Lambda Literary Foundation: We're changing our submission criteria. From now on our GLBT literary award will only be given to self-identified GLBT authors.

( This does not go over well. )

Inglourious Basterds is the latest Quentin Tarantino movie. Oh No They Didn't, is a gossip site based on LJ that is big enough it's actually taken LJ severs out more than once all on its lonesome (I think the last time was when Michael Jackson died, but don't quote me). Eli Roth is the guy who plays Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz in Inglourious Basterds (he also wrote/directed Cabin Fever and Hostel and its apparently awful sequel. That guy).

It all started when Eli Roth discovered the Inglourious Basterds Kink Meme.

Surprisingly, not via a fangirl breaking the sacred rule of Though Shalt Not Force Porn On The People In It AFAIK, but all on his lonesome. He was pretty much amused and also decided to show it to and discuss it with Quentin Tarantino (who apparently agreed with him the Donny would be a top), and also Christoph Waltz (who played Landa in IB) and apparently his parents, because he's that kind of classy. This garnered many facepalms from fangirls in places like 100_scalps, but shockingly, very little wank.

This resulted in a lot of twittering porn at him and his discovery of ONTD. He made a I <3 ONTD sign. Something a fair few celebs have done in the past.

After that it kind of got out of control, progressing from ONTD changing his Wiki page to say he was their Official Boyfriend to him twittering he would think about all of ONTD when he jerked off the night, then posting a picture of a very used looking tissue, then to a very candid interview with questions from a lot of people at ONTD*, to-- and here's where the wank really started, pun utterly and completely intended-- having cyber sex with various ONTD'ers on his MySpace. The Eli Roth tag on ONTD contains basically every screen cap and citation, so I'm not linking to everything individually. Scroll on down.

Then it came out that some of said cyber sexin' ONTD'ers sent him pictures of their boobs.

ONTD proceeds to have a 5000 comment long flamewar consisting of the brilliant arguments (paraphrased, but I assure you all quite accurate as you will see if you click this link): YOU'RE SLUTS. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE.

I think, in conclusion, I would like to say that despite what you may think of Mr. Roth, he certainly knows how to make a girl laugh.

*This is the only thing that is locked, however, you only have to join ONTD to see it. It's... worth it.

[ETA]: Omar Doom answered a similar fangirl written survey for ONTD, said he wouldn't be at all opposed to seeing some fangirl boobs, and the wank goes ever on and on in the comments.

This wank brought to you by wank_report.

A bit of context: The Mammoth Book of Mindblowing SF is the next installment in the Mammoth Book anthology series edited by Mike Ashley. Recently, its table of contents, which lists the twenty-one stories and authors that will be included in the book, was posted on the SF Signal website.

Almost immediately, there is some grousing from the peanut gallery -- it seems that not one of the authors included in the lineup are (a)women, or (b)nonwhite. Commenters proceed to point this out, mostly keeping it down to a few sentences and seemingly content to speak up and move on. Luckily, Paul Di Filippo, one of the authors featured in the anthology, arrives on the scene, CAPS LOCK AT THE READY AND BRIMMING WITH RAGE.

( IF MAKING BAFFLING POTATO METAPHORS IS WRONG, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT! )

Meta wank of the sweetest kind. 2010 Readercon is being advertised as "This IS your father's con". Needless to say, this is not met with huzzahs. Catherynne M. Valente proposes an alternative to the 2010 Readercon--a gathering of fans at her island place. The man who has singlehandedly run programming for Readercon for 20 years immediately responds with you are wrong and escalates from there, with you are very young or possibly foreign, and my personal favorite, you have to have a score of at least 790 on the analytical section of the GRE to do programming for Readercon. Many people laugh at him. Eric Van says he is no longer responding to stupid comments, and then copy&pastes his everyone IMPORTANT loved us comment everywhere he can find.

Meanwhile, Readercon backtracks quickly.

