So, Dictionary.com, being Dictionary.com, makes posts about interesting words.

Today, they chose to post about the word "Xmas". And it has sprouted into the most adorable little wank.

There are blanket statements about people's intentions with the word:

While this may be true, the meaning of language isn’t as dependent on history as the intentions of those who use it. The intention of those who substitute the X are usually such that they are trying to avoid writing the word “Christ.”

(Posted by a user named Reason. Yes.)

There's preaching!

There's a modicum of capslock.

Background: Ubuntu is a distribution of Linux. Think of it as a version of Linux like you have Windows XP, Vista, Me, 95, etc. Some people created Ubuntun Christian Edition, which annoyed some members of the Ubuntu community who didn't see why a special religious-based distribution was needed but it was mostly a polite argument. Then, in retaliation, Ubuntu Satanic Edition was created.

Cue wank.

Not from the Christians, though! The wank was all provided by a Satanist called HHS and another Satanist who called himself 'friend of HHS', both of whom popped up in the comments box and kept a running argument going with several different people until he randomly disppeared.

Most of it is under the cut, because it's long and takes place over years, but here are a few highlights to whet your appetite, both from him and people who were arguing with him.

HHS starts off with saying "This is very insulting to my religion. I really don’t think you should misuse the Lord’s name like that.

Richard M. Stallman, who is responsible for GNU and Linux, is a jewish psychopath who does not deserve to come near Hell. We do not want to be associated with him or anything made by this communist who never bathes and eats his own hair."

People get confused and think he's a Christian who's objecting to Linux SE. Cue HHS exploding and warning them "It’s very unclever to go against the Lord and dishonour Him and His people. When you die and meet Satan, just try calling Him “jesus boy” too and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I assume that you two are Jews because they call everyone Christian who aren’t Jews or Muslims."

( All hail LINUX -- I mean, Satan/Cthulhu/Flying Spaghetti Monster/God/Allah/[insert deity or pantheon of choice here!] )

A Slytherfan terri_testing writes an essay The Wizarding World and the Otherworld, where she argues that Harry Potter books are horror, not fantasy and that Hogwarts is like the school where the Native American children were brainwashed:

( Read more )

The essay provokes a chorus of "I agree"s and complaints about JKR's treatment of Snape:

mary_j_59 (see "Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!")

This is brilliant, Terri! And absolutely consistent. You know, my sister and I went to hear Rowling, Irving and King in NYC, and we both liked John Irving (reading from Owen Meany) best. Now the reason is clear. Rowling is actually a horror writer, like King, and I do not like horror. Still less do I like horror disguised as a children's fantasy quest. Irving, on the other hand, was writing in the great tradition of picaresque novels - a tragicomedy with a moral core.

But what I still wonder is: did (and does) Rowling know that she has actually written a dystopion/horror story? Somehow I don't think she realizes this.

condwiramurs/00sevvie

I second the 'brilliant' comment. And I highly doubt Rowling is aware of what she has actually written. She is too utterly blind to the reasons we like Severus, for example, to have any clue that she may have written something different from what her perfect picture of her work in her head is. I'm sure she thinks we're just getting it 'wrong.'

oryx_leucoryx (see Cry the Beloved Slytherins)

So if Severus Snape actually survived Nagini's bite, returned to the Muggle world and became some kind of counselor to delinquent youth or someone who runs an anti-bullying program (by working both with victims and perpetrators) he would be a hero with a rather protracted but complete journey? Starting out as the victim of neighborhood bullies (I doubt Petunia was the only one who knew that the strangely dressed kid was the Snape boy from Spinner's End) who must have dreamed that magic would solve his problems, learned that magic simply gave bullies more dangerous/'interesting' ways to hurt people, played a key role in getting rid of the biggest bully in the magical playground and came home to use non-magical ways against bullies?
***
bohemian_spirit has some fics in that general direction - in her 'Light Between the Cracks' series Severus Snape of canon years was secretly married to a Muggle school teacher and while at his Muggle home watched over the neighborhood children. And in her 'Professor Grunge' Severus immigrates to the US instead of joining the Death Eaters. He studies at a wizarding university and becomes a teacher who fights bullying and uses music to assist in magical healing.

But the real fun starts when night_train_fm decides to argue with terri_testing and says, among other things:

'Hermione exiling her parents to Australia'
She did that because she was terrified (with good reason) of the DEs coming after them: Voldemort was taking over the government, had already ordered several public mass-Muggle-killings, and anyone remotely connected to Harry was a potential target. According to Jo, Hermione reversed the spell ASAP once the threat was over. For that matter, is it ever outright stated that she didn't sit down and discuss it with them first?

