I totally don't care that you've prevented me from my fourth successful entry in Hogwarts Elite, AGAIN, that I'm going to tell you it's really just a social experiment.

It's over a month old and tame in comparison past HE sorting-jerks, but given the current state of FW in the past day, I thought you all would enjoy a pleasant break.

nikkitrix admits that she has a sockpuppet in every house at Hogwarts Elite.

This doesn't even register to many of the people squibbing her application at sorting_elite.

ETA: Some highlights before I go to work:
Psychiatrist!Anon diagnoses.
But what about our trust?
HEADMISTRESS ABUSES HER MANIFOLD ~*~POWERZ~*~

And, according to Nikki's house descriptions:
RAVENCLAW FULL OF BITCHTASTIC SNOBCAKES!
"Full of mouth-breathing wikipedia editors with nothing better to do than enter elitist fan contests."
THERE ARE DORKS IN SLYTHERIN!
"Lots of dorky goths in this house."
GRYFFINDOR RESEMBLES BEATEN PUPPIES!
"Ah, they've got it all. The dullness of the Ravenclaws, the lackluster talent of the Hufflepuffs and the apathy of the Slytherins."
BUT CONGRATULATIONS TO HUFFLEPUFF ON BEING SASSY!
"totally the house of chubby chicks and soccer moms"

Also, I hate Rich Text mode. With burning.

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

So there's this community called the_great_hall_ which is the e-equivilant of the HP Great Hall in that people who have been sorted into different houses (communities, in this case) come to mingle. For their April fools prank, the Slytherin members "hacked" into the Hufflepuff house community and changed their layout.

Anjala is not amused..

For you see folks, all this is just like she has been raped all over again.

( Anjala LJ And The Amazing Emotional Breakdown. )

Things only gets weirder when you find out this woman is apparently 34 years old.

The Hufflepuff mod appears and is even less amused at Anjala's lack of amusement. (Correction: This is not the hufflepuff mod but the slytherin mod of the comm. Sorry about the mixup there.)

Finally, the shit gets stirred up enough that we get Snakes on a response (poster on a lack of sense of humor)

And, in a way that makes me seriously wonder if this is not some kind of retaliation prank, Anjala makes the Obligatory I Am Leaving Post.

I need some Blackcest now. I.. Don't quite know what to say, really. Like enteledont in Stupid_free said, this July is going to be SPECTACULAR.

Hogwarts elite. (Insert your joke here). Wee_little_me tried to get in and got overwhelming squibbed. It might have had something to do with her unique spellings: 'Minerva McGanaglle' and 'Arogog'. It might have had something to do with the fact that half her answers involved marijuana. (It's what she'd see in the mirror of Erised, for instance.) It might have had something to do with her self-proclaimed penchant for drama. It even might have something to do with her promise to troll the community if they squeeed about ""Daniel Radcliff's sexy eyes".

Whatever it was that lead to being squibbed, Wee_little_me doesn't agree with it, and is telling the Hogwarts elite posters exactly what she feels about the way they've rejected her honest baring of her inner soul.

liret: squib I'm sorry, you're probably fun to have around, but I'm not sure you're a good fit for the community.
wee_little_me Unfortunatly thats not exactly for you to judge :S

and

decentlyturned:I like your pot bus business. Unfortunately, the questions that I look most at weren't very helpful in sorting you. As in, I couldn't find anywhere to put you because of a lack of elaboration, except near a pot plant. Nothing wrong with that, but marijuana is not a house in Hogwarts.

The funny gets stronger when it turns out that little_we_me is a rabid Snapefan.

"You have no case. My interpertation of Snape is compltely cannon. I find that one statement of yours quite insulting and I believe you lack knowledge into what cannon Snape is like. He happens to be a 3dimentional character, not a 2d snot-rag.

At hogwarts_elite sorting is Serious Bizness. . They've bartended in the dark, exploded in outrage when mocked, and writhed in indignation when applicants sneakily deleted squib votes in an attempt to beat the system. And that's before we even mention "Aspberger's." Calm and placid types they ain't.

So when a rabid right winger (primary targets: gays, ethnic minorities, the poor and the mentally ill) and Voldemort fangirl applies to the community, and then proceeds to answer the question "What's one thing you would do if you knew you would suffer no consequences from it?" with the words:

Manipulate the US presidential elections in order to place myself at the head of the nation, and then alter the constitution both to give myself extraordinary powers, and to retain office for twenty years with an option for a further twenty should I so desire. I would also wish it to be that the remuneration of the role increase in order to found a family fortune of considerable dimensions, to maintain the presidential lifestyle, prestige and status into my retirement.

