From wank_report:

Someone has decided that enough is enough, and it is now time to cleanse the Pit of Voles FF.net of all that ails it. And that someone is the Literate Union! Motto: "well here are the people who are going to give it anyways!"

"It", apparently, being concrit or flaming. You know, whichever you prefer.

"The LU -- The Literate Union -- is a society that helps to improve the quality of stories on FanFiction that either break the rules or are poorly written. In the case of the latter, we try to help the author, bringing their piece up to standard. Difficult cases are reported to the admins."

( And we got to go in with our hydraulic system, and blast him out! )

1. Pixar makes incredible, mind-blowing third movie in Toy Story series.
2. Rotten Tomatoes logs over 130 reviews - all positive.
3. Toy Story 3 gets it's first (so far, only) bad reviews.
4. Internet explodes. (Also here.)

The wank seems to be focused on Armond White's review, as he is known for seemingly giving any review that goes against the general consenus. (He inexplicably seems in favour of Transformers 2, for instance.) He also doesn't appear to have actually watched the movie (identifying Hamm as a villain.) His negative review was actually predicted by a number of commenters in this earlier article, asking readers to predict where Toy Story 3 would end up on the Tomatometer rating.

It's all very dramatic, with wank in every corner. But of course, the most important Toy Story-related argument is and always will always be: Buzz/Jessie or Woody/Jessie?*


*Anyone's who's seen the movie will know the right answer to this.

Thank you, kind mousey from wank_report!

Crystaldawn doesn't think that IchiHime shippers are so bad. So she writes an essay about it, debunking some of the "myths" about them... (Thanks for the exact link, mariem_1)

Yulieana (from these wanks) finds out. And she is not happy AT ALL.

Feminism is not about celebrating and encouraging women! Bullies must only be dealt with through hitting them back! A True Woman should NEVER EVER become a teacher! And samurais do not belong in Bleach. That's what Yulieana says, after all.

And as a bonus, Fandom Secrets seems to have some things to say about her...

ETA: Aaaand she saw us. Now WE are the stalkers, the bad "feminists" and the wankers, according to her and Co.. =D

ETA 2: "I wrote an eleven page essay in reply to yours!" "And I think you're such a BITCH for not fucking replying to her on it! Not from Yulie herself, but still damn wanky.

ETA 3: Why ship wars are awesome! IDK MY NOT BFF YULIE? Thanks, lady_ganesh!

ETA 4: And the whining bout CD's essay FINALLY reaches Bleachness

From a mouse on wank_report and using some of their language.

copper_cakes uses a picture as her Livejournal background of the Bleach pairing Ulquiorra/Orihime. Unfortunately, it was a commission, and the artist and the person who paid for the art let her know. She takes down the image, and apologizes for using it and causing them trouble here.

Sounds straightforward, right? But you forget: this is Bleach and Bleach is serious fucking business. Not only is stealing wrong, copper_cakes is a LYING LIAR who only really ships Ichigo/Orihime!

( No, really. )

Small, but tasty in its utter detachment from any sense of perspective.

EDIT: Yes, you've seen Yulieana before.

EDIT THE SECOND: Yulieana...um. Responds, I guess?

EDIT THE THIRD: Moar caps! Were people actually buying wedding dresses? Spill the details, folks! EDIT THE FOURTH: This may be an exaggeration. BUT IF YOU HAVE BLEACH WEDDING DRESS ART, PUT IT IN COMMENTS, I'm bored and LJ is slow today. Bonuses for boys in dresses.

EDIT THE FOURTH (NO, WAIT, THE FIFTH): Where are my wedding dresses, bitches? Yulieana compares fandom_wank to Fox News (can I be Shepherd Smith?), some girl I don't know to infamous lawyer "Jake" Thompson, and takes a sideswipe at Johnny Yong Bosch. Dude, dissing the Black Ranger? So not on. Get it before it's locked!

EDIT SIX: Thanks for the wedding dresses! Oh, and neutrality is simply impossible when it comes to Bleach ships.