That doesn't go well.

( Hermione is teh ebil! )

Mucho gracias to the folks over on wank_report. AND A SPOILER WARNING WITH EXTRA SPARKLES FOR TWILIGHT FANS. I suggest Twilight fans who actually care that much about being spoiled avoid this post like the plague.

( Why do I feel we've been through this before? )
ETA: Fixed the tag on the last link. Sorry, folks.
ETA3: A support request was entered by someone claiming to be from a law firm, claiming to represent the publishing group with a pretty much standard letter that has been going around like a strain of herpes to people leaking the book or even discussing spoilers (julian_black explains exactly why here). I don't think intellectual property laws work that way.

( text can be found here )


Other posts concerning the leaks can be found here and a twilight_news (thanks to hooloovoo_too). Possible confirmation of some of the spoilers has also sparked more wank over here.

There's some more fun over at ontd (the macros start on page 2). The OP itself only concerns the movie, but that doesn't stop people from wanking over the spoilers.

ETA4: system is love.

( Go System! )

And there's now been blurry confirmation on spoilers (thanks to miraba).

ETA5: Ok, guys, lay off the Mormons or I'm going to have to ask you to get out of the pool. I really, really, REALLY hate to quote mcity but plz no Mormon bashing. Let's have some class.

ETA6: SMeyer allegedly wrote a parody version of Breaking Dawn according to this EW article (thanks to greenconverses).

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Anne Rice writes for The Washington Post's "On Faith." Now, I am sure that her faith is sincere and I am moved by her declaration. Unfortunately she is unable to avoid hypocrisy and self-contradiction in the essay, God love her. It's more fun to spot it yourself so I won't spoil the fun for you.

But the real fun is in the over 400 comments that follow, from religious solidarity to "This is what happens when you spend your entire life writing about imaginary fantasy characters...you eventually start to believe one is real. At least you're not worshipping vampires..."

[Just a reminder to newcomers: we aren't here to CONDUCT a religious wank, but to mock and point at those who are. Pardon my lecture.]

Someone named "AnneOBrienRice" tells the imdb boards they're interrogating Luther from the wrong perspective.


"Does anyone know of a good film about Luther that shows the Catholic side of the issue, the tensions and agonies that those opposing Luther endured? If anyone knows of such a work, I'd love to hear about it. You can email me at anneobrienrice@mac.com. Maybe i should write such a film, or a novel about it. Thanks."


The people of imdb completely fail to notice the user name, or if they do, they can't be bothered to give a damn (no pun intended). To be fair, if "AnneOBrienRice" is indeed a troll, she's an absolute genius at copying the real thing's writing style. Her review of Sweeney Todd (which currently happens to sit on the movie's main page) tells us:

"A Conventicle of Geniuses Came Together Here. And this conventicle has brought us a glistening and irresistible nightmare. There are delicious Dickensian overtones throughout, and the look of the film itself is poetically potent."


Yeah.

Anyway, people aren't too happy about "Anne" siding with the poor oppressed catholics, and wank ensues.


"My, my I love the smell of revisionism in the morning."

"Where in the Bible does it say that only something explicitly taught in the Bible is true?"

"Did Catholics fight and persecute too?
Yes, but it wa spurely defensive."

"You obviously have no idea what being 'Christian' is. Its not about getting along for the sake of gettiong along."


And my favorite quote for today:

"Luther was a revolutionary. What is Christ-like about that?"


UPDATE: The Sweeney Todd review is linked from AnneRice.com. It's her!

Prepare yourself for a shock, scans_daily is fertile ground for Witch Wank.

No. Seriously.

Old Skool Sabrina the Teenage Witch had offended poor bluefall which trivializes the Bullshit Burning and/or Drowning Times!

Gosh, there's just... nothing as funny as validating the paranoid Dark Ages rhetoric that was responsible for the horrible burning or drowning deaths of thousands of innocent women throughout history, usually for the crime of being remotely educated or otherwise violating the status quo.

Because Sabrina is shown to float in water.

Like a bar of Ivory Soap a joke only one person got, god, I'm so old.

And they're off!

EDIT: Damn Comment Freezer, it wasn't even THAT bad yet

I debated putting this on clairvoyantwank, but my list of links got so long, I deemed it just wanky enough to go on Fandom Wank proper. Feel free to tell me if I should move it.

