If you play World of Warcraft, you'll know that there is a darker, more sinister side to the game. A side known as... a Roleplaying Server. *dun dun da!*

Like most places of free range RP, there are delicious tidbits of wank. This one involves everyone's favorite- Internet Suicide!

The story starts over at The Roleplayer's Lament, a blog that brings the Mary Sues, Godmodders, and other such failures of WoW RPing to your computer screen with the added picture or two for laughs.

When you use certain addons like FlagRSP, you can give yourself a title, last name, and all sorts of horrible life details that another player would totally know instantly by looking at someone. A particularly nasty Gary Stu is posted and there is joyous mock for the RPing community.

Until the blog poster learns later that the player behind the Aizen wannabe died.

Kinda puts a damper on the fun making, right? Nah! Turns out the player *gasp* faked his WoW death to get back at the Lamenters for poking fun at him. Apparently, it's all fun and games until the tables are turned, which has various WoW RPers demanding blood for their tears and prayers, and one person suggesting he get prison raped for his Internet Death scheme.

But fear not, fellow Moon Guard-ians! For as long as this blog will stand against the test of internet time, Marrowdarkness shall forever be remembered and immortalized as a Godmodder and Death Faker! And we shall all forget this wank in time, probably when the next Sue who claims to be Illidan's newest chew toy trots into Goldshire.

Bonus: Official Forums nerd rage. T minus until Bliz nukes the thread.

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

For anyone that doesn't play World of Warcraft, there are these stupid quests you can do everyday at max level to get some cash. They are called dailies, and most people hate them, but need the cash. One set of them, known as the Skettis, has an escort quest. It can respawn after someone else has done it.

Enter Flenn. Flenn was being all helpful and trying to get a group together for this escort daily. He took his little time, and advertised on general (a chat a lot of 70s turn off as it's mostly annoying spam), had some people together, and even killed all the mobs around the escort quest. He was ready to escort the hell out of this quest, and he was nice enough to even start a group for! What a wonderful team player.

But then, a big meanie named Draeno from Second to None (one of the larger raiding guilds) came and took the escort quest before poor little Flenn could start the quest or message him if he would like to group. So, Flenn and his party had to wait a full ten minutes!!!! for the quest to respawn.

Now, this kind of shit happens all the time. You clear mobs around your herb to pick them, and someone snaked it while you were fighting. Someone killed the elite monster you needed for your quest. This is the minor stuff that most people shrug off and go about their day, especially as half the time such slights are unintentional. It's just a part of the game. If someone is really mad, they contact a guild officer from the guild the person that irked them belongs to. That's pretty much standard WoW etiquette.

But, apparently, Flenn was hurt so badly by the big meanie that he had to post a complaint on the WoW forums, where a bunch of asshole trolls live.

I'm still not quite sure what he was expecting

It's small, but destined to keep going, as Flenn tirelessly responds to just about every post, assuming he's very, very, clever, and in doing so, feeds the trolls who are thinking this is Christmas.

(But, really, he doesn't care).

In the interest of full disclosure, I am in this wank in a minor cameo, and am biased (being in Second to None, not that I know the big meanie). However, I only posted twice, and am not planning to post more. I'm pretty sure I'm not the big star wanker in there, especially in the light that I'm not funny enough. If it needs to be moved to i_wank, then by all means, that's where it should go.

While one might think that the announcement about Wrath of the Lich King ("Hero classes!  Destructable buildings!  New hairstyles!") might have caused a considerable amount of drama, this wank comes from somewhere else: namely, "She cheated on me over Ventrilo!"

Note: For those who aren't the gaming type, Ventrilo is a voice-chat system groups can use during raids.  For when, you know ... typing isn't fast enough.  Also, as almost any of us could have predicted, Ventrilo is also used for the same thing that the rest of the internet is used for: namely, porn.

The original story goes thus: in short, Demeter and Gilgamesh run a guild, and are in real life also married.    Demeter (the husband) finds out that Gilgamesh (the wife; we've reversed genders in our name choices, apparently) has been cybering over Ventrilo with some members of the guild.  So he makes a post about leaving and /gkick-ing her, and offers the guild up for e-sale.


