Alright people, there's been a long streak of unfunny and fail around here and it's getting bothersome. We need to get back to basics with a short & sweet wank from an old, reliable source.

Thank heaven for FFR.

Picked this up via a mouse in the currently be-spamalated wank_report, incidentally.

Anyways, the short version is that guardian_erin posts a question about the word "childe" in reference to the Buffy fandom. To quote:
"What in the hell is so automatically horrible about dropping the word 'Childe' in a fic?"

By and large, people are pretty civil about it, noting that it's more of an Anne Rice/White Wolf term than a Buffy term. A few reasonable souls note that it's generally associated with badfic and therefore not looked upon kindly.

And then there's liz_marcs, who says, in no uncertain terms, that guardian_erin is "'one of those writers.' I'll be sure to avoid anything you write". Cue the snippyness, raging, bitching, teal deer, passive-aggressive smilies and condescending. There is also much fappery on the topic of "canon." Good wank times are had by all.

ETA: Oh, I forgot to mention, use of the words "cunty" and "cuntishness". The English language is such a wonderfully flexible thing.

So I've been idly checking back here on and off all day to see if this wank's been reported yet, and finally decided I should just go ahead and write it up myself.

So, apparently, a big spoiler for the upcoming "Heroes" season finale broke on the interwebs yesterday. Today, the interwebs are responding in fine form, determined to break the "Heroes" writers right back.

Here, we have what started out as a spoiler wank, which has forked off into 'ship wanks, character hate wanks, an entitlement wank, and Fandom v. Fandom wank. Three Four wanks for the price of one!

( Runs a bit long. Also, do I really need to say that a spoiler wank will contain spoilers? )

Twisting the Hellmouth is a Buffy fan-fic site mostly for crossover stories. Awards are given by popular demand in different categories.

JoeHundredair, who is apparently a moderator on this site, decided a winning story written by mrmiklos contained too many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes… that the story was “sufficiently bad to prevent the majority of readers in enjoying the story”, and so quarantined it.
The reasoning:
After reading the start of 'Sunnydale Berserker' by MrMiklos, I sent him a review suggesting he acquire a beta because as an award winner, I felt his story should reflect a far higher quality of work than it did. In other words, we voted it the best, so it should be better than other stories on the site... right?

Upon further review, JoeHundredair and other moderators say ‘just kidding’ and decide the grammar/writing isn’t really that bad. However, the story was not properly classified as a ‘multiple crossover story’ when it was submitted to the site, and awards are not given to “multiple crossover” stories. So TtH removed the award from MrMiklos; a second author, Marcus Rowland, also has his award stripped for the same reason.

Marcus Rowland handles this with some grace.

mrmiklos does not, and flounces off.

Only he doesn't fully flounce off, but sticks around to fight some more.

JoeHundredair continues to comment back, with CAPSLOCK to EMPHASIZE some POINTS. Abuses of power and vedetta abound.
Ignotus, a commentator, tries to keep perspective:
You know, this reminds me of something that I saw happen at my local library the other day. That situation was resolved quite easily... the mother took the kid home.

Wank continues.

Edited to make links work, hopefully.

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Buffy wank ...

Author is sporked on a locked entry on BadBuffyFic, gets a copy, reposts it in its entirety (with comments) and flails publically over it.

The Greek chorus begins.

Fandom is a SNAKEPIT (except for my pals)

There's a person on the other end of that tube, darn it!

But wasn't that original spork a flocked post? And reposting flocked posts is part of the turning fandom into a snakepit thing, isn't it?

Extra:

Angry that I broke the flock? But I'm the martyred wronged party here!

Superduper Extra:

The BBF critic of the moment complains of the OP's call to troll has resulted in, uh-oh, trolling of her and her flist. In efficient copypasta fashion: here and here. (Courtesy frequentmouse and dawnydiesel)

And heeeere's Hitler!

(Thanks to Impertinence for the link)

Thought Bangel v. Spuffy was soooooo 2003? You'd be wrong. Granted, this is not a raging wank with foaming at the mouth and gnashing of teeth, but all in all, entertaining just for the sheer "People are STILL wanking about this? Seriously?" aspect of it.

It starts when buffy4angel4eva posts this gem on The Spuffy Realm tagboard: Spuffy is the worst relationship on Buffy ever! Angel left Buffy coz he said she should be with someone who could take her into the light. Spike in all his stupidity said she belonged in the darkness. He isn't good for her and someone who loved her wouldnt do that. Plus he nearly raped her. FREAK!!

( You can tell where this is going, right? )

Since it's on a Spuffy site and all occurs on a tagboard, there are no rabid Bangel fans defending their beloved pairing. Also, it's very small (minute, one might say) and possibly doesn't bring the wank fit for fandom_wank. But what the hell, I'll delete if necessary.

OK, I've used my time machine, a notepad, and some crayons and I think I've finally figured it out.

Fanfic writer glossing answers a post about flames. This offends some people somewhere, so she posts an apology of sorts in her journal. Folks flip their shit, seemingly because she is really the devil incarnate, or at least a poopyhead. And she used the word "comprador" in a sentence once, thereby insulting all Asians everywhere. And then there were flaming cunts and defriendings and Switzerland.

Or something.

ETA: More links, because they're shiny.

ETA More: OK, the links aren't shiny. They're just made of cheese.

Remember the good olde days when people on your friendslist just hinted around for you to buy them IPods and paid LJ time?? Well, I'm sorry, but that is so 2004 and we have inflation to contend with!

Now you can buy a fanfic writer a WHOLE YEAR OFF WORK so she can finish her WIPs for a show that's been off the air for a few years now. Someone should let Joss Whedon know, or at least contact the other writers who helped her write it in the first place. Will they all get a share of the profits?