As President I would no longer need to consider the wearisome whinings of Congress and the Senate, but could govern with free reign and at my absolute discretion. My key policies would be as follows:

1) Enforce strict austerity measures upon the poor. It is neither helpful nor fair on any of the parties to take from one sector their hard earned monies, and then channel that via a series of state waterfalls to another societal group. To do so is to create a nexus of parasite state bodies, to sap the ambitions and entrepreneurial hungers of both sides, and to keep the poor in a perpetual state of infantilized inertia. Abolition of all politically correct initiatives to salve white guilt should also be immediately instituted; the inherent insult to all non-whites is glaringly apparent. While no minority groups should have rights withdrawn, the baffling demands of certain groups to have their lifestyles imposed upon everyone else should be resisted; nobody should be forced to accept an assault upon their traditions and beliefs. Since the habits of the bedroom should remain private, efforts to drag these into the public eye should, similarly, be firmly resisted. The exceptions should not seek to dictate the rule; most particularly the rule of law, and the agitations to the contrary are vulgar and distasteful.

2) Close all borders and promptly withdraw from all overseas military engagements that are not vital to protect US national interests. We should desire to be neither the world's policeman nor its soup kitchen, and should focus inwards before seeking to assist, protect and defend the interests of non-Americans. A working individual's pay check should not be denuded for a cause he benefits from not a whit, and the ludicrously overblown sentimentality that causes vast sums of US monies to be idly squandered upon lost and hopeless causes is a national disgrace. We should also promptly withdraw from the UN, who abuse our hospitality and our patience in equal measure.

you could justifiably predict that they'd go batshit. Only...they don't. On the whole they're fairly patient; a few even trying to gently explain that her style of interaction may be counter productive. The troll/Ann Coulter clone scores a couple of fairly spectacular own goals when she tells a woman who works in Congress to read more newspapers to overcome her political naivity, and a lawyer to stop being jealous of those with a legal education. Pride of place, however, must go to erbylikewhoa</a>, who squibs her by saying,

4. Though this perverts my previous sentiments of in-the-dark bartending, I will triumph my instinctive beliefs, rend myself pachydermous, and stick to my original statements.

7. Perhaps I have been left comose due to the nature of this application or else you may perceive me as simply viraginous, but to say that you have no disingenuous desires (to play heroine and so forth, but that is a frivolous import)? You hide behind a theca of verbosity and expect me to miss this phrase?

10. Well I suppose it was but an eventuality for my admittace of the fact that at the termination of every week, I conceal myself in a tenebrous corner of my bedroom and listen to dismal music one may characterize as "emo" and wallow in self-compunction. Yet still, might I not be a great omnipotent authority? Why, perhaps. Perhaps.

Most of the community appear to believe she is a troll, and make that plain. A few are too bothered by her year-old paid account and fifty odd entries to agree, though others question if anyone could really be that much of a gaping twat. A few more don't care either way, and declare undying devotion on sheer entertained principle, with such love tokens as Hillary Clinton's scalp and Michael Moore's dismembered body laid on the altar.

"You might bring Hillary's scalp...

I, for the love of Cressida, would render Michael Moore's fat into romantic candles, dyed a seductive red with the blood of bipolar lesbians. I can also sautee baby harp seals. Top that."

At least one member genuinely appears to agree with her political beliefs. A Gryffindor. Good to know it isn't only Slytherins that approve of nocturnal bartending.

There's the obligatory Fandom Wank reference, and a random bonus reference to lafeemechante, too.

We all owe the joy of this wank to one very dedicated little mouse over on wank_report, so let's give them some thanks for that.

It all starts with gits_r_us' application over on sorting_elite, a comm we've all since become well familiarized with. For the most part, she is doing quite well in the running, mostly picking up Gryffindor votes. But, of course, nothing good lasts forever.

The wank begins when gits_r_us invites a friend, gryffin_claw, into the mess. The Clawed one posts her application, and due to its length, she gets squibbed. Fairly unwanky at first glance. But gits_r_us gets sensitive. She starts asking reasons for her squib votes. Which is all find and dandy until...

sir_kate enters the mix by providing an overwrought look at why the girl is being squibbed. For. Four. Freakin. Posts.

gits_r_us flips her shit.

Some members support Kate. Others, however, call her out about her treament of gits_r_us, particularly lafeemechante in this thread.

Meanwhile, gits_r_us runs off to wank in her own journal. As a bonus, lafeemechante pulls an OMG I AM SO LEAVING *EMO TEAR.*

Other highlights include:

lafeemechante declaring sir_kate an insult to Ravenclaws everywhere by her support of a boy band RPS in this post.

Remember, the word "cunt" is a tool of the patriarchy!


Edit: Extra fun, new wank-anticipated application! Watch as many members self-congratulate themselevs on group-thinking and superiority!