It escalates.  It escalates to 26 pages!  Bring the, "Oh god, I'm so sorry"s, closely followed by the, "LOL YOU FOOL"s and the "Can I get in on it"s, and garnished (as a wank delicacy) by opposing cries of, "You need to pay more attention to your wife!" and "Women can't be trusted!" 

Most of the threads in the main WoW forum get deleted, but Dionysus is handy enough to give us a dictionary of the wank here.

Conspiracy theories abound, and the whole thing is expected to explode to high heaven (like it hadn't already) tomorrow, when Gilgamesh is expected to return from vacation.

Or, rather, guilds that specifically state they won't recruit women start drama. Nihilum, one of the most well-known, farthest progressing guilds on World of Warcraft (EU) have been reported on in a WoW-Insider article.

Top EU guild Nihilum is recruiting a few serious Horde raiders on Magtheridon (EU). And not that I play on the EU side of things, but if I did, I wouldn't be welcome to apply. Why? According to GM Kungen, there are a lot of reasons they don't recruit females, but the one he highlights is the need for recruits to have a "high 'abuse tolerance.'" And a bit later in the thread, poster Awake adds that female applicants are avoided because of drama. And while I know there are immature girl gamers who can bring plenty of drama to a guild, I know equally immature guys who can be just as bad. So to me, personally, it makes better sense to simply not recruit idiots of either sex.

There is wank in the comments. Oh, is there ever wank. Unfortunately it's hard to link directly to specific posts.

Someone, naturally, brings this topic to wow_ladies, and there is even more commenting. Most of them seem to be of the same nature (that it's extremely unfair), but there are some rather good points, and some... well, tl;dr ones. Most importantly, someone comments randomly with one of my favorite icons. :D

The point is, no matter what, it's all Nihilum's fault for being a bunch of thirteen year old boys who think girls are icky, have no lives, etc. etc. Not unlike Toronto, everyone hates Nihilum. And Death and Taxes is recruiting, and likes girls. Or something.

Note: The link in the WoW-Insider article to Nihilum's newspost doesn't seem to work, so I have no way of verifying what it said. As a rather interesting bonus, this is Awake's interview with WoW-Insider.

My apologies for the last wank report posted, this one's been around for a little while, it shouldn't get deleted.

Edit: It was for the lulz! Thank you kindly, onaga

Ow, World of Warcraft. Ow.

(I have said this aloud, causing the three year old I babysit for to ask me what's wrong. I don't have the heart to tell him.)

You know, people complain a lot about WoW. Whether it be about the game itself, or things in the game (class nerfs, racial abilities, attunement) but this time, the wank... the wank is special.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present... Boob Wank.

The latest patch, 2.1.0, has finally come down the pipe, breaking mods, adding new content, etc. There seems, however, to be an undocumented change in the patch notes: some have noticed that the breasts on their female characters are smaller.

The original thread was on the WoW forums, but I noticed it through worldofwarcraft. People are bitching in the thread (I have some examples under the cut), and people on the community seem to disagree, because a number of the B/A shots are done poorly and at different angles. Summarizing the thread, some people are taking it seriously, some people are taking it "seriously", and some people are proud to point out that the rest are all idiots.

Oh, WoW fen. I'm a part of you, and yet I want to stand far, far away.

(For my own part, I did notice that my older characters seemed crisper, but I hadn't noticed anything about their breasts. If they've fixed my druid's retarded eye-glow issue, I'm willing to put up with anything, even a mastectomy).

( Jin'do flattered, but Jin'do don't take out that kinda trash )

This is the closest thing I have to a 'tits or gtfo' icon.

So on the warlock forum, someone posted a link to a meant-to-be-funny article that conjectures--

Allow me to present what is probably the most blasphemous, yet perhaps the most elite of the members of the five-man team in this set: Jesus Christ, the human warlock. Don't worry. We'll be silencing all cries of "But Jesus should be a priest!" soon enough. Trust us, Judas is a priest, but Jesus is an uber Warlock.