Oh, and big surprise, no comments allowed on her post. Don't worry, cutie. If we can't flame you there, we'll flame you here.

UPDATED: A response from Cousin Jean aka OH, the unmitigated gall!

Updated again: The original post begging for cash has been deleted, so Yay for Fandom Peer Pressure! And a smart fandom_wanker preserved the post in a C&P so we can continue to mock! And if she's only taken it down in order to revise it and repost, I will of course link to any further stupidity that she cares to share with all of fandom.

Update No. 3: Second post has been edited. Here's the C&P of the original version.

Update No. 4: New Post: Goodbye, Cruel Internets!!

Update the 5th? The Fallout:

Elynross has a round-up of amusing links referring to the wank of the day. I'll direct you to her post instead of linking them myself since I'm lazy and I've been working hard all day to keep you updated (why aren't you bitches paying me???!)

Cesperanza has some commentary which might be wank-worthy itself just by virtue of being serious ;)

If you come across anything else interesting, let me know and I'll add it to the main post.

When we last left the Buffy/Angel fandom, they were having fun with an anonymous lust meme, and Jennyo was asking “Why?” Things have kinda escalated since then. Jennyo posted a rant which I don’t know how to summarize, because it’s all over the place. The two main points: queer play (hugging, smooching, boob-squeezing, ectra) in virtual space can be bad, since it turns queerness into a spectacle and makes it an Other, something done to be cool; also, fandom has a feminism problem, especially seen in a “certain set of boyslashers,” who put out work with “clearly anti-woman attitudes.”

Swmbo responds, pissed that someone’s questioning the way she and her friends express themselves.

Jane Davitt also takes offence, defending her use of *hugs*, and sniping about the “appallingly written screeds” these “people who pride themselves, for no adequare reason that I can see, on being intellectuals” are coming up with.

In the meantime, Jennyo grumbles about the “anti-intellectual disingeunity of fandom,” and other people grumble that she’s usurping the term intellectual.

Much fun is had in all the comments. If by “fun” you mean snippy insults, “word”-ing of snippy insults, meta on top of meta, mentions of fandom_wank, and a lot of poor-us-vs-mean-them whining. But this is fandom_wank, so you probably do.

Posting on behalf of diemydawny, who is having JournalFen issues:

Blade/Buffy Wank!!! Yay!!

Someone on the Blade: Trinity forums on IMDB starts a thread called Blade Vs. Buffy, and all hell breaks loose!

Some highlights:

( Duh, Blade has a bigger budget, which means that the choreography is better, which means that Blade would win. )

Hello wank fans... I’ve got a good one for you. I’m sure you’ve read a few of those axe-grinding customer reviews at Amazon.com that have little to do with the book in question, and everything to do with the customer’s personal agenda? Well, check out the “Spotlight Review” written by “Benjamin” from Seattle...

Joss Whedon: The Genius behind Buffy

This is more subtle and well-written than most of the wanks posted here... but what makes it particularly priceless is that the writer isn’t half as subtle or clever as he thinks he is. Ben has an axe to grind, all right, but it’s not reallly about the “dangers of deification.” It’s some classic sour-grapes rambling from a disgruntled ex-fan.

And why is Ben an ex-fan? There’s one clue in this review:

At one point she appears to equate Willow's lesbianism with her magic addiction, but Havens' writing is so unclear I honestly can't tell if she meant to make that point.

Uh-huh. But for more evidence we need to go to another of Ben’s reviews: This one is a ways down the page:

Seven Seasons of Buffy

It is badly marred, however, by the inclusion of a piece by Kevin Andrew Murphy. His essay digresses into vile, dubious and non-representative portraits of fans of actress Amber Benson, who played Tara on Buffy, as stalkers. It's based on wild speculation and deserves contempt for its intent to smear these fans.

ETA: So he's pre-emptively defending his fandom, when probably most Amazon visitors don't know what he's talking about. Yep.

God Bless the Babble Board, big sucking vacuum of wank that it is. Posting this here, as someone who used to have her home page set to the BB, will probably get me defriended multiple times over on LJ, but wank is wank, right?

One of the mods, responsible for keeping peace and calm and the wank to what is a Babble Board minimum (usually considered a sucking vacuum by anyone other than HP fans), posts a thread asking for "YOUR thoughts, feelings, suggestions about the Babbleboard". Teh Wank, it spirals.

(yes, I can't bring myself to be more specific over people I consider friends... probably soon to be ex-friends... but the entire thread is well worth a visit)

I'm sure most of you remember all the fun ads from TwoP.

"Because the time for forever is now." Like, omigod, Buffy/Angel forever!

If this leads to another banner ad war, I am gonna pee myself laughing.

If you thought the Kittens and their Tara/Willow love were interesting . . . let me introduce y'all to The Ducks! This is a group dedicated to mourning the passing of that great supercouple, Buffy and Angel. You know, that fictional twosome with a nothing-close-to-healthy relationship who broke up four years ago? You, too, can reminisce about the good old days. Or discuss how present-day Buffy and present-day Angel would react to current plot lines and situations. Or vote on "Who would be the more hurt? If Buffy or Angel ever found out about the other's new love intrest." [sic]

There is a warning: "Dissenting opinions are allowed at Ducks' Babble Board. However, unsubstantiated insults toward the B/A Ship and or Shippers is [sic] not." So if you can substantiate your insults, that's okay? Hmmmm . . .

Happy quacking!

Harken back to the old skool days of alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer, when the only conversation that could be had was a long and relentless debate on Xander lying in "Becoming 2".

And again.

And again.

And then they see it in Australia.

And then it spreads to rec.arts.tv.

And then, finally, in Fall 2002, the show gives people resolution.