOVE, not FEAR.

"I am a preacher in the Methodist Church and I was completely shocked and unprepared for the Dr Who episode broadcast on Saturday 09 April 05.
The subject matter is very REAL and such activities as seances and contacting the dead DO HAPPEN today with disastrous consequences many times. Messing about with spiritual areas we cannot control should not be done - this is clear from the Bible.
Apart from my disquiet about the content of Dr Who, I was also concerned that it was screened at 7.00 pm when many young and vulnerable people would have been watching. In a day when Christian values seem almost to have been forgotten we need to remember again that LOVE not FEAR should be at the centre of our community and national life."

Fairly standard responses, so far. The "You're a fool, and you don't understand the underlying moral!!" posts. The sarcastic faux support. The accusations of  BBC sockpuppetry. The "Ha, a Christian being upset about fiction!" posts.

Not to mention the illiterate trolls, stating that "popes, preachers programmes like dr Who are all daft and the loonies who listen and watch are nuts." And of course, where would we be without the classic self-incriminating "you should probably add people who post on the points of view message board to that list too".

All in all, a tasty little Saturday tea-time wank.

It's far too vague and Usenetty to call a proper wank, so I apologise for a lack of links, but reading all the rants from hardcore Doctor Who fans who hate Christopher Eccleston for leaving is too much fun to leave alone.

The posters got so heated that major registration-only board Outpost Gallifrey allegedly had to close down for a while and the bitching has overtaken discussion of the actual new series. An added layer of fun is that the original quitting announcement was made very close to April Fools' Day.

(some links might be spoilery)

( quick background )

( one man's point of view )

Futurewank alert - David Tennant, the most likely candidate for Eccleston's replacement, is appearing in the next Harry Potter film...

The new Doctor Who series is scheduled to be shown in the UK at the end of March. However, an un-tidied-up copy of the first episode has already been leaked onto the internet. The Beeb are annoyed.

Hence, the inevitable spoiler wank (and, yes, here be spoilers):

Damn Americans and your spoilers!

How dare you post spoilers behind a cut tag that I inevitably must click on because I have no will power?!

Note to computer: Download faster, goldangit!