Pretty mild. Not terribly funny if you ask me, but hey, not exactly flame-worthy offensive, right? Wrong.

Cue outrage that pretty quickly blossoms into an all-out atheism versus Christianity wank marathon: the page count was six when I looked yesterday, and has since more than doubled. Including whether Jesus would roll a shaman or a warlock, a diatribe on how atheism doesn't make your life better, among others. Choice bits:

Nightshayde: It's immateral, you can't make your own God, thats called idolatry. God made us, we did'nt make him.

Someone "fixes" (quotes with edits) the post to It's immateral, you can't make your own Flying Spaghetti Monster, thats called idolatry. Flying Spaghetti Monster made us, we did'nt make him.

yrdred: Well, not that any of this is relevant to the game but I just can't resist weighing in on this crap.

Shouldn't you, as a Christian, be spending the money you spend on WOW to, oh, I don't know, adopt a starving child, feed a bum on the street, or maybe take an interest in the suffering going on in the world around you? In fact, aren't you explicitly commanded to do so?

Oh wait, I forgot that Christian = Hypocrite

If you aren't going to take your religion seriously, don't come here and condemn other people. Christ...

Another favorite: QQ more xtians

Also bonus: There is but one god. In his house at R'lyeh, he waits, dreaming.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Ia, IA!

Jesus is nubcakes: It took jesus three days just to walk back to his body and spawn again...

In girl_gamers, project_jeni shares with the group her St. Patrick's Day/WoW tee-shirts, featuring the game's newest race, the Blood Elves, and the logo Kiss Me, I'm Elvish! Hey, I'm the biggest folkloristic morphology geek ever (as evidenced by the fact that I even know what the hell "folkloristic morphology" is), and while the shirts are not exactly folklore-friendly, I still want one.

Two comments in, omnissiah appears, wondering what the hell this has to do with St. Patrick's Day. People gently try to explain the pun, but omnissiah stubbornly refuses to yield:

I've never known of Elves being considered of Irish descent in any of the games I've played. Mainly because elves are of German descent and most games follow the Tolkien style of mythology, which still doesn't render them as Irish.

People try to move on, but omnissiah continues to pop up with his/her authoritive knowledge of all things Irish/Elvish.

Slowing down now, but the wank is rich.

[This was on CW a little earlier, here. I've decided that while the comment total may not be the twelve gazillion of other wanks, there's some real doozies in there anyway, so why not.]

World of Warcraft wank is only ever about one thing: everything.

However, there are certain choice veins particularly rich for a prospecting wank miner, and one of those is sexism. Because, like, well, pretty much every gaming community in existence, unfortunately, WoW has some male players who, uh, have some problems with the ladies. To put it mildly.

It starts with cardiology getting everyone's blood pumped up in wow_ladies with a question: What's the single most sexist thing that has happened to you while playing WoW? Her own is a real . . . peach, reproduced here to aid in laziness.

( Behind the cut: Cardiology's tale of woe, and lots of stuff which will make you sit on your hands, probably. )

So, WoW wank. It flows freely from the neverending fount that is the official forums. Most of which is either too specialized to be understand outside of the game's context, or too unintelligent to understand period (L2PNOOBROFFLE). Which is why I dust off my old, unused f_w account to bring a true WoW wank gem to those who I feel will appreciate it the most.

Meet Demura. She's a kindly troll priest who wishes only to have options. What options are those you might ask? Well, that'll take a little explaining.

You see, WoW has warlocks. And one of the demons that can be summoned by a warlock is a succubus. This demon pet comes with abilities predictably named Seduce, Soothing Kiss, etc. Seduce is an ability that can "charm" an enemy player or creature and cause them to stand in one place for around 10-15 seconds, complete with little red hearts coming up over the target's head. Its idle animation consists of some pretty painful-looking, constant hip gyration, with the occasional nail inspection and an animation where she wiggles her ass, spanks it, and moans. She also has sounds like this, and this, and this, and this, and this. All pretty much expected from a digital representation of a sex demon.