Right, so as soon as I saw this week's Answerman, I knew there'd be wank aplenty. Fanartists are criminals? Check! Voice actor bitchery? Check! Poor oppressed Shonen anime fans? Check! And finally, the delicious Spooge Cherry atop the Wank Cake, religion in anime. I waited with bated breath, and was not disappointed in the forums. These are, naturally, the highlights. The entirety is a whole lotta, "I agree with so-and-so" and "My thoughts on religion."

( You're oppressing me! No, you're being too sensitive! )

I have opinions on this, but my opinions aren't terribly funny, so I'll skip sharing them here.

On Easter Sunday, Venom69 posted some Janeway/Chakotay fanfic set in a Catholic church, featuring some non-church-approved use of a confessional. At first people seemed delighted to have some fresh porn so that they could get in a little reading before church.

The not work safe fic: http://loveandwar-tv.tripod.com/id280.html

But then a reader took offense.

Said statement of offense cannot be linked to, because it's a closed board. They claim to have only one rule, and that is "What happens on VAMB stays on VAMB." It's like the secret police of fandom, or Vegas, or something. But I don't care if I'm banned, so I'll quote a bit of it:

Yes, it is a matter of drawing the line somewhere, but the thing is, those of us who don't agree with this type of story have recently been "encouraged" not to voice our opinions, for fear of being called all kinds of names. I know several people in the fandom who would think this story was, in one way or another, disgusting. But to post our opinion? No, that would result in our being disregarded as closeminded, prejudiced, etc. at the very least. Banning or deleting our comments is certainly within reach as well. After all, we're against free speech, right?

Isn't it ironic that those who don't agree with a concept don't feel free to say so, in this supposedly openminded community? -- from http://www.voyagerangel.com/vamb

Board regulars equate being offended with book burning, so naturally took the complaint well. Cursing, namecalling, screaming that porn is sacred to those who value free speech, claims that complaining about porn somehow violates porn's right to exist, and of course the mandatory invoking of the Holocaust analogy ensued. One poster tried to patiently explain that people who were offended were stupid to be offended, because God is only make-believe after all, and only stupid people would practice religion, so they should give up their faith and embrace [bad] porn. The thread spanned fourteen pages and spilled over onto LiveJournal.

The LJ "discussion" (warning for foul language and politically incorrect insults):

The "religion is for stupid people" angle: http://venom69.livejournal.com/294543.html

The counterpoint, complete with a troll: http://kabutar.livejournal.com/370400.html

Once everyone initially offended bolted for the hills, those left standing posted two more pages worth of group hug posts to prove that they were nice people after all. Now they're making a list of all the reasons they love each other. Well, if they can be kept on task, because those suggestive custom smilies with the big tongues and the bull whips are rather distracting.

....It really should be porn (and depending on who you are...close enough).


300 opens...and THEY'RE OFF!

People pouring in reviews decrying the big lies of history and terrorists made at the hands of "holy wood".

There is tl;dr and hilarious typos all around, and I'm sure if you keep refreshing your browser, the wank will be continuous and free flowing, so be sure to bring your rain boots and umbrella.

ETA: If that spell-check starved review you're looking at seems familiar...you've probably already seen it. Some people are either reposting comments that other reviewers have written, or under other yahoo user names.

ETA II: Too good to pass on: When recruiting for Christ in a movie thread goes wrong. Still has nothing on the guy that tried to convert lions at a zoo, but it's worth a look.

ETA III: It was only matter of time before the entire country of Iran joined in this wank-fest.

Taken from the nicest mousie on Wank Report. Sadly, this is not as hot as the title would suggest.

It all starts when saltyj posts the following to thequestionclub:

"'I love my Church, and I'm a Catholic who was raised by intellectuals, who were very devout. What is worthy of satire is the misuse of religion for destructive or political gains. That's totally different from the Word, the blood, the body, and the Christ. His kingdom is not of this earth.' - Stephen Colbert


Does anyone else think it's super cool that he follows his faith? I totally wanted to marry him after I read this, but...dang. He's already married with 3 kids. And is old enough to be my father. Dang."

The responses at first are mostly positive. Then nightninja76 pipes up.

"No, it's not supercool. Faith is for morons."

And all hell breaks loose.

( Faith means believing something without (or in spite of) evidence. That people subscribe to something so ridiculous is intellectually offensive. )

All that and more can be found here: http://community.livejournal.com/thequestionclub/18552182.html

P. S. If this would be more appropriate over at otf_wank, let me know and I'll move it.

ETA: The wank, she has hit Stupid Free (thanks, wankaholic). And oar was kind enough to provide us with extra goodies from the main wank here.

