First attempt at posting, although I've been barracking from the sidelines for about a millennium now ...

astolat posts A Matter Of Inconvenience, which is American Idol slashfic (Kris/Adam) with a 'Regency' setting. At least, that's the general idea, and harmless enough you would have thought - assuming that AI AU RPS is your thing. (Alphabet soup!)

zvi, however, takes exception. Amongst other objections, A Matter of Inconvenience is not about race, thoughtlessly invokes colonial issues, and just doesn't put up any warning flags for those who are about to read it. Also, apparently, this is a thing Astolat fucked up. Everybody, please to endeavor not to fuck up like that with your next happy fun sexytimes historical.

What starts off as moderately polite discussion about historicity in slash fanfiction is, however, quickly derailed by willow who offers the following reasoned evaluation: In the middle of the cuppa tea, the empire waist dresses and the ass-sex of your AU Regency - please to be remembering the hydra heads of colonialism and imperialism and what that means for and about your whitey white penis salt lick fan thought of the moment.

liviapenn tries to calm things down a bit with some entertaining stuff about plumbers and blow jobs but this only serves to upset willow further. Why is it that everytime I see you lately, you're happily shoving your foot into your mouth via your hindquarters? ... You keep claiming to understand your privilege and say you're reflecting on it and then you start chomping that feces encrusted shoe leather again. willow's User Info states "'M brown and I have an attitude." No kidding.

astolat's attempt to explain herself gets stomped on, and the desirability of historical accuracy in a Kris/Adam Regency alternate universe is lathered, rinsed and repeated for those who missed it the first time.

Small, but strangely vitriolic given the subject matter. It's difficult to imagine why people are getting quite so over-excited about one piece of costumed fluff in a universe of lesbian cars and tentacle porn, but it may keep us entertained while we're waiting for next incarnation of VB.

ETA: Okay, I get the message, I got it wrong - or maybe I just don't have a sense of humour? Either way, it was obviously a bad call. Lesson learned.

Remember the last HP wank - Hermione Granger - Voldemort in the making? Here we have Episode II.

The OP in the previous wank terri_testing wrote a fanfic about Dumbledore's childhood. People in the comments started to argue with each other and wankery ensued.

marionros, who during the previous wank diagnosed Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, the Twins, James and Sirius as psychopaths, insisted that Harry, Hermione and Dumbledore have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Lily also has NPD.

And what the heck, so does JKR herself.

My issues, let me show you them.

Snape is a victim of narcissist.

Hermione isn't intelligent and she has bad studying skills.

Pureblood prejudice is probably justified.

James was ever so evil.

JKR doesn't know Neville like I do.

Why did students hate Snape for insulting them? My teachers insulted me and I loved them!

Harry is like a suicide bomber and Dumbledore is like Osama bin Laden.

The whole Wizarding World is a cult, Dumbledore is a cult leader and Harry and Hermione are completely brainwashed.

Because of the Marauders' bullying Snape suffered from PTSD like Vietnam veteran, which justifies his treatment of Harry.

Snape was pressured into joining the Death Eaters.

You call my argument sick, but you find me hot!

A Slytherfan terri_testing writes an essay The Wizarding World and the Otherworld, where she argues that Harry Potter books are horror, not fantasy and that Hogwarts is like the school where the Native American children were brainwashed:

( Read more )

The essay provokes a chorus of "I agree"s and complaints about JKR's treatment of Snape:

mary_j_59 (see "Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!")

This is brilliant, Terri! And absolutely consistent. You know, my sister and I went to hear Rowling, Irving and King in NYC, and we both liked John Irving (reading from Owen Meany) best. Now the reason is clear. Rowling is actually a horror writer, like King, and I do not like horror. Still less do I like horror disguised as a children's fantasy quest. Irving, on the other hand, was writing in the great tradition of picaresque novels - a tragicomedy with a moral core.

