c/p'd from Mousie's hard work:

Emma Watson is guest editing a British magazine that comes out on Thursday.

In it, supposedly JK Rowling shares her regret for making a certain pairing canon over another one.

Nowadays she admits she got it wrong - she should have shipped Harry / Hermione.

( You can see where this is going )
The actual article is slated to come out on Thursday. Prepare yourselves for the Second Coming...

The third artbook unmasked has been released, and according to some mice in wank_report, a pet theory brewed in Bleach Asylum has been jossed with a vengeance!

Before we start, some backstory on why this is so wanky:
( Alongside some spoilers for Aizen's gambits and ambitions )

It soon became a hotly debated topic, because the manga was so vague as to when it was placed inside of her. The rabid Rukia fans naturally sticking to their story, while other fans thinking it's a little bit too much of a gambit, played out beautifully on Bleach Asylum. (Unfortunately the OP deleted her first post, but it's suggested to read anything she posts for a glimpse of how adamant fans were about this.)

So OF COURSE, when the new databook comes out and reveals that ( the mini-spoiler here sent said theory to Hell ), things do not go well.

- athena/qwirky breaks the news

- debbiechan feels betrayed and needs the weekend to be okay with the news

Inuhanyou speaks up and tries to reason by stating the Kubo trolls all the time, so it shouldn't be a surprise that he's "retconning" this, and jilted lover deebiechan is not happy with this.

( Wah wah out pet theory got jossed WAH WAH sensei HDU )

Cue many, many more pages of fans not taking it well when their shit got Joss'ed. Fun, fun, fun.

There has been some more wank on bleachness about Orihime's latest apparitions, but that one is... not so funny. It involves ableism, so I may throw it into unfunny_fandom instead. ETA: Posted here, check at your own risk.

PS: No one cares about Bleach wank anymore! I know it! I'll comment and whine here to prove it! NO ONE CAAAARES!

Son of an ETA: Isn't UlquiHime sooooooo canon even when he's ded, u gaiz?

Grandchild of an ETA: Ulquiorra's death is confirmed. Hilarity keeps ensuing.

I'm sure everyone remembers the Snapewives... Well, they now have company on the astral plane. That's right folks, buckle your seat belts and put your tray tables in their upright position, because the astral plane is about to take off and your in-flight movie is "Snapes on a Plane 2: Severusmoms".

It all begins at the LJ of mike_smith, a journal half dedicated to "crapping all over Harry Potter books" (that's what it says in the user info). Insane Snapefan oryx_leucoryx shows up to wank in the comments to this post while soldurios, a sane Slytherin fan, attempts reason with her.

At one point, oryx_leucoryx swears up and down that Snape could totally still be alive in canon until soldurios gets oryx to briefly admit that she doesn't give a crap about what really happened in canon and just wants validation for her pet theories and wants:

oryx_leucoryx
...The book says Severus moved no more, but that what OOTP says of Minerva when she was attacked by Aurors and we know she lived. So no, there is no body. Albus' portrait showed up within the same night he died, Severus' had yet to show up by the time of Harry's last documented visit in the Headmaster's office. Rowling's non-canon explanation of that is lame. I take it as the castle's magic not noticing the death of a Headmaster (or former Headmaster) because said Headmaster was still alive. Of course Harry has no idea, if Severus wants to leave Wizarding Britain he wouldn't let Harry know.

Of course I want Severus to live. But more than that, I want him to have the acknowledgment he deserved. By the text. In canon. Harry telling his son 19 years later (and in secret, without the other son hearing, and only at a time of crisis) that Severus was the bravest man he ever knew doesn't quite cut it. Since he doesn't get that acknowledgment I take what I can from the text, and I don't care what Rowling thinks.

soldurios
He moved no more.

Canon text does not continue on to say "And then he moved to a small resort town in jolly old England and got himself a website."

Moving no more means dead. He is dead. He's not helping people being bullied. He's not warning parents about their wizarding kids! He's passed on! This potions master is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his train station! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If he wasn't rotting in the shack, he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleeding choir invisible!

This is an ex-Snape!