And for your tasting pleasure, now with added name-calling and objectification of the young, female fans!

eta: Obviously Eric Van could not delegate programming decisions, because no one else gets a 790 on the analytical section of the GRE. But why not use a computer program, someone suggests. Eric gently explains that the "combinatorics problem" is far too complicated for a simple computer program.

(Be warned: long wank report is LONG. Continuation of this clairvoyantwank post. ETAs are under the third cut.)

This weekend, Torchwood fans flocked to Chicago for TorchSong, a John Barrowman-centric convention with a website that looks like it was modeled after a Geocities page circa 1997, a half-assed commercial that aired on BBC America, and some awfully expensive tickets.

When the con was first announced, the only guests were John, his sister Carole, and Mark Sheppard. When people started emailing the organizers about possible other guests, they were emphatically told while more guests would be coming, there would be no other Torchwood guests because it was a John Barrowman event, not a Torchwood event.

Ticket sales apparently convinced them this was not a good strategy, so over the following months they added Kai Owen, Tom Price, and Gareth David Lloyd. Fans squeed, and despite being not particularly impressed with the organizers' behavior, they willingly plonked down as much as $500 to see John and friends and to see John perform. (Later, 'special' auction packages went for up to $1,410.)

Then things start to go wrong.

On Wednesday, Kai Owen was forced to drop out due to a family emergency. Thursday, the day before the con began, they announced that John Barrowman had torn ligaments in his ankle and he would not be attending.

Aaaaand we're off.

( Act I: Pre-Con )

( Act II: The Convention )


( Act III: The Ongoing Aftermath )
ETA3: "UR JUST JELUS!!"

ETA4: Con-goers have now created their own special clubhouse: torch_tanic (torchsong_09 post announcing it. Commenters are not amused, but you'd never know it because she deleted all the wholly negative ones. Raise your hand if you've got a screencap.) (Thank you kaylamds for the heads-up.)

As those of you who haven't been living under a rock may know, a new Star Trek movie just came out. Over on fanficrants, roq is upset about this. Apparently, TEENAGERS are now WRITING in HER fandom! Quelle suprise!

She has some choice words to say about it.

( Wank long and prosper )

So I've been idly checking back here on and off all day to see if this wank's been reported yet, and finally decided I should just go ahead and write it up myself.

So, apparently, a big spoiler for the upcoming "Heroes" season finale broke on the interwebs yesterday. Today, the interwebs are responding in fine form, determined to break the "Heroes" writers right back.

Here, we have what started out as a spoiler wank, which has forked off into 'ship wanks, character hate wanks, an entitlement wank, and Fandom v. Fandom wank. Three Four wanks for the price of one!

( Runs a bit long. Also, do I really need to say that a spoiler wank will contain spoilers? )

I come bearing fresh Supernatural wank, because I'm sure none of you are tired of it by now.

A little background: The most recent episode, entitled "The Monster at the End of This Book", was pretty much "A Very Meta Supernatural". It involved ( Spoilers, and lots of juicy crazy follow herein )

( Wherein some fans hate the show like they've never hated a show before )

Dear Author is a genre book review blog and this Romance Novel review is hilarious all on its own. (Completely NWS excerpts are posted as part of the review.)

But some commenters get a little tetchy and accuse the reviewer of OMG HATING THE AUTHOR! It's fairly polite as wanks go. Then there are some faily arguments about whether or not the author is using racial caricatures or not. (note: that wasn't the funny part.)

Enter Stevie who tells everyone they are interpreting it all from the wrong perspective and their arguments wouldn't hold up in court. No really. And don't miss hir witty zingers there are near misses on both Godwin's and Snacky's laws which are tongue in cheek.

And yet Stevie refuses to see anyone's point about "gentleman's bathrooms".

Watchmen screenwriter David Hayter writes a sincere but slightly tongue-in-cheek open letter on Hardcore Nerdity to Watchmen fans and non-fans, to urge them to see the movie more than once in order to understand it.

