It's not even out yet, and Star Wars: The Old Republic is already cutting it's teeth on it's first batch of spooge.


( Wow, that analogy got away from me there a little bit. )

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

I never, ever thought I'd see the day in which I found myself agreeing with Lee Goldberg on any matter pertaining to fanfiction. Over on his blog, he decries the stupidity of one Lori Jareo, who self-published her Star Wars fanfiction and has it listed for sale on Amazon.com. 

Elsewhere in the blogosphere, John Scalzi also boggles and declares her the winner of the 2006 Stupidest Fanfiction Writer Award. 

To bear witness to the true depths of Lori Jareo's obliviousness, check out her author interview on her website

Mouse on wank_report came bearing Star Wars wank. Three months worth of fanboy moral superiority complexes fighting it out. I'm no expert on Star Wars novels myself, having only read a few of the first ones, but I can give a brief guide to understanding this wank. The novels discussed here are set long after the Original Trilogy. Han and Leia's (living) adult children are named Jaina and Jacen Solo. Jacen Solo has a daughter named Allana with a woman named Tenel Ka. And Luke's married to fellow Jedi Mara Jade and they've got a kid named Ben Skywalker.

Lately, Jacen Solo has been engaging in all sorts of questionable behaviour. So back in late December a poster by the name of YodaKenobi starts a thread titled : Proof that Luke is being manipulated by a Dark Lord named Jacen Solo (DN3 Swarm War spoilers!!!).

There are thirteen pages here and two separate outbreaks of wankery, the most spectacular ongoing.

( Wank the First: HOW DARE YOU HATE/LIKE JACEN SOLO? )

( Wank the Second: Moral relativism used and abused. Plus a long vicious fight over what'garroting' means. )

OMG YOU LYKE SPOILED REVENGE OF THE SITH!!!

Because we, you know, didn't know what would happen.

Fanficrants wins at life.

Tiny li'l wank, but it's kind of adorable, actually.

On the Jedi Council forums, Gabricjen starts a petition to protest the supposed addition of extra scenes in the DLP release of Revenge of the Sith: ( Read more... )

Various forms of "You've gotta be kidding me!" ensue. Some choice quotes: ( Read more... )

The kicker, of course, is that the whole petition is pointless, as is summed up in this exchange:

ObWanShawa: What scenes are now not in movie but in DLP?
SithScotti418: None, which makes this thread silly.

The LJ community comic_creators is normally a very non-wanky place where people may discuss comics, particularly their own, show off their artwork, talk about their story ideas or scripts, etc. And then... Along comics Metalhero who apparently thinks this is the perfect place to discuss Star Wars and how George Lucas OMIGOD TOTALLY RAPED MY SOUL AND TOOK MY CHILDHOOD OUT INTO THE ALLEYWAY BEHIND THE PORNO THEATRE AND BENT IT OVER A GARBAGE CAN AND FUCKED IT UP THE ASS etc. etc. ad nauseum, in a rant that we've all seen a million times, even before the damn Episode III came out.
A pretty wanky discussion ensues, as Metalhero calls anyone who doesn't think his irritating, off-topic rant was brilliant a "cock-jockey", and then claims that he's been "climbing the comedy ladder for going on four years now" (he's 19). (That's on top of telling a person who was politely challenging him that "you're wrong. End of story". What a charming, charming young man.)

As a special added bonus, this appeared TWICE on my friends list, but fortunately the mod at comicartist is a little more on the ball .

Q: What happens when religion and fandom collide?

A: You get an exsploogion of intergalactic proportions

Where to begin...
Darth Vader's Karma

The Bhagavad-Gita teaches the way of the Jedi.

Why I want to be a Jedi

The religion of Star Wars

There's plenty more Star Wars related links on Beliefnet.com, just follow the click-throughs.

Note: I haven't read through every comment in all the Revenge of the Sith articles -- I've been laughing too much -- so there may be spoilers. Be warned.

Pepper

So the other day, George Lucas gives an interview regarding the new SW DVD set. It contains this quote:

"The thing about science-fiction fans and `Star Wars’ fans is they’re very independent-thinking people. They all think outside the box, but they all have very strong ideas about what should happen, and they think it should be their way. Which is fine, except I’m making the movies, so I should have it my way."

LJ user spacedowtjedi posts it to the starwars community, saying:

Here's what I hate : HES RIGHT, SO RIGHT. It's his stuff, he should do what he wants, I know in his position I WOULD
The flipside, If feel just as strongly for certain things to remain 'sacred' Or changes that shouldn't have happened.
I think I will now remember this quote, try to use it whenever I get upset about something. As much as we feel it's OURS , It's also his..

Naturally, people disagree. Well, mostly petshopboy1983:

I am sick of this line of horseshit that they are his movies and he can fuck them up if he wants. What a cop out. They are not really his movies. The only reason he has any money to tamper with them in the first place is becase WE payed for it. At worst we are stock holders, executive producers at best.
Grow some balls, fanboys. The ladies find it appealing.

And of course, more wangst over how much right George has to alter his own movies. Because god forbid we just be resigned to this by now.

This morning I said to myself 'y'know... I'm tired of finding nothing but lame pottersues wank and half-joking wank... I'm going to go look for some real wank to post.' So I visted theforce.net. Specifically, I went to the Attack of the Clones messageboard.

Hoo, boy...

We start off with this nice little whine about bad scriptwriting... which degenerates into a bizarre discussion of expectations, editing, gratuitous characters, karma, and the proper way to spell 'Beru'. For five pages.

Then there's this (locked, but still readable) complaint about the sheer volume of CG in the movie. The first couple of responses basically warn the poster that this will get wanky, and then things head downhill in a hurry. Naturally, ILM is compared to Weta and nobody can agree who is better at it, the die-hards complain that people are just looking for something - anything - to criticize... and this goes on for twelve pages.

Over here somebody complains about double-standards in judging film effects... why does Star Wars get criticized for certain things that the Matrix and LotR also did? So everybody lines up to spend sixteen pages telling him he's wrong.

Somebody has this in his signature:

Star Wars is not Lord of the Rings with space ships
It never was, and it never will be . Peter Jackson's style IS NOT SW That is true for the OT and Pt as well
GET OVER IT!!!
I will not be seeing Return of the King; I refuse to sign that O-OT petition

This reads to me as: I actually think LotR is better than SW, but I don't want to admit it and am going to hide from it instead.

Finally, this guy thinks Mace Windu is in league with darkness and has many, many reasons why. All of them are stupid. People mock him. For twenty-one pages.