There once was an archive for Yuletide
and when it died every other fool cried
stop thief
in erroneous belief
that their fics were about to go worldwide

( background )

( the set up )

( coda )

OH ETA: melodyclark is here to show us all that even older women like to wank like horny thirteen year olds, but if she doesn't give it a rest I'm worried she's going to go blind, develop hairy palms, AND come down with a raging case of carpal tunnel syndrome.

thanks to inquisition for the heads up.

eta 3.1415 The abyss is looking into us... and it's fucking stupid. :D

bonus lulz: tzikeh point out to me that melodyclark tried to edit her fanlore page.

( text for anyone who can't or doesn't want to load fanlore )

Remember the last HP wank - Hermione Granger - Voldemort in the making? Here we have Episode II.

The OP in the previous wank terri_testing wrote a fanfic about Dumbledore's childhood. People in the comments started to argue with each other and wankery ensued.

marionros, who during the previous wank diagnosed Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, the Twins, James and Sirius as psychopaths, insisted that Harry, Hermione and Dumbledore have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Lily also has NPD.

And what the heck, so does JKR herself.

My issues, let me show you them.

Snape is a victim of narcissist.

Hermione isn't intelligent and she has bad studying skills.

Pureblood prejudice is probably justified.

James was ever so evil.

JKR doesn't know Neville like I do.

Why did students hate Snape for insulting them? My teachers insulted me and I loved them!

Harry is like a suicide bomber and Dumbledore is like Osama bin Laden.

The whole Wizarding World is a cult, Dumbledore is a cult leader and Harry and Hermione are completely brainwashed.

Because of the Marauders' bullying Snape suffered from PTSD like Vietnam veteran, which justifies his treatment of Harry.

Snape was pressured into joining the Death Eaters.

You call my argument sick, but you find me hot!

Meta wank of the sweetest kind. 2010 Readercon is being advertised as "This IS your father's con". Needless to say, this is not met with huzzahs. Catherynne M. Valente proposes an alternative to the 2010 Readercon--a gathering of fans at her island place. The man who has singlehandedly run programming for Readercon for 20 years immediately responds with you are wrong and escalates from there, with you are very young or possibly foreign, and my personal favorite, you have to have a score of at least 790 on the analytical section of the GRE to do programming for Readercon. Many people laugh at him. Eric Van says he is no longer responding to stupid comments, and then copy&pastes his everyone IMPORTANT loved us comment everywhere he can find.

Meanwhile, Readercon backtracks quickly.

And for your tasting pleasure, now with added name-calling and objectification of the young, female fans!

eta: Obviously Eric Van could not delegate programming decisions, because no one else gets a 790 on the analytical section of the GRE. But why not use a computer program, someone suggests. Eric gently explains that the "combinatorics problem" is far too complicated for a simple computer program.

A "slightly disgruntled fan" wrote an 80,000-word essay about everything he disliked in the books and wants JKR to rewrite HP in accordance with his wishes.

An excerpt from the essay:

Destiny Unfulfilled is designed to convince as many fans as possible that a revised edition is called for, so they can begin haranguing Ms. Rowling (politely and with restraint, of course). Never underestimate the power of peon pressure!
Creative writing students will likely also benefit from reading this book, as the careful analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of someone else's writing often helps us spot those same traits in our own work. Finally, students of composition can use this as an example of argumentative writing, as well as a jumping off point for school writing assignments, by either agreeing with or countering points made here-in.

Then he went to The Leaky Lounge to brag about his essay and to convince the posters here to beg JKR to revise the books.

An excerpt from his first post:

I do have an M.A. in English, but I feel my main qualifications for writing the book are that I'm a (slightly disgruntled) fan of the series, and I've put a lot of effort into analyzing the seven books. To be clear, this is not a religious diatribe, political axe-grinding, nor do I attempt to take Ms. Rowling to school on who should have fallen in love with whom in the series. (I am *not* a kook! Heh.) Rather, this is an examination of issues like the role of a protagonist, the writer's contract with her readers, characterization, shaggy dog resolutions, and so forth.