One of his other points is that he thinks those who hate the movie on principle without having seen it should let it marinate in their minds and give it a chance:

It may upset you. And it probably will upset you.

And all along, we really meant it to. ...All this time, you’ve been waiting for a director who was going to hit you in the face with this story. To just crack you in the jaw, and then bend you over the pool table with this story. With its utterly raw view of the darkest sides of human nature, expressed through its masks of action and beauty and twisted good intentions... Like the Comedian on the Grassy Knoll. ...You'll be thinking about this film, down the road. It'll nag at you. How it was rough and beautiful. How it went where it wanted to go, and you just hung on. How it was thoughtful and hateful and bleak and hilarious. And for Jackie Earle Haley.

Trust me. You'll come back, eventually. Just like Sally.

Comments begin in the 'we love Watchmen (although some of us have reservations about the swinging massive blue dong), go Dayter' mould, until people, from page three onwards, suddenly notice the metaphor he used to describe how the movie should make you feel:

DUDE. No one asks to be cracked in the jaw and bent over the goddamned pool table. Was there NO OTHER ANALOGY you could have used? Do you realize that you're comparing your movie to a rapist and the moviegoers to victims asking for it? And what is this "You'll come back. Just like Sally" crap? Do you have any f***ing idea how offensive that is? Could you not have come up with some other analogy, some other pithy tag, something that doesn't make it out like the Comedian was doing Silk Spectre a f***ing favor when he beat her bloody and tried to rape her?

Did you mean to do that?? If not, erm, consider your words more carefully next time you do the "open letter" thing, because wow, did that part get away from you.

Dayter comments on page 7 with an apology claiming he does not condone violence against women, which is edited into the original article. People briefly thank him for apologising, and then attack him again. Dayter responds graciously via huge spoonfuls of sarcasm and retracting his apology (page 8):

Clearly, you can't get less hateful or spewy than that. I humbly retract the statement.

Anyway, I'm sorry you disliked the film.

And you're right, I don't know why I ever set out to do this in the first place. It's really the world I'm hurting. Damn my family, and their almost-constant need for food!

On top of all of this there's huge amounts of movie rage, but the best thing about the whole altercation is the people at Hardcore Nerdity going so far as to make a video response urging people to LEAVE DAYTER ALONE, starring a very angry Dr. Manhattan.

Taking your children to see Watchmen is child abuse? -found at wank_report

Conservative blogger's "review" starts:

"If you take your kids to see "Watchmen," you're a moron.

If you see it yourself, you're also probably a moron and a vapid, indecent human being. The movie arrives in theaters at Midnight, Thursday Night. It's rated "R"--which should kinda sorta be a hint--but it really deserves an "NC-17," at the very least. And plenty of clueless parents brought their young kids and kept them there for the entire almost three hour "experience" at the screening I attended."

She can't stop bitching that it is somehow being marketed to children because there are people in superhero costumes. Or something. Are there like happy meals with these characters or something? I honestly don't have a clue about the marketing and am curious now. There's a video game--but like the movie it is rated for Mature Audiences Only.

There are comments over and over that Debbie doesn't get it. SHE DOES THOUGH! IN ALL CAPS! AND WE'RE ALL MORONS IF WE DISAGREE WITH HER!!

My favorite comment:

"Its not enough to feed children to Molech to satisfy depraved adult desires. No we must show children what adult desires are like when they are young enough before they are fed to Molech."

Yesssss, it makes them more tender to traumatize them first.

Also her photo scares the bejeezus out of me. Instead of ponies with hateful eyes watching me sleep, I am sure I will now see her in my nightmares.

ETA:
She posted about Watchmen again and the screed is even less comprehensible. One of her commenters calls himself "Uncle Joe McCarthy." D: The Godwins breakage is coming up like kudzu.

