I read the strangest rant today. How strange you say? So strange no one can agree just whether it's even a rant at all!

OP replies to requests to clarify, a few times, while a brave idealist attempts first contact, before realizing only a sucker would try to breach such impenetrable walls of WTF.

A random potshot at someone's fic-writing skills prompts the best simile ever.

The more persistent commenters dig through the layers of Bizarro-talk until they uncover the truth: OP is... 'anti-criticism'?

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SMILEYS.

And shattered idealism is shattered.

ETA: aslongasitlasts has studied the people of FFR. He's like a magic 8-ball, in a way.

And wank_report has some too.

ETA2: Modly intervention. But he wants to be banned. No, really.

ETA s'more: Post got blanked and F-locked. Comm membership is open, though.

The ETA Apocalypse Now: Comments are being baleeted at random, and the original post is replaced by the preface to The Picture of Dorian Gray. It's the final troll blowout, people.

ETA Captain Obvious:: Oh, so that's what started it. Taunting the mod, and then deleting comments (A no-no in ffr^2). He's banned now, but you wouldn't know because the mod comment that said that is... deleted!

ETA Cry For Justice: There are 409 Google caches of the wank still with pre-baleetion comments. Saving the ones I can before they update.

Spinning Spinsters decides to write an essay about how fan culture is highly conservative, and bolsters and propagates male supremacist ideas.

People in the comments seem to agree with her and thank her for having opened their eyes to how they're really just serving The Man by writing about guys getting on it.

But wait! Is such blanket approval natural? Not in the least.

As soon as she starts getting disagreements that are pro-slash, she deletes them on the grounds that such defenses can be found anywhere. She also refuses to link to any examples because it'd be unhelpful/too much work, and characterizes most femmeslash stories as being like lesbian pornography.

For bonus points, she apparently also has the power to edit comments if they talk about women in unacceptable ways. Though it's okay to say that on House, 'the women on that show are so lousy, either shrews or sex objects or both', so I'm curious as to what she doesn't find acceptable.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to serve The Man.

We are falling behind on the Sparkledammerung, you guys. Previously: Twilight had its own Carpet Book. Fresh off the truck:

>> Don't Burn It, Return It!

Just got back from Borders, where they took back my book with no problem. Got into a discussion with the cashier about how I was the 15th (!!!) person to bring my book back today. Seems like many customers felt that SM was not true to her characters and her self created Twilight world, and are calling foul.

(See also: Half.com's BD listing; more anecdata at iworkatborders and ONTD).

>> Two new communities are up, mmmcradle (specifically protesting ( spoiler )) and whysofailsmeyer, and those are just the ones I know of.

>> Epic ONTD post is epic, complete with macros and Dark Knight rewrites (ALFREDS EYES WERE A BUTTERY, BURNING GOLD; HIS PERFECT FACE ALMOST SEVERE WITH THE DEPTH OF HIS EMOTION AS HE STARED INTO MY EYES AND SHOUTED "NEVAH").

I hear the Twilight Moms board is supposed to open back up today (apparently Stephenie Meyer asked her fan boards to go on hiatus prior to the book release...?), so that should be interesting. ETA: The Twilight Moms loved it! Bless. ETA 2: ... And so it begins. ETA 3: And continues! ETA 4: NO DISSENT!

ETA 5: It was a social experiment test, Twihards, and you failed it! Also: Godwin's. Also-also: She couldn't have been referencing Lolita... could she?

ETA 6: OH SHI--

ETA 7: Alleged MySpace defriending by the author!

ETA 8: A new letter-writing campaign: EDIT MOAR; a J/B shipper decides to rewrite the book.

By the way, you guys, if something else happens, feel free to post a new entry. I'll be over here battening down the LJ hatches.

ETA 9: Seriously, people, there is some fantastic wank linked in the comments now. SOMEONE ELSE TAKE A TURN ON THE CAROUSEL.

I found this at wank_report and have too much time on my hands this week. There were 333 comments when I started the recap.

MTV.com has a Twilight Tuesday thing every uh, Tuesday. Let me 'splain, no there is too much. Let me sum up. Stephenie Meyer's Vampire series Twilight is now also a movie coming out in December and staring Cedric Diggory (aka RPATZZ). MTV is making the movie and this blog every Tuesday is part of their marketing strategy.

Today's post is about three sophomore girls from Texas who formed "The Bella Cullens." Larry, the blog writer, falls all over their jailbait asses:

"I had seen their MySpace page and heard some of their songs, but I was honestly amazed by how pretty their voices and melodies are, and with lyrics like “Edward’s so hot he can set the house on fire/he’s a sexy vampire,” these teens already have more talent than all the Pussycat Dolls put together."

1. Those are good lyrics? WOT?
2. More talent than the who now? Doesn't slime mold have more talent?
3. The band's name abbreviated is BCP. But remember only condoms help prevent STDs.


Most comments are some variation on "Larry, you fail" or "I <3 LARRY!":

Edward Cullen Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 9:50 am

My Sparkly Peen sings better, even when it drools for muh Bella.