So on the warlock forum, someone posted a link to a meant-to-be-funny article that conjectures--

Allow me to present what is probably the most blasphemous, yet perhaps the most elite of the members of the five-man team in this set: Jesus Christ, the human warlock. Don't worry. We'll be silencing all cries of "But Jesus should be a priest!" soon enough. Trust us, Judas is a priest, but Jesus is an uber Warlock.

Pretty mild. Not terribly funny if you ask me, but hey, not exactly flame-worthy offensive, right? Wrong.

Cue outrage that pretty quickly blossoms into an all-out atheism versus Christianity wank marathon: the page count was six when I looked yesterday, and has since more than doubled. Including whether Jesus would roll a shaman or a warlock, a diatribe on how atheism doesn't make your life better, among others. Choice bits:

Nightshayde: It's immateral, you can't make your own God, thats called idolatry. God made us, we did'nt make him.

Someone "fixes" (quotes with edits) the post to It's immateral, you can't make your own Flying Spaghetti Monster, thats called idolatry. Flying Spaghetti Monster made us, we did'nt make him.

yrdred: Well, not that any of this is relevant to the game but I just can't resist weighing in on this crap.

Shouldn't you, as a Christian, be spending the money you spend on WOW to, oh, I don't know, adopt a starving child, feed a bum on the street, or maybe take an interest in the suffering going on in the world around you? In fact, aren't you explicitly commanded to do so?

Oh wait, I forgot that Christian = Hypocrite

If you aren't going to take your religion seriously, don't come here and condemn other people. Christ...

Another favorite: QQ more xtians

Also bonus: There is but one god. In his house at R'lyeh, he waits, dreaming.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Ia, IA!

Jesus is nubcakes: It took jesus three days just to walk back to his body and spawn again...

So, DM of the Rings, a long-running webcomic that makes fun of both LotR and roleplaying game culture by imagining what could have happened if the LotR movie scenes were played by gamers. Many of us are familiar with and amused by it, I'm sure.

But its author has a deep dark secret, which davegodfrey exposes: he's a homeschooled creationist! Dave doesn't like this, and says so, ironically using a biblical quote to do so:

( feet of clay )

Shamus, the DM of the Rings author, takes exception to the criticism at tl;dr length. There ensues much wanking among his fanits about how atheists are bigots and should be ignored, especially that mean famous atheist PZ Myers (where did he come in?) and how quoting scripture makes them hypocritical.

No anti-creationist atheists have yet dared to post on the DM of the Rings thread (or if they have they've been modded off) but there's plenty of wank to go around regardless.

ETA: Godfrey apologizes in his own LJ and in the DMotR thread (thanks snarkbunny for the link)

Thanks to the mouse on wank report for this one.

24's sixth season's plot revolves around Jack Bauer trying to stop a group of Islamic extremists from detonating something nasty on U.S. soil. (Spoilers for season six abound.) Fans in the LJ comm twenty_four find an article about American Muslims' reactions to same. Wank ensues. Duh.

My first thought was, "Phooey. Srs bizness. D:" For I'd been hoping for some funny in a fandom I actually understand, and much of the commentary seemed either unfunny or disappointingly sane.

Then I found this thread.

( Read more... )

Bonus: There's a second post on the very same subject. This time, instead of debating about whether or not we should compare Christianity and Islam, we can debate about whether or not we should compare Islamic extremists and the Ku Klux Klan.

( Read more... )
Small, but it has its attractions. Watch for the icons in this wank. The icons make it, especially when conservative67 and schupo go head to head. Also schupo and jryc174: there's just something about seeing Dumbledore abutting a dramatically backlit crucifixion all the way through the thread.

Yes, you read that correctly, but let me repeat it:

Happy Feet is an Evil Propaganda Movie

Well what if I were to tell you that the overall metaphor, that the overall themes of Happy Feet are that of A) there is nothing wrong with individuality, that society can actually benefit from it, B) the ecological devastation unknowingly caused by man on the environment and the need to stop it, C) the evils of keeping animals in captivity, D) it being okay to defy your elders for the sake of “the truth” and, oh yeah, E) The evils of religion. Wait, what? Back up a second. Did I read that right? The…evils…of religion?

As expected, not everyone agrees.

I am again stealing from a mouse on wank report (thank you, mousie!). Supernatural really has the funniest wank in all of fandom.