The critique makes claims such as that Harry fails to fulfill his role as a protagonist and, ultimately, ceases to be even a necessary character. Hermione could easily have made it through Book 7 without Harry and Ron tagging along after her.... That seems like a fairly major problem, when the title character turns out to be unnecessary.

I hope we can make enough noise to get Ms. Rowling's attention. We aren't asking for more books in the series, just that she fulfill the promises she made to us: that the books would star Harry as the hero and protagonist, that the books wouldn't be episodic, and so forth.

ETA: "We're operating within our rights under the Magna Carta".

ETA 2: "I've been told to not post more than once in 24 hours".

ETA 3: madderbrad adds his two knuts.

ETA 4: Migdalin himself appeared on Fandom Wank. And he apologized to us.

Lady Sybilla put out another press release. She also showed up at the Twilight Lexicon again, since that went so well the last time. (When the formatting gets hard to read, check it here.)

(Fanhistory links are all nofollow.)

After her Wikipedia article was deleted (you can go to the Russet-Noon webpage for more information), Lady Sybilla edited the shit out of the Russet Noon Fanhistory page all by her lonesome (despire Laura Hale asking around on Bebo whether anyone else had anything to contribute).

And in case your blog entry about the whole affair shows up there, I'm sorry. Lady Sybilla farmed the Russet Doom Supplementary Links Collection and changed my format a little to make the attention seem less wholly negative.

Oh also I put together an entry in my journal with links to screencaps and transcriptions and things, for quick and easy reference. 

At discussion forums for George Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire", a mostly innocent OP made a small mistake. You see, one of Martin's characters, Jojen Reed, has dreams that come true, and he calls them his "green dreams." Another character, Prince Daeron Targaryen, has dreams that come true, and he hasn't called them anything as far as we know. OP Kevin Lannister speculated they were much the same thing, then typed the fatal sentence:

He was world reknown for his drunkeness but his "green dreams" seem very un-targaryen to me and after a reread it seems he might have more to do with the story than he seems.

The thread, which has very slight spoilers for George Martin's "A Song Of Fire and Ice" books, stays polite until here, where Mister Manticore is brusque about Daeron's dreams not being green dreams. Another poster Denver jumps in to defend the Original Poster, martialling all the forces of formal logic to put Mister Manticore in his place.

( Given what your written words are, I cannot prove the A is a viable description of your comments, because there are no actual signs of 'A' (i.e., no signs of any tactfulness), which is a necessary condition for proving a positive. )

The thread gets increasingly cranky (for example, Saddam Hussein and the UN weapons inspectors are referenced), until Denver scores a huge rhetorical victory by tricking Mister Manticore that he owns logic books.

( 'I only read about it on the internets' )

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Fanficrants again. And yet, not a single thought on yaoi in sight. Instead, we have emmabrock posting a review she got on a recent story of hers, as you do. However, the fanfic review -- the fandom for which is never even mentioned -- is really secondary to the real purpose of emmabrock's post, which is: Homeschooling!

The wank wastes no time, as emmabrock helpfully shares some of her, "ah, research," by which she means googling for homeschooling vs. publicschooling wankbait. Helpfully, she posts some of her results, which 'prove' that homeschoolers regard public-schoolers as barely one step above microbes.

So, are public-schoolers illiterate, drooling retards, or are home-schoolers surly, elitist, socially malformed trolls? Judging by some of the responses to emmabrock's post, I don't see why both can't be right:

( Some, but not all, of the wank below... )

"Intelligent, reasonable, and open-minded?"

lawl.

Well, apparently the mods at least aren't open-minded enough, because emmabrock promptly gets banned for editing her post. And then unbanned a little later because she might not actually have edited her post, maybe. Oh, well, as long as we're clear on what we're doing and why.

Comments devolve into "My Thoughts On Education" on the second page off the FFR post with no new comment thread kerfluffles to show for it, but in the meantime the wank moves to a reaction post on fanficrantsrants, where people are shocked I say, just shocked irritated by the mod's overreaction.