There once was an archive for Yuletide
and when it died every other fool cried
stop thief
in erroneous belief
that their fics were about to go worldwide

( background )

( the set up )

( coda )

OH ETA: melodyclark is here to show us all that even older women like to wank like horny thirteen year olds, but if she doesn't give it a rest I'm worried she's going to go blind, develop hairy palms, AND come down with a raging case of carpal tunnel syndrome.

thanks to inquisition for the heads up.

eta 3.1415 The abyss is looking into us... and it's fucking stupid. :D

bonus lulz: tzikeh point out to me that melodyclark tried to edit her fanlore page.

( text for anyone who can't or doesn't want to load fanlore )

Wank found via wank_report.

lavendergaia, a.k.a. Kelly, doesn’t like the snowflake cookie V-gifts she’s been sent over on lj and expresses her displeasure on her journal:

Please do not read if you are easily offended


People, these are getting ridiculous. In the past two days, I have gotten almost 30 snowflake cookie gifts. You know how many of those were personalized or written in a way that I could tell that they were for me? About 5, probably less. I know that everyone is saying that they're free and it's the thought that counts, but I don't see any thoughtfulness in sending a free gift with a generic message that you've copied and pasted to every other person on your flist. My bank does that, but they at least take the time to put my name on it.

If I don't mean anything to you other than a name on a list who you occasionally talk to, that's fine. I am okay with that. But getting a copy/paste message on a free gift that takes a minute to send just shows that I am not important. There's really no need for you to take the small amount of time and send it. And for those of you who commented yesterday that you did do it because you cared, I appreciate that, but the fact that you have to say it means that your gift didn't and isn't that the point of gifts? To show how much you care?

Frankly, the majority of these snowflakes just say that you like having someone on your flist, but not enough to take the time to personally wish me a happy holidays or to do anything special. Maybe I'm alone in this, but I'd much rather get a nice comment or PM speaking to me as a person then the same gift you give to everyone else. That's not caring; that's obligation.

So thank you to everyone who acknowledged that I exist. And a large, genuine thank you who took the time to use the gifts to show that they care.


Her friends then start apologizing about sending her snowflake cookies. Eventually, people show up who don’t hold the same opinion.

bookshop was linked by a “few people who were pretty much speechless with disbelief” and thinks this to be “completely classless.”

ladyvyola translates Kelly’s post as “A big "fuck you" to anyone who took a moment to do something thoughtful for me.” Down-thread, Kelly says its been two weeks since the post was made and everyone is already over it, forgetting that the internet never really gets over anything.

jane_doe_ tells Kelly "you are a bad person and whoever raised you did a really bad job. Sorry."

So why are these snowflakes so damn special? bridget_x_alena explains to an anon:

Not really, because when people are buying gifts, they're picking something that they know a) the person will like, b) the person wants, or c) will mean something to the giftee. Key word here being 'buying'. As in, 'spending money on' because that person clearly means enough to have something bought for them. If I were to get the same free present for all of my friends, the ones that I only talk to once in a while are going to be like, "huh?" and the ones I talk to all the time are going to wonder why more thought wasn't put into it.

If anything, the fact that they were free made them less special because it was like most people were just saying, "HERE, I don't care about you enough to spend .99 on other vgifts during the rest of the year so here's this thing!"

Oh, and way to not have the balls to own up to your opinion.

ETA: lavendergaia has discovered she has been wanked. She's also shown up on sf_drama and sf_anon

Despite seeming so happy about being wanked in the above link to her journal, Kelly added this ETA to her original post:

2 Weeks Later ETA: Hello to everyone who is going to troll this and people here from Fandom Wanks. Hi! If you're going to comment, please at least make it fun. Thanks in advance! (Look, see, I can be thankful!)

ETA2: Okay, I'm bored with this now. And I plan to take another muscle relaxer and sleep for at least 12 hours and don't want to come up with an inbox full of trolls. Leaving the post open so people can mock or do whatever they want, but posting is disabled for now. I might reopen it again later if I get bored.