This is where Demura comes in. She feels that, in a purely aesthetic sense, that all warlocks should have the option of summoning incubi instead of succubi. She posts as such in the WoW Suggestions forum, hoping to be heard by a developer, despite the fact that apparently the topic's been posted before and was either killed by WoW changing their forums or the topic somehow degrading into more typical WoW wankery.

Enter Jarens. He's more of a troll than dear Demura! For, you see, he believes that the only reason Demura or anyone would support such an idea is because they're all raging feminazis and want only to be able to further subjugate man!

And the spooge begins.

It's pretty usual fare until about page 9. Some make comments about the lack of customization in WoW while Jarens and his potential sockpuppets gripe about the inequality of the world, with references to the Army and such. Homosexuals somehow get tossed into the mix as well.

A quotable quote:

Reply 196: "Amen brother! Glad to know these feminists have not broken you will to be a strong male!!!!! Soon the rebellion of feminist college chicks will be squashed. And the once proud girl army will be prisoners of their male masters."

Preach on, Jarens, preach on.

Once upon a time, there was an online game called World of Warcraft. In this fantastic game, the individual players could play, and fight and play and fight to their little hearts content, but, said the evil overlord Blizzard, you must not use bots to increase your character-level or to get more gold. All the players agreed to this, and because the evil overlord was a suspicious bastard, he made them all sign a pact before they could play and fight, and play and fight, to make sure everyone knew this.

Now, not everyone in the happy kingdom of WoW wanted to spend time gaining levels or gold the long and hard way, and these crafty little beavers created bots, and sold them to the other players.

These other players were not doing anything wrong, they said when caught, they had paid for the bot and now, because the evil overlord was being a bastard, they were all banned!

The were outcries of oppression, screams of unfairness and even a few tears, in the not-so-happy-anymore kingdom of WoW.

It all started with glidez4lyfe’s post:

Caught the ban hammer in the teeth today. Lost two accounts that between them had 6 level 60s (each on its own realm). Neither account was linked to the other by billing info and both of them were paid via game cards.

I don't think that I was reported by a player since I only bot these accounts in instances (generally Scarlet Monastary). I figured that was pretty safe since there's zero chance of being stumbled upon by other players. I've got both the accounts hooked up with remote monitoring software and never got any whispers or alarms from other players or GMs. […] I'm going to be laying off the Glider for a bit, at least until I can figure out what exactly gave me away.

( And the reactions to the ban-wave keeps pouring in : )

( Humour : )

( Conspiracies: )

( And tears: )

This goes on for 48 pages so far, and on page 12, Okito mentions the possibility of the Bot-programmer /distributor selling the player-IP’s to Blizzard.


ETA: Fixed the funky problem with the link to page 12

ETA2: More links to wanky behaviour, collected by the lovely narcissam. here and here

I'm not a WoWer myself (I have no MONEY for that) but a friend without a JF account pointed me to this fapfest, and it is both hilarious and sad. And very very wanky.

So, one of the reasons WoW is delaying on releasing the Blood Crusade upgrade is because they're altering the appearances of the Blood Elves. Why? Because apparently they received multiple complaints that the male elves looked "too gay". And they also decided to beef up the female elves' racks.

( But aren't elves SUPPOSED to be girly? A tragicomedy in several parts. )

Over in worldofwarcraft, captainecchi apparently woke up and decided today was a good day to dictate how other people should play WoW. The entry really seems to be aimed at a particular person but the entire tone of the entry just completely disgusted me.

Honestly, the OP seems to be a reasonable person (darn it), but this personal grudge really didn't deserve a post in a comm.

Still, a few of the comment threads are wanky, even though there's not much overall. It's definitely entertaining reading.



Also: Arrrrr.