OK, first thing is first: If you're eating while browsing F_W right now, you may not want to read this post. Things are going to get a little gross.

A handwriting meme has been going around FurAffinity. It's pretty simple: Answer the given questions in your own handwriting. A fun and overall innocent little time waster.

That is, until thedarkwolfzearoth decided to pee on his filled out meme and scan it. Since he's marked it mature, one must be over 18 and have a FA account (which anyone can sign up for) to view it. So for the brave of stomach the scanned meme is here.

"Someone asked me on the original why I didn't mark the paper. I thought it through and realized I should have since my scent marks are as much as part of my signature as my name written with a pen."

As one would hope, this results in many disgusted comments. The situation is far from one-sided however, as deathclub is there to white knight all over for thedarkwolfzearoth's right to urinate! Some choice quotes:

"im pretty sure he hurt you so much with peeing on a paper... wow your eyes must bleed now or something or your arms just fell of or something o.o It must be one of such things, since you make so much drama about it... srsly... its just a peed paper... its not blood or scat or something, its just a wet piece of paper... (in fact it dried before he scanned it) its not a part of his body he choped of ... srsly let him do what he want as long as nobody gets hurt when he does it..."

"ok i replied to all you flamers an be sure, i will not answer to any reply you will give, if you have problems, send me a note. or look into my profile, there are my messenger names, IM me, if you can take a serious discussion under 4 eyes"

"yeah he did... why dont you make more photos of your granny and post it on FUR affinity and let him pee his papers?"

This is by FAR the classiest wank I've ever posted, I think.

ETA: For those who don't want to make an FA account to view the comments (and who could blame you?), here are some screencaps: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16.

thedarkwolfzearoth is now emphasizing how this was all supposed to be a joke! I mean, yes it's really his urine and all, but he did it for the lulz! So it's OK!

Over in scans_daily today there was a post containing a recent xkcd strip about Nice Guys (TM).

Cue two-hundred comments worth of people arguing about whether people who makes friends with someone just in the hopes of eventually dating them are just shy and insecure, or if they're manipulative assholes.

It's not the most vicious wank in the world, but it does contain the occasional gem like:

"People like that need insulting if it helps them stop acting that way."

"Well, some say the same about women who keep staying in relationships where they get beaten."

An incredibly popular furry artist named Adam Wan (aka Zaush) decides to put a sculpture of his character up (VERY NOT WORK SAFE) for auction to try and raise some money. It is, for those not able to click, an anthropomorphic wolf with a removable loincloth containing a TOY SURPRISE (and by that I mean a penis). He sets the reserve at $500.

The highest bid by auction's end is $490. He stands firm and refuses to sell it, making a post about his disappointment. Also deleted! Comments come in, at first at how unbelievable it is that the fine piece of art didn't sell. Soon, however...

neil137: "i'm sorry to hear that you couldn't get what you wanted for it, but the best bid was 490$...how is that unacceptable? >-> guess im amoung the chuckling crowd v.v"
Zaush: "Ok, so let's assume I spent 60 hours on it, which is only about a week and half of, and I know I spent more time on it than that... at 500$ that is $8.33 an hour. So I'd be selling a labor of love for minimum wage? I make more than that in a few days at my work, so what is my incentive to sell this for that little?"

Shigoto:"The stigma in this situation is FURRIES period. The fandom is natorious with the phrase "i would but i dont have money" If i didnt know better the fandom was comprised almost entirely of hobos and beggers....."
Zaush:"Or kids living with their parents, not really making an effort to better themselves, because they think they live on the internet."

If you can believe it, this subject has spawned over two hundred comments.

( More amusing quotes about the high quality/lack thereof of endowed canine sculptures go here! )

ETA: Today, Zaush makes another journal post in response to the replies to his previous post. Deleted! But I saved the OP. Emphasis mine.