...Did you really need an autopsy done on Snape and for Rowling to go over it detail by detail in order to prove that he is, in fact, wormfood by now?

oryx_leucoryx
...So I want to see Minerva bringing his body to the Great Hall where all the other bodies were laid out. And Harry facing his portrait. At the very least. If Rowling can't bring herself to write that then as far as I'm concerned he lives. Call it my revenge.

Then, mary_j_59 shows up to support oryx_leucoryx and throws soldurios into disbelief that there could be two of them:

mary_j_59
It is not canon that Severus is alive. Nor is it canon that he is dead. And yes, he died protecting Draco, if you assume him dead.

If some of us prefer to assume him alive, there is nothing at all in canon to keep us from thinking so.

soldurios
At this point, I am under the belief that you or Oryx are sockpuppets of one another. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom the idea that over one person in this fandom actually believes that Snape didn't die in canon.

It is just way too much to buy into. I mean, at least the Harmoanians realized that their ship didn't sail in canon. You've just surpassed them and went right over the edge of the earth.

I remain floored by your ability to ignore everything cited above as canon. But I cannot accept that another shares your feelings in this.

Well, not unless you two are Snapewives. That'd explain it all and I'd simply back off right now.

oryx_leucoryx
Not Snapewives, maybe Severusmoms describes us better. He's my boy and I'm proud of him. When I put down HBP I just wanted to hold Severus tight and promise to never leave him.

But as to whether he died in canon - that depends on whether you are a reader who trusts Rowling or one who doesn't. If you don't trust her any loophole she didn't close is kosher.

And there you have it. First there were Snapewives, and now there are Severusmoms. Snape fandom has just kicked it up a notch from batshit insane to bugfuck bonkers.

Small, but quite delicious and bound to grow. It involves Bleachness and Yulieana, after all. Thank you, wank report mousies *feeds cheese*

Troll sends Kubo a comment saying that they wish Orihime was dead. Kubo gets angry. Bleachness records it, and stresses that he wasn't talking about them, only about trolls who say those horrible things about her. (As if they didn't say horrible things about her)

The Ichihime FC on BA picks up on it, and discusses Kubo standing up for Orihime... It also has a translation of Kubo's (pretty awesome) smackdown of the Orihime-bashing troll.

Yulieana picks up on this and makes a post, which draws its complaints not from BA but from locked comm FLOL.

And Bleachness keeps rolling! ETA: And rolling! And rolliiiiiing!

Let's stay tunned to see how this goes on...

ETA 1: Grudgewank or not? You decide!

ETA 2: I'm glad I don't like hate comms!" Yeah, sure.

midnight_charm just can't stop wanking. She apparently figured her convoluted theories were too much for poor LiveJournal to handle, and she moved to a brand new blog.

But first, she left this gem at her journal:

( You have been the victim of a mind control experiment. Alan Ball is actually that chick from V )


So, now with the blog. ( The characters have multiple personality disorders. True Blood really is fucked up, man :O )

BONUS: You also can't miss Bill fans are like rabid Bush or Ann Coulter supporters.

ETA: The crazy takes a whole new level with Sookie is USA and Eric is Jesus (thanks to mariem_1 for the find!)

ETA II: Hey guys, it's me again. This is from the About page of her blog:

While I adore reading and contemplating film theory and criticism I am far from a qualified expert in the field. My admittedly amateur forte is and has been for some time in the area of conspiracy research- sussing out propaganda and official lies with it’s attendant psyops and mind control techniques which are practiced on the unsuspecting population through the corporate controlled medium of television. I QUESTION EVERYTHING I am told and I diligently apply this motto to my analysis of True Blood. My rigorous intuition tells me Alan Ball is well versed in conspiracy lore and is using it to the hilt to tell the story of True Blood.

“The media’s the most powerful entity on earth. They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent, and that’s power. Because they control the minds of the masses.”
-Malcolm X

First True Blood wank!! *is excited*

Here I present you: midnight_charm's crazy shipping theories.


( Bill Compton, the Lord of the Rings )

( YOU ALL HAVE BEEN FOOLED. This is what REALLY happened at the beginning of episode 9 )

ETA: I added some more explanations for our non-True Blood fans :). My additions to the quotes are in [].