But Janet comes to Larry's rescue:

Janet Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 10:02 am

Yikes people are being harsh. :) He has a lot of weeks to fill before december and I’m sure summit wouldn’t let him give us big stuff like clips every week and remember these are a gift. I’ve never seen people do something like this before to promote a movie…weekly updates I mean. Larry, I really thought it was the trailer this week and now I feel silly.

Under the cut I C&P for your pleasure.

( It goes back and forth between the Twimoms and the Twatlighters and the haters. )

ETA: LARRY SPEAKS!:( Read more... )

ETA w/XTRA SPARKLES: http://www.thebellacullenproject.com (warning: music embedded in site) is getting spammed on the comment pages by people claiming to be from ontd_twatlight. Twatlighters are saying it is not them. (Sorry can't like to comment pages directly.)


cleolinda convinced me to add the BONUS EW COVER FROM HELL!!!1:
http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/
21 pages of OMGWTFBBQ at ontd

ETA part 9.546382023: MTV blog has posted the EW photo. There may be more comments to come though currently it is at 0. Larry wants to know what people think! *CACKLE*

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

coffinlidkid rants about roleplayers equating "pretty character" with "Mary Sue" and "fugly character" with "zomg deep".

The fun starts when gelosia "[doesn't] get why anyone would ever want to play someone generally unattractive".

Why not make these "deep characters" attractive then? Srsly.

Everyone may have different ideas of beauty, and personally I tend to like unusual looking people, but... ugly is ugly.

Copious comments ensue in which she tries to protest that she didn't REALLY mean "ugly". fax_celestis chimes in to support her. The rest of BRPS boggles.

For a while now things have been fairly peaceful in the CLAMP fandom. Sure there have been minor fights here and there but nothing like the glory days of X when you couldn't go five minutes without a Seishirou/Subaru vs Kamui/Subaru fight.

However it's CLAMP, so of course things weren't going to remain peaceful.

( Spoiler cut for up to chapter 160 of Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle )

ETA: su_chan gets banned from clamp_rants but her buddy lovelessinma keeps wanking in her defense. Which includes taking things to jlarinda's LJ.

So over at fandomsecrets on eljay, a secret is posted about Elizabeth Swann not being a Sue. All is well and nice, but pankster begs to differ. Multiple people explain why Elizabeth's not a Sue, but pankster just won't believe it and repeats the same old shit over and over again. abfluvver briefly decides to throw the towel in until pankster calls everyone's opinion retarded. But my personal favorite bit is when people sarcastically fight over whether the dog or the monkey is the biggest sue. I've got to go with the monkey guys. Come on, he even stole Jack's name! That's major sue points right there.

Still rather civil and stuff, but who knows what the future can bring.

Over on the Canon_sues Lj, Kahran042 makes a post accusing Lisa Simpson of being a Mary-Sue.

It's all rather civil, save for the OP claiming that Lisa has no other talents other then being "Very intelligent" and, not having the guts to call Lisa a "Bitch", choosing to envoke astarisks instead.

Edit: I missquoted something. Fixed now.

EDIT: Deleted.

millyfan, Trigun wanker extraordinaire, begs the members of the 100bullets drabble comm to give her another chance to prove she's not a raving lunatic. Wisely, no one bites. She takes this to mean a winner is her!

Four days later, she announces that All OCs that have sex with canon characters are automatically Mary Sues.

It all goes downhill from there.

ETA: millyfan, apparently some type of masochist, posted the drabble on marysues. You must join the comm to see the crazy. Finally, realizing the situation was hopeless, she deleted her journal, in the vain hope that a wanker by any other name won't be a wanker.

ETA #2: millyfan has returned! She also links to that whiny-ass FW essay. And to think I was looking forward to the future wank where people suss out her future wank identity.

This hasn't quite splurted, yet. But as far as wank goes, the dick was just pulled out of the jeans. And guess who's behind it?

The MarySues community AND the Harry Potter fandom!

We start here, where a girl says that the new movie-verse Hermione is a Sue. Most people say she's wrong, but don't go MUCH further than that.

And then kinneas gets pissed off.

( Does NO ONE remember what this is about? )

There haven't been any comments on that post, yet, which is why we're still in the unbuttoned-jeans-and-lube phase, but I'll turn in my wankah card if it doesn't explode...

Last night's feature on Pottersues was Miss Jessica Kayes, one of those particularly pointless Sues who simply takes Harry's place in a universe where 'The Boy Who Lived' doesn't exist. There are surprisingly many of them. How is this wanky?

Well, for one thing, the author has written seven stories about her Sue's years at Hogwarts, totalling (according to Pottersues) seven hundred thousand words, and as yet unfinished.

For another, said author also devotes an entire web page to explaining why her character is not a Mary-Sue. It's mighty entertaining to watch her try to wiggle out of answering 'yes' through any possible loophole. This young lady would make a hell of a lawyer.

At least the folks at Pottersues are having fun.

And we can't forget the Which Jessicaverse Character Are You? quiz. This author actually thinks her Suefic is that important and that popular.

When the hell did a great community like marysues turn into wank central? Between the recently wanked Harry Potter is a Sue!, Tolkien's elves are Sues! (Hello? Feanor?) and Quit seeing Sues everywhere! it's quite entertaining.