Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Someone named "AnneOBrienRice" tells the imdb boards they're interrogating Luther from the wrong perspective.


"Does anyone know of a good film about Luther that shows the Catholic side of the issue, the tensions and agonies that those opposing Luther endured? If anyone knows of such a work, I'd love to hear about it. You can email me at anneobrienrice@mac.com. Maybe i should write such a film, or a novel about it. Thanks."


The people of imdb completely fail to notice the user name, or if they do, they can't be bothered to give a damn (no pun intended). To be fair, if "AnneOBrienRice" is indeed a troll, she's an absolute genius at copying the real thing's writing style. Her review of Sweeney Todd (which currently happens to sit on the movie's main page) tells us:

"A Conventicle of Geniuses Came Together Here. And this conventicle has brought us a glistening and irresistible nightmare. There are delicious Dickensian overtones throughout, and the look of the film itself is poetically potent."


Yeah.

Anyway, people aren't too happy about "Anne" siding with the poor oppressed catholics, and wank ensues.


"My, my I love the smell of revisionism in the morning."

"Where in the Bible does it say that only something explicitly taught in the Bible is true?"

"Did Catholics fight and persecute too?
Yes, but it wa spurely defensive."

"You obviously have no idea what being 'Christian' is. Its not about getting along for the sake of gettiong along."


And my favorite quote for today:

"Luther was a revolutionary. What is Christ-like about that?"


UPDATE: The Sweeney Todd review is linked from AnneRice.com. It's her!

IMDB wank is, as we all know, like shooting fish in a barrel. But sometimes one needs some light, effort-free wank to get through a hard week.

The latest entry in the sweepstakes is this thread from the board for Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. ( Read more... )
Lots of crap writing, poor spelling and grammar, rantiness galore -- it's got something for everyone.

ETA: Forgot to add a link to this hilarious account of Borat's guerilla press conference outside the Kazhakstan embassy in Washington DC from a week and a half ago. Be sure to watch the video. Sacha Baron Cohen basically wins at life.

So this is really small, but it's about Snakes on a Plane so I couldn't resist posting it. Because really, who wanks about Snakes on a Plane (well except for people on IMDB, but what don't they wank about)?

On the Rotten Tomatoes Forum Cpt Kirks 2pay posts that Snakes On A Plane is an INSULT to SNAKES!!!! He makes sure to point out that this movie will certainly end the life of all snakes on earth, like forever:
Fear and hostility will rise toward Snakes, many species of which are already extinct because of these views, and more and more Snakes will be killed, ending many species that are already on the endangered list. I have seen this done before to other demonised animals in film.

When horrorbetterthandrama points out: you're an insult to humans
Cpt Kirks 2pay comes back with his monster credentials: Oh I'm an insult to humans am I? Then how come I have gone round campaigning against all this kind of stuff and have been successful in saving the lives of so many animals? It's my profession and the organisation I belong to has gone worldwide.
And I bet you didn't know this: Now what about Jaws? That film was so overexaggerated and it also had many mature as well as children people seeing it - and look what it did. It nearly made the whoe Great White species extinct!!! I don't care what excuses you've got for artistic merit here. Nothing that this movie will do will justify the outcome of people's reactions. People will see a Snake and rate it's danger a lot more than before, after watching this film. It will be demonize them more, you can't deny it. It's been done before you know. You really credit the audience with that much intelligence? Fuxake! You know fully well that there will be ENOUGH, not all, but ENOUGH people in that theatre who will go out and hurt snakes more than before after they see this film.

And then some tl;dr happens. And more nonsense.

And then we are enlightened that God is ultimately to blame and everyone is OMGmean: Yeah, the same link to the Devil that Serpents got is the same as what God did to Lucifer to make him become the Devil anyway. He cast down and mistreated the Snake in the Garden of Eden in the same way he cast down Lucifer. He overpunished and was overcruel to the Snake. He now has to exist in his state and one that encourages fear and hositlity, all because of one mistake that God has never forgave him for or given him a second chance for. Everything deserves a second chance, but the Snake is not given one. I find this portrayal of Snakes as the EXACT symbol and example of how badly Snakes are portrayed and thought of and how they will be in this film. The same way that you are all viewing the Snakes but just won't admit it. You'd rather argue the point and state that you're right and I'm wrong. You've all said terrible things about me, and I've said nothing derogatory to you people. Just trying to have some kind of discussion and give you some intelligence about Snakes.