But what I still wonder is: did (and does) Rowling know that she has actually written a dystopion/horror story? Somehow I don't think she realizes this.

condwiramurs/00sevvie

I second the 'brilliant' comment. And I highly doubt Rowling is aware of what she has actually written. She is too utterly blind to the reasons we like Severus, for example, to have any clue that she may have written something different from what her perfect picture of her work in her head is. I'm sure she thinks we're just getting it 'wrong.'

oryx_leucoryx (see Cry the Beloved Slytherins)

So if Severus Snape actually survived Nagini's bite, returned to the Muggle world and became some kind of counselor to delinquent youth or someone who runs an anti-bullying program (by working both with victims and perpetrators) he would be a hero with a rather protracted but complete journey? Starting out as the victim of neighborhood bullies (I doubt Petunia was the only one who knew that the strangely dressed kid was the Snape boy from Spinner's End) who must have dreamed that magic would solve his problems, learned that magic simply gave bullies more dangerous/'interesting' ways to hurt people, played a key role in getting rid of the biggest bully in the magical playground and came home to use non-magical ways against bullies?
***
bohemian_spirit has some fics in that general direction - in her 'Light Between the Cracks' series Severus Snape of canon years was secretly married to a Muggle school teacher and while at his Muggle home watched over the neighborhood children. And in her 'Professor Grunge' Severus immigrates to the US instead of joining the Death Eaters. He studies at a wizarding university and becomes a teacher who fights bullying and uses music to assist in magical healing.

But the real fun starts when night_train_fm decides to argue with terri_testing and says, among other things:

'Hermione exiling her parents to Australia'
She did that because she was terrified (with good reason) of the DEs coming after them: Voldemort was taking over the government, had already ordered several public mass-Muggle-killings, and anyone remotely connected to Harry was a potential target. According to Jo, Hermione reversed the spell ASAP once the threat was over. For that matter, is it ever outright stated that she didn't sit down and discuss it with them first?

That doesn't go well.

( Hermione is teh ebil! )

As those of you who haven't been living under a rock may know, a new Star Trek movie just came out. Over on fanficrants, roq is upset about this. Apparently, TEENAGERS are now WRITING in HER fandom! Quelle suprise!

She has some choice words to say about it.

( Wank long and prosper )

nikkitrix admits that she has a sockpuppet in every house at Hogwarts Elite.

This doesn't even register to many of the people squibbing her application at sorting_elite.

ETA: Some highlights before I go to work:
Psychiatrist!Anon diagnoses.
But what about our trust?
HEADMISTRESS ABUSES HER MANIFOLD ~*~POWERZ~*~

And, according to Nikki's house descriptions:
RAVENCLAW FULL OF BITCHTASTIC SNOBCAKES!
"Full of mouth-breathing wikipedia editors with nothing better to do than enter elitist fan contests."
THERE ARE DORKS IN SLYTHERIN!
"Lots of dorky goths in this house."
GRYFFINDOR RESEMBLES BEATEN PUPPIES!
"Ah, they've got it all. The dullness of the Ravenclaws, the lackluster talent of the Hufflepuffs and the apathy of the Slytherins."
BUT CONGRATULATIONS TO HUFFLEPUFF ON BEING SASSY!
"totally the house of chubby chicks and soccer moms"

Also, I hate Rich Text mode. With burning.

...And all sorts of wank breaks loose!

Of course, ONTD is on the scene with a cover of Clay and his (imho) adorable son Parker. There's also a video (which I'm afraid to load on my pee oh ess computer).

And then we find in the comments that obsessive Claymates really go over the top.

The Clayboard has placed a temporary ban on discussing the People article until all of the mods can be reached. They have to discuss how to handle the issue, or something.

And in this article by The New York Daily News, it's mentioned that the mother of baby Parker was inseminated using artificial insemination. (Awkward sentence, it is awkward.)

( ETAs under cut. )

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Via SevMousie at wank_report, a small but amusing wank from Harry Potter, the fandom that keeps on giving even when it probably shouldn't. Consider this a refreshing between-courses sorbet alongside the feast of wank that is Lexicongate.

As a thank-you to certain key people involved in the process of publishing HP, J.K. Rowling has created seven handwritten copies of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, the book of children's stories which played a pivotal role in DH. Only six of these will be given as gifts, however: the seventh is to be auctioned off, with the proceeds going to charity. To the untrained eye, it may appear that JKR has created a set of interesting, unique, labor-intensive thank-you presents for her close associates, and found yet another way to rack up cash for deserving charities. But those of us in the HP fandom know that everything JKR does is actually OMG TEH EBIL.

Sarah over at Luxist, apparently unable to distinguish between a new HP book and a rare HP collectible, is butt-hurt because she can't have a copy because JKR is ( discriminating against the poor, y'all. )

The original post is wanky enough but, as always, the real onanism is to be found in the comments.