"Going through the comments on my previous journal, it seems like a lot of people have titanic amounts of shit-talking to get out of their system. If the high reserve amount I set on a personal item is their new excuse for telling me I'm an arrogant piece of shit, then they probably need REAL issues in their life to be upset about.

Those that think I was selling that sculpture to "make money" are pretty much missing the point. I wanted to generate some cash to get me by until the first paycheck went through at my new job. I set the reserve to a high enough amount that I wouldn't be disappointed to see it go, because I really didn't want to see it go, but I didn't need the money so badly that I'd settle for less. If I showed the sculpture off, and said it wasn't for sale, people would lambaste me for being so egotistical that I wouldn't sell it. The way I see it is, I set the reserve as my own proxy bid, and won my own auction. I'm pretty happy I did.

I admit I can be a little full of myself at times, and need people to put me in my place, but some of the things you people say are obscenely hurtful. Do some of you think I'm not a person, that I'm just a symbol of everything you want to hate in life? It's probably liberating to spout such textual diarrhea at me, either in my submissions, journals, or behind my back in LOL forums. After all, I can't even defend myself or get mad at you without "tarnishing" my image like some kind of politician, so I have no way of winning, right?

This experience has taught me several important things:

Furry fans...
1) are pretty fucking mean when they want to be
2) love free stuff
3) usually don't have any money
4) love you one minute, hate you the next
5) for one reason or another, prefer to be anonymous

To put things into perspective, I don't do furry art for a living. I really shouldn't care much what other people say about me in this fandom, but what I hear doesn't inspire me to keep giving. The primary motivation I have to draw furry art is the enjoyment and enthusiasm others show for what I publicly share, so when I constantly have to roll with the punches, what's the point?"

ETA the Second: HEY. Bet you thought this was over. Well, not quite.

Sonderjen decided to make a little statue of his own in honor of the Zaush debacle!

Zaush's SO is not pleased.

As most of you (in fandom, and some who aren't) probably know already, JKR gave £1 Million to the Labour party.

As this included celebrity, politics and Harry Potter, I knew there must be wank somewhere! Oh, internets, you so rarely disappoint. Posted to fandom_wank, because no-one would really care if she wasn't famous and hadn't created Harry Potter.


Bitch! I knew I always hated Harry Potter for a reason

Dogberry: Bloody celebrity socialists, if they are that 'socially aware' they should give all their money to the poor.

Snouter: I never understood the retards who were intrigued by the garbage books she put together. But then again, the Jonas Brothers have also captivated the imagination of today's retards so it is simply folks exploiting the retarded mentality of today's youth.

Datamass: Yeah what is it with the guilty rich who want to force other people to give up all of their money while they only give up a small portion.

I'm beginning to think they are just using socialism as a means to acquire more wealth under the guise of the common good.Essentially they're just playing their bullshit games to get people to give up as much money as they can so they can snatch it up. After all, with money comes power. Those who have the money rule.

Forcing people to "give" at gunpoint is not helping anything.
The greatest of crimes have always been in the name of "the common good", or in the name of helping the poor unfortunate.
So why don't you give up your money to help the poor if you're so concerned for them?
Lead by example, none of this "do as I say not as I do" shit.

( Read more... )

Here's a recent addition to Torchwood wankage, brought to you by a kind anonymouse who submitted it to wank_report, only this time with the added bonus of plagiarism on behalf of the unofficial torchwood guide author.

Funtimes as someone publishes an unofficial guide to Torchwood. Containing pages of reviews from fans on livejournal without their permission.
Amazon.com version
UK Amazon.com version

People are less than pleased.

whereas some are quite happy to be featured.

Leave the author alone!

Differing views of copyright laws

People suggesting going to the tabloids to get their own back.

Meme view:

Reply from author


Oh dear. I'd like to see what'll happen if this bloke makes a fortune on this guidebook and who will be the first LJer to actually initiate a lawsuit. Should be an interesting case to watch on the evening news.