From a mouse on wank_report and using some of their language.

copper_cakes uses a picture as her Livejournal background of the Bleach pairing Ulquiorra/Orihime. Unfortunately, it was a commission, and the artist and the person who paid for the art let her know. She takes down the image, and apologizes for using it and causing them trouble here.

Sounds straightforward, right? But you forget: this is Bleach and Bleach is serious fucking business. Not only is stealing wrong, copper_cakes is a LYING LIAR who only really ships Ichigo/Orihime!

( No, really. )

Small, but tasty in its utter detachment from any sense of perspective.

EDIT: Yes, you've seen Yulieana before.

EDIT THE SECOND: Yulieana...um. Responds, I guess?

EDIT THE THIRD: Moar caps! Were people actually buying wedding dresses? Spill the details, folks! EDIT THE FOURTH: This may be an exaggeration. BUT IF YOU HAVE BLEACH WEDDING DRESS ART, PUT IT IN COMMENTS, I'm bored and LJ is slow today. Bonuses for boys in dresses.

EDIT THE FOURTH (NO, WAIT, THE FIFTH): Where are my wedding dresses, bitches? Yulieana compares fandom_wank to Fox News (can I be Shepherd Smith?), some girl I don't know to infamous lawyer "Jake" Thompson, and takes a sideswipe at Johnny Yong Bosch. Dude, dissing the Black Ranger? So not on. Get it before it's locked!

EDIT SIX: Thanks for the wedding dresses! Oh, and neutrality is simply impossible when it comes to Bleach ships.

Snapefen are still wanking about Lily Evans Potter. terri_testing posted an essay More on Lily's behavior in SWM: Lily the Prefect? on Snapedom. An excerpt from this essay:
( Read more )

Batshit flourishes in the comments:
( Read more )

The essay about Lily by randomneses continues to attract crazy people. oryx_leucoryx finally stopped wanking here, but don't worry! Enter n1ght1ng4l3, who claims to be not a Snape fan and to dislike the Marauders and Snape equally, despite being a member of Snapedom and two Sirius comms (also such comms for butthurt fans as dh_oh_shit and deadlyhollow).

Wank ensues. Some comments by n1ght1ng4l3:
( Read more )

A Slytherfan terri_testing writes an essay The Wizarding World and the Otherworld, where she argues that Harry Potter books are horror, not fantasy and that Hogwarts is like the school where the Native American children were brainwashed:

( Read more )

The essay provokes a chorus of "I agree"s and complaints about JKR's treatment of Snape:

mary_j_59 (see "Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!")

This is brilliant, Terri! And absolutely consistent. You know, my sister and I went to hear Rowling, Irving and King in NYC, and we both liked John Irving (reading from Owen Meany) best. Now the reason is clear. Rowling is actually a horror writer, like King, and I do not like horror. Still less do I like horror disguised as a children's fantasy quest. Irving, on the other hand, was writing in the great tradition of picaresque novels - a tragicomedy with a moral core.

But what I still wonder is: did (and does) Rowling know that she has actually written a dystopion/horror story? Somehow I don't think she realizes this.

condwiramurs/00sevvie

I second the 'brilliant' comment. And I highly doubt Rowling is aware of what she has actually written. She is too utterly blind to the reasons we like Severus, for example, to have any clue that she may have written something different from what her perfect picture of her work in her head is. I'm sure she thinks we're just getting it 'wrong.'

oryx_leucoryx (see Cry the Beloved Slytherins)

So if Severus Snape actually survived Nagini's bite, returned to the Muggle world and became some kind of counselor to delinquent youth or someone who runs an anti-bullying program (by working both with victims and perpetrators) he would be a hero with a rather protracted but complete journey? Starting out as the victim of neighborhood bullies (I doubt Petunia was the only one who knew that the strangely dressed kid was the Snape boy from Spinner's End) who must have dreamed that magic would solve his problems, learned that magic simply gave bullies more dangerous/'interesting' ways to hurt people, played a key role in getting rid of the biggest bully in the magical playground and came home to use non-magical ways against bullies?
***
bohemian_spirit has some fics in that general direction - in her 'Light Between the Cracks' series Severus Snape of canon years was secretly married to a Muggle school teacher and while at his Muggle home watched over the neighborhood children. And in her 'Professor Grunge' Severus immigrates to the US instead of joining the Death Eaters. He studies at a wizarding university and becomes a teacher who fights bullying and uses music to assist in magical healing.