There's ( bawwwing about the limited-edition, handwritten book not being widely available. )

There's ( classwank. )

And of course, there are ( hysterics over the shocking news that Dumbledore is STILL GAY. )

...on and on ad nauseum. It's kind of like a bloody proletariat uprising, except stupid. And with more spelling errors.

I posted the news story in fandom_lounge originally, but it looks like the wank has arrived.

HP Lexicon wants to publish the site as a book.

JK Rowling and her lawyers are not pleased.

People are not pleased that JK Rowling is not pleased ("That fucking bitch.... But that's not good enough for Ms. Anne Rice, Jr. No. It has to be her way or the highway").

Over at Fandom Lounge, Defensive Mouse Is Defensive.

More importantly, Dumbledore is still gay.

More coming as it turns up. Because I'm pretty sure more is coming.

ETA: Ah, here we go. Points of interest, including a few from the FL comments: ( Read more... )

ETA 2: Aaaaand we have Godwin's law: ( Read more... )

ETA 3: It's for the children, y'all.

ETA 4: The publisher responds. THE CHILDREN, WHY WON'T YOU THINK OF THEM?! ( Read more... )

ETA 5: From pyratejenni: The best explanation of the legal situation that I've seen so far.

From the Self-Aggrandizing Department of Wankery, long-winded wanker fpb responds to Dumbledore's outing. He includes part of a poem he wrote to the woman he's married to in his head, Debbie:

Love is more likely to make Bayard or Achilles into a terrified sheep; or, as I put it rather more poetically in some lines to Debbie,

O Love, the mountains bend their proud heads down,
And lions hide in your lap their royal frown.

There's some ...interesting.... comments. ataniell93 tosses her in two cents, and adds the only bit of common sense in the post:

If a man kept hanging around my house and never rang my doorbell 40 times, I'd call the police. I wouldn't want a man with a chest monster to court me but I'm not into creepy stalkers either. Guy hangs around and stares and never speaks, convinced he's unworthy of your love--next thing you know he's shooting the President and telling everybody he did it because you're so wonderful.

fpb responds:

Honey - I described my own behaviour. I thought I had made that clear enough. You are either extremely foolish or so caught up in modern crap notions about "stalkers" that you cannot tell the difference. Either way, you have completely failed to understand what I was saying.

Well, if you wanted to unleash a roaring animal, you just managed it. I am angry and disgusted at your reaction.

No response from ataniell93, but she's probably looking for a rolled-up newspaper to swat the roaring animal.

And he goes on again about how JKR Was Wrong. There's even a mention about how someone lied about his views on F_W to make him look like a racist. And here I thought he did that all by himself!

ETA: johncwright: squeeing FPB fanboy or squeeing FPB fanboy in WUV?

Pretty much all taken straight from wank_report and clairvoyantwank, because I'm not brave enough to wade through the storm of crazy.

So as the Internet knows by now, Dumbledore is gay.

Some people are elated. Others -- not so much.

ONTD is, as ever, a hive of wank and villainy.

And as always, FAP lives up to its name.

At westeros.org, the issue of interview canon is raised.

LJ seems mostly elated, although there are a few gems: Not that I have anything against gays, but DUMBLEDORE?, JKR is a huge whore! and JKR is a cunt! ETA: Also Dumbledore is the good kind of gay. The dead kind. And queer_rage is even more vitriolic, calling her a hypocritical piece of privileged fucking shit. (Apparently, JKR was never a welfare mom.) On the other side of the argument, how could I forget about antiyaoi? You know, I'm starting to think I might have been wrong about LJ being elated.

Leaky Cauldron, HPANA, and MuggleNet have their fair share of "EWW!" and "She should have done it IN THE BOOKS!" in the comments. (Feel free to hunt for gems. My eyes start to glaze over when I try.)

Things really get interesting on Sword of Gryffindor, where Travis Prinzi rightly fears what the "anti-Potter culture war Christians" will make of this. RC and Richard Abanes seem happy enough to commence with the Rowling-bashing.

The post will be updated as The Crazy spreads.

(The title for this post, by the way, is Cleolinda's someone else's doing, not mine, lest everyone think I'm more clever than I actually am.)

ETA: "JKR is a huge whore" is gone. Does anyone have screencaps? Also, there are Harmonians. There are always Harmonians.

ETA II: Usenet: Wanking It Old-Skool! Ah, it warms the cockles of my shriveled heart. Laura Mallory is a nutter, but that's not exactly news anymore.