Nothing is better than a "I am so happy, but not really" flounce. Comments are locked. I hope everyone here has known better than troll the wank. Instead of snowflakes, she has recieved 12 cakes for Grinchmas from mice who respected her wishes and left personalized messages.

ladyvyola has popped over here in the report to say hello.

ETA 2: And now there's a community.

Snapefen are still wanking about Lily Evans Potter. terri_testing posted an essay More on Lily's behavior in SWM: Lily the Prefect? on Snapedom. An excerpt from this essay:
( Read more )

Batshit flourishes in the comments:
( Read more )

We begin our saga on the fair hills of house_wilson, where the grass grows green and the House/Wilson shippers occasionally throw shit fits over whether or not David Shore is dicking around House/Wilson shippers.

One day, this (relatively) peaceful comm is visited by slow_mo_panda, who had arrived to bring to everyone her thoughts on yaoi The Contract, a love-it or hate-it extreme-whump fic amongst House fandom.

The masses do not react well. (And euclase wins the "most over-the-top reaction to criticism" award for this week.)

Having been thrown out by her ears, slow_mo_panda once again continued her travels, landing on the shores of fanficrants, where she hoped to be greeted with open arms and kind words telling her how everyone else is a bunch of mean bitches.

Alas, she had no luck on that front, either.

After a number of negative comments, she deleted that post and was banninated from fanficrants. And there was much rejoicing.

Hearing the commotion, ffrantsrants and sf_drama arrived on the scene so that they could point and laugh.

However, this is not the end of our story. slow_mo_panda, apparently having not learned her lesson yet, appeared once again, this time in ffrantsrants in order to talk about how oppressed she is. Or something. ETA: Now locked down, but here's a text-version:
( also long )
ETA2: And now doire brings the screencaps.


Caps courtesy of xayeidemon.

ETA: Removed links to locked fanficrants content.

ETA2: Apparently, our friend has left a review on ff.net on the original fic:
( cut for length )


ETA3: Now a tl;dr post in her personal journal. Man, she really doesn't know when to stop, does she?

Background: Ubuntu is a distribution of Linux. Think of it as a version of Linux like you have Windows XP, Vista, Me, 95, etc. Some people created Ubuntun Christian Edition, which annoyed some members of the Ubuntu community who didn't see why a special religious-based distribution was needed but it was mostly a polite argument. Then, in retaliation, Ubuntu Satanic Edition was created.

Cue wank.

Not from the Christians, though! The wank was all provided by a Satanist called HHS and another Satanist who called himself 'friend of HHS', both of whom popped up in the comments box and kept a running argument going with several different people until he randomly disppeared.

Most of it is under the cut, because it's long and takes place over years, but here are a few highlights to whet your appetite, both from him and people who were arguing with him.

HHS starts off with saying "This is very insulting to my religion. I really don’t think you should misuse the Lord’s name like that.

Richard M. Stallman, who is responsible for GNU and Linux, is a jewish psychopath who does not deserve to come near Hell. We do not want to be associated with him or anything made by this communist who never bathes and eats his own hair."

People get confused and think he's a Christian who's objecting to Linux SE. Cue HHS exploding and warning them "It’s very unclever to go against the Lord and dishonour Him and His people. When you die and meet Satan, just try calling Him “jesus boy” too and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I assume that you two are Jews because they call everyone Christian who aren’t Jews or Muslims."

( All hail LINUX -- I mean, Satan/Cthulhu/Flying Spaghetti Monster/God/Allah/[insert deity or pantheon of choice here!] )

Inglourious Basterds is the latest Quentin Tarantino movie. Oh No They Didn't, is a gossip site based on LJ that is big enough it's actually taken LJ severs out more than once all on its lonesome (I think the last time was when Michael Jackson died, but don't quote me). Eli Roth is the guy who plays Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz in Inglourious Basterds (he also wrote/directed Cabin Fever and Hostel and its apparently awful sequel. That guy).

It all started when Eli Roth discovered the Inglourious Basterds Kink Meme.