In vergil_fangirls, rosiesintherain posts:

I know I'm going to be stomped with flames and insults for asking, but why exactly do people like Dante/Vergil?

It's something I never understood. I understand people appreciating the brotherly (FAMILY) love between them. The fact that they're so different and would definately be willing to kill each other, but they can't bring themselves to completely hate each other. Lady and Arkham had that too. Despite all the horribly things that Arkham had done to both her and others, she was still saddened when she killed him. Same with Dante. Despite what Vergil had done to him and was planning on doing to the world, when he left the human world forever, he was saddened by that too.

I don't find it romantic in the least and I don't understand why people try to make it out to be. I don't think someone can completely hate their family member, and DMC3 decided to play on that. And it's fairly obvious that Dante likes women. He hits on almost all the DMC girls, has naked pictures of women in his office, and totally got a boner the moment he saw Nevan. I don't think he's ever done that around Vergil.

Plus.... they're brothers. That's just sick.

So since there seems to be quite a lot of twincest fans here, I'd like to hear what they have to say. It confuses me when people dislike Dante/Trish because Trish is a clone of his mother, but turn around and say that two brothers fucking is hot.

Just curious.

( YAY WANK! )

ETA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE GODWIN.

The House fandom is generally reasonably sane, as long as you do not touch shipping issues. But there is that obligatory "I watch "House", therefore I am smarter than the stupid multitudes of dumb" wank that is bound to appear, either from a troll or from a sincere wanker.

And lo and behold! rdrunner82 wanks like there is no tomorrow: Just shows how sad America is when the best show to come along in years can't get higher ratings than the shows rated higher than it is (since I'm not supposed to mention those higher rated shows by name, but if it makes it even easier to understand, replace the words "the shows rated higher than it is" with the titles of the higher rated shows.).

People try to temper s/h/it down in a bit wanky "without "American Idol" there would be no House" kind of way, but here comes inevitable I am entitled for my opinion bit. Then baked_goldfish brings the ultimate "I made a dean list, therefore I am smart, and therefore fans of AI are all smart" oldie but goodie.

Don't miss the "your grammar sucks, therefore you are stupid" sideshow, and ""the best show to come along in years can't get higher ratings then the shows rated higher than it is" does not make any sense" comedy. Nope, nothing new, same ol', same ol'.

I think I found the motherload of wank and idiocy, aka The yahoo movie boards. There isn't a Kate Bosworth thread out there that doesn't eventually devolve into teenies calling for Orlando to 'dump the anorexic skank' and date meeeeeeee!

But for scary proof that anyone can get online these days I bring The LotR board. Keep in mind that this board's second message claimed there will be a LotR 4: Revenge of the Ring. Not everyone got that it was a joke.

The board is pretty wanky anyway, but goes completely OT when someone wonders how Orcs reproduce, or *something* Someone else, *cough*sockpuppet*cough*, jumps in to ask if Adam and Eve had belly buttons. This spawns a flame war that manages to touch upon Creationism, Hitler, Freemasons, with enough idiotic detours to make Clark Griswold happy and is hilarious to anyone who actually took a science class outside of Alabama.

( Fairly Long )

...Because they all must have The One Phallus. At least until it's "Bobbit-ed" & tossed into the lake of fire, that is.


*wipes tears from eyes* It's just so BEAUTIFUL!

In the above (how did it take this long for them to find out? Wow.) Yuki Onna informs the readers that the entire site is satire and tells her minions "not to start a war." Meaning to not comment on f_w.

Then she feels the need to explain this to us. On f_w.

At least she realized she was incorrect and changed the Wasteland to The Waste Land on the user info page. "Thanks, Fandom Wank!" :D

I know someone already mentioned this, but gah. I gagged. I can't decide whether this girl is just incredibly pretentious and thinks she is God's gift to linguists, or is simply ignorant of how right-leaning Ayn Rand is and can't bother to admit what college she attends.

ADDED BONUS! After synanimus writes some godawful poetry because he wants to be able to read his own work, he bows out of lj-ing for good. We hope, but it's too soon to tell.

Ahhh. I do so love my wank tepid and splurting.