My friends:

I have just found a wank that arguably combines elements of three of the classic wanks recently featured in the Deathmatch: His Wife, A Horse, the Snapewives, and My Ponies Hate You Now.

Simply put: Deviant Art member Kevinsano specializes in My Little Pony art. However, another Bronie recently wrote him a letter asking him to curtail his more erotic MLP art, particularly art depicting Twilight Sparkle - because, argued this correspodent, he and Twilight Sparkle were engaged.

I'm totally head over heels in love with Twilight Sparkle. I have been for 11 months now and at this point I'm in a committed relationship with my Twiley.

Actual email reproduced here. MTV coverage here, and the AV club weighs in here.

Enjoy.

Updated: For your convenience, a dramatic reading of the letter, if you prefer podcasts...

Update the Second: The blushing bridegroom's account of his love story on the MLP fandom fora. (I couldn't get the link to the profile to work, so than you for this!) (Update of the update: link now goes to a Googlecache as the forum link proper stopped working.)

marikocure has a dream, that one day man and pokeman will live in peace and know one another. Biblically.

She wants to know, more specifically, how the rest of the Pokemon community thinks pokemon would feel about a man/mon match. She doesn't find that answer, but rather, how a lot of the community feel about it.

Hilarityensues.

Someone compares pokeality to homosexuality. Not funny, d00ds.

Sadly no one brings up the fact that a pokemaster and his darling Victreebel would be in an inherent BDSM relationship. But there are still more lulz to be had.

EDIT: They deleted it, but I have PRESERVED IT FOR POSTERITY.

http://img18.imageshack.us/img18/3526/pokewife.jpg

I would not recommend attempting to view that image if you have dial up.

First True Blood wank!! *is excited*

Here I present you: midnight_charm's crazy shipping theories.


( Bill Compton, the Lord of the Rings )

( YOU ALL HAVE BEEN FOOLED. This is what REALLY happened at the beginning of episode 9 )

ETA: I added some more explanations for our non-True Blood fans :). My additions to the quotes are in [].

This Avatar wank brought to you by wank_report.

It was the first day of a shiny new year, full of possibility and promise, when tireanavi created tothehometree, "a community for all those who identify with the Na'vi race in some way - people who are Na'vi on a spiritual or mental level, people who are reincarnated Na'vi, Na'vi souls trapped in human forms, people who worship the great Eywa, etcetera."

And for a time, love and acceptance swept across the land. Cake, glitter, ponies! But alas, the peace was eventually shattered.

By a Swedish, bipedal wolf manta ray.

( Read more... )

Is there a crisis going on in the SPN fandom? Could it be possible that Jensen Ackles really doesn't matter? I am no longer a die-hard fan of Jensen Ackles. In fact, I really don't like him much anymore.

But wait! No! This must be an error! Because: "Why Jensen Ackles Matters"

There's a truckload of mind-boggling awesome tl;dr there, so ( let me give you the highlights: )

Sophie Briand and Susannah Eanes - evidently these two wacky kids professional, intelligent, educated, hotass women are one and the same.

BONUS WANK: J2 fans have moved into true tinhat territory: Yes, it's time for the clothing shoutouts!

How very 2002. Domlijah called, they want their schtick back.

ETA: The author has shown up in esorlehcar's journal, claiming it was all fiction, although her friends seem a little appalled and hurt. However, capslock means it was all a joke, evidently!

If it's fiction, does that mean she and her friends aren't intelligent and hot?

ETA 2:

1) susannaheanes has deleted her LJ AND the essay! But it was just FICSHUN! AND FOR THE LOLZ! Alas.

2) Evidently there is nothing more wrong than finding something funny. Only the author and her friends can do that!

3) Evidently me posting this wank is a violation of FW policy! After not explaining how this is to me, she made a very brave post, in which she stood up for her beliefs and completely fail to understand a word Sep said. Now all her friends who are FW members are going to quit or protest or something, I guess. Strangely, these same people who are so concerned with the FW policy, including susannaheanes, do not realize that trolling esorlehcar's journal is a violation of the FW's rules.

I'm sorry, I no longer believe in their intelligence, or hotness. D:

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Originally on Stupid Free .

The WoW webcomic, Looking for Group, features a elven hunter named Cale'Anon.  princess_magpie runs  friends_of_lfg, and is a big fan of Cale'Anon. She makes fanart, T-shirts for each day of the week, and...dolls.  Large dolls. Almost life-size dolls.

Whatever could she do with a couple of almost life-size dolls, you ask? Well, she likes to hug them alot, for starters.  