Surprisingly, not via a fangirl breaking the sacred rule of Though Shalt Not Force Porn On The People In It AFAIK, but all on his lonesome. He was pretty much amused and also decided to show it to and discuss it with Quentin Tarantino (who apparently agreed with him the Donny would be a top), and also Christoph Waltz (who played Landa in IB) and apparently his parents, because he's that kind of classy. This garnered many facepalms from fangirls in places like 100_scalps, but shockingly, very little wank.

This resulted in a lot of twittering porn at him and his discovery of ONTD. He made a I <3 ONTD sign. Something a fair few celebs have done in the past.

After that it kind of got out of control, progressing from ONTD changing his Wiki page to say he was their Official Boyfriend to him twittering he would think about all of ONTD when he jerked off the night, then posting a picture of a very used looking tissue, then to a very candid interview with questions from a lot of people at ONTD*, to-- and here's where the wank really started, pun utterly and completely intended-- having cyber sex with various ONTD'ers on his MySpace. The Eli Roth tag on ONTD contains basically every screen cap and citation, so I'm not linking to everything individually. Scroll on down.

Then it came out that some of said cyber sexin' ONTD'ers sent him pictures of their boobs.

ONTD proceeds to have a 5000 comment long flamewar consisting of the brilliant arguments (paraphrased, but I assure you all quite accurate as you will see if you click this link): YOU'RE SLUTS. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE. NO WE'RE NOT. YES YOU ARE.

I think, in conclusion, I would like to say that despite what you may think of Mr. Roth, he certainly knows how to make a girl laugh.

*This is the only thing that is locked, however, you only have to join ONTD to see it. It's... worth it.

[ETA]: Omar Doom answered a similar fangirl written survey for ONTD, said he wouldn't be at all opposed to seeing some fangirl boobs, and the wank goes ever on and on in the comments.

A Slytherfan terri_testing writes an essay The Wizarding World and the Otherworld, where she argues that Harry Potter books are horror, not fantasy and that Hogwarts is like the school where the Native American children were brainwashed:

( Read more )

The essay provokes a chorus of "I agree"s and complaints about JKR's treatment of Snape:

mary_j_59 (see "Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!")

This is brilliant, Terri! And absolutely consistent. You know, my sister and I went to hear Rowling, Irving and King in NYC, and we both liked John Irving (reading from Owen Meany) best. Now the reason is clear. Rowling is actually a horror writer, like King, and I do not like horror. Still less do I like horror disguised as a children's fantasy quest. Irving, on the other hand, was writing in the great tradition of picaresque novels - a tragicomedy with a moral core.

But what I still wonder is: did (and does) Rowling know that she has actually written a dystopion/horror story? Somehow I don't think she realizes this.

condwiramurs/00sevvie

I second the 'brilliant' comment. And I highly doubt Rowling is aware of what she has actually written. She is too utterly blind to the reasons we like Severus, for example, to have any clue that she may have written something different from what her perfect picture of her work in her head is. I'm sure she thinks we're just getting it 'wrong.'

oryx_leucoryx (see Cry the Beloved Slytherins)

So if Severus Snape actually survived Nagini's bite, returned to the Muggle world and became some kind of counselor to delinquent youth or someone who runs an anti-bullying program (by working both with victims and perpetrators) he would be a hero with a rather protracted but complete journey? Starting out as the victim of neighborhood bullies (I doubt Petunia was the only one who knew that the strangely dressed kid was the Snape boy from Spinner's End) who must have dreamed that magic would solve his problems, learned that magic simply gave bullies more dangerous/'interesting' ways to hurt people, played a key role in getting rid of the biggest bully in the magical playground and came home to use non-magical ways against bullies?
***
bohemian_spirit has some fics in that general direction - in her 'Light Between the Cracks' series Severus Snape of canon years was secretly married to a Muggle school teacher and while at his Muggle home watched over the neighborhood children. And in her 'Professor Grunge' Severus immigrates to the US instead of joining the Death Eaters. He studies at a wizarding university and becomes a teacher who fights bullying and uses music to assist in magical healing.