And finally, I have to say, markster wins the thread with this: While we're at it, why don't we get philosophical about other very important issues surrounding the movie: for example, the movie will probably damage the self esteem of snakes. More snakes may become burned out pill poppers after the release of this movie because they are portrayed in such a negative light. Snake suicides may be on the rise. It's possible that snakes may picket outside of the White House crying "discrimination" and political incorrectness. Some of them may appear on Oprah or Larry King to tell their side of the story. Then maybe you blithering "snake rights" activists will shut the hell up and actually ponder something important: you know, issues like: should dogs have the right to sport mohawks if they want; what do turtles really think when rabbits beat them in races; do gorillas feel "inadequately equipped" compared to King Kong; do cats get upset when referred to as pussies; etc.

EDIT: So somehow this thread has continued and after alice5295 makes a funny and obviously sarcastic post which reads:
Moralistic????? The snakes don't look very moralistic when they're swallowing a live mouse whole. What about the poor baby mouse? If those g** d***** snakes would convert to veganism like the rest of us, we wouldn't have to send Sam Jackson after their amoral a****. (Do snakes have a****?)

A new poster to the thread called masterjedidarkcaster replies with:
You blame a snake for acting upon it's instinct for survival and need for food? And who's obsurd here?

You want a snake to convert to veganism? Aren't YOU the stupid one!!!

Snakes are innocent animals, not violent assassins as this movie portrays them. They are beautiful, exotic and charming.

Take for example the Asian art of snake charming. What a lovely pastime to view and take in. It is breath-taking to watch a skilled charmer make the snake ebb and flow with every note and tone.

Remarkable. And you expect me to believe, after observing this occurance in its most naturalistic of forms, that snakes DESERVE to be destroyed by an irate Samuel L. Jackson and exploited on film?!!!

You sir are wrong. You sir are wrong.

And then the thread degenerates even more. Either this is someone from f_w making a funny or this wank just got twice as entertaining. I mean really...it's just Snakes on a Plane!

luvsparty1216 posts an innocent question on The Princess Diaries message board on the Internet Movie Database, asking what the "green thing" was that Mia ate for dinner during a scene in the movie.

Startanew replies that it is Sorbet, but then AnneHathawaylover answers that "i think it might be mint because it gets rid of the taste of the corse before that so it might be i dont know but when i go to dinners like that it si mint"

gingersnaps1 then posts "from the looks of your grammer, it doesn't look like you would go to a dinner that would have that particular course."

gingersnaps1 also goes on to state how her five-year-old attends etiquette classes at the Ritz Carlton.

The thread quickly goes into wank about why gingersnaps1 would want to send her 5-year-old to etiquette classes.

My favourite comment? When curlyQ379-1 asks gingersnaps1 "if your thirty or so, how come your on a message board for the princess diaries?"

The thread can be found here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247638/board/nest/33626486

Well, at least it makes a change from HP wank.

Gerard Butler (probably best known at this point from The Phantom of the Opera) has extremely devoted fans who call themselves "Tarts." They hold conventions, show up at movie sets, they swarm talk-show tapings, and have started ganging up at film festival screenings so heavily that they're actually getting mentioned in news articles. Frequently they get into contests of oneupmanship--I met him at the taping, well I got him to kiss me, well I met his mother, and so on--at the gerardbutler.net forums. I'll digress for a moment to tell you my favorite story is how they once said that he was a "precious butterfly" who brought them together to, I presume, stare at him while he flutters around in a Mason jar. This was before they printed out several hundred pages of forum threads, IIRC, bound them together, and presented them to him.

(Wait, I lied. My favorite story is about the article where a Tart actually told a journalist that she has life-size dolls of him.) (ETA: AIEEEEE.)

"Does Gerard Butler think his fans are ‘crazy’?"

Yes. Yes, he does.

As the OP at ONTD then notes, "What was their reaction? According to the person who e-mailed me, they were horrified and set up new rules for their community." The rules (see link for full text) were leaked by an anonymous tipper:

Somebody e-mailed all of this to me, afraid to speak out because she didn’t want to be banned from the community! [My note: The forums are already pretty well known for "disappearing" posts that don't toe the party line.] To quote her:

However, know in advance that, if you accept this mission a legion of porculent grandmas and twiggy tweens will plague your life. It's drama...but a) they were asking for it and b) I firmly believe that it is just the brand of petty-bitchery that makes ONTD such giddy fun.

Petty bitchery, you say? Here begins the naming of names. (Scroll down to "LadyKatheryne.")


ETA: It's IMDB wank, but you get to see the players in action.

"What kind of weirdo would go chasing off to Scotland?" "I DID!" And they're off. Hang in there as the conversation changes from "You're crazy" to "No, we're not" to "Oh God, it's the gb.net people!" and thence to "Also, you are OLD."

The Man is changing like a magnificent Butterfly! I told y'all.

Thanks to Witchery Bitchery for the extra links.

