I'm sure everyone remembers the Snapewives... Well, they now have company on the astral plane. That's right folks, buckle your seat belts and put your tray tables in their upright position, because the astral plane is about to take off and your in-flight movie is "Snapes on a Plane 2: Severusmoms".

It all begins at the LJ of mike_smith, a journal half dedicated to "crapping all over Harry Potter books" (that's what it says in the user info). Insane Snapefan oryx_leucoryx shows up to wank in the comments to this post while soldurios, a sane Slytherin fan, attempts reason with her.

At one point, oryx_leucoryx swears up and down that Snape could totally still be alive in canon until soldurios gets oryx to briefly admit that she doesn't give a crap about what really happened in canon and just wants validation for her pet theories and wants:

oryx_leucoryx
...The book says Severus moved no more, but that what OOTP says of Minerva when she was attacked by Aurors and we know she lived. So no, there is no body. Albus' portrait showed up within the same night he died, Severus' had yet to show up by the time of Harry's last documented visit in the Headmaster's office. Rowling's non-canon explanation of that is lame. I take it as the castle's magic not noticing the death of a Headmaster (or former Headmaster) because said Headmaster was still alive. Of course Harry has no idea, if Severus wants to leave Wizarding Britain he wouldn't let Harry know.

Of course I want Severus to live. But more than that, I want him to have the acknowledgment he deserved. By the text. In canon. Harry telling his son 19 years later (and in secret, without the other son hearing, and only at a time of crisis) that Severus was the bravest man he ever knew doesn't quite cut it. Since he doesn't get that acknowledgment I take what I can from the text, and I don't care what Rowling thinks.

soldurios
He moved no more.

Canon text does not continue on to say "And then he moved to a small resort town in jolly old England and got himself a website."

Moving no more means dead. He is dead. He's not helping people being bullied. He's not warning parents about their wizarding kids! He's passed on! This potions master is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his train station! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If he wasn't rotting in the shack, he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleeding choir invisible!

This is an ex-Snape!

...Did you really need an autopsy done on Snape and for Rowling to go over it detail by detail in order to prove that he is, in fact, wormfood by now?

oryx_leucoryx
...So I want to see Minerva bringing his body to the Great Hall where all the other bodies were laid out. And Harry facing his portrait. At the very least. If Rowling can't bring herself to write that then as far as I'm concerned he lives. Call it my revenge.

Then, mary_j_59 shows up to support oryx_leucoryx and throws soldurios into disbelief that there could be two of them:

mary_j_59
It is not canon that Severus is alive. Nor is it canon that he is dead. And yes, he died protecting Draco, if you assume him dead.

If some of us prefer to assume him alive, there is nothing at all in canon to keep us from thinking so.

soldurios
At this point, I am under the belief that you or Oryx are sockpuppets of one another. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom the idea that over one person in this fandom actually believes that Snape didn't die in canon.

It is just way too much to buy into. I mean, at least the Harmoanians realized that their ship didn't sail in canon. You've just surpassed them and went right over the edge of the earth.

I remain floored by your ability to ignore everything cited above as canon. But I cannot accept that another shares your feelings in this.

Well, not unless you two are Snapewives. That'd explain it all and I'd simply back off right now.

oryx_leucoryx
Not Snapewives, maybe Severusmoms describes us better. He's my boy and I'm proud of him. When I put down HBP I just wanted to hold Severus tight and promise to never leave him.

But as to whether he died in canon - that depends on whether you are a reader who trusts Rowling or one who doesn't. If you don't trust her any loophole she didn't close is kosher.

And there you have it. First there were Snapewives, and now there are Severusmoms. Snape fandom has just kicked it up a notch from batshit insane to bugfuck bonkers.

Remember the last HP wank - Hermione Granger - Voldemort in the making? Here we have Episode II.

The OP in the previous wank terri_testing wrote a fanfic about Dumbledore's childhood. People in the comments started to argue with each other and wankery ensued.

marionros, who during the previous wank diagnosed Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, the Twins, James and Sirius as psychopaths, insisted that Harry, Hermione and Dumbledore have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Lily also has NPD.

And what the heck, so does JKR herself.

My issues, let me show you them.

Snape is a victim of narcissist.

Hermione isn't intelligent and she has bad studying skills.

Pureblood prejudice is probably justified.

James was ever so evil.

JKR doesn't know Neville like I do.

Why did students hate Snape for insulting them? My teachers insulted me and I loved them!

Harry is like a suicide bomber and Dumbledore is like Osama bin Laden.

The whole Wizarding World is a cult, Dumbledore is a cult leader and Harry and Hermione are completely brainwashed.

Because of the Marauders' bullying Snape suffered from PTSD like Vietnam veteran, which justifies his treatment of Harry.

Snape was pressured into joining the Death Eaters.

You call my argument sick, but you find me hot!

A Slytherfan terri_testing writes an essay The Wizarding World and the Otherworld, where she argues that Harry Potter books are horror, not fantasy and that Hogwarts is like the school where the Native American children were brainwashed:

( Read more )

The essay provokes a chorus of "I agree"s and complaints about JKR's treatment of Snape:

mary_j_59 (see "Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!")

