If you've been in the Final Fantasy VII fandom a long time, you may have heard this story. If not, settle down and I'll tell you the tale of one Ben Lansing, the alleged Squaresoft employee who duped FFVII fans all over the internet into believing that the company intentionally left incomplete the means to resurrect Aeris, the beloved last-of-the-Ancients who dies in a dramatic fashion partway through the game.

Quick disclaimer: A couple of the links are from the FFVII Citadel, which I currently host and have been on the staff of for several years. Though it wasn't directly involved (and neither was I), the Citadel maintains a decent archive of Lansing-related materials; the ones linked here were donated by Tony Destro, who was involved. My intention is not shameless promotion, but to share the history of this kerfluffle, and for that, I needed some of the Citadel's links, which I've done my best to keep to a minimum. Anyway, let's get started.

( A SQLA rep hits the discussion! )

As many of you no doubt saw, Don S. Davis recently went to his reward. In his memory, I thought I would reminisce a bit about a batshit fan of his: alt.tv.twin-peaks's own katbeneda.

( I'm not sure if you'll be able to follow my reasoning because it's pre-disengaged from a standard that is both universal and positive. )

Say what you will about katbeneda, she stood on the rim of the volcano. She stood alone, and did her dance.

Dearest, beloved, Fandom Wank.

I know you were looking forward to great excitement today. Some of you said words to me that indicated you anticipated fiery 'judgement' upon those who remained fresh and dewey white, those you call n00bs.

Anyway, you got today instead.

Stop anticipating things, we'll just break your hearts.

Sincerely,

Sepia P. Magpie, Esq.



PS: Use this post to reflect on how you could be better people. Or just fuck around in the comments.

Rejoice, fandom_wank - for I bring you Usenet Wank!

Over at alt.tv.twenty-four (the newsgroup for the TV series 24), poster KimStar makes a joking comment about Chloe's tazering (twice) of an asshat barfly during Monday's episode.

( THIS is a wank starter? )

The first respondant -  Mark Nobles (whether being serious or a troll, I don't know, but the effect is the same) - takes offence to her tacit endorsement of tazer-based violence against horny men.

( I didn't know Ginmar had a twin brother... )

Bruce (representing 24's knuckle-dragging audience) backs Mr.Nobles up...

( I sense great anger, Captain... )

Comment 4: Kim: "LOL! Lighten up"

Comment 5: Nobles: Yes, of course. Domestic abuse is always good for a joke. You sick fuck.

( At this point even Ginmar would be saying 'Calm the hell down!' )

 (Yes folks, these are literally the first six posts in the thread)

And it gets dumber from here, folks...  Have at it!

One of my favourite usenet posters is John S Novak III, and his main realm of operations is in the Robert Jordan newsgroup. Although the group has been on the slow decline for a couple of years now, he is but one of a group of dedicated posters who have been around since the early 1990s.

It's a very acrimonious place. Recently, one of the older posters (Maggie) asked a question about the West Wing: specifically, when did it start to suck. Richard G. Rius gives her a fairly reasonable answer, pointing to the final episode of last season ("Commencement") and explaining a little bit about why things have been less interesting since.

Maggie's response (a few posts down)? Spoliers. SUCK. You. Mouthbreathing. Fuckwit. [SIC]

Several people come to her defense, because hell, she's a "name" on the group. However, Novak is also a "name" and he calls her on her bullshit, in several deliciously acerbic posts.

Examples:

This is actually bullshit. Spoiler protection, I'm sorry to say, is
not the norm. You can only expect spoiler protection in a few pretty
narrow circumstances.

You can expect it in an on-topic newsgroup, if the prevailing norms so
dictate, because it's a good way to enlarge the readership. But even
then, the protection only holds for a short period of time. You can
expect it, in common conversation, for a pretty short period after
something (a TV episode or a movie, say) airs, but not much farther.

Past that point, insisting or expecting spoiler protection makes *you*
the arrogant asshole, since the assumption is that everyone has to
watch out for your virgin ears. Just not going to happen.

Or, to be brief: Frodo lives. Caesar dies. Christ does both.
Get over it.


And, excerpted from a direct reply to Maggie Herself:

If you actually think people are going to go to that much effort to
protect you from common knowledge, you are going to lead an angry,
bitter little life, spent with many interludes of shrieking.

Full thread can be found here

RattleRain crossposts an anti-Lion King rant to several groups, including rec.arts.disney.animation.

( It's insulting to peasants, whites, and - worst of all - HYENAS! )

Some of the veteran members have a history with this troll and mock him, and someone else pops in to give us a link to history of this troll, better known as Gaza, since about 1997 as well as his MO, as a warning. (Usenet takes trolling really seriously!)

"Gaza" comes back and violates Godwin's:

I don't mind lions being shown as lords of the jungle(or savannah). But, other animals happily greeting the birth of a lion cub? That's like watching black slaves welcome the birth of a massa or Jews celebrating the birth of one of Goerring's kids.

And, of course, a few people take the guy seriously:

"Gaza, it's a fucking DISNEY movie, you dolt. Does this have any significance to you?"

Samantha finally decides she's had it, telling the troll (now back under a foreign name, just like in the MO) to GET OVER IT! IT'S JUST A MOVIE!!!1 Pot, kettle.

"THE HYENA IS NOBODY'S BOOBOO!"

The troll's response after being told to fuck off. (I must icon this...)

'Tis but a small wank, but it's still going on...

EDIT: Links should be fixed now.

Harken back to the old skool days of alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer, when the only conversation that could be had was a long and relentless debate on Xander lying in "Becoming 2".

And again.

And again.

And then they see it in Australia.

And then it spreads to rec.arts.tv.

And then, finally, in Fall 2002, the show gives people resolution.

I was reading the F_w friends page, and someone requested some Usenet wank. Completely unrelated, I was reading rec.arts.sf.written for the first time in months and found this bit of wankery.

Some poor man dared to ask if the Honor Harrington series was any good. 1080+ posts later, and they're still going on and on and on...but not on the original topic. This thread has it all: insults on people's taste in books, their taste in humor, and a really long tangent on the mechanics of book publishing.