But the real fun starts when night_train_fm decides to argue with terri_testing and says, among other things:

'Hermione exiling her parents to Australia'
She did that because she was terrified (with good reason) of the DEs coming after them: Voldemort was taking over the government, had already ordered several public mass-Muggle-killings, and anyone remotely connected to Harry was a potential target. According to Jo, Hermione reversed the spell ASAP once the threat was over. For that matter, is it ever outright stated that she didn't sit down and discuss it with them first?

That doesn't go well.

( Hermione is teh ebil! )

Thanks to the mousie at wank_report!

Remember this wank? Which involved this guy? Well, if you're wondering what that rattling noise you hear is, it's the sound of head-desking over at TV Tropes, and it's all thanks to him.

---

Notes on the Source Material: There were 14 pages of comments, and just after I finished documenting the hijinks on page 12, everything got bahleeted. I snagged screencaps of pages 2-11 (which is more than Google cache got) but the most comprehensive record of this wank comes from my raw notes. Below the cut, you'll find a summary of the wank with links so you can bamf around and read the just interesting bits of the raw notes. The screencaps can be found here.

---

( Cosmetor Saves the Internet )

These two comments, made shortly before the bahleetion, are rather telling:

(15021) Dire Sloth: So... that Fan Dumb thread... it's kind of dumb.

(15022) Tzetze: I don't want to hear about that thread again.

---

ETA the 001: (Thanks to galateus for linkage, and ari_o for linkage that led to more linkage)

( Cosmetor Has Saved the Internet Before )

---

ETA the 010: (Thanks to boomstickjones for linkage to the latest, hottest, breaking news!)

Internet Does Not Want to be Saved, Banninates Cosmetor

2; Fast Eddie: After review ... People tried to reason with him. This is the second time he's been around, spreading chaos. He didn't really break any rules, but being around him is a pain in the ass.
Block installed.
7; Fighteer: Whew, thanks. That Fan Dumb argument felt like it was sucking the brain from my skull.
9; Some Sort of Troper: It feels wrong to me that the thread was deleted, it should have a more fitting end. Something like the house at the end of Poltergeist, it should have imploded and been sucked into hell.

Just a little wank over how MEAN it is to give unsolicited (for, um, a certain definition of "unsolicited"), anonymous concrit.

Welcome, friends, to

THE ANONYMOUS WRITING FEEDBACK MEME

It's one of those memes where people post their names and other people comment anonymously, in this case, telling what they think of their writing.

Let's look at the rules, shall we?

1. If you’re a writer, comment to this post with your username.
2. Commenters, no drama please. Play like adults. And writers, be prepared for any comment.
3. Pimp the meme out by posting the above code into your journal.
4. Be honest.

(emphasis mine!)

So, we're clear on how this works, right? Writers put their names in themselves, voluntarily. They should expect any kind of feedback, and it will be honest. And as long as there is no drama, any kind of comment is allowed.

( Unfortunately, not everyone is prepared for anonymous comments or honesty... )

Lady Sybilla put out another press release. She also showed up at the Twilight Lexicon again, since that went so well the last time. (When the formatting gets hard to read, check it here.)

(Fanhistory links are all nofollow.)

After her Wikipedia article was deleted (you can go to the Russet-Noon webpage for more information), Lady Sybilla edited the shit out of the Russet Noon Fanhistory page all by her lonesome (despire Laura Hale asking around on Bebo whether anyone else had anything to contribute).

And in case your blog entry about the whole affair shows up there, I'm sorry. Lady Sybilla farmed the Russet Doom Supplementary Links Collection and changed my format a little to make the attention seem less wholly negative.

Oh also I put together an entry in my journal with links to screencaps and transcriptions and things, for quick and easy reference. 

So IGN posted an article titled, "Is Final Fantasy VII Overrated?", part of a new series in their retro section that takes a look at the sacred cows of gaming and determines if they're, well, overrated. Naturally, this article attracted literally hundreds of comments. They started out civil enough, with some early posters readying their popcorn buckets. They would not be disappointed.

