smilla840 is unhappy because a Hobbit fanfic didn't warn for spoilers. Cue laughter.

(Thanks to the mousey on wank_report for the original notice and qem_chibati for boosting the signal on clairvoyantwank. I think it's grown all big enough for a Fandom Wank entry of its very own.)

Meet Keith Mander. He posts about things like the hierarchical ranking of how deep a company actively utilises social media and he buys websites. His recent purchases include Just Pooh (a Winnie-the-Pooh site) and he "snapped up" Twilight Archives, a Twilight fic site a couple of months ago. You can read about his purchase of Just Pooh here, where he shares such wisdom as:

I tend to avoid marketplaces such as SitePoint and eBay. Sellers using one of these platforms tend to have a better understanding of their site’s value, and therefore have higher expectations. My approach would be to directly contact site owners who are unaware of their site’s value and who’ve never experimented with online advertising. They’re usually surprised when you contact them with an offer and this eases the negotiation process. The potential with this approach is far greater.

His latest purchase? ( One does not simply walk into Fandom... )

Over in LotR fandom, the story of a Munchausen-by-Internet hits LJ. Sockpuppetry including a woman dying of cancer(llady_roisin), her putative husband (eli_14) and a spunky newcomer to the fandom (jedi_tarja"). Much OMG and "I'm so sorry, thanks for all your good work here!" abounds. All very feel-good and inspiring and pre-group hug.

But wait! There's more!

Alassante points out she posted about Munchausen Syndrome, not naming names, and still got pilloried by the sockpuppets.

Nierielraina posts as another mean, nasty person who doubted because of those pesky facts, instead of believing in the Love That Is Fandom.

Will Alassante and Niereilraina be called Negative Nellies for not joining the group hug? Will more WTFery be revealed? Or will overdosing on tryptophan and storming the malls at 3 am distract the (American contingent) LotR fans?

Hat tip to the mice on wank_report

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Over on LJ, caras_galadhon posts about a case of plagiarism in LoTRips fandom and why isn't anyone saying anything? Turns out not only did the author -- one namarie120 plagiarize Jane Eyre for LotRips fandom, she also published it professionally.

In response, koulagirl666 makes some interesting statements, including "The plagiarism standards in fandom are obviously markedly lower than IRL, else none of the movie-based fics or book-based fics would exist."

caras_galadhon rebuts her argument, koolagirl666 insists that no, no, it's differently, really! And that people have approached namarie120 privately, so no one should say anything. (Never mind that the private approaches didn't work). readgeekeasy rushes into ask so why are you being sooo MEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN????????!1111


And finally, belle_lestrange wants us to leave great writers alone

ETA: More about this on telesilla's LJ post.

ETA 2.1 : namarie120 has deleted flocked posts on her LJ.

ETA 3: She'll never write again and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!

ETA 4: Caveat emptor.

The Silmarillion is The Lord of the Rings' scary older brother, the one which breaks many a prospective Tolkien nerd's dreams of expertise by being a . . . rather difficult read, to put it lightly. Plus, no Orlando Bloom. Its fandom is thus considerably smaller than LOTR’s, but, as the following demonstrates, they can wank with the best of them. Kudos to a mousey on Wank Report for compiling these links ♥

( Morgoth was such a MEAN GIRL. )

Everyone knows about crazy ol' VB and the Bit-of-Earth scandal, right? Well, apparently he/she has returned to 'confess her sins'.

Is this for real? Only time will tell.

EDIT: elance (who claims to have founded the LotR slash fandom) blames VB for making the LOTR and LOTRPS fandom a byword and a joke that has scattered into tiny communities with no trust and no feeling of safety.

(And I want to know about the girl who was with VB and Blossom and whose virginity they wanted to give to Sean Bean because that's just guffaw worthy.) ETA: narcissam has the goods on that particular tidbit here.

EDITBOMBAHOY: Some of the replies are less than convinced about the sincerity of amy_player's 'confession.' Others seem genuinely glad to hear from him/her, if it indeed really IS him/her.