It turns out she likes to do a lot more with them.  One day, the LJ comm nonwiccanwitch got an introductory post from a saraphyx .  

I have an elven spirit lover, whom I have been with since I was seventeen. He is my guide and protector, and I also consider him my familiar spirit, because he helps me with my magic.

In saraphyx's journal, there is a once public, but now locked, post  where she describes her lover as an anatomically correct doll. Since the doll post was public when saraphyx made her nonwiccanwitch post, the comments lol at discuss this. 

ETA: white_serpent found a cache of the post  here.  Crappily screencapped by me here.


A fae_lord appears to defend saraphyx.  Oh look, he has a Cale'Anon icon.  Could this be saraphyx's elven lover? Why yes, it is!


Both journals were made on April 1st,  so people naturally call troll.  However, there is the matter of princess_magpie and the Cale'Anon doll posts.  skullard , a mod for another LfG comm,  confirms that  saraphyx is indeed princess_magpie, and has a long history of batshit.  So much for the troll idea, then.


The crazy contiues past April Fool's as fae_lord makes his own post to tell everyone off for being so meeeeean to his love.  

nonwiccanwitch fills itself with wank posts on the subject. 


Flounce:  I'm glad to be me.  I'm glad I f--- my doll, and I'm glad I'm alive.  Take me or leave me.

Unflounce.  The practice I use in which I communicate with my guardian is not so unusual;  for a start, there's something called 'soulbonding,' 

ETA: saraphyx's new comm: spirit_lovers. Snapewives need invites Y/Y?

Secrets kept popping up on Fandom Secrets hinting at a person who was convinced that they were dating Zachary Quinto of Heroes fame. Most people didn't know what was going on until the other day, when freetheelves2 pops out of the woodworks to tell us that she was getting bored. People asked for an explanation and things quickly devolved. I had posted to fandom lounge asking about the situation and as it devolved into wank twentythree posted it to clairvoyantwank.

The next day, the entire thread of wank disappears. Too bad the internet never forgets (it's a zip file with saved webpages). Another thread is started to discuss the deletion. It's decided that they should take it to a private journal to save it from all these mysterious deletions (about three threads have been deleted at this point). cazrolime creates a post to discuss the situation. The discussion of this thread on FS is later deleted.

This is where the fun stuff begins. It comes to light that freetheelves2 is using her psychic mother to figure out who's been posting secrets about her and sending her 800+ f-list after them. And her point of contact with Zachary Quinto is her 12-year-old medium sister. That's right folks, apparently she's dating him on the astral plane! And he sends her letters and family heirloom earrings through spirits, through her medium sister...or something.

All is full of lulz until the cavalry arrives to defend their friend's honor and break Snacky's Law. They staunchly defend freetheelves' sanity, while slinging around the word moot (which apparently meand vagina down under). The defenders start taking a page from freetheelves' book and deleting their comments as they are attacked by mice enraged by their comparisons to current tragedies in the news and attempted guilt trips about the possibility of freetheelves hurting herself.

And if that wasn't a fun enough romp for you, the mice and medoroa bring the funny with an amusing exchange of Sylar/Mohinder wedding photos.

Edited: freetheelves2 addresses the issues and breaks Snacky's Law and she is already aware of our presence. Thanks a lot numbnuts mouse.

Edited again: Annoying sock is annoying revealed to be a freetheelves supporter. What a surprise.

A Note to the Mice (and anyone else asking)
We actually have rules here on Fandom Wank. Rule number 6 states Do not link to locked material. So no matter how much you want proof or lulz or whatever from FTE's super sekrit filter posts, you can't have them. Please stop being morons and asking for them. Certainly don't post them! The mods will take your mouse power away.

Hey look! A mouse wrote this wank a Theme Song!

Yet Another Edit: Some of the former super secret filter friends are doing a little Q&A Thread.

A Note to the Mice (and anyone else asking) Part 2
Snacky says "summarizing the flocked posts is pretty much a no-go here too. This is a JF-wide thing, not just a FW thing, and we'd really like not to piss off the JF admins and respect their wishes."

Let's review:
Don't link to locked posts.
Don't ask to be linked to locked posts.
Don't c&p locked posts.
Don't encourage the posting of locked posts.
Don't summarize locked posts.
Don't [verb of your choice] locked posts!

NB. This is a fairly long post, since the forum I'm linking to is unreliable in its availability at any given time, and there's just so much here to turn your mind inside out. Also, warning for extreme creepiness and fannish mental instability. Thanks to julian_black who first discovered this fan.