Meet darkhecatemoon. Darkhecatemoon says if you enjoy incest in fanfic, you should support it in real life, or else you're a big hypocrite, just like the people who enjoy slash, but are against gay rights in real life. She invites response, and even links it in the SPN newsletter (and the post is also linked on metafandom). She gets some responses of "very interesting!" and "thank you for making me challenge my beliefs."

Sadly, some of the responders do not thank darkhecatemoon for opening their eyes and leading them into the garden of incestual delights, and actually point out that her argument really doesn't hold up, and her further defense of the argument doesn't make sense at all.

http://darkhecatemoon.livejournal.com/37847.html?thread=137175#t137175

http://darkhecatemoon.livejournal.com/37847.html?thread=141783#t141783

http://darkhecatemoon.livejournal.com/37847.html?thread=141527#t141527

Darkhecatemoon pulls out all the wanky stops:

"I'm a follower of Nietzche!"

"Don't read my journal! I didn't invite you here!" (Except for the part where she did.)

She has made up her own religion because she didn't like any others!

The Incest Lobby is brought up and slogans and bumperstickers are proposed. Finally, an anon drops by to thank darkhecatemoon for opening her eyes. Darkhecatemoon is very gracious!

First report ever, and on a thing that is not very fresh, but still juicy.
Earthbound is a nice and just awesome RPG from 1995, who in fact is the second from the (cult) Mother RPG game series. The games focus in a 90's kid with psychic powers and a red cap, and his friends (a phychic girl, a genius boy and an asian prince) figthing againts an evil alien named Gygas and the beings who are made or influenced by him. It has interesting things, like a modern ambientation, bats and frying pans as weapons, nice music, a campy graphic style and a kirky sense of humor. It's a cool game, really.
Earthbound have a somewhat small but nice fandom, where the few wanky thing are about when the 3rd game on the Saga was going out, (and, when finally caemes out, when will come to the American (or at least English-speaking) market), pseudocatfigths with fans from another series with better/nicer graphics, and small kerfulfles about censoring or translations issues. The fans are very devoted and somewhat crazy, but not so batshit inane as in, for example, FF VII.
However, there are some clueless who disturbes the waters and amazes us with it.
In the Starmen.net forums a dude called Atherz begins a thread called Upset with Game's Ending.... (SPOILERS) where s/he veltiles his frustration about her/his perceived religiosity on the game. And the fun begins!
( Cut for spoilers in the game, but if you never intend to play it go ahead! Involves  )

Sadly, the thing frezzes quickly and only lasted three pages, but are the most weird reason for wank in this gaming fandom, and the answers are so indescribable...
Amusingly, some of the regulars detected inconsciously the absurd and the wank potential.
Incoherent Moron: "This topic reeks of "joke account"."
Spooky Mook: "I've seen much worse.

We've ALL seen much worse."

It's been a while since we've had BPAL wank, hasn't it? This is still pretty small and relatively civil compared to past BPAL wankery but it's still entertaining.

Last night, the lab made a big update to their general catalogue. Ayodele expresses her discomfort with some of the new blends:

The recent updates really increased my feeligns of unease about the appropriateness of commercializing cultural icons, like the Orishas and Loas. For some people these might just be nifty ideas but for people who actually have a commited practice in ATRs (African Traditional Religions) the importance of dealing with them respectfully is quite serious.

There's some agreement, some polite disagreement and respectful debating, and a bit of passive-aggressive sniping on both sides.

Then Beth, BPAL's creator a.k.a. Kebechet on LJ, responds very angrily. In fact, she's so offended and indigant that she makes a whole new entry to respond again. Commenters rush to tell her how perfect she is and defend her besmirched honor, complete with the requisite "they're just jealous!" accusation. So far, nobody has had the nerve to debate her in her own entry, although the OP of the first entry is still arguing her points.

As I said, small by BPAL wank standards, but still satisfying and has the potential to grow with Beth's involvement.

If you watch "Trading Spouses" (or have seen the video of the womans meltdown slathered all over the internet...what? Haven't seen it? Here, enjoy), then you are familiar with Marguerite Perrin, God Warrior. In usual reality star form, Mrs. Perrin now has her own website, a brand new cd, and is making media appearances and getting movie roles. But the true wank comes in on her message board. It seems the original board was hacked and spammed with porn. And now, on the brand new board, people aren't afraid to poke some fun at her (honestly, after her appearance on TS, putting up a board and site is like putting out a sign that says "Come ridicule me!"). There was a pic spam of TubGirl that quickly disappeared, but the real wank is in Mrs. Perrin's reactions to the various posts.