Inglourious Basterds is the latest Quentin Tarantino movie. Oh No They Didn't, is a gossip site based on LJ that is big enough it's actually taken LJ severs out more than once all on its lonesome (I think the last time was when Michael Jackson died, but don't quote me). Eli Roth is the guy who plays Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz in Inglourious Basterds (he also wrote/directed Cabin Fever and Hostel and its apparently awful sequel. That guy).

It all started when Eli Roth discovered the Inglourious Basterds Kink Meme.

Surprisingly, not via a fangirl breaking the sacred rule of Though Shalt Not Force Porn On The People In It AFAIK, but all on his lonesome. He was pretty much amused and also decided to show it to and discuss it with Quentin Tarantino (who apparently agreed with him the Donny would be a top), and also Christoph Waltz (who played Landa in IB) and apparently his parents, because he's that kind of classy. This garnered many facepalms from fangirls in places like 100_scalps, but shockingly, very little wank.

This resulted in a lot of twittering porn at him and his discovery of ONTD. He made a I <3 ONTD sign. Something a fair few celebs have done in the past.

After that it kind of got out of control, progressing from ONTD changing his Wiki page to say he was their Official Boyfriend to him twittering he would think about all of ONTD when he jerked off the night, then posting a picture of a very used looking tissue, then to a very candid interview with questions from a lot of people at ONTD*, to-- and here's where the wank really started, pun utterly and completely intended-- having cyber sex with various ONTD'ers on his MySpace. The Eli Roth tag on ONTD contains basically every screen cap and citation, so I'm not linking to everything individually. Scroll on down.

Then it came out that some of said cyber sexin' ONTD'ers sent him pictures of their boobs.

ONTD proceeds to have a 5000 comment long flamewar consisting of the brilliant arguments (paraphrased, but I assure you all quite accurate as you will see if you click this link): YOU'RE SLUTS. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE.

I think, in conclusion, I would like to say that despite what you may think of Mr. Roth, he certainly knows how to make a girl laugh.

*This is the only thing that is locked, however, you only have to join ONTD to see it. It's... worth it.

[ETA]: Omar Doom answered a similar fangirl written survey for ONTD, said he wouldn't be at all opposed to seeing some fangirl boobs, and the wank goes ever on and on in the comments.

A little bit o' wankery stemming from the Star Trek XI fandom, this time originating on ontd_startrek. To quote garamsythe, It's not quite a shitstorm. More like... a little constipation.

marauder_bex posts a crowdsourced celebrity gay list to the community. OP has this to say:

ZQ had 100% at the time of this but he's dropped to 95% so I think we should go vote yes a lot and try and get it back up more (obv we cant get it to 100 but we can try for 99!)
Naturally I added Chris Pine to the list, who else should we add?

Of course, some people find it funny and some people find it unfunny, and no one seems to notice the obvious thats-what-she-said statement "get it back up."

lifebehindadesk appears offended.

velocityofsound thinks this is NOT CLASSY.

hook_and_line can't even find the words.

bjzblue is confused, because ZQ does NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT act a TAD BIT gay AT ALL. NO SRSLY. They know he's gay, but he doesnt have the high, girly accent or the insight of a gay man.

gethenian does not understand why you would want to vote someone gay. That's really not cool, yo.

littlemousling would like to have some serious business discussions.

paradox74 challenges you to make a graph of how ZQ's sexual orientation would impact your life. (ETA: Here's mine!)

fofomazuzu wants you to know that IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY.

bigmamag reinterprets the list as a GIF.

And, lastly, a few would like to see fic where "Adam Lambert sits below 5 other men."

There's a whole lot of unrelatedness going on in this post, too, including Anderson Cooper hit on my friend and being gay is like FDR's wheelchair.

I thought momentarily about putting this one in unfunnybusiness, but dammit if I can't laugh at some C-Pine/ZQ my hed is pastede on yay, what can I laugh at?

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Secrets kept popping up on Fandom Secrets hinting at a person who was convinced that they were dating Zachary Quinto of Heroes fame. Most people didn't know what was going on until the other day, when freetheelves2 pops out of the woodworks to tell us that she was getting bored. People asked for an explanation and things quickly devolved. I had posted to fandom lounge asking about the situation and as it devolved into wank twentythree posted it to clairvoyantwank.

The next day, the entire thread of wank disappears. Too bad the internet never forgets (it's a zip file with saved webpages). Another thread is started to discuss the deletion. It's decided that they should take it to a private journal to save it from all these mysterious deletions (about three threads have been deleted at this point). cazrolime creates a post to discuss the situation. The discussion of this thread on FS is later deleted.

This is where the fun stuff begins. It comes to light that freetheelves2 is using her psychic mother to figure out who's been posting secrets about her and sending her 800+ f-list after them. And her point of contact with Zachary Quinto is her 12-year-old medium sister. That's right folks, apparently she's dating him on the astral plane! And he sends her letters and family heirloom earrings through spirits, through her medium sister...or something.

All is full of lulz until the cavalry arrives to defend their friend's honor and break Snacky's Law. They staunchly defend freetheelves' sanity, while slinging around the word moot (which apparently meand vagina down under). The defenders start taking a page from freetheelves' book and deleting their comments as they are attacked by mice enraged by their comparisons to current tragedies in the news and attempted guilt trips about the possibility of freetheelves hurting herself.

And if that wasn't a fun enough romp for you, the mice and medoroa bring the funny with an amusing exchange of Sylar/Mohinder wedding photos.

Edited: freetheelves2 addresses the issues and breaks Snacky's Law and she is already aware of our presence. Thanks a lot numbnuts mouse.

Edited again: Annoying sock is annoying revealed to be a freetheelves supporter. What a surprise.

A Note to the Mice (and anyone else asking)
We actually have rules here on Fandom Wank. Rule number 6 states Do not link to locked material. So no matter how much you want proof or lulz or whatever from FTE's super sekrit filter posts, you can't have them. Please stop being morons and asking for them. Certainly don't post them! The mods will take your mouse power away.

Hey look! A mouse wrote this wank a Theme Song!

Yet Another Edit: Some of the former super secret filter friends are doing a little Q&A Thread.

A Note to the Mice (and anyone else asking) Part 2
Snacky says "summarizing the flocked posts is pretty much a no-go here too. This is a JF-wide thing, not just a FW thing, and we'd really like not to piss off the JF admins and respect their wishes."

Let's review:
Don't link to locked posts.
Don't ask to be linked to locked posts.
Don't c&p locked posts.
Don't encourage the posting of locked posts.
Don't summarize locked posts.
Don't [verb of your choice] locked posts!