Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Sorry to post again, but this is fairly significant: via Leaky Lounge, full transcripts of all three days of the Lexicon trial. They are from Stanford (whose Fair Use Project is providing RDR's defense), but it's more than we've had before. The discussion of these transcripts at LL is worth reading, by the way.

(Previously on the Thirty Years’ Wank: A metric ton of articles and an interview with SVA. Watch This Page for update alerts.)

ETA: Anne Rice weighs in.

ETA 2 (May 1): Okay, I'm a bit behind on ETA links, but:

insanitys_place: The Lexicon has corrected the "Alohomora" entry with information from JKR's testimony... not that it's credited as such.

Neil Gaiman weighs in again (and again).

waltraute: Orson Scott Card weighs in.

foresthouse: "This article from CNN by "a legal analyst on "American Morning" is new and discusses the law and views from different lawyers (like Tim Wu who was mentioned before). It's well written."

jedi_dwh: "The Hollywood Reporter is still on the case, and doing a pretty good job of keeping things balanced. It appears their law writers actually- GASP- do their homework!"

Ouch: Potter fan a crybaby in court.

Anne Rice writes for The Washington Post's "On Faith." Now, I am sure that her faith is sincere and I am moved by her declaration. Unfortunately she is unable to avoid hypocrisy and self-contradiction in the essay, God love her. It's more fun to spot it yourself so I won't spoil the fun for you.

But the real fun is in the over 400 comments that follow, from religious solidarity to "This is what happens when you spend your entire life writing about imaginary fantasy characters...you eventually start to believe one is real. At least you're not worshipping vampires..."

[Just a reminder to newcomers: we aren't here to CONDUCT a religious wank, but to mock and point at those who are. Pardon my lecture.]

The last Anne Rice wank jogged a little memory in my mind. Way back in antiquity, I remembered an incident where Anne took out various full page ads in the local newspaper in order to harass a local restaurateur. That's right, before she had the internet, she wanked the old fashioned way...in the newspaper! I hunted down the story to share with a friend and I thought, might as well share with everyone else. Without further ado, I bring you Classic Wank!

First of all, in 1995 Anne released Memnoch the Devil. In the book, the vampire Lestat sees his reflection in the window of an abandoned car dealership on St. Charles Avenue and bids farewell to the world or something like that. It was a real building not far from her New Orleans home.

Two years later, a local restaurateur, Al Copeland, bought the mentioned building and turned it into a restaurant. But it was not just any restaurant, it was Straya, a big bright peach colored building full of neon lights and other gaudy decoration. Here's a picture for reference, though it doesn't do the color justice. The interior was equally "eyecatching" and described as "what I'd envision a classy bordello in '50s Havana [to be]." So it was an interesting place that raised a few eyebrows.

It did more than raise Anne Rice's eyebrow. On February 8th, Anne left a phone message for her fans in which she made a few comments about Art Deco and freedom of speech. Why? She seemed to be explaining to them why she took out a full page ad in the local newspaper to call the Copeland's restaurant a "monstrosity" and "nothing short of an abomination" and to tell Mr. Copeland that he should be ashamed. Unfortunately, I have had no luck finding the original ad or subsequent replies in their entirety, so all quotes are from other stories on the crazy in The New York Times (twice), Time Magazine and Nation's Restaurant News.

Not one to take it lying down, Copeland returned fire by taking out his own two page ad in the paper with before and after pictures of the building, defense of his decor, and a promise to see her in court. He sued her for defamation and libel.

Anne posted another phone message on February 9th. Yet another phone message on the 13th of February bragged that people supported her in phone messages because popular opinion polls had the locals supporting Copeland. In fact, other restaurants in the area took out their own ad to support Copeland and welcome him to the area.

Somewhere along the line, Copeland said that Anne was pissed because he bought the building that was Lestat's last resting place. He said he had never bargained on a vampire, but now that he had Lestat he was keeping him. Anne replied with another full page ad written by Lestat! In it 'Lestat' said "Mr. Copeland, nothing short of your indescribable restaurant could shock me out of my torpor and my coma. I am now myself again. It is nothing short of a stroke of genius on your part to create a restaurant that will be immortalized in history, legend and literature."

As if all that wasn't enough, Anne had been talking about opening her own little restaurant, Cafe Lestat, in the same area. She discusses it quite often in her phone posts spinning out one fanciful idea after another. She insists that she isn't competition for Copeland. Either way it seems that her idea never got off the ground.
In her phone messages, between waxing poetic on Cafe Lestat, she just can't seem to get over the fact that she is being sued as he continues to mention if on March 3rd and March 10th.

The lawsuit was eventually thrown out of court, but not before the issue became a subject of great amusement to the locals. A fellow author of vampire lore called the debacle "a gift from the gods to us little people.” Another author recalls how "a whole brigade of revelers appeared wearing plates of rice and beans around their waists, promoting a dish they called Red Beans Anne Rice". Obviously fun times were had by all as everyone pointed and laughed.

Edit: Rejoice! Some of the original texts have been found by miss_eponine.

And here's a little info about Anne's own property buying binge in which she pissed off local residents from thebratqueen.

Someone named "AnneOBrienRice" tells the imdb boards they're interrogating Luther from the wrong perspective.


"Does anyone know of a good film about Luther that shows the Catholic side of the issue, the tensions and agonies that those opposing Luther endured? If anyone knows of such a work, I'd love to hear about it. You can email me at anneobrienrice@mac.com. Maybe i should write such a film, or a novel about it. Thanks."