( estuans interius ira vehementi SEPHIROTH!!! )

Meanwhile, staffers at PSX Extreme and Kezins pick up on the story, the latter including a similarly-themed video from G4 and this bit of insight:

"No one is saying Final Fantasy VII was the greatest RPG ever made, but we are saying it was one of the best. In the end, I do think people have the right to believe the game was over-hyped or overrated, but as I said before they have the right to be WRONG."

Also, the first game covered in IGN's series? The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Quite a bit of fanboy froth in the comments for that article, too.

Breaking: Judge rules for Rowling in 'Lexicon' book case.


Note: My understanding is that SVA will not be appealing anything, because SVA is not the one named in the suit. RDR is. No word as to what he'll do.

(Watch That Page for ETAs.)

( Read more... )

ETA 7: JKR's agents want to see SVA's new book, with bonus comment wank at Mugglenet (OH GOD NO PLEASE DON'T BE INFRINGING I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN); Dear Author comment wank, with bonus Nora Roberts; NPR's audio coverage; clearly, Diane Duane is using the Leaky Lounge lawsuit thread for her own nefarious purposes.

ETA 8: And the appeals begin. Also of note: "Rapoport said the legal tangle has boosted business for his company."

As a lot of you must know by now, the first 12 Chapters of Midnight Sun, Smeyer's addition to her Uh-may-zing boooookes was leaked on the internet several days ago, and this has chagrined her dazzle verily.

From her official website:

August 28, 2008 (part II)

As some of you may have heard, my partial draft of Midnight Sun was illegally posted on the Internet and has since been virally distributed without my knowledge or permission or the knowledge or permission of my publisher.

I have a good idea of how the leak happened as there were very few copies of Midnight Sun that left my possession and each was unique. Due to little changes I made to the manuscript at different times, I can tell when each left my possession and to whom it was given. The manuscript that was illegally distributed on the Internet was given to trusted individuals for a good purpose. I have no comment beyond that as I believe that there was no malicious intent with the initial distribution.

I did not want my readers to experience Midnight Sun before it was completed, edited and published. I think it is important for everybody to understand that what happened was a huge violation of my rights as an author, not to mention me as a human being. As the author of the Twilight Saga, I control the copyright and it is up to the owner of the copyright to decide when the books should be made public; this is the same for musicians and filmmakers. Just because someone buys a book or movie or song, or gets a download off the Internet, doesn't mean that they own the right to reproduce and distribute it. Unfortunately, with the Internet, it is easy for people to obtain and share items that do not legally belong to them. No matter how this is done, it is still dishonest. This has been a very upsetting experience for me, but I hope it will at least leave my fans with a better understanding of copyright and the importance of artistic control.

So where does this leave Midnight Sun? My first feeling was that there was no way to continue. Writing isn't like math; in math, two plus two always equals four no matter what your mood is like. With writing, the way you feel changes everything. If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die, which wouldn't dovetail too well with the original story. In any case, I feel too sad about what has happened to continue working on Midnight Sun, and so it is on hold indefinitely.

I'd rather my fans not read this version of Midnight Sun. It was only an incomplete draft; the writing is messy and flawed and full of mistakes. But how do I comment on this violation without driving more people to look for the illegal posting? It has taken me a while to decide how and if I could respond. But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here (at the end of this message on the Midnight Sun page). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest. I hope this fragment gives you further insight into Edward's head and adds a new dimension to the Twilight story. That's what inspired me to write it in the first place.

I do want to take a moment and thank the wonderful fans who have been so supportive of me over the past three years. I cannot begin to tell you how much each of you means to me. I only hope this note will stop all the confusion and online speculation so that the Twilight universe can once again become the happy escape it used to be. After this incredibly busy year, I am now focusing on spending more time with my family and working on some other writing projects.

--Stephenie

I don't think I need to add much more than that.  Lol.  This is so bloody beautiful...Oh Smeyer...please to be going over there to cry upon your pile of ill-begotten millions.  We all know that that book is going to be finished and published eventually so that you can add to your dragon hoard of booty. 