The Hills Have WANK
So, last night I went to go see The (terrible) Hills Have Eyes, and ended up walking out about halfway through. Curious about if I was the only one to have this reaction (and, yes, wanting a bit of entertainment), I wandered over to IMDB.

Holy shit.

Jaredk starts the thread saying that the film is "just nasty." However, this post dates back to the end of February, while the movie was just released this weekend, so lemasteraustin says that if jaredk really *has* seen an advanced screening of the movie, then he can tell her/him how brutal the rape scene is. Jaredk says there is no "real rape scene."

And the can of wank is opened.

People argue about whether the scene was merely molestation or rape. Trolls jump in to say the rape scene was awesome. Lemasteraustin argues/wanks with multiple partners about which is worse: rape or murder, and whether rape has any place in horror movies.

Some choice lines:

You know what? If it were a choice between "just rape" (as in JUST forced non-consensual sexual intercourse with NO torture or extra brutality beyond that) and PHYSICAL TORTURE or DEATH, I would 100% of the time choose rape. It's not a decision I come to lightly, nor is it one that I wish to ever, EVER have to make, but in the end, it is a simple choice.

I'm a guy and I've never been raped. If I could chose between getting raped and dying (painlessly) I would have to choose rape, even if it was by one of the demons from 'Legend of the Overfiend'. I find the thought of nothingness after death sh!t scary. I understand that the mental anguish would be long lasting and most probably forever with rape but at the same time so can other bad experiences, either physical or mental.

hokay anyone ever noticed that Hillbillies are annoyingly creepy and extremely dangerous? (Texas) i think the government should have them marked as extremely dangerous and kept in their own high security places, becuase they freaking scare me more than anything else.

ok why is NOBODY noticing the fact that they're HILLBILLIES!?

i've noticed that a lot of the movies in which the people get killed in the middle of nowhere is because they're HILLBILLIES

hillbillies = end of world. they're massing for an attack. they're like sheep, they're going to take over.

yeah i know it was sick man just sick there is no rape scean that weired guys tries but the other monster get's him off her and then the other chick come's in and get's her tit suck lol

Your run of the mill IMDB wank. Enjoy.

Edit: (Because IMDB likes to mess with people) The title of the thread is "BRUTAL" started by jaredk.

Oh, the joys of imdb wank!

The other day I noticed a little trollish exercise started by one Herman Applebottom:

For those without imdb accounts, he asks:
What's the name of the old guy in Star Wars? He walks around with that cane with
the mosquito in it and created and park.

It seemed to fizzle out, and now it's back with a vengeance.

( And away we go... )

IMDB has a poll for worst and best movies of 2005. Mugglenet posts a call to arms for the Harry Potter fans to go out and vote for Goblet of Fire in the polls. And they come out in droves.....and some apparently without any common sense, seeing as somehow the movie ends up at one point at the top of the Best Documentary, Best Animated, and Best Foreign Language (Non-English)categories (not at the top of those anymore, but the fact that its still even listed in them.....).

The comments thread on the post at Mugglenet is a deluge of "OMG GOF BEST EVAR!!!" to how much the movie sucked and other films were much better. People openly admit that they voted for GOF in EVERY category, thinking its funny, and many call them on the lack of common sense. People debate the books vs. the movies, and which of the movies was actually better. Its an amusing read all around.

Bonus: Check out the backlash on the IMDB boards for the skewed voting....

ETA: Thanks to sarahkjrsten for pointing out the hilarity going on over this over at Leaky.

ETA 2: For those unable to read the boards at IMDB, a sampling of the threads over there....
Link 1
Link 2
Link 3
Link 4

…and that somehow leads to a big PETA “Meat is Murder” discussion! Don’t ask me, I really don’t understand how some wank happens. I just know it does.

Okay, this is the LAST POST from the imdb.com boards—I swear. The wank is too easy there…I need to CHALLENGE myself. But the wank is so FUNNY!!!

Okay. Saw II came out last Friday—I saw the first, and I enjoyed most parts of it, along with some of the trivia—however, like all of you, I’m sure, I’m EXTREMELY leery of sequels. I need some reassurance that it may be worth paying $3.00 for. IMDB time! Summaries are good, reviews are good, got almost 8 stars—obviously, public opinion says it’s not bad. But…I find myself…moving…towards…the boards…

And I find this.

Starts off as innocently as wank can—but it does jump right into the wank.

( I didn’t like Saw! That means NO ONE should like Saw! )

As such, we must ALL be disgusted, and we must ALL boycott it to prevent more movies like this from happening.

A troll hops in, but I didn’t see the comment—bah-leeted. I think it was about how boycotts are for fags. But IMDB doesn’t have a “Don’t Feed the Trolls” rule! So, people naturally feed it.

