Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

You may notice my phrasing below touch on the vague side. This is because I'm not actually in this fandom; my guyfriend modeler directed me to it.

So, there's this subset of tabletop games called war games. It involves using little tin-sculpted figures to play out strategies and battles and objectives and the like. One of the systems for it is called War Machine, put out by Privateer Press. Geared to be a brutal, violent, and above all MACHO affair, every War Machine book has a page near the start which espouses its philosophy in one glorious page of over-the-top fappery. The content of this page (Page 5, specifically--yes, it's the same in every War Machine book ever) can be summed up in one phrase, also the motto of the scenario:

Play Like You've Got A Pair.

Now, a cousin-system for War Machine is called Hordes. One of the races in Hordes is called the Skorne. With a vaguely Asian armor design which appeals to many, the Skorne are savage nomads with an exceptionally harsh, militaristic way of life developed to match their harsh native environments. They also torture animals in order to get full use out of them. Giant elephant-like beasts called titans are kept in control with hooks and chains by a class called Paingivers; the Skorne are said to have raised the methods and results of torture to an art. It's one of the race's main themes, in fact. Now, it's no secret that War Machine and Hordes have a history of putting out very twisted fluff (extra material) for the races of the fantasy world in which the systems are set, the Iron Kingdoms. As sure as D&D Monster Manuals get more horrible with every new installment, there's a certain kind of war game that probably pays its developers more for every horrified shudder that they can evoke.

But now? Oh, now they've gone too far.

( No baby elephants were harmed in the posting of this wank. )

(First wank, hurt me gently, etc.)

Hooboy. I don't know how wankerific this is, but Mariagoner prodded me to post something, so here we are. I post down on the Ex Libris Nocturnis forums, which are dedicated to White-wolf's Storyteller system, and it's World of Darkness (soon to be blowed up) setting primarily. Anyway, this is a Mage wank.

http://www.nocturnis.net/forums/index.php?s=4b4ad59da64c55ec5535a7bddd86f8e8&act=ST&f=4&t=6687&st=0

This is actually the umpeenth million incarnation of the same old wank. Some basic backstory for those who don't know anything about Mage: the Ascension; the third-ranked World of Darkness game in terms of popularity, behind Vampire: the Masquerade and Werewolf: the Apocolypse. In first edition Mage, there were the Traditions, and they were good. Goody good. The Traditions are made up of nine different types of wizards/mages/shamans/true believers/witches/druggies/madscientitists/Neo-wannabes, with a couple whiny goths and misunderstood artists thrown in for good measure. They want a number of things, but they're primarily the protagonist group in the game. They represent the balance between the Nephandi (mages who want to see the World and everything in it get destroyed, either permanently or to jumpstart the Wheel of Ages, but that's a whole 'nother topic), the Marauders (who believe in ultimate chaos and freedom, and want to do whatever the Hell they want, with a few trying to turn the entire World upside down), and the Technocracy (scientists rather than mages, who believe in order and Pattern, and are responsible for the World as it is now, more or less). Now, the other two have their parts to play, but really the big boys of Mage are the Technocracy. They're more powerful than all the others thrown together, they have the numbers, they have the Sleepers (that's us, everyone who's not a Mage) more or less on their side. In First Edition, they were presented as essentially cardboard villains, the bad guys who wanted to crush individuality and freedom and imagination and puppies all for their sadistict greed and need for power. Eventually, the developers of the game got to thinking about it and decided they actually liked the core concept of the Technocracy (guardians of humanity who brought about the rise of science and reason), and by the tail end of Second Edition and right before Revised, they started turning the Technocracy around, back from cheesy bad guys in fedoras and black sunglasses into the defenders of humanity. They did too good a job, and basically ended up making the Traditions look like ineffective, archaic throwbacks trying to plunge the World into the dark ages, and the Technocracy like the noble, long-suffering, ultimately righteous bringers of order and a superior means of living. Then at some point into Revised, they realized they went too far, and have since been trying to juggle the Traditions and Technocracy back and forth, in the process making them look more like reluctant allies than the enemies they used to be. At any rate, because there IS a major break in the continuity of flavor and, in some cases, history of the metagame caused by this, periodically Mage fans will engage in long flame wars about who's "really right". Both sides are really right, simply at different times in the game's history, and neither really has any new argument or revelation to bring to the table, so the argument generally ends up looking something like this;

"The Technocracy are bastards."

"No they're not, they protect humanity."

"But they crush imagination."

"But the Traditions just want to go back to the Dark Ages."

"Oh yeah? Well, the Technocracy are bastards."

"No they're not, they protect humanity."

"But they crush imagination."

"But the Traditions just want to go back to the Dark Ages."

"Oh yeah? Well, the Technocracy are bastards."

"No they're not, they protect humanity."

"But they crush imagination."

"But the Traditions just want to go back to the Dark Ages."

rinse, wash, repeat.

Watch as a goofy Penny Arcade strip about D&D quickly inspires a discussion regarding the personal hygiene of gamers.

It's cute and benign (and there's stuff about text-based gaming in there, too).

EDIT: Fixed link.

Holy Christ. My first wank, and it's an amusing one for me.

If ya haven't been under a rock in the RPG world, you're aware that White Wolf is ending their WoD lines with the Time of Judgement series.

The first book, Gehenna, came out this week, ending the Vampire line. And the fanboys did leap upon this book, hoping that it would answer a few questions that have plagued the world since 1st edition. Hey, I'll be the first to admit that even I did it.

Witness the wank that occurs when the Antediluvian of one clan gets no play in Gehenna!

Oy vey. Guys. It's just a game...

All of this takes place on the official Black Library Forum. Black Library is a subdivision of Games Workshop, which makes the Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 games. They are little metal toy soldiers that you paint and then move around in a vague battle-like way while shouting stats and waving rulers.

Yes.

So, first, we have a kid sayin' what one of the guys at his store told him. Random little fanwank, no big harm, right?

"The GW staff members you know need to be shot for their stupidity, and for breeding sad little half baked ideas among the younger GW goers."

Your standard sad bastard reply, right?

The publisher gets involved, which leads to a very lovely reply, which includes the following:

"First off, I'd love to know where in the seven hells you get off calling me a beardy gamer? To my recollection, not only have we never met face to face, we've never played a game and thusly you have NO basis for calling me a beardy gamer. Wonderful compliment to a reader who's purchased every G&F, Space Wolf, GG, and short story collection the BL has ever put out."

Wow. Dude. Have you noticed you're contradicting yourself?