Who else thinks that she's just waaaaahing for the sympathy and threatening to not provide any more crack so that everyone can forget about the epic fail that was Breaking Dawn and start kissing her ass again? *raises hand*

Edit:

And we get reactions from the Amazon Boards and the ♥ TwiMoms ♥. The ONTD comm weighs in on the situation.

And the NuttyMadam reacts. Though sorry, there's no vid this time since she took it down. But here, have a transcription of the lost vid, courtesy of aegflota

We are all a bunch of meanies hiding away in this little club house of ours.

Smeyer Ego stroking.

Bonus Snack: The Twimoms just cannot leave the poor boy alone!. There's wankiness in the second link, as the TwiMom in the picture appears and asks for her photo to be taken down. Also, Here is a step by step instruction manual on how to go about your Pretty Vampire Actors stalking, for you n00bs who have no idea how to go about it. It is illustrated and everything. The TwiMoms are nothing, if not thorough.

OH NOES YOU GUISE! They be calling the FBI on us!!! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO?

Twilight is going to save our country from the evil lesbians so you'd better all stop dissing it!

Cleolinda Midnight Sun Commentary! Yay. Lol.

ETA:How do you gain respect for your much derided favorite author? Why, by starting an online petition for it, of course!

Once upon a time in the magical land of YouTube, there was a Scottish Youtuber who got bored one night . Turning on her camera and pressing the record button, she sat on her arse to praise the latest work of the almighty Stephenie Meyer, the next best thing since JK Rowling.

She was rather stout with a squared jaw and rectangular shaped eyes. Her hair was a silky brown in colour, straight and thin, shining under her lantern's light. After a few seconds of nasty glares and emo stares, our Scottish Youtuber goes on to make her announcement of just how disappointed she is with fans; going on to patronise the whole fanbase on just how pathetic they really are, not realising the irony of her statements.

Quoth she in a patronising tone while staring closely into the camera:

"How can you act like this? After reading that amaaaaaaazing book, not shit! not boring! not glorified fanfiction, A-MAAZING BOOK! I'ma say it real clear: A-MA-ZING BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK! You've been waiting for what? A year? And you've been thinking of how wonderful it's going to be, and DYING to get your hands on it, cause it's going to be soooo good! And then you complain about it? Because it's not what you wanted?

She briefly blew a small gust of wind into her hair, so as to keep her bangs from falling further into her eyes.

"Since when do you get what you want by complaining, you ungrateful little turd?" she enquires with a tone of anger in her voice "Yeah, I'm talking to you! You who is watching this! If you have ever complained about Breaking Dawn because it wasn't what you wanted it to be: I'ma just go this real slow for you, because your brain obviously isn't working right now, because you're being STUPID thinking that its not very good anyway, okay?

"Number One: Stephenie Meyer is a GENIUS! Ya-HA, Ya-HA, okay? She rocks! She wrote Twilight, she wrote New Moon, she wrote Eclipse and you loved them!"

Not even going halfway through her video, her fellow viewers stopped and said:

"Fat FAT FAT FAT You are fat."

Another said:

"Please tell me, why all the Twilight fans are stupid, fat girls?"

And another:

"I think YOU'RE overreacting. You couldn't pay me to read that shit again. Maybe one day you'll develop literary taste and you'll realize how godawful Breaking Dawn was -- no, how godawful EVERY book after Twilight was, and that srs bsns people like you have been acting as Stephenie Meyer's cash cows for the past 3 years. Smeyer's sun tanning on her yacht right now that YOU helped pay for, laughing her ass off at the teenies who believe whatever bullshit she spoonfeeds them."

But best of all. one said:

"THIS. ISN'T. SPARRRRTAAAAA!
You're allowed to have your opinion. The 'haters' are allowed to have theirs.
Deal with it. Stop being so insane over a book.
Y SO SRS BSNS? "

But fortunately to her support one kind soul said:

"I personally loved the book! Although I do think that weather people loved it or hated it they should be able to share their opinions, I do have a problem with people who take it to ridiculous extreems. I hope that after a while things will cool down and everyone can just get over all this drama. I loved all the books and will just try to ignore all the negative feedback. Also, coming from an American I would just like to say that Fuckwit is the most awesome swear word I have ever heard.lol!"