( Troll: Yummy! Wank to eat! )

Okay. Let's see. New movies that are coming out. Jarhead. Oh, that'll cause wank, definitely--already has. And, uh, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! That's already produced big buckets of wank (idiot director ruined Dumbledore's character, dammit)! There are tons of movies that are going to produce wank! What's a movie that one would NOT BE EXPECTING WANK FROM?

Chicken Little.

Yeah, I found a little teenie wank about the movie CHICKEN LITTLE. I'm not a fandom_wank vet....but...well, you read it.

( Fake? Sick? A turtle? What the hell IS this? )

Satire? Real? I DON'T KNOW. But...ENTER THE IDIOT.

( Speshul person )

As if dark-dune could let THAT go unanswered!

( I must protect the mentally handicapped! )

And it just goes downhill from there. Mini for now, but still.....dammit.

It may be small, but it's chock full of IMBD lunacy.

Over on the IMDB boards for the Lilo & Stitch tv series (which in my opinion blows every other Disney spinoff show out of the water), we have a thread about the possible return of Angel. For those of you who haven't seen the show, Angel is Experiment 624--I think that's the right number--and, well. Let's just say there's a very strong case for her being a canon Mary Sue. But we're here for the wank! Said wank is rather massive due to the instigator's 'unique' formatting, but I'm leaving it as-is so you folks get the full effect.

( HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  )

I'm quite afraid to look, but I'm almost certain that this Nima person is probably spewing her madness all over the series' board, so if you want more of her schizoid ravings, you know where to find it.

Why does my little fandom attract these weirdos? And why do we rival Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Dragonball Z for sheer volume of Mary Sue fanfiction? Ah, internet, you make me sad.

EDIT: Wow, I hit send too soon. I went ahead and looked at the rest of the board anyway...among other things, Nima announces Next week I am gonna kill myself. The reason I kill myself is because I am very upset. I am losing my husband and I have hard time at school and I couldn't take my life anymore. I am either gonna slit my own wrists, hang myself, place a plastic bag over my head or swallow medicines. I decided to place plastic bag over my head. Sorry guys.... I will miss all of you. I am all in your heart as always. This is my last week to talk to you guys at imdb.com</i>

INTERNET.

I was going through the IMDB site because I wanted some info on a VA known as Crispin Freeman. He's the one who voiced the infamous Albel Nox from Star Ocean 3 and the nutjob Albedo in Xenosaga. According to his bio, he's a "lovely, humble person".


Seems that someone doesn't agree!

Basically, according to "Holidame", Crispin is an ass and she wanted to SPIT on him! GAH! She felt that way because Crispin allegedly talked shit about one of her favorite voice actors and he never showed up to a banquet when her friend paid SO MUCH $$$$$$$$ to sit by him. Oh, and he didn't show up for a panel either.

Obviously, people don't agree and try to explain to her the possible reasons why he didn't show up. She doesn't seem to consider that.

This wank actually started in 2003 and went on until 2004. What makes this great is that Crispin Freeman himself shows up and well, sets the record straight.

Good reading!

In honor of teratologist's craving for chocolate; a deep rich multilayered torte of wank.

Over on IMDB is a page devoted to a remake of the movie based on Roald Dahl's lovely book "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
In the message boards, some people seem confused by the 'title change' and completely unaware that the 1971 movie was based on a book!!!

See book purists insulting the intelligence of movie fans, people complaining about and explaining the reasons for the various titles, speculation about if this will be a musical, how and if Danny Elfman and Tim Burton will save or ruin this film, and the hypothetical rotational movement of the author within his grave. (He loved the movie! No he hated it! But he wrote the screenplay! No, they butchered it!)

To make this pudding all the richer; the star of the upcoming remake is no other than Johnny Depp! See Depp fangirls squeeing, see Wilder fans bitching and moaning, see Tim Burton fans and haters duke it out in grand internet style!

This Wank has it all- watch posters invoke Manson (Which one, I'm not sure.) Nazi's, racism and Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon'.

So surreal. (Rather fitting, isn't it?)

tuliratsu:

But really! If a person like Dr. Lecter would treat me like he treated Clarice in these films (SotL & H) with respect and even awe I would have nothing against being eaten by a man like him. Sorry if you don't agree with me but Dr. Hannibal Lecter is so sexy in these films especially when talking to Clarice.  

Found here.

What can possibly be worse than Harry Potter and IMDb wank?

( Harry Potter IMDb wank - the blond leading the blind )

I dropped by IMDB to see if I could confirm a rumor that WWE Diva Trish Stratus is going to play Sonya Blade in the 3rd Mortal Kombat movie.

She's not listed in the role, so I check the message boards.

Oh dear...

( Highlights )