This is brilliant, Terri! And absolutely consistent. You know, my sister and I went to hear Rowling, Irving and King in NYC, and we both liked John Irving (reading from Owen Meany) best. Now the reason is clear. Rowling is actually a horror writer, like King, and I do not like horror. Still less do I like horror disguised as a children's fantasy quest. Irving, on the other hand, was writing in the great tradition of picaresque novels - a tragicomedy with a moral core.

But what I still wonder is: did (and does) Rowling know that she has actually written a dystopion/horror story? Somehow I don't think she realizes this.

condwiramurs/00sevvie

I second the 'brilliant' comment. And I highly doubt Rowling is aware of what she has actually written. She is too utterly blind to the reasons we like Severus, for example, to have any clue that she may have written something different from what her perfect picture of her work in her head is. I'm sure she thinks we're just getting it 'wrong.'

oryx_leucoryx (see Cry the Beloved Slytherins)

So if Severus Snape actually survived Nagini's bite, returned to the Muggle world and became some kind of counselor to delinquent youth or someone who runs an anti-bullying program (by working both with victims and perpetrators) he would be a hero with a rather protracted but complete journey? Starting out as the victim of neighborhood bullies (I doubt Petunia was the only one who knew that the strangely dressed kid was the Snape boy from Spinner's End) who must have dreamed that magic would solve his problems, learned that magic simply gave bullies more dangerous/'interesting' ways to hurt people, played a key role in getting rid of the biggest bully in the magical playground and came home to use non-magical ways against bullies?
***
bohemian_spirit has some fics in that general direction - in her 'Light Between the Cracks' series Severus Snape of canon years was secretly married to a Muggle school teacher and while at his Muggle home watched over the neighborhood children. And in her 'Professor Grunge' Severus immigrates to the US instead of joining the Death Eaters. He studies at a wizarding university and becomes a teacher who fights bullying and uses music to assist in magical healing.

But the real fun starts when night_train_fm decides to argue with terri_testing and says, among other things:

'Hermione exiling her parents to Australia'
She did that because she was terrified (with good reason) of the DEs coming after them: Voldemort was taking over the government, had already ordered several public mass-Muggle-killings, and anyone remotely connected to Harry was a potential target. According to Jo, Hermione reversed the spell ASAP once the threat was over. For that matter, is it ever outright stated that she didn't sit down and discuss it with them first?

That doesn't go well.

( Hermione is teh ebil! )

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

As wanks go, this one is pretty mild -- being on the web site of a newspaper and all -- but it's got some goodies in there.

Someone going by the name of "Bidisha" writes a piece in the Guardian about the HP films, decrying them as "safe" and wishing for a director who'd really grasp the dark aspects of the books. Someone like, say, David Lynch. Or David Cronenberg. Or Kathryn Bigelow. No, really.

Thus we get the allcaps abuse quoted in the title of this post and other amusing bits:

"David Lynch would fill Hogwarts with dwarfs and introduce a strange woman whose best friend was a fish or something."

"Oh gosh, yes, a slash film by pointless gibberish merchant David Lynch would be the perfect adaptation for the next Potter book. Mercy me."
(I think the poster may have meant "slasher", but I'm not sure.)

"I read the first book and found it tedious, snobbish and ill-written. Anyway the books are basically about school and as I hated school they have little appeal for me. If adults must read books about school then try "Tom Brown's School Days" - much better written."

"Homoerotic obsession with Draco Malfoy? Rubbish. Harry's obsession was based on hatred and suspicion, not the desire to jump his bones. Why read into it something that isn't there?"
(Ahahahahaha. Oh, dear poster, stay away from fandom.)

(Is it wrong of me to actually want to know what Harry Potter by way of David Cronenberg would be like?)

4Kids (the company best known for unleashing Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh! on American audiences) announced today that they have the rights to One Piece.

Wank, predictably, enuses.

Posters at AnimeonDVD and Anime News Network threaten bodily harm to 4Kids representatives, fear the loss of fansubs, and talk of buying bootlegs.

Over on LJ, the one_piece comm really brings the splooge, with some of the best reactions yet.

Funimation is the devil! (Despite their efforts to improve and release both flavors of Dragonball Z.)

My favorite, "I don't want all those little kids getting posessive over it." Because, y'know, it's a kids show, and God forbid children should watch and get into it.

"Won't someone think of the fanfiction?!?!"

"p433r teh legions of idiots who will join our c0mm!!11"

*waits for 4Kids to announce they have the rights to Naruto*

(Warning: It's on Gaia, so 56k'ers beware. However--holy shit--it's about fandom.)

The Anime/Manga/Comics forum is a cesspool of squealing over the newest hotness in anime. Most of the discussions that go on there are rehashes of topics done numerous times, and are more demonstrations of the posters' lack of any sentience whatsoever than actual topics.

So when I first saw this topic, I had high hopes. Which were quickly dashed when I decided to actually...you know...read it.

( I was going to attempt a Cliff's Notes, but the pseudointellectualism blinded me. )

So, yeah. Be prepared for (omg!) heavy reading.

[edit]Oh baby, trolls!

Speaking of which...I never linked the other parts of the wank.

First, the wank about whether American comics are d33p and 3dgy. Starts at the bottom of page one, continues.

Next, In which Koko's Americanness is called into question. (I think this continues for like...two or three pages.)

More to be added as I finish backlogging.