But the real fun starts when night_train_fm decides to argue with terri_testing and says, among other things:

'Hermione exiling her parents to Australia'
She did that because she was terrified (with good reason) of the DEs coming after them: Voldemort was taking over the government, had already ordered several public mass-Muggle-killings, and anyone remotely connected to Harry was a potential target. According to Jo, Hermione reversed the spell ASAP once the threat was over. For that matter, is it ever outright stated that she didn't sit down and discuss it with them first?

That doesn't go well.

( Hermione is teh ebil! )

At discussion forums for George Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire", a mostly innocent OP made a small mistake. You see, one of Martin's characters, Jojen Reed, has dreams that come true, and he calls them his "green dreams." Another character, Prince Daeron Targaryen, has dreams that come true, and he hasn't called them anything as far as we know. OP Kevin Lannister speculated they were much the same thing, then typed the fatal sentence:

He was world reknown for his drunkeness but his "green dreams" seem very un-targaryen to me and after a reread it seems he might have more to do with the story than he seems.

The thread, which has very slight spoilers for George Martin's "A Song Of Fire and Ice" books, stays polite until here, where Mister Manticore is brusque about Daeron's dreams not being green dreams. Another poster Denver jumps in to defend the Original Poster, martialling all the forces of formal logic to put Mister Manticore in his place.

( Given what your written words are, I cannot prove the A is a viable description of your comments, because there are no actual signs of 'A' (i.e., no signs of any tactfulness), which is a necessary condition for proving a positive. )

The thread gets increasingly cranky (for example, Saddam Hussein and the UN weapons inspectors are referenced), until Denver scores a huge rhetorical victory by tricking Mister Manticore that he owns logic books.

( 'I only read about it on the internets' )

Spinning Spinsters decides to write an essay about how fan culture is highly conservative, and bolsters and propagates male supremacist ideas.

People in the comments seem to agree with her and thank her for having opened their eyes to how they're really just serving The Man by writing about guys getting on it.

But wait! Is such blanket approval natural? Not in the least.

As soon as she starts getting disagreements that are pro-slash, she deletes them on the grounds that such defenses can be found anywhere. She also refuses to link to any examples because it'd be unhelpful/too much work, and characterizes most femmeslash stories as being like lesbian pornography.

For bonus points, she apparently also has the power to edit comments if they talk about women in unacceptable ways. Though it's okay to say that on House, 'the women on that show are so lousy, either shrews or sex objects or both', so I'm curious as to what she doesn't find acceptable.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to serve The Man.

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Yes, you read that correctly, but let me repeat it:

Happy Feet is an Evil Propaganda Movie

Well what if I were to tell you that the overall metaphor, that the overall themes of Happy Feet are that of A) there is nothing wrong with individuality, that society can actually benefit from it, B) the ecological devastation unknowingly caused by man on the environment and the need to stop it, C) the evils of keeping animals in captivity, D) it being okay to defy your elders for the sake of “the truth” and, oh yeah, E) The evils of religion. Wait, what? Back up a second. Did I read that right? The…evils…of religion?

As expected, not everyone agrees.

A mouse on wank_report wanted this reported. unemployedlemon posts a theory on harry_potter that Lily's and Harry's eyes are green from surviving the Avada Kedavra posts. Lots of people go, "Interesting!" until midnight_d replies:

"I'm sorry, but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Sometimes I feel like people are just thinking of the most rediculous things possible in order to think of "new" theory."

And off it goes. My other favourite lines include:

jilicious: "ROFL Thank you. I read this and then the "Interesting!" or "Creative!" and all I could think was "Is everyone drunk? Is this a theory where I need to be drunk in order to appreciate it?"

and

midnight_d: "I mean, come on!! It's like saying that Harry doesn't have black hair because of genetics, it's because Voldemort's EVIL got inside his head and the black of Harry's hair is the EVIL growing out of his scalp."