Another day, another chance for the Hogwarts Elite kiddies to sneer at applicants who fail to meet their high standards.

Only this one doesn't just sit back, take it, and crawl, whimpering, away.

He doesn't even throw the requisite hissy fit ("You're all snobby patronising bitches, yo!") those willing to break The Rules by actually replying customarily do.

He just very goodnaturedly trolls them right back....

Anyway, Squib. I got a feeling of your personality, but you directly didn't follow diretions and typos and, quite frankly, it was obnoxiously Slytherpushy.

This is a little lost on a chap who replies to "Squib" with No, Moony did not say manslaves. In fact, Moony has never used that term in canon. Where the fuck are your sources coming from?

In other news, your icon design is cute.

Other replies include A long long time ago, there once was a wise old man.

A boy of 16 walked up to the wise old man and asked him if there was any one bit of advice the man could give for getting along in the world.

The man said, "My son, in a race between a rock and a tortoise, never varnish your clams."

Well Cherry, I'm like a rock, you see, and you're the tortoise.


and


"Squib, sorry. I'd say you may have wanted to look over this before you submitted it" meeting "Well, I did. I had to. The doorbell rang and my laptop monitor is only, like, 9 inches tall."

The smarter members laugh goodnaturedly. But- despite being elite, they aren't all smart....

Edit: It seems some of them are, however. There's apparently been petitions inside the comunity to get him into Slytherin, and several members are revoting in his favour.

hogwarts_elite members, plz not to be demonstrating a sense of humour about Sorting. You're fucking with my worldview here.

shadowsider posts an application on hogwarts_elite. People vote on the application and it looks like Shadow will be sorted into Gryffindor.

shadowsider doesn't like it.

I am actually having trouble breathing, I'm laughing so hard. Gryffindor?? Or gods, even worse, Hufflepuff. You people need therapy. LOTS and lots of therapy.

Other gems include:
And pushing for Slytherin? Please. Read my userinfo. Better yet - read my journal. I scare my own wife on occasion, and not because I would ever lay a violent hand on her. Violence isn't my thing. Darkness, however, very much is.

Move over Ozzy!


The REAL hat would have seen inside my head and known where I belonged. It would have known that there's every chance I'd eat the other Slytherins for dinner, nevermind anyone from a brighter house. You, my darling hunted, were not that observent.

Yes folks the REAL sorting hat! You know, the one in that fictional universe?


And the #1 reason why he should be sorted into Slytherin?

"I work in a goth club. Bartending. In the dark."

Welcome to my fandom.

Ah. Yet more hogwarts_elite sorting wank. It doesn't really get fun until the last couple of pages, though.

This time, meet lucidus_charm, a young girl who gets accused of "pushing" for Gryffindor, and yet most seem to be sorting her there anyway because they think she's funny or fits in or something. A couple squib her. Then...votes get deleted. All squib votes.

Of course, later she states that she's going to be a Gryffindor anyway so deleting a few squibs wouldn't affect the votes, and blames LJ for deleting comments

Some highlights:
Slytherins r meen!!!1!
Peer Pressure OMG!
Bitches.

Edit: Comments have now been screened on the post in question, but I'm working on saving screenshots. And now they've been unscreened again. I'll leave the link for the caps just in case they go away again, but it's better in all their glory. What I managed to cap before the comments were screened. (Saved on a work computer using paint. That was hell.)

It starts out pretty standard. Somebody goes to the Harry Potter rating community Sorting Elite and fills out an application. A bunch of other people accuse the person of Squibbery, OMGWTF Slytherin Push, etc. Typical wank for that comm.

Then the OP comes around and edits her application -- and the splooge flies.

Included in the addendum is:
* Various quotes from the HP Sorting Hat
* A C&Ped dictionary definition of the word "cunning"
* A violation of Blackjack's Law -- Don't blame me, I have Aspburger's [sic]
* A thinly-veiled swipe at one of the community's members
* And a rather volatile rant against the community in general --

...if that makes me the embodiment of "What it means to be a Slytherin push", whatever the pretentious fuck that means, so be it. Apparently when they were hardwiring my brain they decided "Oh, this'll be fun, let's make her completely miserable and poorly balanced, so eighteen years from now, after she's figured out all the ways she's fucked up and has come to terms with them, some community of pretentious wanks will percieve her attempts at honesty and candor as a transparent effort to get into the house that she really doesn't bloody care about, because she just enjoys filling out the surveys as a way of gaining insight into herself."

Five pages of snarking, indignation, and vendetta Squib votes follow.

Good times, good times.

ETA: Uh-oh! Spoof Community Alert, thanks to this sub-thread. It's about bloody time, too.

And also...one of the original wankers in this incident attests to the existence of missing wank that has since been screened. If anyone saw and saved this wank when it was still public, please do share.