Spinning Spinsters decides to write an essay about how fan culture is highly conservative, and bolsters and propagates male supremacist ideas.

People in the comments seem to agree with her and thank her for having opened their eyes to how they're really just serving The Man by writing about guys getting on it.

But wait! Is such blanket approval natural? Not in the least.

As soon as she starts getting disagreements that are pro-slash, she deletes them on the grounds that such defenses can be found anywhere. She also refuses to link to any examples because it'd be unhelpful/too much work, and characterizes most femmeslash stories as being like lesbian pornography.

For bonus points, she apparently also has the power to edit comments if they talk about women in unacceptable ways. Though it's okay to say that on House, 'the women on that show are so lousy, either shrews or sex objects or both', so I'm curious as to what she doesn't find acceptable.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to serve The Man.

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a LiveJournal user called _allecto_ who hated Joss Whedon and his so called feminist reputation, and was determined to expose him for what he was.

To that end, she posted a rant on her LiveJournal which, to be quite frank, has to be read to be believed.

Here.

Highlights:
Zoe calls Mal 'sir' (thereby proving that Joss hates women).

Mal threatens to duct-tape Kaylee's mouth and lock her in the hold (thereby proving that _allecto_ would not recognise humour if it bit her on the butt while wearing a Groucho Marx disguise...oh, and Joss hates women).

The best bit?

On the strength of Joss' work on Firefly and interviews she has seen, _allecto_ alleges that:

I feel awful for Joss Whedon's wife. From what I've read about him and the interviews I've watched, I'm fairly certain that he rapes his wife and abuses her in various other ways.

Because _allecto_ appears to be screening comments (can't imagine why) or deleting any she doesn't like (ditto), disagreeing comments can be found in another LJ:

here.

~~~

ETA: Whedonesque reacts.

Screencaps of Whedonesque before it's gone can be found here.

Remember teh_no? He's been involved in some amusing wanks in the past, including "Fandom wimmins are sexist!", "I can totally pwn Warren Ellis!" and "You didn't comment on my fanfic, you pedo bitch!"

Back in November, brown_betty posted a few theories about teh_no, sockpuppets and scans_daily. This prompted surprisingly little fall-out.

Well, teh_no did comment on monkeycrackmary's journal asking, "What did I ever do to you?", apparently working on the principle that Betty is Mary's sockpuppet. And also on the principle that Mary would have forgotten teh_no calling her a pedophile. And there was a complicated little exchange on teh_no's journal. (Note that Betty's brutal expose was posted on November 15.)

But, all in all, rather quiet. Certainly nothing that ended up on f_w, anyway.

However, on December 13, teh_no posted: "So fast, my posts at fanficrants have inspired a metaquote and icons. I can only imagine that a movie offer is next. Oh, BB, I totally forgive you for all those things you said about me. Dissecting the badfic skeletons in your closet is more than worth your harsh words."

So, what badfic skeletons are in this mysterious "BB"'s closet?

Well, there's this one, this one and this one. Allegedly.

You see, the mod of weepingcock has spotted something:

"Is it possible that you would prefer not to link to the original author because the excerpts are from an online Hustler novel (this post, in particular, comes from page 10, BTW) and not, in fact, from Batman fanfic as you've previously claimed in fanficrants?"

Oops.

koshiroryuu then decides it's only fair to expose the badfic skeletons in teh_no's closet. And, oh boy, are there a lot.

Not that it's his fault, of course. A girl made him do it.

ETA Disclaimer: I have tangled with teh_no in the past and can be seen in the comments of Betty's post. I'm not involved in the current wank.

ETA: Year One: I forgot to include some tantalising hints teh_no dropped as to the identity of 'BB'. She's somebody from "Batman fandom, sorry to say" and also somebody who fancies herself quite the feminist." Why, it's almost as if he's describing brown_betty!

ETAfall: And banninated from fanficrants.

The ETA Knight: Also banninated from weepingcock.