SeverelyObsessed/Lady Darkness was in love with Severus Snape. So she did what any red-blooded woman would do and made a webpage in honour of that love. On the webpage were many pictures of Alan Rickman, but also her Marriage Vows To Snape.

( My Personal Unbreakable Vow to Severus... )

In case the viewer was left unaware of her total devotion to S. Snape, she also posted a photograph of her shrine to the Potions Master.

The course of true love never did run smooth. After a time, she felt she was slipping in her devotion to Snape. Days would go by when she didn't post more than a hundred squeeing messages on various Snape fan forums. Eventually she had to renew her vows.

( 'I will stop demanding you to come and see me, as I should respect your wishes.' )

( Letters to Severus, Dream Appearances, Treason Within the Ranks of the Snapefans, and Finally, The Break-Up. Also six special ETAs. )

ETA 7: I wasn't going to ETA anymore, but well,

Snapemaniac's comment to SnapeTatoo!Rose:

"Hey Rose! Did you know that Severus warned me quite a while back to beware who found out about us believing in him? Plus, more recently, HE told me to beware who I trust/speak to on the computer.
Now I know why.
He is something."

ETA 8: It's official. Snape has forbidden his followers to post at Fandom Wank.

5002 comments and we're done! Thanks everyone for coming! The after-party's at Fandom Lounge.

Ahhhh, the smell of batshit in the morning, to quote someone from the wank.

Fanficrants is often a source of some interesting wank and such, but this one hit a whole new level of it.

So there's this chick, see, she likes X-Men fandom just a teensy bit too much, as posted here in FFR.

( Hooboy. )

But it gets BETTER, ladies and germs, because the nutter in question hath SEEN the FFR rant and gotten positively irate.

( My children love him like they love Jesus! )

But wait, here's the batshit trifecta!

"scottswife" responds directly!

( UR ALL L00SERS! )

elsewhere7 gets it FTW!

I don't think it's over!

Besides, everyone knows that he loves Emma anyway.

ETA the first!: She's back! Troll or hoax, this is some primo stuff

ETA the second!: baron_waste shows up to tell us how dumb we are to think this is real:

( UR ALL DUM! )

My word, but we lot are enjoying this.

And Scott's Wife is responding to questions, complete with furbashing!

Does everybody remember the wank about the fan-made Sonic the Hedgehog character who was used in smutfic by some deranged guy who believes he can talk to the character on some astral plane? Probably not.

So here's a reminder.

Anyway, now his forum about the astral plane and ki is featured at Something Awful.

I know it's not really wank, but I figured it might be fun from a 'point and laugh' point of view.

yukidragon posts in her lj a rather long bit of drama over here.

To sum it up briefly: Guy meets girl. Guy decides he likes girl's character and that he is in love with her and has married her on the astral plane somewhere. Guy wants girl to bring character over from the astral plane so he can be with her.

Yeah, you read that right. She's got testimonials, logs of conversation saved, screenshots, the works. He's also apparently been Something Awful as the Awful Link of the Day last year and is more recently featured on Portal of Evil.

Oh, and that's not the end of this either. Naturally, people are going to comment. Such as an anonymous 'third party' who wants to settle matters. (This is quite beautiful wank in progress, actually.)

This all sound familiar to me, and may have been wanked previously. So, here's an update for all you true believers.

It may be small, but it's chock full of IMBD lunacy.

Over on the IMDB boards for the Lilo & Stitch tv series (which in my opinion blows every other Disney spinoff show out of the water), we have a thread about the possible return of Angel. For those of you who haven't seen the show, Angel is Experiment 624--I think that's the right number--and, well. Let's just say there's a very strong case for her being a canon Mary Sue. But we're here for the wank! Said wank is rather massive due to the instigator's 'unique' formatting, but I'm leaving it as-is so you folks get the full effect.

( HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  )

I'm quite afraid to look, but I'm almost certain that this Nima person is probably spewing her madness all over the series' board, so if you want more of her schizoid ravings, you know where to find it.

Why does my little fandom attract these weirdos? And why do we rival Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Dragonball Z for sheer volume of Mary Sue fanfiction? Ah, internet, you make me sad.

EDIT: Wow, I hit send too soon. I went ahead and looked at the rest of the board anyway...among other things, Nima announces Next week I am gonna kill myself. The reason I kill myself is because I am very upset. I am losing my husband and I have hard time at school and I couldn't take my life anymore. I am either gonna slit my own wrists, hang myself, place a plastic bag over my head or swallow medicines. I decided to place plastic bag over my head. Sorry guys.... I will miss all of you. I am all in your heart as always. This is my last week to talk to you guys at imdb.com</i>

INTERNET.