VB, however, has yet to reply to any more of the comments. Could this be the end?

EDITMONSTAH: Anonymousie 'Susan' who is apparently a former roommate of VB and OB's posts to say that the tone and blame going on in this LJ shows to me that the great manipulation of Amy Player and Abigail Stone continues. She then berates the two for using and scamming so many people.

EDITASAURUS: VB/Amy Player posts for what he/she says will be the last time.
( I am not getting drawn back into fandom )

Back on the other thread, amy_player/VB also posts explaining why he/she chose to use his/her old name of 'Amy Player' online and asks that all of his/her LotR artwork, stories, reviews, etc. be obliterated for good.

The End of one of the Wankiest Wanks of All Time?

Edit: thetrainshere, aka Amy's former roommate named Sue, expresses her disbelief towards the apology again under VB's latest post.
( Amy, we aren't so easily 'bought.' This time. )

On the other thread, ark002 aka Little Sam isn't convinced either.
( You're a damn loser, VB )

And, of course, there are plenty of opinions about the whole thing at turimel's journal.

Whoa, dudes, I haven't been here in ages. But this one is...special.

You're not my friend, so neener. Or, I have left fandom, except I haven't.

It's very long indeed, and it's extremely difficult to detect a main point, but I think one can sum it up thusly:

-- I am too speshul for fandom. No, wait, I am totally speshul enough for fandom, but LJ, like, blows.

-- LJ people are not really your friends. They are sycophantic mouth-breathers who DO NOT APPRECIATE MY TALENT.

-- it is not about the self-aggrandizement, it's about the Story. CAPITAL S, people. Only plebes use the lower case.

-- if you aren't going to write to the best of your ability, don't write at all. Because, of course, the author bats it out of the park every time.

-- Paging Captain Pretension: if you're American, and you use British spelling in an essay? Yeah, mmhm. Okay.

-- I might have had more, but my eyes are glazing over trying to look back at the essay.

TBS is running a fairly kneeslapping promo for their airing of the LOTR trilogy in which their homo is pastede on yey!

PheonixDav over on the Game Informer forums is personally offended and gets out his McCarthyism Day Stick in a post titled TBS Doesn't Get it, and Neither do You.

Highlights from the rant include:


A commercial came on last night that made me want to punch my TV. It was an ad for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which TBS will shortly be airing. The Lord of the Rings is a powerful story about strength and character, and you would think the ad would reflect that. However, the marketers at TBS apparently decided it would attract more viewers if they made Sam and Frodo look **BLEEP**, by showing nothing but Hobbits hugging and playing music about "secret lovers".

TBS, rather than representing the movie as it should be represented, decided to hop on the Brokeback Bandwagon. And I think it belittles the movie. What was once something grand becomes, in the eyes of the ignorant masses who watch TBS, hobbit porn.

Which brings me to my main point: the mainstream media and pop culture as a whole has an unhealthy obsession with deviant sexualities. THAT is the reason homosexual issues are so politically charged, and the reason homosexuality occupies such a confused, volatile position in our culture. We've all been conditioned to hunt for anything outside a narrowly defined hetero-normal behavioral spectrum and label it as something deviant.

Do not defend TBS. If you defend TBS, you're only proving my point and exacerbating the problem further.


Others chime in:


It's like how annoyed I was when people said Alexander The Great was **BLEEP**. He wasn't **BLEEP**, you ignorant piece of garabage.

I seem to think this cheapens Tolkien's masterpiece that is "The Lord of the Rings." In fact, this is cheapening Tolkien as well, since the majority of "The Lord of the RIngs" relates to his experience during WWI. (The dead marshes were an example of how water would fill up artillery craters and bodies would rise to the surface).

Remember when everybody kept saying Tom Cruise was **BLEEP**? He clearly isn't and yet the media interpreted deviancies in his behavior and a group of idiots latched onto it... But he's certainly not a homosexual. That was my point. Society is having hallucinations of homosexuality.