The people of imdb completely fail to notice the user name, or if they do, they can't be bothered to give a damn (no pun intended). To be fair, if "AnneOBrienRice" is indeed a troll, she's an absolute genius at copying the real thing's writing style. Her review of Sweeney Todd (which currently happens to sit on the movie's main page) tells us:

"A Conventicle of Geniuses Came Together Here. And this conventicle has brought us a glistening and irresistible nightmare. There are delicious Dickensian overtones throughout, and the look of the film itself is poetically potent."


Yeah.

Anyway, people aren't too happy about "Anne" siding with the poor oppressed catholics, and wank ensues.


"My, my I love the smell of revisionism in the morning."

"Where in the Bible does it say that only something explicitly taught in the Bible is true?"

"Did Catholics fight and persecute too?
Yes, but it wa spurely defensive."

"You obviously have no idea what being 'Christian' is. Its not about getting along for the sake of gettiong along."


And my favorite quote for today:

"Luther was a revolutionary. What is Christ-like about that?"


UPDATE: The Sweeney Todd review is linked from AnneRice.com. It's her!

Anne Rice is getting biblical in her next book, due out in November from publisher Random House. "Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt" will tell the story of Jesus' early years in his own words.

Yes, his own words. Lestat wasn't enough, now Christ the Lord is speaking through Anne Rice.

She even wrote a lengthy letter, as we well know is her habit, to go with advance copies of the book:

"I'm not a priest, I can't be one. I'll never be able to go to the altar of the Lord and say the words of consecration at Mass, 'This is my body. This is my blood.' No, I can't work that magnificent Eucharistic miracle. But in humility, I have attempted something transformative which we writers dare to call a miracle in the imperfect human idiom we possess. It's to bring Him here in the form a story, and that story is Christ The Lord."

A miracle, you see. I can just see the news now: Anne Rice Heals The Lame And Writes Crappy Book In One Day!

This is straining my Dickensean principles to the max.

ETA: Thanks to jessicareeves we have the entire EW article and excerpted "letter of truth."

"What does it feel like to be Jesus? What did it feel like to be God and Man as a child?"

Tune in for my book when, I, Anne Rice will tell you what it feels like to be Jesus. EXCLUSIVE!

Sorry if this has already been posted somewhere; I couldn't resist.

Courtesy of, oddly enough, my mother:

New York Times article on the Anne Rice-on-Amazon-Debacle, October 11th, 2004: "The People Have Spoken, And Rice Takes Offense", by Sarah Lyall.

Running out of things to iconate? Here, have a telling highlight!

In a telephone interview, Ms. Rice elaborated on the point [her refusal to submit to criticism, constructive or otherwise, from an editor].
"People who find fault and problems with my books tend to say, 'She needs an editor,'" Ms. Rice said. "When a person writes with such care and goes over and over a manuscript and wants every word to be perfect, it's very frustrating."
She added: "When you take home a CD of Pavarotti or Marilyn Horne, you don't want to hear another voice blended in. I feel the same way about Hemingway. If I read it, I don't want to read a new edited version."

And of course everyone's favourite--sing along if you know the words!--

She posted a blistering, 1,200-word defense of her book on the site, laying in to those critics who, she said, were "interrogating this text from the wrong perspective."

I feel sorta warm and fuzzy. Now the whole world can point and laugh like True For-Real Fandom Wankas!

Rice!wank makes the news.

Kudos, Anne.

Apparently Anne Rice is upset about some of the reviewers at amazon.com for they have strained her Dickensean principles to the max!

(Scroll about halfway down. You are looking for reviewer "Anne Obrien Rice" and a paragraph that never ends.)

ETA: You will now have to click on "Next" under the customer reviews to locate the "Anne Obrien Rice" review. Just click and scroll down. It's hard to miss.

Also, iconage has happened at fwank_icons.

Son of ETA: Amazon.com seems to have deleted the Anne Obrien Rice review (and the crop of reviews that came after it). Fortunately, some things which are posted on the internet have a way of ( being preserved forever. )

Love her or (more likely) hate her, you can't deny that the woman is an insane egomaniac.

Witness this ramble from her website, in which she tells us how great she is, and why she doesn't require an editor. And also, all those pesky "grammar mistakes" and "continuity errors"? She meant to do that.

( Here are some of the best excerpts for your enjoyment. )

Oh yes, I'm bitter.

Unfortunately there aren't any wanky comments or anything like that as her official site doesn't have a message board, but I think Anne does a good job of wanking on her own.

I was sitting here searching the alt.books.anne-rice newsgroup for something I had lost when my computer keeled a couple of years ago and I didn't do a back up when I realized this newsgroup was perhaps the wankiest usenet group of all between fanfic writers and nonfanfic writers. So, digging about, I found....good old faithful Victoria. Resident troll who sits around and waits for someone to mention the word "fanfiction" or "specs" so she can have the get go. I love Victoria. If not for her, I would not have my daily laughs at the way she hysterically calls fanfic writers a bunch of morons with no life.

Like this poor fella, who idly announced that he was having a chat to debate about fanfic and the Queen of the Damned movie on his site gets jumped.

I always loved how she starts calling people ahole and that fanfic is just idiotic drivel.

There's a host more, but it's too late to dig through so much.