Grabbed from a mousie on wank_report. Not too long ago, a post about the wankery revolving around the creation of a gay friendly guild in the online game World of Warcraft was posted here. Now, the plot thickens as Lambda Legal, the legal group dedicated to the protection of gay and lesbian civil rights, has thrown their hat into the ring:

http://www.kotaku.com/gaming/breaking/wow-blizzard-gets-gay-rights-warning-153075.php

( more under the cut )

I'm not part of the fandom in question, but found this via another thread.

Purchasers of the exclusive Collector's Edition release of World of Warcraft received, in addition to other goodies, their choice of an exclusive in-game "pet" not available to other players. Some purchasers opted for the panda cub. Aww.

So, present day, and a Blizzard event in Korea (where the CE was never sold) is offering its attendees (who may be from North America) panda cubs for their WoW accounts.

Minor wank breaks loose. To be fair, some of these people reasonably feel that the CE was misrepresented as having content that would only be available to purchasers.

However, you've got those who view panda ownership as some kind of exclusive club...

( Pandas are a mark of devotion! )

And those who think this constitutes legal consumer fraud.

( Call the Better Business Bureau! )

Others have difficulty with the concept of ownership.

( If they have it, I won't! )

Quite a bit of difficulty.

( And again. )

And then there's this...

( No words )

I'm not sure whose side the next poster is on, but damn if he doesn't sum up my feelings.

( Grebinn makes a good point. )

I'm really surprised I haven't seen this on here yet, so I guess it falls to me.

Blizzard reprimands a player for advertising her guild as "GLBT friendly"; all hell breaks loose.

This is actually showing up on every forum and blog with even the slightest connection to gaming, but I've chosen the official forum because Blizzard deleted the first three threads that mentioned the issue, and we have to reward persistence, now don't we?

I can't figure out how to link to specific posts in the thread, so have some choice quotes behind this cut.( Read more... )
Anyway, it goes on like that for another twenty pages. I know I'm supposed to do a full report, but frankly it's making me kind of sick. Blizzard remains silent on the issue, and eventually locks the thread when it devolves into a discussion about sandwiches. Liberals are generally canceling their accounts, moderates are generally disturbed but figure it's not a big deal, and Blizzard can do whatever they want since it's their game, and conservatives are generally continuing to not understand why anyone would be gay in the first place.

I snagged this little wank from childfree. Pardon me if I get things wrong, my boyfriend plays WoW and I don't, so I don't know what a bunch of the terms mean.

Anyway, on the forums, Lox posts an angry thread explaining why she's killing greys for those who "give a sh1t".

It turns out that she let her pwecious baybee play on a PVP server for her birthday, foolishly expecting her child to be treated like royalty when for the most part, a PVP server serves as a means to fight other players.

So Lox declares "war" by proclaiming "ALL horde will pay" for bothering her fruit of wonders.

Teva tries to reason with Lox by saying "Do on to others as they are doing to you", to which Lox promptly says "shove it!".

On forum page two, blame is somehow shifted to a guild (or maybe some other players), to which members of the guild start nitpicking at Lox's spelling and AOL speak.

It takes until page four and five for people to mention Lox's parenting skills. Lox just snobs it off and a mini-wank about who knows more history of the Night Elves is made.

Drood makes a good point, though:

To all the people issuing complaints about PvP, the festival, or anything else in this topic:

Cry more.

Edit: Bahleeted! I don't have any screen caps... sorry guys!

Edit 2: The first two forum pages were saved and can be viewed here.

Tactic on the WoW Feathermoon server runs into two trysting Night Elves in the Deep Run Tram tunnel while they are deeply involved in manual transmissions. Since he IS on a Role-Playing server, Tactic gets into his role as voyeur and, uh, inserts himself into the action. I will quote nothing so as to avoid spoilers. Priceless exchange between Tactic and the neatly cock-blocked Night Elf.

Many pages of comments follow, including "Tactic, you are the man!" "stfu" "think of the children!" and an embarrassingly "omg we didn't know anyone would see us even though we were speaking in public emotes" post from one of the cyber-coitally interrupted, and the shared information from a mutual friend that the subterranean relationship could not survive the horror of the perverted dwarf.

Screen caps with sexually explicit and unbearably amusing chat text included.