(I'd like to know the evidence on that last bit, myself.)

This goes on for 9 pages. The wankiest bit is probably the rant and the fact that the forum bleeps out "gay." It's like the forum got sent to ex-gay camp for the summer.

This wank report has been inspired by memii's post at fandom_lounge.

ETA: Here's a link to the ad on YouTube for those that may not be able to access TBS.com

Meet Sharon (aka Coymoon and Parielle), the webmistress at martoncsokas.net. Sharon is revolutionizing the terms “ownership” and “copyright” by applying her own unique blend of fannish entitlement to them. Sharon feels that “owns” any and all pictures of Marton Csokas (the guy who played Celeborn in LotR) posted on the web because, well she does all the hard work of finding and reposting (and watermarking!) them to martoncsokas.net.
( LotR, you always bring the crazy. How I <3333 thee )

EDIT: One of own wankas real life run in with Sharon!

EDIT THE SECONDI: This isn't the first time Sharon's had a bitchfit about someone "stealing" her work
EDIT the trilogy
Sharon's UPDATED! She took down the banned list and several of ktnb's stolen piccies, but added this screed:

EXPOSED: For your information, the sabotaging and looting of this web site is definitely discouraged. I stand by this popular Internet decorum - Among webmasters, there exists a prevailing courtesy against the "looting" of a legitimate web site for photos and information to be used on satellite web sites. Though this cannot be enforced, we do proceed in good faith relying on integrity, ethical behavior and respect for one another's work. I really hate to stamp all these photos, but we all know there's always a few rotten eggs in every basket. It's shocking to realize what a so-called fan can do to desecrate and violate the dignity of their favorite actor(s) by their sick fantasies. Click here for a sample but be forewarned that it's very graphic. The gal who did this composite actually wrote me and offered to make up some pics of Marton for the Archives. Pathetic, eh? Seems they prefer Vin Diesel as a partner for Marton. And just for the record, the Archives has absolutely NO affiliation with these undesirable CULT FANDOMS (yes, strange but true) present among forums, journals, diaries, guestbooks, message boards, picture shrines, and pornographic fanfiction, photos or drawings, that seek to denigrate and vilify Mr. Csokas's good name and character. This should remind you that there's a very dangerous element in today's Internet culture. It's called ANONYMITY. It allows a person to dabble in whatever evil behavior they want because consequences don't exist when nobody knows them.

So now she scrawls her name across the pictures to PROTECT Marton! Wow, she really is his number one fan...
Or has just completely lost her marbles.

Remember Turimel? She was scammed by VB and OB, and has now written a book about it called "When a Fan Hits the Shit".

Unfortunately, none other than the Forces of Evil (capitalization mine) are at work to make Teh Book (capitalization hers) lose its battle against the evil hobbits. How? By writing bad reviews in Amazon.

( 'Are you guys so fundamentally insecure that the only way you can feel satisfied is to see my book fail?' )

And now I'm slightly sour because I don't have an Anne Rice icon.

ETA: Fixed the book's title. Ahem.

*pops wank cherry*

moonfirefae was recently banned from a Yahoo group called Elves-R-Us for trolling, and in celebration of that banning one of the mods wrote a story in which several ERU members whined to various males in Middle-Earth and then had an orgy.

In retaliation, moonfirefae posts the entire fic onto deleterius, uncut and badly formatted, in all of its NC-17 glory. Cuts and formatting are requested. ERU members weigh in.

ETA: BAHLEETED! Tviokh lays down the Ban Stick.

Son of ETA: Saved. Thanks, anonymouse!

ETA 3.0: Moonfirefae pleads her case in this very thread.

Uhhh ... whether me posting this is appropriate or not, I have no idea. So if it isn't, sorry.

It's just that I got my copy of "When a Fan Hits the Shit" in the mail a few days ago and even though I've read everything there is online about that wank that makes all other wanks look like wannabes (yes, after reading this book even the Crystal Apocalypse looks tame), I'm still desperately attempting to keep myself from hyperventilating with horrified laughter at some of the things in there.