Like the broken clock that used to tick next to me, the vast majority of commentors just went "wankity-wank, wankity-wank, wankity-wank-wank" and occasionally one with a high enough level of oestrogen would go "squee-squee-squee, squeekity sqee! with joy! at the girl who defended Stephie and her literary classics!"

This goes on for a while as tradition has it, and then along came an anonymouse to report the wankage at wank_report

I'm ready for my award now for best break-through narrative of 2008.

[EDIT]:Oh yes, I forgot to point out that like the big bad wolf, this one also huffs and puffs, but didn't succeed in blowing down the house. But she did however manage to have a sadgasm somewhere in between her huffing and her acid trip when Renessme(sp?) supposedly gave her "visions". She also stated that "real vampires poop and wee on you", assuming of course she has come across real ones in her lifetime, and they didn't actually pop out of Stephenie Meyer's books during her state of emotional high. Thank you anonymous!

blackjackrocket makes a rather mundane post in the pokemon community to find out if jesusatemeout still wants to do an earlier agreed upon Pokemon trade. jesusatemeout says she does, and they proceed to began the joyous dance of trading!

Sadly, this does not go smoothly. A span of time passes with no reply, and BJR starts getting testy.

"...ok, I've been waiting for TWENTY TWO MINUTES now, stalling out on that INVITE/DISCONNECT screen. Where the HELL are you?" "Yeah, half an hour. Tell me when you're *actually ready* instead of making me wait around with that insipid music going on."

jesusatemeout replies about twenty minutes later: "You could like. Not be mean. Right when I got to the Pokecenter, my internet went out. It's still intermittent. I was fucking tearing my hair out and worrying you'd freak out, and you totally did. I don't intend to keep your Lugia, I'm very happy you let me get the info with a tradeback, and please just calm down and stop accusing me of shit when it is entirely out of my control.

In fact, if someone completely disappears, I think it's safe to assume that their internet went out or something more important happened. Next time just be patient- I will get back to you when I can."

In most cases, things would smooth themselves out from here and people would go on about their lives. But really, would I be posting here if it had? Of course not.

Aside from the always amusing cluelessness of BJR, we also feature penguinsane letting her know she's banned from the pokewifi community in spite of this whole shebang not taking place there.

Twilight sucks...And Not In A Good Way.

Many people agree. Others...do not.

I’m sorry, but i don’t agree with anything you say. At all. I loved all four books and there are plenty of us out there who also enjoyed the series. I can’t wait to read more of Stephenie meyers books. So Fuck you all.

This is a fictional book, and I totally disagree with YOUR OPINION. I enjoyed the Twillight Saga.The reason I don’t want to go point by point with you is space, time, and I’m not trying to convince you to change your opinion.
(Yes that is TOTALLY the reason)

OK people SHUT THE FUCK UP,if people like this book stop dissing it and stop compareing it to FRICKIN harry potter!they are 2 different series.and in the 2nd book BELLA SAVES EDWARD FYI!!!!!!!!!!!so there bella is a great role model she cooks for her dad,takes care of her mother,and does her homework and is an excellent stdent!and smeyer said bella will go to colleage but as infinate time so ahe can do what ever.so in conclusin if you say twilight sucks YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GO TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( Some more.. )

ETA: TwiMoms send white chess pieces to EW to get them to change their review for BD from a D.

ETA2: Have some more TwiMom forum links.

ETA3: Return of the Batshit! Via shallow_kid Twilight fan woos man with the last name of Cullen and eventually marries him.

ETA4: Batshittier! Twifans physically attacking those who don't like the books?!

Team Bella or Team Hermione whose side are you on?

ETA5: IT NEVER ENDS. First twelve chapters of Midnight Sun leaked. Edward = creepy stalker confirmed.