Probably worst of all is the VB/OB chat transcript. How the ...? It boggles the mind.

Here's VB quoting her "Master" (don't ask me!! it's some sort of psychic channeling shit) after showing her footage of the actors:

I will give you my first impressions of the others for now, but remember, love, video tape is not the best means of this. I really should be meeting your boys if I am to be any more than accurate in the broadest strokes. [me: whatever the fuck that means.] Mr. McKellen seems to bear the spirit of Zeus, wise and a bit naughty. Mr. Wood needs nothing more than video tape, in truth. I could have done it from a photograph. His spirit is a pure Wood Elf stronger and truer than any I have seen in many an age. What he's doing here, I do not know. He does not belong. The stout fellow is of Baldir and the Great Mother, and Mr. Wood's two companions both carry streaks of Faerie wider than they are tall, that apparently not being much to say.

And after some dissection of this stunning spiritual analysis, VB effuses,

"It's just a movie. Like. Fucking. Hell. ... There are energies being tapped here that I can't even begin to comprehend, nor to fathom why."

And Abbey/OB replies "*tremuloulsy*" (her stupid spelling error, not mine) "If this is just a movie just a book .just. then I'm the Queen of Spain."

I'm surprised no one has posted this yet. canadianbitch shows up again, posting insults in Swedish apparently.

Edit: Language is actually Sindarin. Even better. *snerk*

And then a post later, we have die_deleterius with one-liner insults on the comm itself as well as in its own journal.

Meanwhile, members ponder why deleterius's trolls suck. Another member wonders whether D_D and C_B are the same person.

One of the last of the original Bagenders, Little Sam, has allowed a statement to be posted to Turimel's journal to give some more insight into the hobbit channeling and ( You are not gonna believe this... )

( And then there was Abbey... )

Jesus fucking Christ on a Wheat Thin, the rest of the story gets even worse. Seriously, go look at it yourself. Warning: sporfle alerts.

cactus_wren posts a lovely Mary Sue with the characters Nezzie, Koki, Kibbles (yes, you read that correctly) and Ariel.
One of them is Elvin [sic] King Elrond's neice. Yay.
Overall it's a poorly spelled, nearly impossible to read story.

Someone slips the author a link to the thread.

Author pulls standard defenses:
1) "I have a disability so I can't be arsed to use spellcheck!"
2) "I like my story and you're all bitches!"
3) "Read the Bible and get some love in your hearts...if you have them!" (that was followed quickly by a "fuck all y'all" type post).

The author's Pit of Voles page changed rather quickly as well.

We also find out that since we don't like her fic, we must be Iraqis.

If any of you live in Portland Oregon, you may have heard of Willamette Week. For those of you outside said area, WW is a free semi-off-kilter paper distributed on the streets of Portland and the surrounding area.

This week's headline?

Hobbits Gone Wrong.

That's right, our darling of the Wank Circuit has hit the big time.

EDIT--Sorry, I had no idea this was posted before. I *checked*, I swear I did!

Wank from VB beyond the grave--but not posted, no preciousss, sent to the attorney general's office:

In a March 5, 2004, email to DOJ investigator Fiona Harpster, Stone and Wood wrote, "We are very concerned to hear about the formalization of these accusations which had been previously maintained--where we feel they belong--only in the world of Internet rumor and gossip."

In the email to Harpster, Stone and Wood provided an account of some of Bit of Earth's finances but said they could not access many of their records due to computer problems. They prefaced the account with a disclaimer: "Most importantly, BitofEarth.net was not originally intended to be a charity organization."

Ass. Hats. You cannot TELL me that anything in HP tops this.

Read it all, see the art, at www.wweek.com

Okay, remember the poetiwank of Sweet Baby Ninetails? We seem to have returned to that position in the great circle of wank. A few days ago, a Mary-Sue named Sabriel was reported on Deleterius. Upon discovering this, the author had a cow, complete with, yes, a wanky poem:

( Read more... )